Love Song

Jordan

After four months of waiting and hoping and (for once in my life) praying, I finally got to take my daughter home with me. For four months, I’d walk into that hospital to visit my little girl every single day. I’d begun to learn all the nurses’ names I’d been there so many damn times. Sometimes Ryan came with me and other times he was too tired or too overworked. But finally, after four months, I was finally able to carry Aria out of that hospital and into her car seat (that Josh helped me set up, not Ryan.) When I wasn’t at the hospital, I was sitting on a rocking chair in Aria’s nursery, staring at the hot pink walls and the white and pink bassinet in the corner right next to the window, holding onto Aria’s baby blanket that my grandma had lovingly made for her and crying into it. Ryan would walk by occasionally and just stare at me. Whether he felt sorry for me or thought I was nuts was a mystery to me. But I refused to look him in the eye as I continued covering Aria’s blanket with salty tears. He would sigh and walk away, leaving me to sit there in that lonely nursery.

But finally, Aria was going to see that nursery. To be honest, I didn’t think she was going to. I thought I was going to have that nursery untouched forever, locking the door so no one would be able to see it. But I watched her grow for four months and she was finally…alive. I picked her up and held her in my arms for the first time since I gave birth to her in February. My arms trembled and silent tears rolled down my face. I stroked her tiny fists with my finger and she grabbed it, wrapping her little fingers around mine. Josh had come with me after disappearing for four months. I didn’t really know what was going on with him. But I was going to wait until a more appropriate time to ask. I was lost in my daughter’s eyes now as she stared right at me. I tore my gaze away and looked up at my older brother. Even he was getting emotional, the way he blinked rapidly to keep himself from crying.

Josh helped me strap Aria into her car seat and I sighed, taking yet another moment just to look at her. She kicked her feet and cooed, looking at her surroundings, I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. She was so used to those white walls and strange people in white coats. This was practically her first exposure to colors besides white and the occasional green.

** ** ** ** **

Josh opened my front door for me and I brought Aria inside, expecting Ryan to be excited to see her. He sat on the couch, reading his book. He’d heard the door open and he’d heard us walk in, but he didn’t look up or give us any kind of acknowledgement. I started for the stairs. I didn’t want to start a fight. I didn’t think Ryan would hold back even if I had his fragile baby girl in my arms. Josh grabbed my shoulder before I could get very far.

“Aren’t you going to acknowledge your daughter?” Josh said harshly. Ryan looked up, staring at the little bundle, but his expression didn’t change. His eyes darted towards Josh, meeting his hard glare. I wiggled my arm out of Josh’s grip and moving as quickly as I could up the stairs, careful not to jostle Aria too much. I hurried into Aria’s nursery, grinning as I set her down in her bassinet, stroking her cheek gently. I sat on my knees for the longest time just looking at her. Even after she drifted off into sleep, I couldn’t help but staring at her. I placed a gentle kiss on her cheek and quietly left the room. I came downstairs, finding that Josh hadn’t moved and the two men were in the middle of an intense staring match I couldn’t end.

“It’s too late for Ryan to see her right now anyway,” I said, hesitantly breaking the silence, “He can see her in a bit when she wakes up. It’s fine Josh. Really.”

Ryan gave Josh a smug grin and returned to his book. Josh scowled at me and headed for the door. I followed him outside to the driveway. I wanted to take his mind off of his asshole brother-in-law and his utter lack of interest in Aria.

“So…are we going to be heading to the recording studio soon?” she said, “Now that I know Aria is ok, we can resume our music, yeah?”

“Yeah…” Josh muttered. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and placed a cigarette to his lips, “Now that Zakk’s better and Aria’s better, it seems like the thing to do.”

“If you don’t want to-”

“I want to,” he lit up his cigarette and inhaled deeply, “It all depends on you though Jordan. You know we can’t do shit without a singer.”

“We talked about this,” I grumbled, “Four months ago? Before you disappeared off the face of the earth? I said as soon as Aria and Zakk got better, I wanted to start recording again.”

“I know,” Josh said, exhaling gray, murky smoke, “But is the asshole ok with you leaving for months? Are you ok with leaving your little girl with a man who raped his student and got her pregnant…twice?”

I stepped back as if Josh had slapped me. I pressed my lips together into a thin line, “I suppose…Aria could come with us while we’re on tour…or something.”

“If that’s what you wanna do, do it,” Josh retorted, “But I don’t trust him with that child Aria. I don’t even trust him not to do something right now and I’m only a few feet away. It’s bad enough being forced to watch it all happen to you…that baby is completely innocent in all of this. Don’t let that man fuck her up like he fucked you up.”

I looked back at the house and after a few minutes of an uncomfortable silence, I nodded, “Of course. So…call Harrison and I’ll call Zakk and we’ll start recording.”

“Sounds good,” Josh dropped his cigarette down by his feet and smashed it, smothering the burning ash, “I’ll see you later Jordan.”

I stayed where I was and watched him get into his truck. He backed out slowly and carefully, glancing at me whenever he could. I looked down at the smashed cigarette Josh left behind, ignoring the hot summer sun frying my face. Traces of smoke still floated up into the air. I lifted my foot, pressing down on the cigarette. I sighed and walked back into the house, wrapping my arms around myself.

I opened the front door. Ryan tossed his book onto the coffee table and stood up. He came towards me and I froze, unsure of what I was supposed to do, unsure of what he was going to do. I could never stay ahead of him because he was so unreadable and so unpredictable.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly in my ear, trying to sound comforting but really just sending shivers through my entire body, “I really am happy that Aria’s alright.”

He slowly wrapped his arms around my waist, rubbing my back. My breaths were shaky and I couldn’t move my arms to hug him back or push him away. I just stood there lifelessly while he pulled me closer against him, running his hands through my hair, “Our family is finally coming together.”

My trembling arms lifted and my hands were delicately placed on his back. I opened my mouth and left it that way for awhile, trying to think of something to say, but nothing was coming to mind. All I could manage was, “Yeah…”