The Man Who Can't Be Moved

“What in the hell were you thinking?” Em whispers, as she slides the glass patio door closed, effectively sealing us inside of the kitchen and closing us off from the hustle and bustle on the back deck.

I’d known I was in serious shit the second that I’d caught sight of Sid and his new girlfriend mounting the steps; I’d invited them as simple friendly gesture; he’s my team captain and my former best friend and I hadn’t wanted to make him feel even more slighted when the other guys began yapping about the get together at my place for Em’s birthday. I guess in a way I’d also asked him if he’d like to come as sort of an attempt at extending the olive branch even further; creating a little harmony between my wife and Autumn who will have to somehow co-exist serving on the Wives and Girlfriends Association.

“Are you for real?” she inquires, her face flushed as she gestures wildly out towards where Sid is introducing Autumn to my parents. I have to admit; I find it amusing that she‘s so flustered about her ex‘s unexpected arrival. Although if I hadn‘t already had a few beers in me, I‘m sure I‘d be taking her behaviour entirely out of context. “What is your malfunction? You actually invited my ex fiancé and his new girlfriend to my birthday party? What in the holy hell is wrong with you? Why would you…?”

“Ex fiancé?” I arch a quizzical eyebrow as I hop up onto the island and perch myself on the edge of the counter. “I never realized things were ever that…official.”

“It was official in word only,” she irritably informs me. “He asked and I said yes. And he did give me a ring.”

“Oh yeah…the rock that he gave you at the airport in Halifax but you never actually put on your finger. Is that the one? The massive fucking chunk of ice that you had stowed in your sweater pocket at my place? If it was official how come you weren’t wearing it? How come you were hiding it away?”

“I wasn’t hiding it. He told me not to open it until I got to Pittsburgh and…”

“Come on, Emmy-Lou. You’re not stupid; you must have known what was in it. What woman can resist diamonds? If he’d already asked you to marry him and you said yes, how come you weren’t wearing the ring? How come you were carting it around like it didn’t mean anything? How come you if things were so official between you guys you willingly came to my apartment and hid the damn thing from me?”

“I never hid anything from you. And I came to your apartment because I didn’t want to go back to Mario’s. Don’t act like there was ever anything intentionally scandalous going through my mind. You picked me up at the airport and you agreed to let me stay at your place because…”

“You were the one that fucking kissed me, remember? You were the one that practically jumped me at the side of my car. And you were the one that kept coming on to me at my place while I was turning you down. You never had anything intentionally scandalous going through your mind?” I give a derisive snort. “What a fucking crock of shit. You came to my place ‘cause you wanted something to happen between us. You’d been wanting it to happen for weeks and…”

“I was confused and depressed,” she interjects. “I was going through some pretty major shit and you were there! You were the only one who gave a shit and…”

“And what? And you felt obligated to fuck me? You felt obligated to put out? And then marry me three months later? Nice, Emma-Leigh. Nice to finally hear the whole truth and nothing but. That makes me feel really fucking great. Thanks for that.”

“You know that’s not what happened!” she hisses. “You know that I’m not with you out of some sense of obligation! You know that I love you more than life itself! So don’t you dare try and turn this around and make me look like the bad person, Max! I willingly slept with you that night and I willingly gave him…” she jerks her thumb over her shoulder. “…up to be with you! I knew what I was doing! I was with you then because I wanted to be! In the same way I’m with you now! You don’t see me throwing your motives and your ‘scandalous thoughts’ from five months ago up in your face! And don’t…” she holds her hand up when I attempt to speak. “…don’t you even fucking try to tell me that you didn’t come and get me at the airport for purely selfish reasons. Don’t you even dare try and lie and say that you didn’t sense an opportunity to fuck Sid over. You knew exactly what you were doing and it had nothing to do with what was in my best interest and everything thing to do with yours. He had something you wanted and you saw a chance to take it from him.”

“You were ready, willing and able,” I remind her. “Don’t act like I had to force you into it. You wanted a fucking escape and I gave it to you.”

“I wanted to be with you because I was in love with you, you dumb shit!” she bellows, as she stands in between my legs and fists my t-shirt in her hands and vigorously shakes me. “Because I was in love with you and I thought you were in love with me! Because you made me feel different than he did! Because you accepted me for who I was and you didn’t expect me to be perfect! Don’t pull this goddamn shit, Max! You’re the one that did something wrong and you’re only trying to take the heat off yourself by causing problems between us. It’s your typical M.O. You fuck up and try to twist things around so I come off as the raging bitch.”

“What is the big deal, Em? Why are you going all fucking bipolar over this?” I wince at my major slip of the tongue; I certainly never meant to throw her ongoing battle with her illness in her face or even insinuate that she was having an ‘episode’. And I notice the way her eyes narrow, her face turns a brilliant shade of red and her knuckles turn white from gripping my shirt so tightly and I immediately launch into damage control; curling my legs around her waist and locking my ankles the small of her back to prevent her from stomping away.

“You…are…a…fucking…prick…” she hisses. “I can’t believe you’d say that! I can’t believe you’d…”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean it as a cheap shot against you being sick. I’m not like that, Emmy-Lou. I’m not a mean person. You know that. You know me.”

“You’re not an intentionally mean person,” she corrects. “But you say nasty, hurtful shit when you’re either drinking or you’re pissed off. And right now it’s a little bit of both. So maybe you should just leave me alone. Maybe you should stay out of my personal space and I’ll stay out of your.”

“Personal space?” I can’t help but laugh at the sheer absurdity -and immaturity- of that statement. “We’re fucking married. There’s no such thing as personal space. I’m not Sid, Em. I don’t tuck my tail between my legs and cower in a corner when you get like this. I don’t fucking buckle to your threats or your temper tantrums. You can’t control me like you controlled him. You’re a married woman now. You’re my wife. And if you’re old enough to get hitched and pop out babies, I think it’s time you start acting like a grown up, don’t you? Stop being this whiney little spoiled brat that freaks out when she doesn’t get her way. I fight back, remember? I don’t just let you walk all over me like he did.”

“You invited my ex to my birthday party!” she spits. “You invited him and his new girlfriend without even talking to me about it!”

“Why are you so upset about this? Why are you getting your panties in a twist over Sid and Autumn being here? He was my friend long before you came along, remember? You’re the reason he isn’t my friend anymore. You were the one that wanted me to make amends; you asked me to try and patch things up so that there wouldn’t be all this drama and tension hanging over our heads all the time. And you also told me after you and him had that talk when you told him about the babies that shit was okay between you two. You told me that…”

“It doesn’t mean that you invite him over to our house! To my birthday party! It doesn’t mean that it’s okay that he brings his new girlfriend here!”

“So that’s what this is really about,” I nod slowly as the full picture finally comes into focus. “You’re not upset that Sid is here. You’re upset that Autumn is here.”

“Don‘t you even wander down this path,” she warns. “Don‘t you even dare…”

“It doesn’t bother you that Sid came. It just bothers you that he brought her with him. You’re just all out of fucking sorts because he isn’t hung up on you anymore. Because he’s moved on with his life and you wanted him to be eternally devoted to you even though you’re married to someone else. That’s what’s bothering you. The fact he isn’t in love with you anymore.”

“You are really fucking reaching, you know that? You had no right asking them to come here and now you’re trying to make it seem as if I’m the one in the wrong. You always do that. Every time I bust you about something you try and turn shit around so it looks like you’re the innocent victim and I’m the crazy bitch.”

“I don’t do that,” I argue. “I’ve never done that. Ever.”

“What about Noot, Max?” my wife challenges. “What about finding her on my fucking doorstep? What about coming home and finding her at our house? You go on and on about me being your wife like you have some sort of entitlement and ownership over me. Well you’re my husband! You’re my husband and she’s your ex and I found her at our house!”

“I was completely innocent in that! It was your ex whatever the hell he is that did that! He was the one that sent her that goddamn text message pretending it was me! I had nothing to do with that!”

“Why didn’t you just tell me that she’d been trying to get a hold of? Why didn’t you just come clean when I got back to Pittsburgh that Noot had been trying for months to hook up with you? Why’d you wait until Sid did what he did before you came clean about the hundreds upon hundreds of emails and text messages and voice mails she left you!”

“I didn’t want to upset you! You were already going through enough shit! You were sick, Emma-Leigh! I didn’t tell you ‘cause I wanted to protect you! I didn’t hide it from you because I was up to no good! Everything I’ve done and ever decision I’ve fucking made over the last five months has been for you! My whole world revolves around you! And now those babies! So it wasn’t the best judgement on my part and I should have told you about her. But I did it for you! For us! Did I do anything wrong? Did I answer her back? Did I ever once correspond with her? Cheat on you with her?”

“No…” she admits, looking and sounding both defeated and remorseful. “I’m sorry, Max…” she reaches up to lay her hands on the sides of my face. “…I never meant to insinuate that…”

“Don’t always fucking question why I do things!” I grab a hold of her wrists in order to prevent her from touching me. “Just because they sometimes don’t make sense to you doesn’t mean they don’t make total sense to me! Everything I do is for you. So don’t even fucking tell me that I don’t have your best interests at heart or that I do things for purely selfish reasons. And as far as Sid and Autumn go? I invited them to be nice. To try to make things right between everyone. Because you and her are going to have to be friends and…”

“I don’t have to be friends with anyone,” Em argues. “Especially her! After what she did? After she called her and threw a total bitch fit? You really think I want to be her friend?”

“You’re going to have to be civil with her. You’re both in the WAG’s association, aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re going to have to peacefully co-exist? She shouldn’t have called here and I totally had your back when it came to that. But why can’t you be the bigger person? Instead of proving that you’re the immature little brat she says you are, why don’t you just pull up your big girl pants and show her that you’ve moved past all that shit? I’m not asking for a miracle here, babe. I’m not saying you have to be her best friend or go to her place to hang out or anything like that. Just be civil. Keep the peace. After all the other drama that went down with the team, can’t you just do that?”

“What if she doesn’t want to? What if…?”

“You be the bigger person, Em. You just smile and think happy thoughts and ignore her shit. Can’t you just do this one thing for me? I don’t ask a lot of you, do I? I’m not what you would consider demanding, right?”

“Well I don’t know about that…” a smile finally tugs at the corners of her mouth and her hands loosen their hold on my shirt and then slide up my chest, across my shoulders and then down onto my biceps. “…you can be pretty damn demanding when it comes to certain things.”

“I’m just tired of all the fucking drama, Em. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I know that we’re to blame for it, but…”

“I promise that I’ll be nice,” she says. “I promise that I’ll be civil and that I’ll turn the other cheek if the need ever arises. And I’m tired of the drama too. Especially the drama between us. I don’t understand why we’re like this. Why we’re so damn volatile sometimes. It’s like we hate to love each other and love to hate each other. We’re so bloody dysfunctional, Max.”

“’Cause we argue? Come on…” I roll my eyes and reach out to loop her hair behind her ears. “All couples argue, babe. What was it my mom said? About the first year being the hardest?”

“If you can get through the first year without slipping poison into his food or smothering him in his sleep, then it’s forever,” she quotes my mother word for word. “If you can put up with a Talbot man’s shit for a year, you’ll be able to put up with it for the rest of your life.”

“Okay…so I think you may have listened to her a little too closely,” I tease, and caress her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs.

Fuck she’s pretty. Adorable even. And so phenomenally different than any other woman I’d ever been with. I’d always gone for the sex kittens; women with legs that went on for miles and had more silicone in their chests than brains between their ears. Dupers had always joked around that when I’d finally found ‘the one’ she’d be the exact opposite of what I was used to. That she’d be ‘girl next door beautiful’ and insanely intelligent and have a slight edge to her; an attitude that clearly let me know that she wasn’t going to take my shit and that she wasn’t afraid to hand me my ass. He couldn’t have been more right; Em’s feisty and tenacious and is way too quick with the smart mouthed comebacks and is probably the smartest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.

And I definitely don’t deserve her.

“We fight, Emmy-Lou. It’s just what we do. It’s just who we are. It’s because I’m an arrogant bastard and you’re a total pain in my ass.”

“You were totally faking it when you pretended to be asleep during all those times I forced you to watch The Notebook,” she grins. “And yes…you are an arrogant bastard…”

“And you’re a total pain in my ass,” I retort. “Mind you…” I give her a long steady once over and give an approving nod; she’s damn cute in her little denim capris and her peasant style top that ties at the small of her back and accentuates her baby bump. “….you’re a completely sexy pain in my ass. What’s that t-shirt you showed me this morning? What did it say on it? The one with Jerry the mouse from Tom and Jerry on it and he’s eating a popsicle.”

“Yummy Mummy,” she says. “That’s what it says on the front.”

“You are definitely one yummy mommy,” I confirm. “And seeing as fighting with you always gets the blood flowing to my nether regions…”

“Your nether regions?” she laughs at that. “That is not my Max talking. Where’s my Max and what have you done with him?”

“…I think I should let our guests fend for themselves and drag you upstairs for a bit. All I need is about twenty minutes. Indulge in a little make up sex.”

“I thought the woman was supposed to be the incredibly horny one during pregnancy,” she muses, and then giggles when I lean down to nibble and suckle at the side of her neck. “What’s gotten into you lately? Why are you like this?”

“I’m always like this,” I say. “Think they’d all notice if we took off for a little while? I can always make some excuse that you’re not feeling well and that you need to lie down. That you need me to pamper you and baby you and…”

The sound of the patio door sliding open brings my sentence to an abrupt halt and both Em and I glance to where a sheepish looking Autumn is standing with one foot in the kitchen and one on the deck.

“I’m sorry…” she gives an apologetic smile. “…I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just…”

“We were just kissing and making up,” Em says, as she backs away from me. “Lucky for you, you managed to come in before Max dropped his pants.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded the free show,” I chide, and then hold my hands up in self defence when she glares at me.

“I was just wondering if maybe I could take to Emma-Leigh for a moment,” Autumn says. “I promise I won’t hog her too much. I just have some things that I need to say just between us and…”

“Say no more,” I snag a fresh bottle of beer from an open case in the middle of the island and then slide down of the counter. “Hey…” I lay a hand on the back of Em’s neck and place my lips next to her ear. “…remember what I said, okay?” I press a kiss to her temple and then run my palm over her hair before heading for the sliding door. “You be good,” I warn my wife. “Don’t make me sick M and M on you.”

“I’ll be an angel,” she promises, and I give her a wink before stepping out onto the deck and closing the glass pane behind me.