Poison

It’s not my fault, I kept telling myself. Over and over again in my head the words repeated. It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. I sat on the couch by myself with my legs pressed up against my chest, waiting for someone to say something, waiting for Jack or Alex to get here or even Lisa or Bella. They probably all knew since we all lived on the same street – they would come rushing to see why the police and fire trucks were called. So I just sat there waiting.

“Mrs. Barakat, we’ve called your husband – Jack, he’s on his way,” The fire chief told me and I simply shook my head. I could hear him talk to the other officers about how to ‘handle’ Jack. That they would have to restrain him; I just started to shake my head and felt silent tears fall on my legs.

Before I knew it, before I was prepared for it the fire chief touched my shoulder, “Ma’am, your husband’s outside – maybe you could calm him down?”

I gave this forty-something year old man a cold look before walking passed all of the medical equipment that was utterly useless to see Jack, in handcuffs on the ground, crying. I ran to him and collapsed down beside him. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he cried into my shoulder.

“How could she be gone? How could a perfectly healthy six year old little girl be just… gone?” He kept asking the same questions over and over again and directly into my ear. I just shook my head. I had no answers for him. None he couldn’t answer for himself. All I knew was my baby was gone and nothing was going to change that.

I helped Jack up just in time for us to watch as they rolled Annalyn’s body out of the house on the stretcher. I cried. I cried so hard that when a new man came up to me and Jack, newly released from his handcuffs, I barely saw him. He introduced himself as Detective Drew Nickerson.

“I just need to ask you two some questions, is there a neighbor’s house we could use?” We nodded and walked across the street and down two houses to Alex and Lisa’s. When they saw us with the Detective they knew immediately what had happened. We went into the dining room, all five of us. It seems that the Detective thought it would be good to question everyone together and then later individually because that’s what he ultimately did.

“You have all been in involved in Annalyn’s life – her entire life?” He asked. We nodded. That seemed to work as a statement because he jotted something down in his notepad. “But you, Mr. Barakat and you, Mr. Gaskarth and in a musical group – are you not? Which means you leave for numerous amounts of time to tour and record new albums, correct?”

Jack and Alex nodded simultaneously – but Alex added defensively, “Ever since Jack and Jade had Anna – we’ve always took them on tour and to L.A. when we’ve produced new albums. So you don’t have a point there.”

Detective Nickerson wrote down Alex’s statement in the notepad and began questioning me and Lisa, harshly – “Have you Ms. Ruocco, ever wanted children of your own?”

Lisa obviously didn’t know how to take the question – so she looked to Alex who just smiled and shrugged, “I’m actually six weeks along right now, thank you. We didn’t want to tell anyone because it’s so early.”

“Congrats, Lis’,” I tried to be happy for my friend but happiness was really hard to come by at the moment.

“Of course, congratulations Ms. Ruocco, Mr. Gaskarth,” Another scratch in the notepad. I knew he was trying to find out if we did anything wrong, but honestly wasn’t the coroner’s report supposed to tell us that? Or CSI or something along those lines? I don’t honestly hold much faith in detectives.

Detective Nickerson cleared his throat and his eyes set on me – I was prime real estate for doing something bad, wasn’t I? A twenty four year old woman with lots of life left to spare. He probably thinks I did it for the insurance or something, “Mrs. Barakat – have you ever suffered from postpartum depression?”

Straight. Direct. And definitely to the point. “No, never. I loved Annalyn with my entire heart and I would have never done anything, anything to hurt her. No one in this room would have. We loved her, we spoiled her. She was me and Jack’s entire world – do you think I would have taken my world away? I would have killed myself before I would have done that, you stupid man.”

And with that insult I pushed my chair out and left the room. No one can accuse you of wrongdoing and simply get away with it without being punished. I had been bold and I had been ruthless just then, and maybe if I had continued on that streak, I wouldn’t be where I am now. That day was just the tip of the iceberg. My ship was sailing into the unknown, uncharted waters. I thought I was unsinkable. But you know what they say about unsinkable ships don’t you?