The Movies Make It Look Easy

Chapter 67

Shannon’s P.O.V:

The darkness overwhelmed me. It felt like I was drowning, and I couldn’t do anything about it, couldn’t do anything to stop it. The only other thing I knew was the sharp, insistent pain in my chest. Something had been ripped away, and I didn’t know if I could ever get it back.
But I knew that at the end, there would be peace. The peace of knowing that nothing can hurt you anymore, of knowing that there would be no more pain.
I flailed about in the all-encompassing blackness, desperately trying to find my bearings. Hard to do when you’re floating in a vast expanse of choking darkness, barely able to remember yourself.

Suddenly, twin beams of brilliant light lit up the night. I turned away from the blinding intensity, cringing. It brought everything back. It hurtled towards me, and I instantly began to long for the solitary nothingness of the dark to once again encapsulate me.
The light drew closer, and was preceded by a cold wind that battered me relentlessly, bringing with it emotions and memories that were best kept under lock and key. The raging storm of pain, despair, hopelessness, and fragility pounded at me and I felt tears leave cold tracks down my cheeks.
All I could do was cover my head with my arms, and hope that it would soon end.

To my surprise, the tempest just seemed to…stop. I stood up straight and let my hands fall slowly back to my sides.
Everywhere around me was filled with a bright light, but instead of blinding; it had a soft glow that warmed me instantly – starting as a light caress against my skin, and sinking inside until it permeated my very being - pushing back the darkness. I knew then that I was safe.

After that, I remembered nothing.

Nick’s P.O.V:

Shannon tossed and turned for most of the night. I lay awake until the early hours of the morning – too much was on my mind for me to fall asleep. I dozed a bit, but I was frequently woken by the sudden and terrifying feeling that I was falling. I hated that.
For once, sleeping next to Shannon didn’t relax me. Maybe it was the almost palpable unease that seemed to roll off her in waves. Her eyelids flickered as she dreamed, and I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out and gently smoothing a finger over her puckered brow. She shifted towards me, the corners of her mouth turned downwards. I gathered her close and pressed a kiss to her forehead, my sigh ruffling her hair.
It had been a long day. And one that I was definitely glad was over. The mood had been sombre, and it seemed to me that the very house was permeated with a sense of wrongness; a discordant note that had thoroughly shaken the very foundations of Shannon’s family.

It was only when the bright red numbers on the alarm clock finally made it to seven that I rolled out of the uncomfortably warm bed. It would seem like a perfectly respectable time to be getting up – well, to those who didn’t know me.
There was a chill in the air that instantly raised goose bumps on my skin. A few extra layers were definitely in order. I fumbled for the door handle, my movements hesitant in the darkened room. My eyes felt gritty, and I stifled a yawn, glancing back only once before stepping out into the hall.
Ryan’s bedroom door was firmly shut and I padded silently past without pausing. The lights were all off as I made my way downstairs, but I noticed a warm, cheery glow issuing from the kitchen. Somebody was up. The house was silent except for the patter of rain outside. I glanced out the windows to either side of the front door and saw a dreary, overcast day.
I stopped in the middle of the foyer, wondering if I should just go back upstairs to Shannon’s room. I didn’t know if I could face whoever was up. I never quite knew what to say; and when I did speak, the words felt clumsy and useless. But no, I couldn’t bear the thought of going back upstairs to lie awake watching Shannon sleep so fitfully. It was too hard.

I sighed heavily, forcing myself to begin walking again. My eyes were briefly drawn to the open living room door as I moved past. I remembered my last visit; when the Christmas tree had stood proudly in the corner, decorations covering every inch.
After stowing our luggage the day before, the family had gathered in the living room. I’ll admit it wasn’t the nicest situation I’d ever been in. A few half-hearted questions were asked under the façade of normalcy, but everyone had soon lapsed into silence; the reason for the impromptu gathering always in the air.
What I had noticed was the way Carol rarely took her eyes off the photo that had been a Christmas gift from her children. It took pride-of-place on the old wooden mantelpiece above the fire. I remembered that when she was given the framed photograph, tears had welled up in her eyes - tears of love and happiness at the sight of all of her children together. This time, the tears had been caused by pure, unadulterated pain.

An involuntary shiver overcame me, and I clasped my hands together tightly in the front pocket of my hoodie. I was only a few steps away from the kitchen now. I took a deep breath, steeling myself for whatever I would see when I stepped into the kitchen. Just why the hell was I so damn nervous? It was completely irrational, but even that knowledge wasn’t enough to appease the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I stepped into the warm light spilling from the room, and walked through the doorway. The innocuous scene in front of me only reinforced the feeling that I was being unnecessarily irrational.
Shannon’s mother sat hunched over an untouched cup of tea, her well-worn hands clutching the large, flowery cup as if it was a lifeline. I felt the sudden urge to clear my throat and rap my knuckles against the doorframe – as if I should announce my presence. There was no need.
Though I’d made no noise to signal my approach, as soon as I stepped into the doorway, Carol’s head shot up. She looked startled and slightly…guilty?

“Nicholas. Good morning. I wasn’t expecting you to be up this early.” I didn’t speak and she trailed off into silence, nervously fluffing her hair while surreptitiously shoving a wadded up tissue into her sleeve.
She still looked guilty, as if I’d caught her doing something she shouldn’t be doing. I saw nothing wrong with her taking some time to be by herself. Crap, now I felt guilty. I knew I should have stayed upstairs. I cleared my throat, and almost winced as the harsh sound seemed to echo. “Sorry” I said gruffly.
Why did I sound like I hadn’t used my voice in approximately two years? I felt my cheeks flare with heat and fervently hoped my embarrassment wasn’t as visible as I suspected. “I can…” I gestured back out into the hall as I fidgeted nervously.
Carol jumped out of her seat, looking flustered. “No, no. Come in. I’m guessing you’d like some tea? Or is that a stupid question?” She didn’t give me a chance to answer or even offer to do it myself. She just busied herself by putting on the kettle and pulling a cup from the dishwasher.

I quietly took a seat at the table, deciding it wise not to argue with her; even when she brought me cereal and popped some slices of homemade brown bread in the toaster. I knew from living with Shannon that saying anything at that moment was akin to smacking myself upside the head. It would probably cause less damage too.
I felt a rush of affection for Shannon and her mother as I poured myself a bowl of Muesli. They were more alike than they realised, and probably more than they’d ever admit either.
When the tea and toast were ready, Carol carted everything I could possibly need over to the table before taking her seat again. Once more, her hands gripped the mug in front of her tightly, though I was sure the tea couldn’t possibly be even remotely hot anymore. It was still untouched.
“Thank you” I told her gratefully.
She didn’t answer, just smiled at me fondly as I continued to shovel cereal into my mouth. My stomach had decided to inform me just how empty it really was.

The silence stretched between us, but it wasn’t awkward. Just the opposite actually.
“I wanted to thank you actually” she ventured. I stopped mid-chew and had to force myself to swallow the last of my cereal.
“For what?” I asked, genuinely curious as I pulled the plate of toast my way. If the unmarked jar was anything to go by, the jam I was spreading thickly over the perfectly crisped bread was homemade.
No wonder Shannon refused to be a normal college student and just live on noodles. It’s what Mark and I had done when we lived together last year. Living with Shannon was definitely a step up from that. Putting two eighteen year old guys fresh out of school and hyped up on their own freedom into an apartment didn’t equal to a healthy, or clean, living environment.
Yes, I definitely preferred living with Shannon. But that was probably more to do with the fact that I was hopelessly in love with her, than enjoying living in a clean apartment that didn’t smell of old food and even older socks.

My mouth twisted into a grimace and it was then that I realised that Carol was staring at me curiously. “I’m sorry, I-”
She chuckled and the sound was as rusty as my voice had been not too long ago. “I was just saying that I wanted to thank you for coming here at such…short notice. I don’t want you to miss your classes on our account.”
It was only after I snorted loudly, that I realised how disrespectful it would come across. I immediately felt my cheeks begin to flame again. “Sorry. I just meant that I probably wouldn’t be in class anyway. I hardly ever bother -”
I cut off the rest of my sentence under her disapproving, but completely motherly, glare. She looked as if she was gathering herself to lecture me, but seemed to stop herself by sheer force of will, a sheepish smile playing across her lips. The laughter in her eyes was fleeting, but it was there. Some things couldn’t be switched off, obviously.
“Well, I’m still grateful. It means a lot to me. To us.” Any hint of a smile was completely gone. It made me sad.
“It’s the least I can do” I told her softly, reaching out and placing my hand over hers.
She finally released her death grip on her cup, her skin cool to the touch. “You might think so, but not everybody would do the same in your position.”
“I’d do anything for Shannon” I told her sincerely, hating the heartbreak in her voice.
“I know” she whispered.

I couldn’t explain the emotion in the room, besides the fact that it was intense. I couldn’t escape the feeling of gratitude though. She was grateful that I was there for her daughter. She obviously believed me when I told her I’d do anything for Shannon. I almost squirmed in my seat as guilt welled up inside me. She had no idea how little I’d been there for her daughter lately, how much I’d hurt her. It made me feel like fraud to be sitting there with a heartbroken woman, accepting her gratitude for something I definitely didn’t deserve. I didn’t voice my thoughts though; it would just complicate an already complicated situation.
She squeezed my hand briefly before standing up and beginning to clear the table. It was on the tip of my tongue to offer to help, but from the rigid, hunched set of her shoulders as she stood at the sink, I knew she would decline. She didn’t want help. She needed something to do, something to occupy her thoughts – if only for a short while. I stood up and quietly slipped from the room without another word.

I met Shannon on the stairs. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she hadn’t slept. The hollows beneath her eyes had deepened and she looked completely worn out. I knew without a doubt that the too-large hoodie she was huddled in was Ryan’s.
Part of me was surprised she was up so early, but then, I’d been up even earlier, and I knew she hadn’t slept well.
“Morning” I smiled, somewhat weakly. I was a few steps below her, so for once I didn’t have to bend to look at her.
“I’m surprised you’re up” was all she said.
I shrugged, not wanting to tell her about my insomnia. “Do you want breakfast? Your mum-”
She shook her head almost adamantly. “No. I don’t want to see anyone.”
I could respect that – couldn’t I? I mentally shook myself. It wasn’t the time to be selfish. “Right, well I was just going to head upstairs.” I fought the urge to fidget, willing myself to stay still.
I’d always prided myself on my confidence, but with Shannon it all went out the window. Her lips twitched and I’d scarcely taken a step to the side to go around her, when she stopped me by pulling me into a hug. It shouldn’t surprise me…but it just felt like so long since I wasn’t the one actively instigating things. I gladly slid my arms around her waist though, pulling her close.
“You’re such an idiot” she whispered. “When I said I didn’t want to see anyone, you weren’t included.” She pressed a sweet kiss to my cheek and I smiled happily, holding her tightly.

I obviously couldn’t speak for the entire male population, but in my experience, when a guy fell for a girl, they’d fall hard; to the point where, if they saw her, they couldn’t help but go talk to her.
It’s like we’re drawn to them or something.
It was the girls who tended to complicate things by overthinking, overanalysing, and just basically overreacting – not to mention being so damn hard to figure out.
Things always seemed to get lost in translation, making such a basic thing as attraction more difficult than it ever had to be. Even with Shannon things had been far from easy. As far as I was concerned; I loved her, and she…well, she definitely had feelings for me, though I wasn’t sure how deep they ran. That was all that mattered.
All these thoughts raced across my mind almost instantly, and they just made me never want to let go.

“Do you want to come for a walk?” Shannon whispered; her face buried against my neck.
“Sure” I replied, reluctantly disengaging myself from her embrace. “Just let me get my shoes.” I took the stairs two at a time and was back by Shannon’s side in record timing; just as she was pulling open the front door.
She obviously didn’t want to take the shortcut through the kitchen and out the back door, choosing instead to skirt around the side of the house.
Within seconds we were covered in a fine mist of rain. The sky hadn’t lightened much since I rolled out of bed and I doubted the weather would pick up much at all over the course of the day.

I could guess where she was headed, but I kept my mouth shut and just followed along behind her. Sure enough, Shannon led me through the gate in the walled garden and out into the field. I lengthened my stride a little so we were walking abreast, blinking quickly to disperse the water droplets that were caught in my eyelashes.
Neither of us spoke as we drew closer to the small barn, the wood dark and weathered. It seemed to be sound though.
I stood back and let Shannon pull open the large sliding door just enough for us to slip inside. I shut it again while she felt for the light switch, illuminating the space with dim yellow light. It was warmer and quieter inside, and dust swirled through the air, tickling my nose every time I inhaled.

Again, I followed Shannon as she bypassed the stables and the small tack room, heading for the ladder that would lead up into the loft. I let her climb up a few rungs before warily stepping onto the wooden ladder, each rung creaking ominously when I put any weight on it.
The last time Shannon brought me here, she’d told me that the loft was one of Ryan’s favourite places to bring whatever girl he was going out with at the time. Of course, I’d been more focused on the way her nose had wrinkled adorably in disgust at the thought of whatever her brother might have gotten up to in here, than anything else. But that was just me.
This time, there wasn’t any animation in her expression at all – just sorrow.
There were only little scraps of hay scattered around, most of the floor swept clean except for the thick layer of dust coating everything. I had to duck my head so I didn’t end up with a bruised skull.
The smell was almost – sweet; the remnants of the bales that had once filled the space up to the roof. The scent was completely alien to me, having no real experience with barns and the country, but at the same time, it was utterly comforting.

On a cleared area of the floor were an old hurricane lamp and an even older, neatly folded navy blanket. Without a word, Shannon spread it out haphazardly and curled up in the centre, her hair fanning out behind her. I made sure not to lie on any of the beautiful golden brown strands as I wrapped myself around her quietly. I only became aware that she’d registered my presence when she reached out and intertwined our fingers.
“I can’t believe it’s tomorrow” she whispered.
I frowned, needing a moment to realise what she was referring to. The funeral, right. I didn’t say anything. She fell silent for another minute or two.
“I don’t want to go” she eventually spoke into the near complete silence – the faint sounds of the wind and rain picking up outside, our only company. I froze, waiting for her to continue.
“I don’t think I can stand to see him…to see the…” She stumbled over the word and in the dim light I could see the wetness glistening on her cheeks. She trailed off and I knew what she was unable to say.

She didn’t want to see the coffin and know it contained all that was left of her brother. She’d never again see him smile or hear his laughter. She’d never again roll her eyes at his protectiveness, while still secretly being glad of it; because it meant he cared. All she had, all she’d ever have were her memories. I knew that she, and everyone who had known Ryan, would cherish them, but it wasn’t enough – and it never would be.
I think I felt a little part of my heart break just then, because I knew she’d never be the same again. Some small part of her would always be missing and there was nothing that I, or anybody else, could ever do to help that. I understood why she couldn’t voice her thoughts. I was having trouble forcing words past the tightness in my own throat.
“I know” I soothed, resting my chin on her shoulder and trying to ignore the slight trembling wracking her small frame. “I know you don’t want to go, but someday you’ll regret it. You’ll regret not being able to…say goodbye.”

It hurt to say it and it dredged up memories of my mother that I didn’t want to think about. I’d never had the chance to say goodbye. There was never the possibility – however small – for me to gain closure. I knew how important that was, and I didn’t want to see Shannon struggle with the same issues I had to carry around like a heavy burden.
“I don’t want to say goodbye” she whispered tearfully.
“I know Sweetheart” I murmured. “But you have to. And you also have to be there for your parents, for Adrian. They need you.”
“And I need you.”
There was a note of desperation in her voice that I’d do anything to get rid of. “I’m not going anywhere, Sweetheart.”
“Promise?”
“I promise” I told her truthfully. I vowed to myself then, that I’d make sure she knew I meant every word.