Pray To The Killer Stars

I tried to talk Stephanie out of breaking up with Blake. After all, they had always been the perfect couple for the seven months they had been together. It's rare to find couples who have been around that long. But she has a mind of her own, and there's no way to get her to change that ignorant mind of hers. Perhaps that is why they had both been so content together. They both could keep their mind set on one object and never sway. There was no way to make them go down a different path. That's why I'm always anxious that they will make a wrong decision someplace and end up somewhere where nothing can be fixed. It would be the end for either of them.

“Charles, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked as I walked over to the table that we all sit at (or sat at) together. He looked up with food stuffed into his cheeks. Sometimes he reminds me of some little animal with his big, innocent eyes. Just that way that he stares at anybody...it could make anybody fall under his spell.

“Yeah.” He scooted over on the seat so that I would have a place to sit. I took the seat, throwing my bagged lunch onto the table in front of me. I turned to face him and tried to look him straight in the eyes, but he turned his head so that he was facing a tree. I followed his gaze, but there was nothing special about this Oak. It was just like any other tree, green leaves and brown branches swaying in the slight breeze. “What about?”

“Blake and Steph.” I dug through my lunch, momentarily forgetting about eye contact and how it supposedly encourages people to say what's on their mind.

“W-What about Blake and Steph?” I could make out hesitation in his small voice. His voice is just another characteristic that reminds me of a small animal. It's usually so soft, like a fragile bunny. He looks so frail with his small waist and slim hip bones.

“Don't you think it's a little weird that they broke up so suddenly? I know that I wasn't expecting it. Blake's usually so considerate. He never says anything that could offend somebody else. I don't know what's up with him. Do you? You saw him in the hospital. Was he in a bad mood or something? Was he mean to you?” He already worries me and this was no exception. Sometimes I feel like a mother to him. He acts like such a child.

“No, he was in a really good mood.” And he stopped there. I raised an eyebrow as I studied him. He didn't look up, neither did he try to make eye contact. It made me suspicious. Usually he looked up at least once. I tried to keep staring at me. Maybe it would make him look up or somehow react.

I only caught him twitch once, a twitch that was hard to catch, but I could catch it because of my expertise. I can make anybody twitch with a gaze like mine. “Are you sure you don't have anything to add?”

“What would there be to add?” He finally met my gaze, but his face and eyes were almost blank. His face was expressionless and he probably was planning to keep it that way. “Just ask him if you want to know. He's getting out in a couple of days.”

“Because of the Girls Code of Friendship.” I involuntarily help two fingers together up in the air as if I were making a vow. He just gave me an incredulous look like he had no idea what I was talking about, which was no surprise considering that he's just a boy.

“What is that, and what does it have to do with the situation?”

“It means that I can't talk to Blake because he broke up with one of my best friends.” I gave him a sturdy gaze with my honey-colored orbs and raised a lingering eyebrow. I hoped that he would get the message that he shouldn't talk to Blake, either, for the same reason. I wasn't going to force him to stay away from his best friend, though. I felt like telling him to either ignore Blake or talking some sense into the kid.

“That's stupid,” he said stubbornly and slung his legs onto the bench next to us so that he was stretched out on the seats and comfortable. It was a little hard to be comfortable in the icey air around us.

“Why would you say that?”

“Because it will only make everything more awkward.” He wasn't meeting my gaze anymore. “Nobody's going to be talking to each other anymore.”

“I know.” It went silent after those two simple words as we stared at random spots on the ground. I kept my gaze on a broken branch in the dirt. It was almost broken in half and I picked it up to finish the job. I began to lightly yank and I smiled when it broke in half just because it felt like something was sure for once. This branch is broken and there's no question about it. We're not sure what's wrong with Blake or if he'll be okay, but I know that this branch is broken in half. I stared at it was logical eyes, trying to make out some sort of secret. There are so many secrets hidden in the dark. So many secrets that nobody wants me to know. Nobody tells me anything anymore. It's almost as if I am invisible. I used to seem invincible. Now it's completely opposite.

Steph had hardly even told me anything about the break-up. She had just told me that one simple sentence with tears hardly spilling out of her eyes. Her lip had trembled lightly, but she's not the type of person to start sobbing. If anything, she's a tomboy. She plays football with all the guys on the field behind the English building at lunch period and after school.

“Blake broke up with me.”

“When?”

“Yesterday.

Of course, I didn't know the real story at that time. I didn't know who the bad-guy is.

**

It's hard to fall asleep when your mind is whirling with thoughts. I couldn't believe what I had been through the past couple of days. It's not like my house had burned down like Steph's, but it's also not like my life was perfect. My life has never been perfect, not with the constant fighting at home. There's only one way to get away from the pain. Some people may think that it causes more pain, but it brings relief to me. Perhaps it has only been me who feels that way. I have always known that I think differently and that I'm different. All of my friends are different. We stand out of the crowd, but everybody ignores us because they don't want anything to do with us. I know what they say about me, though.

She belongs in one of those places for psychopaths.

She's a whore.

Have you seen the way that she dresses? It's like she doesn't care what people think of her.

They're right, I don't care what they think of me, but that doesn't make me a whore. I've never even had sex before. I've only had one boyfriend who broke up with me within a day. How would that make me a whore? There aren't even any real whores at our school. Maybe that's why they put the label on me. They needed a scapegoat, somebody to blame for everything bad that happens at our school. I don't know if it's even because I'm bipolar or not, but they think I'm a horrible person. I can't stay friends with one person for more than a year. Sometimes I wish that I could be like Charles. Everybody accepts him. He's so quiet that there are no rumors being spread. But I can't keep my stupid mouth shut.

Hot tears rolled down my cheeks, but I quickly brushed them away. I wouldn't want anybody to see my weakness. I don't want anybody to know that I have a weakness, that anybody can ever take advantage of me. That's the difference of me and a whore. I would never let anybody take advantage of me. I would smack them in the face and teach them a lesson before they could touch me.

Thinking about teaching somebody a lesson, there was a good chance that I would deck Blake in the face the first time I saw him after the hospital. No way can a guy break up with my best friend and expect to leave unharmed. He would have a black-eye within the first minute.

You know, maybe a bully would be a better choice of wording. I think I should take kung fu. I would be like the girl version of the Karate Kid.

But that's off topic and unnatural for me. I can usually only keep my mind on one thing. My mind will only absorb so much, but one sentence can repeat itself a thousand times in my mind, going around and around like a tape-recording-gone-wrong.

I can't tell my family, though. I can't seem to tell them anything. I'm afraid of what they would say. I wouldn't let them know of the fights that I have gotten into. I know how to forge my mother's signature and that is what I have gotten away with most of the time. Everything has to be kept a secret, even though it makes my heart ache. I wish that I could have a normal family, one of those families like the ones on television. They all feel safe talking to one another. I'm anxious that my mom will call a counselor and force me to go once a week. I have been there and done that. No way will I go back to that. I can't even put my mind around how upsetting that would be. And my parents would only argue more.

Thoughts were still spinning when my eyes finally began to droop. Just like all of the other nights that Blake had been in the hospital, I didn't sleep peacefully. I tossed and turned in nightmares. Monsters surrounded me in dark corners of attics.