Walls

"I'm so glad you came," Meg gushed as she opened the door, "I just have to tell you..."

"No," I cut her off sharply, "I have something I have to tell you."

Meg's eyes narrowed and I could tell she was pissed. After all, she was the talker in this relationship. I just listened. She liked it that way. I had never really cared one way or the other until now. Now I was going to talk and she was going to listen. She sighed heavily like she had a thousand better things to do but stepped aside and let me in.

" I'm done," I told her.

"With what?" Meg asked, even though we both knew she knew.

"With your stupid plan to get back at Alex. I'm done," I bit out.

I turned to leave but Meg grabbed my hand.

"You're done when I say you're done," she hissed, "and not a second sooner."

"No," I said, " I'm done now. I won't hurt him."

"You already have, idiot," Meg laughed, "You back out now and I'll make sure Alex never even looks in your direction again. I'll tell him all about the plan, how it was all your idea, how none of it was real. You think he's ever gonna talk to you again after that? 'Cause I sure as hell don't. If you go along with the plan and do exactly as I say, I will tell Alex, once the public humiliation aspect is over anyway, that it was all my idea. Maybe he'll forgive you, maybe he won't but we both know he'll never forgive you if he thinks your the mastermind behind his demise."

"His demise? Are you serious? You really think you're plotting his demise? You're pyscho. You're gonna embarrass him for five minutes and then everyone will be over it!" I screamed.

"Are you in or are you out?" Meg asked, cool as a cucumber, "'Cause if you're out I have a phone call to make."

I stopped to think. I shouldn't have had to. It should have been an easy call. But if Meg told Alex it was all my idea, she was right, he'd never speak to me again. At least if he knew it was all her, he might somehow forgive me. Why did I ever put myself into this situation to begin with? And why am I agreeing with Meg?

"I hate you," I said, the words tasting sour on my tongue "After this is done I never want to see you again. You and I are no longer friends."

I hate myself too. For doing this. It felt like the lesser of two evils though. This way I had half a chance of Alex not hating me forever. Maybe.

"Don't you wanna know what my really awesome news is, anyways?" Meg asked, fake smile pinned to her face, "That was the whole point of you coming over here."

"What's your really awesome news?" I asked without looking up.

"Ms. Lally said since I'm Student Body President I get to go on stage at the Fall Formal and announce the The Autumn King and Queen," Meg said, overly excited. "I'll declare Alex the king and the rest ... Well, you know the rest."

"Yeah," I mumble, wishing I didn't.

"Fall Formal is only a few days away," she reminded me, "You'd better get that picture soon. He's such a whore, I'm sure you've had a billion opportunities already."

"No, I haven't actually," I gulped nervously. I had forgotten all about the picture, I hadn't had an oppurtunity anyway, but I had completely forgotten about it. I was pretty sure Alex would never talk to me again, regardless of who came up with what, if I took that picture. "There has to be a way to do this without that picture."

"No," Meg spat, and any hint of friendliness that had crept back into her voice disappeared. There was only venom now. "You will take that picture and you will give it to me or I will call Alex right now."

"Meg, it honestly hasn't happened yet. What if doesn't before the dance? I might not be able to get the picture," I told her and hoped she would just leave it at that.

"I know you've slept over there. Do it when he's sleeping, " She suggested with a shrug, "It'll be even better like that."

"Meg, I can't," My eyes started to tear up.

"You can and you will, Jersey. Or I'll tell Alex," She said with a smile. "And Jack. And everyone else in school. You know, anybody within earshot," and then she laughed again.

~~~

Once I was out of Meg's house the crying started again. It felt like I was drowning. I didn't know which way was up and which was down but didn't matter anyway because neither of them was a way out. I couldn't see a path in which Alex didn't end up hurt and I didn't end up to blame. There wasn't one. Meg's dumb plan didn't make what Alex had said to me any less real. I wanted to tell him I felt the same, but I couldn't. It would just hurt him that much more later on.

I wiped my eyes on my sweatshirt sleeve and knocked on Alex's front door. I waited for a minute and he opened it. He was still in just his boxers , but his eyes were puffy and red. He didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around me. He pulled me close and he just held me. I think we stood that way for 10 minutes, maybe more. Just hugging on the doorstep, Alex in his boxer shorts.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, backing up just far enough to look me in the eye.

"Why are you sorry?" I asked, after all he had no reason to be.

"I shouldn't have said it," he told me as he stepped back into the house, gently pulling me with him. "It's too soon to say things like that. I get it."

I could feel my eyes welling up again. "I'm glad you said it."

"You are?" Alex wondered alloud.

"Yes," I told him, "I just ... I can't say it back right now."

"That's okay," he shrugs, "I'm just glad you came back. You don't have to say it until you're ready. And I won't say it either if you don't want me to."

"You always say what's on your mind," I smiled a little bit, "don't stop on my account."

"Well, I'll try not to make you run away again anyway, okay?" Alex smiled too.

"Let's just go to bed," I suggested.

Alex took me by the hand and led me back to his bedroom. He brushed a stray hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear before gently pressing a kiss to my forehead. He motioned to the bed.

"After you, my lady," he chuckled.

I hesitated for a just a second. "Let's make this interesting," I grinned.

"What do you suggest?" he asked.

His boxers are on the floor and I just stare. I wondered if Meg actually got as far as she says she did with him because she was very wrong about some very clear facts. Alex proceeded to sit on the edge of the bed and pull me onto his lap. He kissed me hungrily and pulled my shirt over my head. Every touch of his fingers made me shiver with anticipation. When it came down to it though, I couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry," I told Alex for the umpteenth time. I turned away so I wouldn't have to see his reaction to my lie. "I guess I'm not ready for that either."