Love Song

Amy

I stayed with Jordan for two weeks for two reasons: I didn’t want to leave my best friend with a brother that was on the edge and a sister who was ignorant to the situation. My other reason was because I wasn’t ready to go back to San Francisco to face Sean. A part of me just wanted to stay here in Long Beach. Transfer to Cal State maybe; be closer to my friends and family. Maybe it was a mistake to go to San Francisco. Maybe this was all my fault. If I’d stayed here, Sean wouldn’t have followed me, he wouldn’t have met Katie, he wouldn’t have cheated on me, and we’d be perfectly happy and comfortable here.

Or maybe this was just supposed to happen and I was a complete idiot to think that I could live forever with Sean. Granted, the things I felt for Sean didn’t compare to the things I felt for Peter. Never once did I think of a long term future with Peter. But when I looked at Sean, the future played out in his eyes like a projector. If I looked back on it though, I guess Sean and I were doomed from the start. He asked me out after knowing me for a minute. We’d only been dating for a few years, maybe it was just time to say good-bye?

Jordan and I walked out of the hospital into the parking lot and I paused briefly to grab my umbrella. Jordan was one person who would go out in the rain and be cold and soaking wet, with a huge smile on her face. Most people I knew hated that. But when I glanced at Jordan, I could tell she was in no mood to be in rain at the moment.

“I can’t seem to find my umbrella,” I said as I pulled my hoodless sweatshirt over my head with my keys in my hand, “I’ll pull the car up instead.”

Jordan simply nodded without a word or change of facial expression. I watched her eyes move around cautiously, as if she was waiting for something to happen. She squeezed her hands uneasily and jerked subtly when someone started their car or shouted something.

I ran across the parking lot, trying to avoid puddles (because I’m the genius who put on flats because I was in a hurry and couldn’t find my damn rain boots) and trying not to slip and fall on my ass on the slick, wet ground. I finally got to my car and took a moment to breathe before I started it. I’d realized that I’d completely forgotten my phone in my car. Not that I missed anything, just a bunch of voicemails and text messages from Sean, and a text from my mom.

I pulled up in front and honked. She quickly made her way to my car and slid into the passenger seat. I moved my heater so it pointed to her. She licked her dry lips and moved her wavy, dark hair out of her face.

“Should I take you home?” I asked.

“Where else would you take me?” she retorted. Her and I both knew that I wouldn’t take her back to that death trap she called a home without having an argument about it.

“How about I take you to stay with your parents?” I offered, “I know your mom would be ok with taking care of you while you’re healing up, right?”

“Ryan told me he’d take care of me,” she said.

“He says a lot of things,” I mumbled to myself. She whipped her head in my direction. She opened her mouth to argue, but she couldn’t think of the words. She knew what I meant and she knew I was right.

“Amy…you know you can’t take me anywhere else but home,” she sighed in defeat.

“Tell him it was my fault!” I exclaimed, “I’ll let him hit me!”

That was a lie. I’d beat the living crap out of him before I let him put his hands on me. I always thought Jordan was that way too. I guess it changes when you’re actually in the situation.

“He won’t hit you Amy,” she pressed her lips together into a thin line and turned away so I wouldn’t see the tears that would inevitably roll down her face. I didn’t press the issue any farther.

When we pulled up to Jordan’s driveway, she moved her hand to open the door, but paused and looked back at me, “Amy…will you still be in town tomorrow? I’d like to see Zakk…see if he’s ok.”

“Of course.”

She managed a tiny smile as she opened the door and walked as fast as she could across the lawn, holding her stomach as she did. I waited until she opened the front door and disappeared into the house. I cracked open my window and listened. I waited to hear yelling, slapping, anything that would give me a reason to go in there. But the house was silent, so I backed up and headed over to my mom’s.

I’ve realized that whenever I remember to turn off my phone, I turn it back on the next morning, I have no text messages or phone calls or voicemails. But as soon as I forget and leave it on, I get a million.

It was six o’clock in the morning when my phone rang. My head shot up and I almost fell off of my bed. I groaned and was ready to scream at whoever was calling me at six o’clock in the morning.

When it said Incoming call from: Sean I really did want to scream. I held my finger over the ignore button, but switched to the talk button at the last second. I didn’t say a word and I could hear his unsteady breathing.

“Amy?” he said.

“Mhm,” I muttered.

“I’m glad you finally decided to answer,” he chuckled.

“I only answered so I could tell you never to wake me up at six o’clock ever again…” I grumbled.

“Wait!” he shouted, “before you hang up, do one thing for me.”

I sighed and folded my arms, “what?”

“Come outside.”

“Pardon?”

“I said come outside.”

I hopped out of my bed and opened my curtains, looking around, “are you here?”

“Come outside and find out,” he replied. I tried fighting a smile but my lips forced me to let them curve as I tiptoed through the living room of my mom’s apartment. I looked over the entire complex to find Sean standing by the pool, his phone to his ear. It had stopped raining for awhile but it seemed like it would start pouring again soon. It was already starting to sprinkle. I hung up and contemplated going down the stairs. Before I could make a decision, he sprinted up the stairs.

“Now you’re going to listen,” he said firmly as he grabbed my wrist. I could tell he was trying to grab as hard as he could but couldn’t bring himself to do it, “I’m not going to drive all this way to have you ignore me.”

“I find it ridiculously stupid that you came all this way just to try to justify what you did,” I murmured.

“Amy!” he yelled, suddenly catching my attention. He was serious, “let me explain goddammit!”

“Fine,” I said.

“I was waiting for you in your dorm and Katie burst in and starts attempting to flirt with me,” Sean paused and shook his head, “you know, Katie looks like she’d be good at it, but she sounds like a middle school kid when she tries to flirt.”

I giggled and shook my head as I waved my hand for him to continue, “so anyways, she looks out the window and I guess saw you coming so she throws herself at me. I had no idea what was going on Amy. I would never, ever, ever cheat on you. I love you Amy, you have to believe that.”

I bit my lip and turned my head. He had to understand my position. I’d been through the same crap just a few years ago. You know, Jordan used to tell me that I couldn’t be afraid to trust Sean. Peter was a completely different person from Sean. This made me really really evaluate everything.