Love Song

Jordan

My senior year routine stayed the same for those dreadful weeks.

I stayed after first period during my ten minute break and tried to fight, but ended up getting hurt, badly. Both emotionally and physically. I missed almost all of my lunch and I always had an after school detention.

Eventually, it got to a point where I stopped fighting and just let him do what he was going to do anyways. I just didn’t get punched or kicked when I didn’t fight.

As the days would pass, I felt like I was losing myself. I felt wounded. It got to a point where I would lay in my bed at night thinking of ways that I would die. I honestly didn’t want to live. I wished numerous times that my heart would just stop and I would die right there.

It was one of those moments where I really needed my big sister, Aria.

“Jordan, where have you been these past couple weeks?” Tia asked when we got home from school.

“Oh, I’ve been around.” I lied.

“Oh…” Tia and I stayed silent as I walked slowly up the stairs, my body aching with every step.

“Are you ok?” she asked.

“I’m fine. Why?”

“You’re walking weird.” she mumbled.

“Oh well I…sprained my ankle during P.E.” I said.

“If you say so…” Tia said. I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. I jumped onto my bed and laid in the fetal position. My body shook with a mixture of fear and a little rage.

I always thought of myself as a strong person. That I would never let anyone hurt me. But now I was going against everything I was raised with.

The next morning was hell. Mostly because I was nauseas and tired and angry. I was hungry. But every time I ate, I got sick.

“Perfect timing to be sick.” I groaned to Amy as we walked to first period.

“Wow. It really just came like…Bam.” Amy said, “when you get sick, don’t you usually have a few days where you feel kind of bleh, THEN you’re sick?”

“Um, I don’t know Amy. That’s what happens when I get a COLD, but not this…stomach…flu…thing.” I mumbled, trying to hold down my breakfast that had consisted of butterless toast and a tiny glass of V8 Fusion.

“That’s probably all it is.” Amy said, shrugging a shoulder.

“I’m sure.” I mumbled, trying to slow down. Maybe if I was late, I’d been sent to the “Idiots-Who-Can’t-Get-To-Class-On-Time” detention, which was in the library. I figured that if I didn’t see Mr. Block, he wouldn’t take away from my ten minute break or my lunch, or make me stay for his after school detentions that he looked forward to every day.

“Jordan, come on you’re going to be late.” Amy said.

“I think I’ll just go to the library.” I said uneasily. “You should go. The bell is going to ring soon.”

Amy stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to justify my desire to go to the library with all the other late kids. Knowing she wasn’t getting one, she waved and walked to her first period. I stood by the library doors waiting for the late bell. Once it rang, I strolled into the library casually as if nothing was wrong. The librarian, Mrs. Thompson, looked up at me. She pushed her glasses up as she smiled at me.

“Jordan, I’ve never known you to be late for a class.” she said.

“Oh, I just didn’t really feel like going.” I said, knowing she’d understand. Mrs. Thompson had to be the nicest librarian I’d ever met.

“Why?” she asked calmly.

I sat at one of the wooden tables as two girls giggled as they walked in. “I feel really sick. Just sick to my stomach.”

“Oh that’s too bad.” she said. “I can give you some money if you wanna go get some soup.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” I said, shaking my head. She grabbed her purse anyway and held out two dollars.

“I insist.” she urged.

“If I eat soup, I’ll probably end up throwing it back up. I’m barely keeping down toast and juice.” I laughed.

Mrs. Thompson put her money back into her purse and smiled.

“If you change your mind, I’ll be happy to give it to you.” she said.

“Thank you Mrs. Thompson. Really.” I said, smiling. She went back to her computer and the library stayed silent except for the door opening and closing when the rest of the kids came in. But after that, all I heard were the faint whispers of the other kids, the ceiling fan and the sounds of Mrs. Thompson typing and clicking on her computer.

I stared at the clock. They always say that if you stare at a clock, it will move faster. But not for me. It seemed to move faster the more I stared at it. I felt that same pang of fear and nervousness that I felt every time I was with Ryan. I felt my breakfast start to rise up my throat. I ran out of the library, ignoring Mrs. Thompson’s calls. I burst into the girl’s bathroom and ran into a stall. Without even closing the door, I fell to my knees and released everything I’d eaten since I woke up.

I leaned back and rubbed my burning throat with one hand and wiped the tears that dotted my eyes with the back of my other hand. I stood up, my legs feeling unstable, like I would fall as soon as I let go of the wall. I flushed the toilet and walked towards the sink to wash my hands. I walked slowly out of the bathroom, trying to drown out the ringing in my head.

I took a long drink from the water fountain that was next to the library. The ice cold water cooling my burning throat significantly. I walked into the library, all eyes were on me.

“Are you ok Jordan?” Mrs. Thompson asked.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine in the next few days.” I panted.

But I wasn’t. I kept eating and getting sick for the next week. And I knew I couldn’t skip English class forever, although I wanted to.

“Jordan you’re back.” Mr. Block said that dreadful Friday morning.

I stood at the doorway, trying to decide if I should walk in and sit down or try to use logic and have him send me to the library.

“Come in. Sit down.” he said politely, gesturing to my seat next to Zakk. Zakk and I were somehow getting closer to being friends again. I say that because he actually looks up at me now.

“But…the late bell rang. Aren’t I late?” I asked.

“Oh…well it’s ok. We can discuss it after class.” he said with a smile that I could easily interpret, but no one else could ever even consider as an idea.

I hated myself for not just walking away after saying it. Now I was going to live the nightmare again. It couldn’t be a nightmare, though. Because a nightmare is a dream. You can’t feel pain in a dream, right?

“Um, I can’t stay. I have an errand to run for…Mrs. Thompson.” I lied, desperate to get out of this ten minute horror show.

“Mrs. Thompson will understand.” he said, smiling.

I sighed and walked slowly into the room, the darkness of it wrapping around me like an itchy uncomfortable blanket.

I took my seat next to Zakk. Zakk’s eyes didn’t leave me as he examined my face.

“What?” I snapped, whipping my head at him.

“You don’t look so good.” he observed.

“Gee thanks.” I scoffed sarcastically.

“No, I mean you really should’ve stayed home today. You look…sleep deprived.” he said.

“Since when do you care? I thought you hated me.” I said, trying to suppress my rage towards him, and my heart ache.

“Oh SORRY.” Zakk scoffed. “Excuse me for trying to fix what we lost.”

“You’re the one who threw it away!” I yelled, standing up from my chair, catching everyone’s eyes. Zakk looked up at me with shock.

“You can’t just fix what you yourself threw away.” I whispered, calming myself down.

“Jordan I didn’t throw anything-”

I held up my hand, stopping Zakk from talking. I clutched my stomach, feeling something rise. I turned and ran out the door, into the teacher’s bathroom. I wasn’t even supposed to be in there, but I needed it.

I threw up…absolutely nothing. I hadn’t even eaten. But I ended up vomiting I don’t know, stomach acid and water.

A light peeked through the door as it opened. Thinking it was a teacher, I turned my head slightly.

“Jordan…” Zakk mumbled.

I reached my arms out, wanting, needing a hug. He got on his knees with me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug.

“Zakk…” I whimpered, burying my face into his chest. He hugged me tighter.

“Shhh Jordan. You’re ok.” he whispered, his hand beginning to stroke my hair.

But the truth was, I wasn’t ok. Not even a little.

By then, everyone, including Mr. Block had come to see what had happened.

I looked over Zakk’s shoulder. Mr. Block did not look happy. I knew I was in trouble now.

After Zakk comforted me and cleaned me up, we went back to class. But there was a sense of awkwardness that hung around the room.

After class, I stayed in my seat as everyone else filed out of the room.

“Jordan, what in the HELL was that?!” Mr. Block demanded.

“I was sick. Zakk was helping me…” I whimpered.

“Just shut up.” he growled. He walked slowly up to my desk and slapped me across the face, making me fall out of my chair. He bent down and picked me up by my throat.

He made sure that his ten minute horror movie was extra painful. I walked out of his classroom with a fresh new black eye and new cuts along my body.

I walked into my second period class and sat down next to Peter.

“Jordan. Did you get hit in the face?” he asked, moving my hair away from my eye. I moved my body away from him. Without me even speaking, he knew it was time for him to just back off.

I didn’t know how long I was going to be able to handle the pain.