If You Asked Me if I Loved Him

We walked to his fiery Camaro, laughing as we strolled along and I doubt that a passenger seat has ever looked so good to anyone. He’s talking about what happened to him last night and I can’t help but concentrate on those beautiful eyes as we get in the car and he starts the engine. So gray, silver, and light blue, so energized; they pull me into a trance whenever I look into them.

“- So then, she tells me that I don’t care enough about her even though she loves me and my mind totally blanks. I can’t help but say ‘You love me?’ in this really moronic way-“ he continues on as he stops at a red light. “ and she says that yes, of course she loves me. So I have to tell her that I don’t love her and,” he stops suddenly to glance over at me just as the light turns green. “I’m not boring you are I?” he asked and I laughed through my negative reply.

“Continue on,” I added as my mind turned to thoughts of his girlfriend, Kaitlin. She was such a drama queen and needy and I thought about the fact that I’d hate to be her. Then, I remembered who she was dating and I fell into that huge, seemingly bottomless pit of envy and jealousy.

“- And I said to her that I’m never gonna fall in love,” he explains as he stops at yet another red light and sweeps his hair out of his eyes. He’s said this so many times before and each time I laugh at his response and pray to God that he’ll be wrong.

“Well, she goes off on this rant asking my true intentions on dating her if I’m never gonna fall in love and such. I stand there and take it for a while, but then I just stormed out because I didn’t have to take that shit. So I think we broke up,” he finished off his story as he pulled the car up in front of our favorite weekend hangout. It amazes me that he can see everything Kaitlin’s doing to him and stand up to it, but he can’t see the way I feel about him.

“Good for you,” I smiled, hiding my thoughts, as he turned to glance at me. His hand moves to the stereo controls and he turns the radio on. Lady GaGa blares through the speakers and I tune her out as I steal glances at him. He’s reaching for the volume as I think about us. It’s probably never even crossed his mind that I’m the one he should be avoiding. I’m the one who’s in love with him. He changes the radio station and Paramore comes through the speakers.

“I don’t think I’d ever date Lady GaGa,” he pauses to look at me before continuing. “I mean, they don’t even know what it is, do they?” he asks, totally serious. I choke slightly before I turn to look at him, forgetting my earlier train of thought. I look at him like he’s got four heads.

“What?” he defends himself, “They’re actually doing a study on it to find out if it’s a girl or a boy!” he said and I raised an eyebrow.

“How do you know about that?” I ask, narrowing my eyes as a look of guilt appears on his face.

“Okay, so maybe I can’t take all the credit,” he began and quickly backtracked at the glare I gave him. “Or any of the credit actually. Matt Webb of Marianas Trench said it first. I just thought it was funny,” he shrugged slightly out of embarrassment.

“You know, Cody, just because they say copying is the highest form of flattery, doesn’t mean it’s true,” I chided lightly as he pouts slightly. I pinched his cheek gently just as Perfect by Simple Plan came on.

“This is one of my favourite songs!” I mouthed the words as he spoke them excitedly. I rolled my eyes as it was his turn to glare at me. I glared back as he parked outside my house and raised one eyebrow in the way that always made him laugh. He fought it for a moment before he succumbed.

“You have got to teach me how to do that!” he laughed as I chuckled along with him.

“Why on Earth would I do that?” I asked as I made to get out of the car. He grabbed my wrist to pull me back for a moment.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, ‘kay?” he asked and I nodded as he released my wrist, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach and the sparks flying around in my skin.

I walk inside my house and away from him as I hear the engine growl and I know he’s gone. My mind wanders back to our ride together just when I open the front door. No one’s home of course, so I just walk up to my room and lie on the bed.

It didn’t surprise me that he got into another fight with Kaitlin. After all, the boy certainly loves a good argument and she always seems ready to give him one. Sometimes I wonder about him though. Nobody’s ever seen him cry, but I’m almost certain he did when his first girlfriend broke up with him. It broke his heart and he made sure everyone knew that he never loved her and that he’d never love anybody. Well, the talk died down a few months later and dimwitted people like Kaitlin forgot about it and tried to get him to fall in love anyway.

I guess neither of us let anyone see how we really feel. He only cries when he’s alone and I never let anybody see me loving him and admiring him from afar. At least I never thought I did. I figured nobody could tell that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. Then I started going to his house a lot more often and his sister and father were always there. It hit me immediately how alike he and his father were; they had the same eyes and nose.

His sister, Delilah, was a drop dead gorgeous girl that every boy wanted and every girl envied, even me. She was truly, breathtakingly beautiful. As I visited her and Cody more often though, the envy started to go away. She really was just a normal girl. She had quirks and everything, just like everyone else. She was also perceptive. One afternoon, she winked at me and I knew that she knew where my heart resided.

My mind changed gears and thought about his last birthday. He was born on the seventeenth of February, a day before me. His sister and I had given him the best present ever, at least that’s what he said. Somehow, her and I pooled together the money to get him a classic Fender Stratocaster in brilliant forest green, his favourite colour. He’d hugged the two of us so tight that it was worth the huge gaping holes in my heart and bank account. Of course his family and I are the only ones who know he even plays guitar. He hasn’t even told Kaitlin. Maybe he’s shy about it because he writes songs. Or maybe he likes having a secret only a few people know. It’s comforting to know there’s a part of him I know that most other people don’t and that he’d never tell them if they asked.

I glanced away from the ceiling to look at the walls surrounding me. There were pictures of me and him all over the walls. They were tacked to my corkboard, fitted into the frame of my mirror, placed randomly on the blank whiteness of the walls. The typical, cliché love story. The girl falls for her best friend, a guy, but it’s unrequited. It was so typical and overplayed I knew I wasn’t making this up in my mind.

I turn to look at the clock glowing brightly on the table beside my bed. The numbers told me it was eleven at night. I didn’t feel like moving, so I rolled over and went to sleep.

I woke up from nonexistent dreams and my mind immediately turned to Cody. I thought about him as I got up and walked to the bathroom. I thought about how beautiful he was, how intelligent. I dwelled on these thoughts throughout my shower. I know I’ll need to put on my makeup if I’m ever going to get him to look at me as more than a friend. As my hands applied the eyeliner and mascara, my mind turned to prayer. I asked God each and every morning to let me be with the one I’m meant to be with. Each and every day I have to suffer through another lonely day. Today wouldn’t be any different.

Cody would be here in five minutes. Every Saturday he comes over at 12:30 and we play games before having lunch. Saturday’s our day. Sunday is his date night. I ignored the shiver that ran down my spine and ignored the thoughts of Kaitlin and him kissing that were floating to the top of my mind.

Knocks at the door pushed those thoughts aside as I bolted out of my room and down the stairs.

“Hey, Carms,” he greeted as he shut the door behind him. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, almost breathless at the sight of him. He was wearing dark jeans and an Avenged Sevenfold shirt with a navy sports jacket.

“Hey,” I breathed back as he smiled down at me.

“Ready to get your ass kicked?” he grinned as he took off his shoes.

“Ha, you know you’re going down Cody,” I laughed as he led the way up the stairs two at a time. As he walked into the room, he looked around at the walls and smiled.

“We need to take some new pictures for your walls, Carms,” he stated as he stared at one from when we were five.

“We could always take a picture when I kick your ass at Rockband,” I grinned as he glared mockingly at me. I passed him the drumsticks before he could say a word.

“I’ve known you for a while,” was all I said as I wondered how he overlooked the truth so easily. He knew I had other friends, yet none of them made the wall. He should have known he was special. It sometimes surprised me how innocent he was.

I picked up the guitar as he navigated the system to the beginning of Beatles Rockband.

“Your fave song first, then mine, alright?” he said and I rolled my eyes.

“Do You Want To Know A Secret followed by A Hard Day’s Night?” I replied and he laughed. We’ve been starting with the same two songs ever since we both started playing.

“Fine, be that way,” he pouted as he started the first song.

We laughed and smiled all through the three hours of Rockband. It was great, being there alone with him. When we were done, we flopped onto my bed exhausted.

“Should I turn the light on?” I asked because it was getting dark out already.

“Nah. If there’s light through the window, we’re good. If there’s not, we’re not. Simple,” he stated as he turned beside me.

“That’s so black and white, though,” I responded as I went up on my elbow to meet his gaze.

It was awkward for a moment, lying like that.

“I’m not too terribly hungry,” he said as we stared at each other.

“Neither am I,” I replied in a whisper. We were inches apart. Carmen, if there was ever a time to go for the kiss, now would be it. I was about to move in as he pulled back.

“I think I should go,” he stated and smiled, trying to relieve the awkwardness.

“Yeah, okay,” I answered monotonously, but with a smile on my face. He turned around and started for the staircase. I followed behind him down the steps and waited as he slipped on his shoes.

“I’ll see you later, Carms,” he said as he enveloped me in a hug. I hugged him back even though it hurt and released him when I was supposed to. He stood there on the threshold for a moment before walking to his car.

I feel like shouting after him to tell him that I love him. I feel like saying I get breathless when he’s around. I wish I could say I’m holding every breath for him. But I can’t.

I truly love him, but if you asked me if I loved him…

I’d lie.