A Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Romance

Her lips were tightly pursed together as she stared at the reflection in the mirror. The woman looking back at her was the tired woman that only saw the light of day when no one was around. It was only then that Ella felt secure enough to let down her wall, to let her emotions consume her and as she stared at the woman whose eyes were bloodshot from crying, as she stared at the woman who looked as if she hadn’t sleep in days, she couldn’t help but feel that this was the last time that woman would ever see the light of day.

That after that morning everything would be different.

After four long years, their relationship would finally reach its end. There would be no more getting back together, Ella had finally admitted to herself that what she felt for James wasn’t love, it hadn’t been love in years. Now that she had finally admitted that to herself, she could no longer hide behind her words and lies, she knew that life had to go on.

There was no point in staying at his side.

He was no good.

He would never be any good.

And good was something that Ella desperately needed in her life.

The four years had been hard for her. She had been through more than she could have ever imagined possible, but she was still alive, she had survived it all and as she stood in front of the mirror in the public restroom on the beach, she forced to remember just how hard she had fought to make it through.

There were times when Ella thought that she was finally going to lose it and completely succumb to the drugs and alcohol, times when college was the enemy and her loved ones were strangers, but she had fought though it, she had clung tightly to the hope that things would be better if she just kept trying, that things would work themselves out if she didn’t give up and now, now her life was on the verge of getting back on track.

All she needed to do was leave James.

Their relationship had run its course. It was time to cast aside the dead weight that was dragging her down, because that’s what he was. His dreams were unrealistic, his life a mess and as much as she cared for him, as much as she wanted to be the one that fixed him, she knew better than to think it possible. She wasn’t a teenager anymore. She no longer had time to spend on him. She was an adult that had to start making her dreams for the future into a reality.

A life with him wasn’t in her future.

And although she was well aware of that, she couldn’t bring herself to leave the safety of the restroom. Her body refused to go in search of him. That was due to the fact that a part of her was still praying that a miracle would happen. That James would undergo a startling transformation which would make her reconsider everything she felt. She was hoping for a transformation that would make her feel the way she did when she first set eyes on him.

“He’s not changing.” She whispered to herself. “He hasn’t changed in four years . . . he’s never going to change so just stop thinking he will,” her voice grew louder. “Stop thinking that he’s going to get better, stop lying to yourself, you know he won’t change! You know it!” her grip on the sink loosened and the tears began to fall. “He doesn’t care about you. All he cares about are his drugs. That’s why he got a gun after he’d almost died. That’s why he went behind your back so stop being such a fucking idiot. Don’t let those fucked ideas of romance ruin your life, because James isn’t the one.”

The last few words she said, gave her the courage to leave the restroom. She stepped away from the sink, her heart pounding violently within her chest as she walked out into the sunlight. Her lips were still pressed tightly into a thin line and her brow had decided that it was time to furrow itself. She looked like a woman going off to war and in a sense she was, because breaking up with James was going to be difficult.

She may have had practice when it came to breaking up with him, but on those occasions she had ended things knowing very well that they would just end up getting back together. That wasn’t the case this time around. This time the end had truly come which made walking towards his house the hardest thing she had ever done. It was on par with her journey to Planned Parenthood.

The walk to his house was quicker than she had expected and for a moment, she felt like walking to her house and back just so she could kill some more time. She put things off by nature, procrastinating on all her school work and it only made sense that she would try to put this off a little longer, at least until she had her cup of coffee but just as she was turning to leave, she saw his front door open and then he emerged.

He was grinning widely at her. His grey eyes shining with the love he felt for her and as she stared at him, she felt her resolve slip. He loved her. He may not always show it, but he loved her.

“Gabriella!” he said her name in Spanish, his accent butchering it slightly. “I was just about to go find you.”

“What for?” she forced a smile onto her face.

“Just wanted to see if you’re alright.” he ran down the steps to her. “But you saved me the journey of having to find you.”

“Want me to leave? I'm sure I can find a good hiding place that’ll keep you searching for a few hours.”

“Nah,” James placed his hands on her hips. “This is better than having to go roaming for you.”

“But roaming is so much more fun.”

“More fun than hanging out with me?” he pouted, his face holding a childlike innocence that would’ve made any stranger walking by think that he was a harmless young man.

Ella stared into his eyes, the warmth in them causing her heart to constrict painfully. He was so happy. He was looking at her in the way that used to make her blush, but the look no longer thrilled her. It made her sick to her stomach because it would soon be replaced by an expression of hurt.

“Loads more.” She raised her hand to his cheek.

The moment her skin touched his, he closed his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Just staring,” Ella answered softly, her fingers trailing across his cheek. “You shaved.”

His breathing hitched as her fingers trailed down his jaw.

“I thought you were going to grow it out.” Ella lowered her hand.

“That was the plan, but something came up.”

“What?”

He shot her a coy smile. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Just tell me now.”

There wouldn’t be a later. The present was all they had left and James was letting their last few minutes slip by as if they had all the time in the world to talk.

“I can’t, at least not yet.”

“James,” she huffed.

He groaned loudly. “Be patient.”

“James.” This time she said his name with more authority.

“I'm not supposed to tell you until later, so just wait a little while. I promise it won’t be long.”

“You want to tell me right now. I can see it in your eyes. You’re dying to tell me why you shaved and I really want to know.” Ella nibbled on her bottom lip. “Did you get a job somewhere? Are you going for an interview? What is it James? Please tell me what it is.”

She hoped it would be news so good that it would help him get over their impending break up.

“It’s better than a job.” James removed his right hand from her hip and pushed back a few stray strands from her face. “A lot better.” He added.

“Are you going back to school?”

“I said better, not worse.”

“Did they catch the fuckers that beat you up? That’s it!” she exclaimed triumphantly. “That has to be it. I mean, that’s why you shaved. You have to go give a statement and pick them out a line up so you shaved. Oh James, I'm so relieved they caught them.”

“It’s not that either.” James chuckled. “I knew that this was going to happen. The moment anyone says anything you automatically have to know what’s gong on.”

“So does mean you’re going to tell me?”

“It means I’ll show you.”

James took her hand in his and led her to the backyard where his surprise awaited her. He had woken up a little after she had left and instead of going down to the beach to find her, he began to set up. He wanted everything to be perfect, like he had always imagined it would be and as he led her to the spot secluded part of the backyard, he had to stop himself from throwing her over his shoulder and running.

Ella trailed slightly behind James. She was at a complete loss as to what was going on, but she was curious to find out why James had cut off the beard that he had been sporting for the last year and a half. It had to be something truly important for him to have done it.

They flew through the garden, passing his mother whom was busy tending to her vegetables and flowers. His mother stared at Ella with a knowing smile she was in on the secret, whatever it was, she was in on it and that made Ella feel uneasy. Perhaps James hadn’t cleaned up for a job or for school or for anything that pertained solely to him.

Perhaps he had . . . no.

There was no way that James would be thinking about that. That had always just been discussed in whenever they were high or drunk. It wasn’t something that he could have thought of when he was sober. Ella refused to believe what was happening.

Even when she saw the beautifully decorated area, she refused to believe it.

“Remember when you asked why I planted the sunflowers back here?” James asked as he led her towards them.

“You just smiled at me when I asked.”

James stopped moving. “Do you want to know why I planted them back here?”

“James . . .” she was going to express her ardent desire to not hear why he planted them, but he started talking before she could.

“I planted them so that when it came time to do this,” James breathed in deeply and began to lower himself onto one knee. “Everything would be perfect for you. I know this isn’t some castle or fancy museum, but it was here that I first realized just how much I love you. I remember standing here after we’d first made love and worrying about what was happening to you. I remember standing here and feeling like I couldn’t breathe because I didn’t know if you were alright or not. That’s the first I’d ever worried about anyone other than myself.” His eyes began to flood with tears. “Before you, I just wanted to fuck anyone that crossed my path. I didn’t have standards. I didn’t have dreams but then I met you and . . .” his voice broke. “And I knew that you were the one.”

She wanted to scream for him to stop. He was just making things harder on them both, but Ella couldn’t speak. Her vocal chords were refusing to cooperate with her. All she could do was stand there in silence, her eyes firmly fixed on the man that was down on one knee.

“I know I'm not perfect Gabriella, but you make me want to be a better man. I want to get my GED and get a good job so that I can take care of you and when you have babies, I want to be a stay at home dad so you can keep working or if you want to stay home with them, I’ll work. I’ll do whatever, as long as you’re happy, I’ll be happy because nothing beats seeing you happy. And I want to make you happy. I promise that I'm going to make you the happiest woman that’s ever lived and that’s why I wanted to ask you if you’d marry me.”

With shaking hands he pulled the ring out of his pocket and held it out to her.

“Will you marry me, Gabriella?”

On the inside, she was screaming no at the top of her lungs.

On the outside, she was silent as the grave.

Ella attempted to give him an answer. She opened her lips and tried to talk but words were evading her. She was mute and she was pissed off at herself. If she had just followed her brothers advice this entire situation would have been avoided. She would have broken up with James in the front yard and would have never known that he planned on proposing to her. She would have never known just how much she was breaking his heart.

James mistook her silence as a good sign. He thought it meant that she was so overwhelmed by joy that she had been rendered incapable of speech. It was with that thought that he took her hand in his and tried to slip on the ring that he had worked so hard to buy, but just as the cold, platinum band was touching her skin, Ella pulled away.

“I-I'm sorry James . . . I'm so sorry but I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I mean I can’t marry you. I don’t want to marry you.”

“But you love me?!” he cried.

“Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” Ella implored, tears streaming down her face.

“I worked so hard to grow these sunflowers for you. I set up a canopy and decorated it so it would be like one of those Jane Austen movies and you’re going to stand there and tell me you can’t marry me? Why would you do that to me? You love me, Ella! You love me!”

Ella flinched.

“Just tell me what I did wrong. Tell me what I did wrong and I’ll fix it! I’ll make everything better and you’ll want to marry me as much as I want to marry you.”

“James!”

“I’ll get my GED first and a real job. Then we can get married. I’ll even move out to Berkeley so your parents don’t have to pay for housing, I’ll pay for housing. I’ll –”

“JAMES!”

“Work two jobs, three jobs if I have to! But you’ll never go without. I swear you’ll never go without!”

“For the love of God, listen to me!”

“Can’t you see I'm trying to fix things!” he screamed at her.

“There’s no fixing this.”

“Yes there is! Everything can be fixed and I'm going to fix this. Just tell me what I did wrong. Tell me why you won’t marry me! TELL ME!” he grabbed her and threw her against the wall, pinning her to it. “FUCKING TELL ME!”

“THIS IS WHY I WON’T MARRY YOU!” Ella threw him off. “You’re fucking crazy James! One moment you love me and the next you treat me like shit.”

“I'm only treating you like shit because you won’t tell me why you don’t marry me. Just tell me why!”

“I don’t want to marry you, because I don’t love you! That’s why.”

James stumbled backwards. “You d-don’t love me? That’s not true. I know you love me. I can feel it.”

“James, please just stop it. This is hard enough.”

“Why don’t you love me? I gave you everything.”

“No.” Ella wiped away her tears. “I was the one that gave you everything. I took care of you when you quit coke. I took care of you after you got your ass beat for dealing. I’ve given you everything I have but I'm done. And I'm not going to marry you because I know that when something is planted on toxic soil, it won’t survive. And this,” she motioned to herself and James, “Is as toxic as it gets. So I'm sorry that things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to, but this is where I take my leave.”

Ella began to walk away.

“If you leave, I'm never going to take you back,” he threatened her. “You’ll be dead to me.”

She stopped in her tracks. She had always known that after they broke up he wouldn’t anything to do with her but hearing him say that she would be dead to him felt worse than the time she had broken her arm and for a brief moment, she contemplated taking everything back. She seriously contemplated accepting his proposal, but she couldn’t condemn herself to life of misery at his side. She had dreams that she was going to make a reality.

So instead of apologizing, she kept walking.

James couldn’t believe it. He’d been certain that she’d apologize for fucking with him and tell him that if he still wanted to marry her, he could. That wasn’t how things worked out though and being as stubborn as he was, James followed her out, determined to make her his bride. He took in a deep breath, staring intently at the flowers that he had cared for. He then ran out after her. His mother stopped to ask him what had happened. He kept walking. She grabbed his arm and demanded an answer so he began to speak.

And that was when the shots rang out.

There were eight in total.

Those were all that were needed to prove the point; to send the message.

The shots were well planned, but the victim was not one that the shooter had ever wanted to harm. He had known her for many years, having wrestled against her on several occasions at their local gym, she was kind, she was sweet and it made him sick to his stomach to know that he was the one that had been ordered to shoot her. She didn’t deserve the pain that consumed her, but she was with him and that was enough to make her their target.

The moment the final bullet left his weapon, he returned to his seat and screamed for the driver to get the fuck out of there. He threw the gun on the car floor, hiding it with an empty bag from Chipotle and once he took off the ski mask that had shielded him from the others, he felt safe enough to breathe out a sigh of relief. He had done his duty and as they sped away, he couldn’t help but steal one last look at the mess he had made.

On the sidewalk lay her body, he could see James kneeling beside her, and even though they were a block and a half away, he could hear James’ mangled screams. To another, perhaps those screams would’ve struck fear, but to him, they struck remorse, but what was done was done and the only one that could truly be blamed for the way things had gone was James.

“CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE!” James yelled at the top of his lungs. “What the fuck are you waiting for?” he cursed at his mother. “CALL THE AMBULANCE!”

James as his mother raced into the house, her legs moving at a speed which he hadn’t known she possessed. The moment she ran into the house, he returned his attention to the bloodied Ella. Her shoulders were bleeding profusely, the color was draining from her face and her eyes were threatening to close.

“Gabriella, please just stay here with me, please.” James implored, his right hand tangled in her bloodied hair. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I already left you,” she muttered darkly. “I just didn’t get very far.”

“What the fuck?!” screamed Charlie.

She had heard the gunshots from her bedroom and had run outside to investigate. When she saw Ella lying on the ground, she raced towards her. Charlie threw James out of the way, knocking him onto the cement.

“Oh shit. Fuck.” Charlie whipped out her phone and called the ambulance. “I don’t know what fucking happened!” she hissed into the phone. “I just came outside and she was on the street, there are some gunshots on her right shoulder, p-please send someone quickly.”

The operator asked for the address. Charlie quickly gave it.

“Miss, that incident has already been reported and there should be ambulances there shortly. Stay calm and keep everyone away from the victim.”

Charlie hung up and did just that. She screamed at the people that were inching towards them. They were eager to know what had happened but Charlie wasn’t about to let her best friend be made a spectacle of and neither was James. He was picking fights with whoever got closer. He was picking fights with anyone that crossed his path.

“When the ambulance comes tell them to take me to Kaiser Permanente, that’s where we have our insurance,” Ella whispered hoarsely.

“You just got shot. Worry about surviving, not about the insurance.”

“Don’t want to make my parents broke,” muttered Ella.

Charlie began to weep. “Don’t worry about that, just stay with me.”

James reappeared at her side.

“Get out of here!” Charlie yelled furiously.

“She’s my girlfriend!” James was trying to act like their last talk hadn’t happened.

“I'm not.” Ella croaked. “I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I don’t want to be your wife. I told you that and then you said I was dead to you, so for all I know, that just might come true.”

“I didn’t mean that. I was just angry Ella. You know I don’t want you dead. I want you wandering this beach with me.”

“With you,” Ella chuckled darkly. “I'm never going to wander anywhere with you again and if I die, I want to die knowing that I ruined the memory you had of me so you can’t dream with me when you sleep. I want you to hate me as much as I hate you right now, because this shit was your doing.

“NO!” he grabbed her arm without thinking. “I didn’t tell anyone to shoot you. I would never . . .”

“But you dealt and what did I tell you about dealing?”

James remained quiet.

“I told you that the dealers aren’t the ones that get fucked the worst, the people that care about them are.” Ella’s breathing grew ragged. “And just . . . just as I stopped caring, they decided it was time to fuck me.” The steady stream of tears that fell from her eyes picked up its pace. “I guess this is God’s way of punishing me for what I did. So much for being merciful . . .”

They watched as her body fell limp on the ground. Almost instantly, James attempted to pounce on her boy, he wanted to hold her in his arms until the ambulance arrived, but Charlie wouldn’t have it. She threw him onto the ground with more force than before and finally gave him the beating she had dreamt of giving him for over two years.

His blood soon mixed with the blood of Ella and he fell back onto the ground, clutching his broken nose as his howls of agony filled the air. His howls were ignored by Charlie whom crawled back to Ella, she checked for a pulse, there was one, not as strong as she would have liked, but it was there, it was steady.

The police were the first to arrive, then the fire department and finally the ambulance. The moment the ambulance arrived, Charlie rushed towards them and began relaying to them what Ella had asked her to say. She told them that Ella’s insurance was with Kaiser Permanente and she then proceeded to ask if she could ride in the ambulance with Ella.

It was there that a fight broke out between Charlie and James.

“Don’t even think about getting in that ambulance!” James roared as he stalked towards her. “I’m the one that’s traveling with her so get the fuck out and mind your own business.”

“She’s my best friend, she is my business!” Charlie shot back.

“So what!” he spat. “She’s my . . .” he trailed off, not knowing exactly what to call her.

Ella had broken up with him. Her words had been final. They had been cold, but he clung to the belief that there was a way to make things better, that the universe would ensure their union.

“She’s your what?” Charlie inquired gruffly. “She’s nothing to you. All she is, is your ex girlfriend so get the fuck over it, get the fuck over it and leave her alone! You’ve done enough shit to her to last a lifetime.”

“But I love her,” his voice lost its edge; he sounded like a man that was finally realizing that his heart would not remain in tact. “She’s my cosmic mate.”

“ENOUGH OF THAT!” she had never been fond of that term. “Jim and Pam were nothing but two fucked up junkies! They were always fighting and beating the shit out of each other and they died young, the lives they led killed them. Is that what you want? Do you honestly want to watch Ella fall apart like Pam did just so you can say that you two were Jim and Pam? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! Answer me. Fucking answer me.”

“I don’t fucking want that for us, but I want her.” James slumped against the fence, his eyes glued to the workers that were placing Ella on the gurney. “I know you hate me and I don’t blame you. You’ve probably heard our fights from your room and think I'm a fucking dick that doesn’t care about her but I love that woman with everything I got and I just want to make her happy.”

“But you can’t.”

“Yes, I can!” argued James.

“If you could make her happy, she would have told you what insurance she had so you could’ve been the one to arrange things, but she didn’t.”

“It was the . . .”

“Save yourself the heartache, save her the pain, and let her go.”

They were beginning to raise the gurney into the ambulance.

“I can’t.”

Charlie’s eyes softened, she let her tears begin to fall again. “Then know that the next time they take her away in an ambulance, it’s gonna be because someone shot her down because of you.” she whispered the last part softly. “So go ahead and woo her again. Go ahead and make her think that she you two are perfect together, but know that you’ll condemn her to death.”

“Miss, are you ready to go?” the EMT interrupted their conversation.

Charlie looked over to him and then to James. “You want to go to the hospital or do you want to give her a chance at something better?”

“I want to . . .” James began to say, but his voice cracked so violently that he had to pause momentarily. “Just go,” he whispered.

“What?” that wasn’t what Charlie had expected from him.

“GO!” he ordered, his face constricting so violently that it looked as if he had been the one that had been shot.

James watched in silence as Charlie ran towards the ambulance. She wasn’t even halfway before he got the urge to run, he could cast her aside and ride with Ella, he could be the one that called her parents and kept everyone up to date, he could be the first face she saw, but his heart kept him from doing so.

His heart recognized the truth in Charlie’s words.

And as the ambulance began to drive off, his mind began to realize it as well.

This was their end.