Love Song

Amy

Saturday, April 27

I had never seen such an expression on Sean’s face. It was a combination of devastation and anger and shock. Sean threw my hands away and stood up, his chair falling back. He brushed his fingers through his hair, breathing heavily as he paced back and forth, “You had sex with Josh?! Please tell me you’re joking Amy. Please tell me you’re fucking joking.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and slowly shook my head, “I’m not joking Sean. I’m so, so sorry. I made a huge mistake.”

“Huge is a goddamn understatement Amy,” Sean said, rubbing his forehead, “I can’t believe you would do something like this with our wedding so close! How could you Amy?”

“I don’t know Sean,” I covered my face with my hands and shook my head, “I don’t know where my head was when I slept with Josh. I just, I don’t know.”

“Remember when you thought I had cheated on you with Katie?” Sean murmured, “You ended our relationship right there and I hadn’t even done anything. You have actually cheated on me Amy. This isn’t a trick. You actually had sex with another man. What do you think I should do Amy?”

I had no answer for him. But I refused to cry in front of him. I knew I had no right to cry in front of him. I kept my focus on fighting back tears and couldn’t put much energy on thinking of an answer for Sean. He gave up waiting for me to speak and he went into our bedroom. He was gone for almost an hour and then he came back out dragging two suitcases behind him. He dropped them off at the front door and came into the kitchen holding out his hand, “Give it to me Amy.”

I looked down at my left hand and stared at the diamond ring on my finger. My trembling hand slid the ring off my finger and handed it to him. He jerked his hand away as soon as I dropped the ring into it and he stuffed it into his pocket, “I’ll come back later to get the rest of my stuff Amy. Just let me know when you leave to go fuck Josh again so I don’t have to see you when I get my things.”

“I ended things with Josh,” I said. Sean scoffed and smirked, shaking his head.

“Do you think that changes things Amy? It’s never going to be the same,” Sean said, “Never.”

I hung my head and finally let my tears come while Sean picked up his suitcases and left our apartment. He never even said good-bye. I picked up my phone and dialed Josh’s number. When it went to his voicemail, I hung up and called again with the same result. I called him a third time and hung up. He wasn’t going to be answering my phone calls tonight. I got up and shuffled into my bedroom that was now basically empty. My bed seemed so much bigger now and arranging my pillows to make it seem like Sean was lying next to me wasn’t helping at all. I cried into my blankets until I drifted off to sleep.

The first thing I did after waking up was take a shower. I sat in the shower for about an hour. I would’ve stayed in the shower all day but the water started going cold so I got out and changed into my clothes. Just as I came out of the bathroom, my phone started ringing, “Josh, I called you three times last night. Where were you?”

“I uh, went to sleep a bit early last night,” Josh said, his voice sounding hoarse and exhausted, “What did you need?”

“Can you come over?” I asked, knowing I was probably pissing Josh off by telling him we should end this and then asking him over. But I needed him here with me. I didn’t want to be alone. There was a long pause and the waiting was killing me. Finally, he answered me.

“Yeah,” he said, “I’ll be over in about an hour.”

I smiled and nodded as if he could see me, “Great. I’ll see you then.”

I hung up and I went to the living room and sat on the couch in silence, waiting for a very long hour. I didn’t know what I was going to say to Josh. My intention was never for Sean to leave. I didn’t think Sean would call off our wedding. But I knew he had every right to do so. I just hadn’t expected it. Just as Josh promised, he showed up after an hour.

“What’s going on?” he asked, looking around the apartment, “Is everything ok?”

“I’m not sure,” I said, “I told Sean everything. He, he left me. The wedding is off.”

“Oh…I’m really sorry Amy,” he said, “I’m sorry I ruined your wedding. I really am.”

“It was my fault too,” I mumbled, “But…a part of me is relieved that I’m not getting married. And I feel horrible about that part.”

I got off the couch and reached for Josh. I hugged him and pressed my face against his chest. Josh tensed up for a second but loosened up pretty quick, “I’m kind of…almost…relieved that I get to be with you. If, if you want to.”

“You invited me here to ask if I wanted to be with you?” Josh said, “After just breaking off a wedding last night?”

I dropped my arms and took a step back, looking down at my feet. Josh grabbed my arms and pulled me against him, “Fuck it. I really wanna be with you.”

He pressed his lips against mine, holding my face with everything he had. I opened my eyes for a moment and saw his were shut tight. He kissed me for a little while longer and finally broke away and just hugged me, “I don’t understand how this happened.”

“I don’t either,” I sighed, “But let’s just enjoy this moment.”