I'll Forget About You

Garrett and I were texting for the majority of the day after our non-intercourse. Of course I wanted to see more of him, right away. I wanted more of him, all of him, but how soon would I be ready? For the entire time Garrett and I had been doing whatever it is we’re doing, I had though I was ready. Maybe it was the fact that it was the middle of the afternoon, and his bedroom was filthy, and it just didn’t feel like I imagined it should.

He’d told me, to my dismay, that he was busy most of the day and night with some friends he hadn’t seen in months. I was slightly disappointed, but figured it was for the best, for both of us. He could have his bro time, and I could figure out what the hell I was doing. Because to be honest, I still had no idea what I was doing or where I was going with this charade I had been keeping up ever since the words of “ASU Phoenix” left my mouth.

It was still in state, still remotely close, but just far enough so that it would be reasonable for Garrett to want to date other girls and move on and not feel bad about leaving me in his dust.

Because come Labor Day, that is exactly what I will be doing.

So we exchanged text messages here and there, Garrett saying cute and silly things while I tried to busy myself with a book, which wasn’t much use when the only thing I could think of was the shocking reality of last night. Everything washed through my mind again and again, keeping me questioning whether I should have just gone for it and not cared what his roomed looked like, or what time of day it was. I wondered if Garrett kept thinking the same things, or if his mind was safe in the presence of his friends, free from any worry.

Most of my worry was self-inflicted. Always.

Like when suddenly it had been five days since I’d last talked to Garrett, and I had no idea where he was.

My friends called this “shady.” I called it “figuring out he had been lied to.” Although I wasn’t sure how he would figure that out, unless one of the girls betrayed me. And to be honest, I wouldn’t put it past any of them, despite the fact that none of them actually knew him. I liked to think it was safe to say no one knew him like I knew him now, but that was a lie and I was well aware of it.

I gave up calling on the third day, figuring some serious damage had happened to his phone and he had absolutely no way of getting a hold of me (maybe his legs were broken in a phone-wrecking accident?). The truth was, he would call when he wanted. And if he didn’t, well, that’s how summer romances happen.

They start, they heat up, and then they end, dying out along with the heat of the ending summer.

Shit happens.

So I tried my best to tell myself that this wasn’t my fault, because I called and texted enough times for him to get the message that he should probably respond. Once again, trying to busy myself with menial tasks around the house, eventually pulling me back out into the world of those friends I had met at the beginning of the summer. And so far, I’d spent most of the summer ignoring them, choosing Garrett in favor.

They didn’t give me crap for it though, because we all knew they’d do exactly the same thing should they actually be able to entice a boy for more than one night.

We sat out at the firepit, the stars barely even visible through the suburban smog. They talked, prodded questions here and there about the intricacies of mine and Garrett’s relationshit.

“Well, it was great, and then it wasn’t,” I said honestly, thrusting a marshmallow on a stick into the flames, turning it now and then to avoid it catching fire.

“Obviously he didn’t deserve you if he can’t call you and at least tell you he’s not interested,” Angela remarked, tsk-ing. I sighed. This was all so confusing, seeing as how nothing of this magnitude had ever happened to me before.

“You two ever, y’know, do it?” Natalie asked, a certain strange curiosity in her voice.

“Almost,” I said, dryly. “But I don’t know, it just didn’t feel right. So I said no. I don’t know, maybe I should have said yes. Maybe he’d call me.”

“That douche bag!” Angela exclaimed. “That’s all boys ever want, I fucking swear. You don’t put out, they put you out. Fuck that.”

I had to snicker at her statement. Hear that Garrett? Fuck you.

Long after I left the girls, retreated back to the safety of my own bedroom, the question still loomed over me, hanging on my shoulders all the way into the next day. Was I more angry or sad that Garrett hadn’t called? Did this make me regret my decision to say no more or less? And most importantly, what if I had said yes?

I couldn’t stop thinking. It seemed about the only thing I could do, and it sure as hell wasn’t passing the time any faster than doing nothing at all. The hours, the minutes, they were all filled with him. Ultimately I decided it was a good thing we didn’t end up doing anything that day. He probably still would’ve dropped off the radar at some point, just like I was bound to do, and I guess it was a good thing he did it sooner than later. I really knew how I felt now. I felt like I didn’t ever want Garrett to be the one leaving me, because it was my job to be leaving him. The feeling sucked, to be ditched like this.

Although, when my phone finally rang, my gut panging in a sign telling me that this couldn’t be one of the girls, I couldn’t decide what would happen if he tried to come back.

My heart flew into my throat while my stomach fell, the caller ID displaying his name. Do I answer, or do I let it go?

My head told me to give in to apathy and let it keep ringing, but my heart took the call on the last ring.

“H-hello,” I answered, trying to sound more impervious to Garrett’s absence than I had been.

“Hey, Lainie… it’s, uh, me, Garrett,” he spoke, his voice indeed sounding much worse than mine had. I wasn’t sure what direction this conversation would take. He sounded scared, like he knew he fucked up, but was calling anyways just to admit it. Or maybe he just thought he owed me the courtesy of verbally cutting all ties, since his lack of calls had left me to assume the worst.

“What do you want?” My voice was harsh, hardened, unsure.

“To explain,” he said, drawing in a deep breath so as to not let me get a word in before started said explanation. “Look, I know I’ve been gone. Haven’t called. Haven’t anything. I’m sorry.”

“What are you looking for, Garrett? Do you want me to forgive you or something? Admit you were wrong but it’s all okay because you said you were sorry?” My lips stung from the words.

Garrett sighed loudly. I could picture him, sitting in his room, his hand flying to his face now as he wasn’t sure what to do next. “Just let me take you out, please. I just need to see you.”

Well, I needed to see him too at one point. “No.”

“I’ll be there at eight,” he said, ignoring my weak opposition entirely.

“I’m not coming out with you, Garrett.” My defense wouldn’t hold up for long, but of us knew it. I could try. Maybe Garrett would give up easily, and both of us could lose the game.

“Well then I’ll wait on your porch until you change your mind.”

“My mom’ll be home,” I tried, hoping to evade his persistence.

“It’s a Friday. You said she works Wednesday through Sunday, every night,” he replied sharply. “Yes, I remember. I was listening. Always listening, I am.”

“Can you listen to me then, and hear that I do not want to see you, Garrett?” My words felt thin and fragile, shaking in my throat as I hoped he would believe me.

“If you were telling the truth, I would.”

And just like that he was gone again, leaving me just as fast as he had returned. Leaving me questioning whether he would take my feeble words as an excuse, not bothering to try and come around again. I never knew with him, what exactly would happen. That’s what I had enjoyed so much about our previous times. However, it’s that characteristic that would get the worst of him, of course, making me feel like nothing that had happened between us was of any value.

But was anything? Was anything to be of value, if Garrett was under the impression we might have a chance after the summer ends, and I’d still be flying away from all my problems? It was hard to tell if anything would hold value by the time I left, once Garrett figured it out.

And it would be a lie to say I wasn’t waiting in semi-anticipation for eight o’clock to roll around, proving exactly what type of person Garrett was. Previously, I had thought he would be the type not to disappear without notice, but then again, I thought I wasn’t that person, either.

Hours passed slowly. I busied myself cleaning, organizing, meticulously reordering every item in every room, realizing that if Garrett wasn’t going to show up, this was going to be a long night.

It was just after eight now, my heart sinking ever so slightly to know that Garrett gave up because I’d told him to.

Four sharp knocks came from the front door, my ears almost swiveling towards the noise like a dog’s would. My stomach lurched inside of me, telling me to go downstairs and just open the door. One week of not seeing someone during the summer was nearly comparable to going a month without them any other time of the year. I felt angry at myself that I had let myself miss Garrett, and that I was just so damn eager to see him now. Did he even want to see me? Or was that just a lie?

I padded down the stairs, my heart pounding with each step I took. My mind was whizzing with all sorts of questions and emotions, my brain trying to convince me this would only complicate things further if I opened the door.

The look on Garrett’s face was priceless when I opened the door, just looking at him in silence while I waiting for something I wasn’t sure of.

“Lainie, wow, I didn’t think…” he trailed off there, appearing unsure of what he’d say next. “I mean, wow, it’s great to see you!”

He laughed, plastering on a smile that I couldn’t help but slyly return. Yes, I had missed him. Yes, I was mad at him, or, was mad at him. There wasn’t much you could be mad at in the world when Garrett smiled. I didn’t say anything to him, though. I just looked at him, tracing over the face I had learned so well over the past weeks. Obviously neither of us knew each other as well as we liked to think.

“Well, this is already further than I thought I would get, so… You’re still sure you don’t want to um, go out or something?”

I hesitated, not sure which answer I should give. “Why didn’t you call?”

Garrett’s eyes shifted to his shoes, his hands stuffed in his front pockets. I could tell this wasn’t going to be an easy answer. “That why I was hoping to see you, to explain everything. We don’t even have to go anywhere, we can just--”

“Come in,” I blurted, the words surprising me. Nonetheless I stepped aside though, letting in an equally as shocked Garrett.

We sat on the couch facing each other, while Garrett fed me some story comprising half of his grandma having a heart attack, half of him getting freaked out about not knowing what the hell was happening between us. Fair enough. I guess if Garrett was willing to come back, despite the confusion of us being together, we could just carry on in ignorance until the end of the summer.

“So I know I should’ve called, or something, anything. But I didn’t. And that was wrong, I know. I just… I didn’t know what to do. After that night, it was like everything changed. God, imagine how much everything would’ve changed if we actually… y’know.” Garrett was playing with his rings, occasionally looking up at me. A nervous laugh escaped both our lips, melting the tension only slightly.

“Are you ready for change?” I asked, not sure of which answer I would prefer. I sure as hell was ready for everything to change, if that meant Garrett and I would finally get in each other’s pants.

“I mean, yeah, of course,” he replied quickly, smiling. Safe to say we both wanted it, then. “I just, I don’t know. All of a sudden things got kind of scary, and I didn’t know what to do. But I’m ready now, and if you’re ready…”

“Then I guess things will just have to change,” I told him, sure of myself. Sure that I wanted things to skyrocket, leaving me and Garrett floating amidst the stars while we tried to figure out what was happening between us.

This was it.