Pray To The Killer Stars

‘I didn’t want to. Why did I? Why am I regretting it? What is happening? Where am I? What am I doing? Why did I do this to myself? Who… am I? I don’t know this Stephanie. Who are you? It is his fault. I asked him to stay with me… Why? Does he regret it at least? Is he crying as I am? Drop the knife Steph.’

That was what was going through my mind before I blacked out. I didn’t mean to lose that much blood. I really didn’t, but next thing I knew I woke up looking up at my mom. She was crying. I closed my eyes, and pretended I had never seen that. Memories came flooding back into my mind from when I was a child… when he was still with us.

Dad can you hear me? Can you hear me in the middle of the night when I am crying? When I am screaming because of a nightmare of you. You are a monster. You almost killed me that day. I just wanted to save my mom from the beast. How can you blame me for that? You should thank me for saving the woman you fell for. I guess in your way you did, if you call almost choking me to death a thank you.

Mother cried and cried and you never stopped. You drunk shit bag. I hope jail is a real hell for you. You even did that to me. How. Could. You. I was only ten years old. You are the definition of a monster. You did that to a ten year old. I hate you.

When I woke up the second time I was alone in my room. I looked down at my arm. It had a cast on it and the blood was soaking through. Tears welled up in my eyes. I am just as much of a monster. It is all Blake’s fault. I drifted back to sleep only with no dream, only a memory.

‘Steph! I didn’t think you would be here. Look I am so sorry for yesterday. I have no clue what came over me!’ He hesitated. “I… I love you.” I looked at the boy I loved. I wanted to help him.

‘Blake, is everything okay at home?’ I asked as I looked into his magical orbs. They were somehow lighter than they usually were. It meant he was confused. Why wouldn’t he be? If he wasn’t he would not have done it. He looked at his hands. For some reason he poked his stomach.

‘None at all. Why?’ He looked up at me and stopped poking. ‘Do you know what I am doing? I bet you don’t it is okay if you don’t. Only one person does.’ He looked at his arm. Forgetting I was there for a second. ‘Do you know what my favorite place to go to relax is?’

‘Enough. What is with all the weird questions? I wouldn’t know you never told me.’ He was still fixed on his arm. I rolled my eyes. ‘There are some problems at home aren’t there? It is okay! I won’t tell. I can get you out of there. Come with me when you get out of here.’ He looked up at me.

‘I am out in two days and at that time I am going home. I am not going with you.’ I stepped back. I was shocked. His voice was crisp and had no care to it at all. It was as if what he had just said was nothing rude. ‘Sorry. I really do not want to live with you.’

‘What is up with you these days?! One second you say you love me the next you say you don’t want to live with me? You could at least say it nicely! I am your girlfriend!’ I looked down. My anger was boiling over. My hands were in tight fists and I was super tense.

When I looked up I expected to see his caring eyes look at me and for him to say sorry. That was not the case. His eyes were stone cold and staring right at me. I flinched. I didn’t know that Blake. I knew kind lovable Blake. My boyfriend, Blake.

‘Are you just going to sit there? Let me walk away?’ I asked my temper flaring once more. I just wanted to help and he denied me even that.

‘I am. I can’t say anything to you now. You have already made up your mind.’ His voice made no kind chord. He looked out his window again, almost as if this had never happened. I started to cry.

‘Who are you? I don’t know anymore. It is as if as soon as you got in here you changed. I don’t love this Blake. I want my Blake. Tell me please, where is he?’ He stopped looking out the window and gazed into my eyes.

‘He left a long time ago Steph.’ Tears rolled faster down my cheeks, and made them red. I walked up to him, kissed him on the forehead and smiled as I walked to the door.

‘Goodbye Blake. Next time you see me I won’t be your girlfriend. That Stephanie left with my Blake.’ With that I walked out the door. I never looked back. It was the worst decision of my life I thought, but is it that bad. He didn’t love me.

I woke up to the smell of smoke. There is a time before you are truly awake that you can not process what is happening around you. I was in that state. I hadn’t opened my eyes at that moment. All I could think of was that my mom had messed up bacon.

When I finally did open my eyes I wished I had slept through it. All around me were flames. The orange and red danced together in harmony. They crackled and spit making each other angry. The anger built up and the heat rose. I wanted to scream, but my lungs gave out from taking too much of the smoke in as I had slept.

With the strength I had left I pushed myself up with my workable arm. It was tough, but fear gave me a strong enough push to sit up. My skin was hot and boiling, but I mustered up the courage to get into a crawling position. I coughed as I tried to find my way through the dark, dusty smoke. My eyes swelled up and had tears in them as I felt my way to the door.

The handle was right in front of me. A whooping cough attack hit and I felt very weak. My arm had almost given out. It shook furiously trying to keep me upright. When I finally gathered my strength I reached for the knob. Bad idea. My hand was burned by the metal and I cried in pain. With all my might I tried to call for help, but my voice wouldn’t carry.

Looking for a plan b, I crawled towards my window. From the door, it was easy to find. I grabbed the handle and pushed with all my might. It budged… about an inch. I started crying once more. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it. ‘No, no, no Stephanie. You will live through this.’ I said to myself. Once more I pushed the window open. It finally gave.

I threw my upper body out the window. I got the first fresh air I had for a while. It felt like heaven at that moment, or the greatest thing in the world. My skin was slightly burnt and boiling hot. I knew I had to get out of there before I died. I positioned myself to jump out the second story window. My orbs were still filled to the brim in tears.

For a second I stopped. ‘What do I have to live for?’ I asked myself. With a moments thought I finally came across an answer. I jumped. No one was around to see me. It was late at night judging by the sky. I bled on the pavement waiting for someone to save me. They will come. Please come.

With that I blacked out, but the only thing that came to me in that time was images of Blake. Not the Blake in the hospital. Memories of my Blake came to me. The one I loved for so long. The one I still did, but he left along with my hopes.

What do I have to live for I wonder? That was my reason to save myself.