Pray To The Killer Stars

“Blake, sweetheart, please wake up.” I felt long hair brushing against my cheeks and I was startled when a drop of something wet fell onto my forehead. I felt a hand wipe away that tear. Then the subtle brush of hair was gone and the silence was replaced with screaming, but my mind was too much in a daze that I couldn't recognize the voices at first.

“How could you be so irresponsible? I leave you two alone for a couple of hours and I come home to blood soaking through the carpets and my brother in the mess of it! He could have died, but I guess you didn't care enough to call for an ambulance.” There was deep angry breathing.

“Well, I called you, didn't I? And you work at this hospital.”

“You didn't even take the time to leave a proper voicemail. How could you be such...such a forgetful child!” My mind was going in and out of the conversation, but it was beginning to get a little clearer. I wanted to sit up in bed and see who were fighting. I had no idea where I even was at that moment and that alarmed me quite a bit.

“Oh, is that the worst you can come up with?”

“What, do you want me to start cussing like you and your friends? I am the older child and I set the example. I don't know who sets examples for you, but it doesn't seem to be me. I have to be the responsible one and the only one who seems to follow my example is Blake.”

I recognized my name the second time. My mind had finally seemed to find a decent way for me to stay awake.”

However, when I tried to sit up, it just didn't work. Nor did my voice when I tried to ask what was going on.

“I can't believe-” I heard the girl vent some more and her voice connected in my mind to be Hayley's.

“Wait, I think he's okay! Hayley, he's waking up, can't you see? Just stop yelling at me. It's not my fault that this happened.”

“It's all your fault, but I guess that makes it better that he's recovering.” I felt a hand brush against my cheek. “Blake, hun, please open your eyes.”

I tried to shake my head to say that I couldn't, but that didn't quite work. I finally forced my eyes open, though, after much work. Hayley was looking down at me with deep shadows under her eyes. She had obviously not gotten much sleep. It would have been a stupid question to ask why because I already knew. It was all my fault. I always get in the way of everything and she's always worrying about me. Hayley smiled gently when I opened my eyes and her eyes seemed to get just a bit lighter.

“Good morning, sunshine, the world says hello,” she joked.

I almost cracked up at her small attempt at cracking a joke, but my throat stopped me. My throat felt scratchy and I realized that I really needed water. I turned my head slightly to look for some and she seemed to understand because she got up with an Oh! to go retrieve a bottle sitting on the opposite side of the room. She ran it quickly back towards me.

“Here you go.” She propped my head up onto a pillow behind me and tilted the water into my mouth. I coughed once it went down my throat, but retrieved my voice, thought it was hoarse when I spoke to my sister.

“I'm sorry,” I told her quietly. I did feel bad. I care about her and I she was the only reason I hadn't tried earlier.

She just brushed back the hair in my face. “Just never scare me like that again.” Her voice was just as quiet.

“I promise.” I wasn't quite sure if I could keep that promise, though, not with how hard life has become.

“Good,” she nodded and exhaled a breath that made it obvious she had been holding her breath for a long time.

My voice got a little better as I was talking to her. “Can we go home now?” I had realized that we were talking in a cluttered little hospital room. I didn't quite like looking at my right arm to find a thousand little needles stuck into my veins. It made me a little dizzy. My sister was still in her nurse uniform so she must have been in her shift.

Hayley had followed my gaze and sighed. “No, not right now, but do you want me to take out a couple of those...?” I lost her when she started using medical terms to refer to different needles and tubes. Apparently, they had all kept me alive. I should be thankful for a whole bunch of freaky needles?

I was much too eager to nod my head. “Please, they're freaking me out!”

My sister laughed and leaned over. “Don't look. I'm going to pull out a few. This might hurt a little, but only for a second.”

I just nodded and flinched as she pulled the first out. I could feel her searching for which ones she was allowed to pull out. I got sort of used to the sting of each one, and after a while, I felt no need to get startled.

“There you go,” she sighed as she leaned back. Her eyes were shining as she looked down at me. “I swear, if you go and do something like that again, I will never forgive myself.”

I could tell that was honestly concerned about me. It was selfish of me, but it felt nice to have somebody so concerned and to feel loved. I felt like somebody actually cared for once. Hayley leaned down to hug me, but it was a bit too complicated since I just got tangled up in the tubes and wires.

“Uh, Hayley, I'm getting tangled in...I don't even know.”

She laughed and leaned back in her chair. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but I couldn't tell if they were happy or sad tears.

“Please don't cry.” My voice was strained as I stared sadly at her. I hadn't wanted it to make anybody so sad. I guess it had been more selfish than I had thought to think my death would have no toll on the ones that I love.

She wiped away the tears. “Sorry.” She looked down at the ground for a second. “Sorry,” she repeated, this time more quietly.

“Why would you be sorry?” I asked. “It's my fault. It's my fault that I was so scared that I could see no other way to get out of this mess I'm in. I'm so selfish.”

Her gaze came back up to meet mine. “Listen to me, hun. I know life can be scary, but that doesn't mean you have to turn to suicide. We'll get you through whatever mess you're in right now, okay?”

I nodded.

“Hey, on a happier note, somebody came to visit you while you were in that coma of yours.” Hayley's eyes were happier as she grinned, but I could still see the pain deep in those blue orbs.

“Who?” I was curious and I bet that it showed in my eyes that almost exactly matched hers, except mine kept a hint of brown. Our mom has light hazel eyes while my dad has bright blue eyes.

“Charlie. He was really worried about you. He came in the day after. He was complaining about how his mom wouldn't let him come that night because it was so late. You scared so many people, Blake.”

People would never have thought that I would ever do something like this, but they don't know that I wear my mask every day. Not even my brother knows what goes on in my mind, neither will he ever. None of my friends will ever know, I tried to tell myself, but later I realized that it wouldn't be so easy to keep the secrets to myself. There were too many secrets to keep my mouth shut tight. And suddenly, I had been put in a situation where I felt all the words leaving my mouth like a simple waterfall. I hadn't given them any thought as to where they were going to lead.