The Man Who Can't Be Moved

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I hiss into the phone, shuffling across the basement floor on my knees until I reach the couch. “Are you insane? What is your major malfunction? Are you drunk? High? Concussed? What..?”

“I need to talk to you,” there’s an almost pleading, desperate quality to Sid’s voice. He knows he’s in the wrong and that he’s treading precariously on dangerously thin ice; I won’t hesitate when it comes to hanging up on him if it means keeping the peace in my marriage.

Max has to come before anything -and everyone- else in my life; I have to put his feelings and his wishes first and foremost and if talking to Sid and associating with him is going to keep causing issues, I’ll have no choice but to cut off all contact before it even manages to get off the ground. I can’t take the chance that even the briefest and politest of conversations with my ex will be misconstrued and ultimately fuck up my entire personal life. At the same time, there are things that we need to talk about and lingering feelings and resentment we need to get a grip on. Not to mention that Sid calling unexpectantly isn’t my fault. I understand that Max is pissed off about it -and really, he has every right to be- and that he does harbour some insane jealousy when it comes to my ex, but does he really need to be such an ass about it? Does he honestly need to throw a hissy fit and stomp around upstairs like he’s about to tear the entire house apart?

“It’s almost quarter to two in the morning,” I inform Sid, as I lay my free hand on the coffee table in order to push myself up onto my feet and then plop down onto the couch. “What in the hell could possibly be so important that…?”

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out before I have a chance to continue. “I’m sorry that Autumn called you. She never should have done that and she never should have gotten up in your face and she never….”

“She was upset,” I reason with a shrug, and laying my elbow on the arm of the sofa, place my palm against my forehead. The mere mention of his new girlfriend mixed in with both the bat-shit insanity she’d inflicted on my life earlier in the day and Max’s behaviour -I can not only hear him slamming kitchen cupboards closed and barking orders (in a mixture of French and English) at the dogs, but his feet pounding over head as he goes on a rampage- is already bringing on one hell of a migraine. I don’t want to be defending her; I should be freaking out and hauling ass down to her office in the morning and tearing her another asshole. But in the best interest of my marriage, it’s best that I just leave both Autumn and Sid well enough alone and pretend that she doesn’t bother me.

And she doesn’t. It’s not that I care that he’s with someone else. I’m just surprised that he’s with someone like her. Older, widowed, a ready made family just waiting for him. That just doesn’t seem like Sid at all.

“Doesn’t mean she had to call you,” he says. “I don’t even know why she would. I don’t know why she felt the need to clear things up with you when she could have just waited for me to…”

“Well in her defence, she’d told me that you’d been avoiding her for the better part of the late morning and early afternoon. And the reporters did take her by surprise; I’m sure it freaked the shit out of her when they started talking about us living together and losing the baby and me dumping you for your former best friend. I can see how that all could really set her off. And then mix in the fact that you were suddenly MIA…”

“I was avoiding confrontation,” he readily admits. “You know what I’m like Em. You know I don’t like getting into arguments and shit like that. That I need time to think about what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it and that…”

“You worry too much about that kind of crap,” I inform him. “You worry too much about handling a situation perfectly instead of just getting down to business and taking care of things. Why did you really need hours to figure all of that out? This is your personal life; not a post game press conference. Why does everything have to be so neat and tidy and politically correct? You need to…I don’t know…you just need to react to things. Not sit back and figure out how to react.”

“I didn’t call you to have you lecture me about how to handle things in my personal life,” he crumbles. “It’s a little hard to take criticism and advice from someone who messed around with my ex best friend and than runs off and marries him a couple months later.”

“Oh that’s rich, Sidney…” I give a derisive snort and roll my eyes. “…only you could apologize and start shit with someone in less than thirty seconds.”

“I wasn’t calling to start shit. Like I said, I was calling to apologize ‘cause of what Autumn did and then you turn around and start this self righteous, holier than thou crap. Who the fuck are you to tell me how I should deal with my life? Especially when you’re the one responsible for making such a mess of it in the first place?”

“Ever the victim,” I snidely remark. “I thought you would have given up your little ‘woe is me, pity party’ crap the second you meet little miss Mary Sunshine. I know what I did do you was really shitty and that I should have handled things a little better and that…”

“A little?” he scoffs. “A little?”

“A lot better…” I irritably correct. “…and that I should have given you the common courtesy of telling you myself that Max and I were getting married, but…”

“I honestly don’t give a fuck what you and Max do,” he snaps. “Do you really think I give a crap what the hell you and your husband are up to? I’ve got my own life now, Em. So you need to just…”

“I wasn’t the one that phoned you at one thirty in the morning,” I point out. “I wasn’t the one that opened up a whole can of fucking worms by calling another man’s wife. Do you have any idea the drama you’ve caused? Do you have any idea what’s going to go down because of you? You don’t have a right to call me like this. You lost that right a long time ago and…”

“I didn’t lose that right. Someone took it away from me,” Sid angrily corrects. “And if Max is that fucking immature and self conscious about me calling you, than maybe he doesn’t trust you as much as he says he does. Maybe your marriage isn’t that great if he thinks I’m a threat. He needs to just shut the fuck up about what goes down between me and you and grow up. None of this is his business and…”

“This is his business!” I argue. “I’m his wife. That makes whatever happens between me and you his business. And maybe he is a little self conscious and maybe he does view you as a bit of a threat, but…”

“He wouldn’t be that way if you didn’t give him a reason to be. If you were as over things as you let on you are, he wouldn’t have his fucking nuts in a twist over me. Why don’t you just start being honest with yourself, Emma-Leigh? Why don’t you just ‘fess up that you made a huge mistake with your life. You never should have married Max. You did it because you felt you owed him something. You did it because…”

“I did it because I love him!” I spit. “I did it because I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have a family with him and grow old and grey with him! The only mistake I made was not handling things better with us. I would have chosen Max regardless so you need to just…”

“Bull-fucking-shit. You didn’t marry him out of choice. You married him because it was a lack of options.”

“And what do you call hooking up with Summer? Or Winter? Or whatever the fuck her name is? What do you call settling for some bitch that’s been married once before and has a kid that she’s just waiting for you to start providing for? She’s suckering you right in. Guess she recognize a chump when she sees one, huh? Don’t you realize that she’s just using you? What would a thirty year old want with a guy who’s barely out of his twenty? You honestly think she’s into you for the right reasons? You honestly think that…?”

“Her name is Autumn,” Sid informs me. “And she’s only twenty six. And she doesn’t expect me to take care of her or her kid. You don’t know her. You don’t have the right to…”

“She doesn’t know me either!” I fight back. “She knows nothing about me and she knows nothing about what went down between me and you. And honestly, what happened with the baby and what happened with us is none of her goddamn business. It all went down before she ever came into the picture so she needs to step the fuck off and get her nose out of my shit. So why don’t you tell your girlfriend to keep her fucking trap shut. And while you’re at it, grow some fucking balls and handle your shit on your own!”

“Why does everything always have to be a big old thing with you?” he sighs in exasperation. “Why does something as simple and innocent as a phone call to apologize have to turn into this? Why do you always feel the need to attack people? Why do you….?”

“Why are you having such a hard time leaving me alone?” I interrupt. “Why are you having all these issues just letting me go on with my life? I’m sorry I hurt you, Sidney. I’m sorry I slept with Max behind your back and I’m sorry that I fell in love with him. And I’m sorry that I lost the baby and ruined your life. But I can’t change what happened! I can’t…”

“If you think I called ‘cause I’m still in love with you, you’re fucking delusional,” he mumbles.

“See what you’re doing?! Do you see how you’re totally tuning out what I’m saying? I’m trying to reach out and make amends with you! I’m trying to apologize and to make things better between us and you just totally ignore everything I’m saying! That’s what was wrong with us! That’s what destroyed us! You could never just listen to me and you could never just…”

“And I suppose Max is just Mister fucking Perfect,” Sid retorts.

“This isn’t about Max!” I cry, and bang the back of my head against the rear of the sofa and slam my fist down on the cushion in frustration. “This has nothing to do with him! I’m talking about me and you, Sidney. I’m talking about trying to find some kind of peace between us. Because I want that. I want you and me to get to a point where we can at least be friends again.”

“I never stopped being your friend,” he says. “I never once wanted to be out of your life completely. I never wanted that, Emma-Leigh. And I tried to get a hold of you in Montreal and I went to the rehab place to try and see you and I…”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” I warn. “Don’t you bullshit me just because you want to look like some kind of angel in my eyes. Don’t you…”

“I went there and they told me I couldn’t see you. I saw my name on the list.”

“The list?” I frown. “What list? What…?”

“The list of people that weren’t allowed to see you. I saw my name, Em. I saw it with my own two eyes. And I don’t know who wrote it there and I don’t know if you told people that you didn’t want to see me, but I’m not bullshitting you. I went there and I wasn’t allowed to talk to you. Did you really think I wouldn’t want to see you? That I wouldn’t want to talk to you and try and fix things? That…?”

“It was beyond fixing. Nothing was ever going to fix what happened. And I don’t even know if I wanted to fix it, you know? I fell in love with someone else, Sid. I don’t know how it happened or when it happened, I just know it did. And I know it must hurt to hear that but…”

“Are you still in love with me?” he inquires. “Is there still something there? Do you still feel anything? Because I felt it, Em. I felt something the other night at Flower’s place. There was something still hanging around and…”

“A part of me will always love you,” I boldly admit, and then take a deep breath and release it slowly before continuing. “But I’m not in love with you. In the same way that you’re not in love with me anymore.”

He clears his throat noisily and then lapses into a period of long, almost awkward silence. He doesn’t really need to say anything; his inability to respond or to even deny what I’ve just said tells me that I’m entirely off base when it comes to diagnose what he’s feeling or thinking. And it always tells me that I’m in way over my head; I’m knee deep in the middle of one big old fucking mess. I’m almost afraid to ask the question that’s on the tip of my tongue; I’m near terrified to hear what he’s going to say.

“Are you?” I ask, my voice just shy of a whisper. “Are you still in love with me?”

“What good does it do me to answer that? If I say no than it I just keep falling into the same trap of constantly trying to fool myself that I’m not feeling things for you. If I say yes and Max finds out…”

“Max isn’t going to find out,” I assure him. “This is between me and you. Nothing that’s being said is going to get back to anyone. Not Max, not Autumn, not anyone. I totally get that you felt the need to apologize for your girlfriend and I appreciate it, Sid. I really do. But you called my house at one thirty in the morning and you started a huge thing between me and my husband and I think you owe me some kind of answer. I think you owe to me and you to…”

“I still love you,” he bravely admits. “I still love you and I know I shouldn’t. I know I should hate you for what you did to me and that I have every right to never forgive you. But I can’t, Emma-Leigh. I can’t hate you. You were my everything; you were my entire world. We were going to get married, we were going to have a baby. And I don’t know how everything went bad so quick. I don’t know how…”

“We just didn’t work,” I feebly explain. “Things never would have worked out between us, Sid. I wanted way more than you could give me. I needed someone that needed me. I needed someone that could love me as is. I know that you tried and I know that you were under huge pressure to be with someone that’s perfect and someone that wouldn’t tarnish your reputation. And I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want to be the person that ruined you. You’re too good of a person to be with someone like me.”

“So what does that make Max?” he challenges. “What…?”

“Max loves this version of me. He accepts me the way I am. He doesn’t expect me to turn myself into something and someone I’m not. And I’m not saying you did that. I’m not saying that you wanted perfection. I’m just saying that…”

“No one is perfect,” he reminds me.

“But you need someone that is perfect for you,” I argue. “And I’m not it. I’m not what you need. At all. And the sooner you realize that…”

“None of this makes sense,” he sighs heavily. “None of it makes any fucking sense.”

“Sometimes people can love each other but not like each other.” I say. “Sometimes they can love one another but they just can’t be together. And that’s what happened with us. There was so much going on and we didn’t know how to deal with it all and we started hating each other. We didn’t mean for it to happen. It just…it just did.”

“So you just run off and marry someone else? Instead of trying to fix things you just decide to marry another guy? You just upped and slept with my best friend behind my back? Of all people why did it have to be Max? Why couldn’t you just have found some complete stranger to fool around with? If you needed to get shit out of your system, why didn’t you…?”

“I fell in love with Max,” I stress. “I don’t have any other explanation. I don’t…”

“You fucking broke my heart, Emma-Leigh. You fucking tore it out of my chest and stomped all over it,” Sid informs me. “You fucking destroyed me. And for what? Why did you do it? Things could have been fixed. We could have worked shit out. And if you’re still in love with me…”

“I never said that. What I said was…”

“You created this fucking mess,” he continues. “You and only you. You had choices; other options. You didn’t need to fuck Max and you definitely didn’t need to run away to Montreal and then marry him. We could have worked things out. When people love each other they find a way. And we could have found a way.”

“No…” I shake my head adamantly and use the back of my hand to frantically brush tears off of my cheeks. I hadn’t even realized until now that I was crying; I hadn’t even been aware of the dull, throbbing pain sitting squarely in my chest. “…we couldn’t have. There was no way of fixing it. I was in love with someone else. I married another man. And I love him and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him and you need to just…well you need to just leave me alone. You need to let me go. It’s time to let me go. In the same way I need to let you go.”

“We need to talk about this,” he insists. “When I get back to Pitt we need to…”

“Please…” I manage through both a flood of tears and a lump of emotion constricting my airway. “Please just let this go. I need you to let this go.”

“I can’t,” he informs me. “I can’t let it go. I can’t let you go.”

“You have to,” I order. “You have to just…”

“We’ll talk about this when I get back to Pitt. I’m taking the first flight home tomorrow morning and…”

“…and I don’t want you coming here. I don’t want you coming anywhere near me or calling me or…I have to let you go, I’m sorry…”

“Emma-Leigh, don’t do this. Don’t…”

“Goodbye, Sidney,” I whisper, and then abruptly disconnect the call.