Love Song

Amy

Tuesday, April 23

I had briefly considered telling Sean about what happened with Josh. Brief as in I thought about it for about half a second and then chastised myself for allowing that to even cross my mind. Sean could never, ever know. I mean, all Josh and I did was kiss but it could’ve gone farther and it would have if Jordan hadn’t come and found us. Jordan saved my ass. But it was still bothering me.

I drove to Josh’s house in the afternoon, though I really don’t remember the car ride. I knew Josh would be home today. If we weren’t recording, he didn’t really go anywhere. That’s what Jordan had told me when Erin broke up with him. I knocked on the door and waited for a few minutes and Josh finally opened the door, “Amy? What the hell are you doing here?”

“I was going to tell Sean about Friday night,” I said, “I wanted to for a second. I thought maybe he would understand and this wouldn’t dangle over my head for the rest of my life and my future marriage.”

Josh frowned and moved to the side so I could come in, “I’m glad you didn’t tell him. He doesn’t need to know. Jesus Amy, all we did was kiss.”

“Our hands were all over each other Josh that was…almost beyond just a kiss,” I put my hands on my hips as if he had left handprints on them, “When I got home Saturday, I slept with him hoping that it would erase everything.”

“Because sex has been known to make bad shit go away,” Josh replied sarcastically. I shot him a glare and he waved his hand for me to continue.

“Anyways…it didn’t work and I don’t know what else to do,” I said. Josh didn’t answer me right away. He sat down on his couch and picked up a can of beer off the coffee table and took a long drink. He smacked his lips a few times and then set the can back down on the table.

“I think quite honestly you’re trying to poke holes in a good thing,” Josh said, “Sean may not be your first boyfriend or anything. But he is the first guy you’ve slept with, right?”

I looked away and gave him a nod so small I was sure he didn’t see it. He must have because he continued after I did it, “Well you didn’t have your time to shop around and figure out what you like. Shit, you only turned twenty-one a few months ago. I would never get engaged at twenty years old. You’re still in college. I think you’re starting to rethink the marriage.”

“I love Sean!” I shouted, “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be marrying him!”

Josh sighed heavily and rubbed his hazel eyes, “I’m not saying you don’t love him Amy. You can be in love with someone and not wanna marry them just yet. You’re a woman. Women get all fuckin’ excited planning a wedding without really thinking about the fact that after that beautiful ceremony, they’ve gotta be with the same man the rest of their lives. You’re just freaking out because the wedding is coming up in a few weeks and you’re trying to find a way to stop it from happening. Unless you had a different theory?”

“Like what?” I snapped when I saw Josh smirking triumphantly, “What, you think I like you or something?”

“Well, this conversation could’ve easily happened over the phone,” Josh said, “Why make the trip to my house?”

“I wanted to be face to face,” I said, “Don’t get cocky. I’m getting married to Sean. Kissing you and letting you put your hands on me was a huge mistake that will never happen again.”

Josh stood up and headed for the front door, opening it for me, “Well, we had our little chat. You’re free to go whenever you want.”

Why wouldn’t my legs move? I forced my legs to start walking towards the open door. My legs wouldn’t go past the doorway and all I could do was stand there like an idiot and look up at him. He was leaning against the door with a cocky grin on his face. He knew I had enjoyed our kiss and he knew a part of me wanted to do it again. No. No, Peter had done the same to me with Audrey a few years back and my heart had broken. Sean had been the one to pick up the pieces. I couldn’t do to Sean what Peter had done to me. When I thought Sean had cheated on me with Katie, I was devastated and angry. Did I want to make Sean feel all these things?

“Well? Don’t you have a wedding to plan?” Josh said, pointing to my car in the driveway. I couldn’t do this to Sean. It would be a horrible thing to do to him. He would hate me forever if he knew.

If he knew.

I slammed the front door shut and grabbed his face, “Tomorrow,” I pressed my lips against his and after the initial shock of having his face grabbed, he kissed me back. He turned and pressed me against the wall, kissing my neck while wrapping one of my legs around his hip. He ran his hand up my thigh, pushing my dress up. He undid his belt and dropped his pants, wrapping my other leg around his waist. He dug his nails into the squishy flesh of my thighs and I let out a gasp. He smirked, his eyes never leaving mine as he grunted and thrust himself deep. I threw my head back and inhaled deeply, wrapping my legs tighter around his waist. That was it. I had given Josh all of me then. I felt a combination of pleasure and guilt. But it was hard to focus on just how guilty I was for a long while.