Love Song

Jordan

“Jordan, we really need to talk,” Ryan said. I normally would’ve dropped whatever I was doing, too terrified of what would happen if I didn’t. But with Aria around, I had to kind of shove that fear into the back of my head. He normally didn’t hit me or yell at me if Aria was in the room.

I was finishing up with the dishes and Aria still needed to be bathed and put to bed, “Can this wait? I’ve got a list of things I need to do.”

His eyes darkened, “No Jordan. Now.”

“Aria needs to be put to bed Ryan,” I said, “Please. Just wait.”

I dried off my last dish and turned, reaching for Aria. He grabbed my wrist and squeezed. He pulled my arm back to turn me around to face him. The agonizing pain almost brought me down to my knees. Tears dotted my eyes and the more I tried to pull my arm away, the tighter he squeezed, “Now Jordan.”

“Alright!” I whimpered. He released my arm and I breathed heavily, holding onto my arm.

“What do you want?!” I asked harshly. He grabbed my other arm and dragged me into the living room. Despite his total lack of interest in his daughter, I do think he cared enough about her to not want to upset her by yelling at me and most likely hitting me right in front of her.

“What is this about you recording music again?” he said.

“I’ve taken too long of a break Ryan,” I replied, “I really enjoyed doing it.”

“You’re a wife and a mother now,” he said, “I don’t want you running off to do a two year fucking tour.”

“I wouldn’t be gone for two years,” I said, “Not with Aria I wouldn’t. I probably wouldn’t even tour for a year.”

“I don’t want you gone at all,” he said slowly as if he thought I didn’t understand what he’d said, “I want you at home where you belong.”

“I don’t want to just stay here all the time,” I said, “That’s not fair! I can’t be in the house all day every day. I’ll go insane. You get to leave every day and I’m home alone with a baby.”

“I don’t care,” he said, “You’re not doing it. This ‘music career’ you thought you had is finished.”

“You can’t stop me from having a career!” I snapped, surprised by my tone and he was just as surprised, “You’ve already taken everything else from me. Why does my music have to go too?!”

That was when he slammed me against the wall and got real close, “What exactly did I take from you Jordan? Tell me because I think my memory may be fucked up. Please Jordan. tell me what it is I’ve taken from you.”

I wasn’t able to say anymore to him even though a billion things raced through my brain. I could’ve stood there all night and listed off everything he’d ever taken from me. He took my life, my virginity, my sanity, and so many other things.

I looked down at the floor, looking at anything but him. He grabbed my cheeks and jerked my head up, squeezing my face. I was sure he was eventually going to break my teeth and he’d be squeezing against bleeding gums. Aria began to fuss and he grumbled under his breath. He shoved me and walked towards the stairs, “I’m not done discussing this with you Jordan. Put Aria to bed.”

Aria slapped her bath water and laughed uncontrollably. I couldn’t help but laugh with her as I bathed her. I paused and watched her play. I grabbed her hand and kissed it, ignoring the bitter taste of baby soap, “I’m so sorry my sweet baby girl. What kind of mother am I to bring you into this mess?”

She looked up at me with innocent, oblivious eyes and I blinked away tears as I pulled her up out of the bath and wrapped her up in a towel. She grabbed onto my shoulders, squeezing my shirt which somehow broke my heart a little bit more. She was so tiny and so clueless and didn’t deserve any of this. What the hell was I doing?

I hesitantly came into the bedroom after I put Aria down for the night. Ryan was lying on the bed, his hands folded on his stomach. As soon as I walked in, he sat up and beckoned for me to come closer. I inched closer to him.

“Come here,” he said softly, grabbing my hand. I hated this. I hated how one minute, he’ll hit me and violate me and the next minute, he’s sweet and tender. It’s those moments that make me almost forget what he really is. Especially when he’s sweet, I never know when he’ll explode and hit me again.

He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his face to my stomach. My hands grabbed his head, I considered briefly bashing his skull against the nightstand but his grip on my waist was too tight for me to do it.

“Are we good?” I asked carefully.

“Are you going to continue with this music thing?” he replied.

“I really want to Ryan,” I said, “Please…just give me something that’s mine.”

He groaned, pressing his face deeper into my stomach, “Fine. Do what you want.”

“I’ll make enough money so you won’t have to work while I’m gone,” I said, “So you can stay with Aria.”

Ryan stood up, “Alright. I’ll let you do this. But you don’t get to say I’ve taken everything away from you ever again. Are we clear?”

“Yes,” I said. He smiled and hugged me tighter, bringing his lips down on mine. I forced myself to accept it and kiss him back, otherwise he’d question me and I’d be in the corner with a black eye. His lips moved from my lips, across my cheek to my neck. My bottom lip trembled and my breath was shaky as I tilted my head to the side. He grabbed strands of my hair and twirled them around his finger.

“Have you ever thought about cutting your hair?” he asked, whispering against my skin.

I opened my mouth to reply, unable to at first. I cleared my throat and managed my words, “Did you want me to?”

I have never liked having short hair. I liked my long hair and now he wanted me to change that too? Was he just asking me about my hair because he wanted more things to control?

“I do,” he said, pushing all my hair behind my shoulder, “I want you to have short hair. Cut it.”

“But…but…I like my long hair,” I mumbled, grabbing onto my hair.

“Don’t you want to make me happy?” he asked, “Me? Your husband?”

I brushed my hair with my fingers, “I just don’t want to cut it. Why is that so important to you?”

As if I didn’t already know. He just wanted to be able to control every aspect of my life. He couldn’t control my work, so he’s decided to control the little things just to mess with me.

“You’re right,” he said, letting go of my waist and sliding underneath the covers, “It’s not important.”

The way he just let it go like that made me nervous. It was all I could think about when I took my shower and went to bed. It took me the longest time to even fall asleep.

I woke up the next morning and sat up to stretch. I scratched the back of my head and something felt very wrong. Something felt missing. I ran my fingers down my hair. My hair was completely gone. My hair was cut to my neck instead of my lower back. I turned and found my missing hair in a ponytail on Ryan’s pillow. I ran into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Not only was it short, it was cut crooked and needed to be cut even shorter.

My shaking fingers lightly touched the ragged ends of my hair, too shocked and angry to cry even though that’s all I wanted to do at the moment. I slowly walked back into the bedroom, staring intensely at the hair Ryan had left on his pillow next to me. Strands of my hair had flown away and were scattered all over my sheets and tangled in the scissors that lay nicely on his nightstand. I picked up the scissors and held them up to examine them more closely. I squeezed them until I was sure I’d end up drawing blood. Grunting, I hurled them across the room. I stared at the pair of scissors now embedded in my bedroom wall and wished that Ryan had been standing there when I threw them. I wanted to watch the blood fall from his wound and hit the ground. The sounds of his pleas for help and his cries, the agony being too much for him. His dark blood slowly rolling down his body, the idea made me too happy, it frightened me a bit. I took a few deep breaths. I walked across the hall into Aria’s nursery. She sat in her crib and quietly played with her teddy bear. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and she reached up for me.

“Come here sweet girl,” I said as I wrapped her up in my arms. I followed our usual morning routine, bathe her, put a fresh diaper on her, dress her, and take her downstairs to eat breakfast. Ryan sat at the kitchen table, calmly drinking his coffee as I brought Aria in.

“Maybe you’d like to explain my hair?” I said and I stopped myself, “Or lack of it?”

Ryan shrugged, “I figured it was time for change.”

He opened his newspaper and refused to say anything more, “Will you hold Aria while I make her bottle at least?”

Ryan groaned and put down his paper, grabbing Aria and cradling her, holding her the way a real father should, surprisingly. Every time I caught a glance at him as I made Aria’s bottle, I saw him smirk when he got a good look at my hair. I fought back tears as I took my daughter back and went back upstairs with her. I went into her nursery and sat down in the rocking chair. I hummed to myself as I fed Aria.

Later, I was on the phone getting an appointment to fix my hair. Aria had been put down for a nap a few minutes ago and Ryan was…doing whatever he does during his spare time. I had just hung up the phone and was marking next Monday on my calendar.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this?!” Ryan shouted. He came into my office with the pair of scissors I’d thrown that morning. Had it really taken him that long to notice they were stuck in the wall? Somehow he’d been able to pull it out of the wall, “Ruining the wall AND the scissors because you don’t get to keep your long hair?”

“That wasn’t the problem Ryan,” I said, “It was the fact that you cut my hair in my sleep because god forbid I didn’t do what YOU wanted.”

Ryan screamed and threw the scissors as I had earlier. I moved out of the way of the incoming scissors. Had I not moved quickly enough, they would’ve hit me in the chest. They instead stuck into my arm. The blades had gone through and they stuck out the other side of my arm. I stared at my arm, stunned. I opened my mouth but no noise came out. The pain wasn’t immediate. It slowly came on, like a burning sensation, starting from the wound and spreading throughout the rest of my body. Ryan suddenly ran to my side, as if he’d snapped back to reality. I wanted to shove him away but he was on my left side where the scissors were stuck and it hurt too much to move even my fingers.

“I’ll take you to the hospital!” he exclaimed, grabbing my hand even when I winced and gritted my teeth. The slightest touch was excruciating.

“No!” I snapped, “Aria is here taking a nap. Call Josh or Amy or Zakk I don’t care who you call just tell them to come here.”

Unexpectedly, he did as I told him to and Josh was at my house in a matter of minutes. Though Ryan seemed to feel sympathy for me, he didn’t do anything to help me before Josh showed up. He just sat there like a sad dog watching me try to keep my blood from falling to the floor.

“What did you do?!” Josh screamed as soon as he stepped through the door, “I’ve sat here for too long while you beat up my sister for no goddamn reason! And now look what you’ve done! If you think I’m gonna let you get away with it this time…!”

“Josh!” I grabbed him with my working arm, “Just get me to a hospital and don’t say a damn thing about what’s happened here!”

“How in the world did this happen?” the doctor asked, examining the bloodied scissors sticking out of my left arm.

I’d spent the entire car ride trying to come up with a lie that’d be even possible. Although doctors would probably believe whatever I told them. They’ve seen much stranger and more painful things than this. But nothing really came to mind except for the easy “I was just trying to cut something and I slipped” lie. And that’s just the lie I told the doctor.

“It’s pretty embarrassing,” I laughed. The doctor didn’t laugh with me though and it made me uncomfortable. The doctor sighed and peeled off his gloves, “Well, you’re obviously going to need stitches after we take out those scissors.”

He left and it was just Josh and I sitting there in the room. He sat in the corner looking haggard and messy, like he’d just woken up after sleeping for a week. I cocked my head, “Josh are you ok?”

He smiled and laughed for the first time in a while and he rubbed his eyes, “You’ve got a pair of scissors in your arm and you’re asking me if I’m ok? You’re hilarious Jordan.”

“I’m serious Josh,” I said, “You look like you’ve been drinking.”

“Why does it look like I’ve been drinking of all things?” Josh asked.

“I’ve seen you with a hangover before,” I said, “You looked just like you do now.”

Josh sighed, “No. I haven’t been drinking.”

“Are you sure?”

Josh stood up and threw his arms up, “Yes Jordan I’m sure! Jesus Christ! Leave me alone!”

I unintentionally flinched and let out a tiny yelp and Josh drew back, taking a seat, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, “Don’t worry about it.”

Josh pulled up to my driveway and I undid my seatbelt. I reached for the door handle but stopped before I opened the car door, “Josh…don’t tell Mom and Dad or Tia or John about this.”

“Maybe they should know about this Jordan,” Josh said. “Mom has been asking why you haven’t been coming to visit her and John and Tia. And Dad has been asking if you were ok because you haven’t called him since you and Ryan got married.”

“Josh! They can’t know about this!” I cried, “I’ll go visit Mom and John and Tia and Dad! Just…please don’t say anything to them.”

“They’ve been asking if Ryan is good to you,” Josh said, “Mom is already suspicious. She still can’t stand him since he was your English teacher your senior year.”

“It wasn’t exactly my choice,” I grumbled.

“That’s not the point Jordan!” he snapped, “Stay with me! Mom and John and Dad are going to start asking questions. And you know as well as I do that it’s impossible to lie to either one of them, especially when they’re together. Separately you may be able to hold them off, but together you’re fucked and if they figure it out, I’m not denying it. I’ll tell them everything Jordan. Do you understand?”

“You were never there to see this ‘everything’ you’re talking about,” I said coldly, “You have no proof. If you say anything to them, I’ll tell them my suspicions about you.”

“What suspicions?” Josh said.

“I know for a damn fact that you’ve been drinking,” I said, jabbing his chest, “I can always tell when you’ve been drinking. You always look like hell the day after you drink. You’re just like our fucking Dad. He always looked like hell when he’d come home the next morning after a show. You can’t hide it from me. I can easily tell Mom I’m concerned about you.”

“You really want to hide the asshole Ryan is that bad that you’ll try to distract Mom and Dad by throwing me under the bus?” Josh shook his head and put his car in reverse, “Get out of my car Jordan. Please.”

I got out of the car and he almost ran over my feet backing out of my driveway. I walked into the house, “Ryan? I’m home.”

Ryan was sitting on the couch, the TV on quietly as he fed Aria. Just as she had this morning, she lit up when she saw me and moved her face away from her bottle. Ryan tried to get her to take it again but she was too focused on me to care about her bottle. I could tell he was getting frustrated and I grabbed her before he could do anything to her. My arm was sore and it hurt to hold her but I needed her away from him.

“What did you tell the doctor?” Ryan asked.

“I didn’t tell him that you threw the scissors at me,” I replied, “That’s all you need to worry about.”

He grabbed my arm before I could walk away. He grabbed my right arm this time, which was good because he was squeezing me tight, “Don’t give me attitude Jordan. You were the one who decided to throw the scissors into the wall. Not me.”

“I know.”