Love Complicates Everything
chapter 1
Hello, I am Bill Kaulitz, I'm 13 years old, and I have a twin brother named Tom. We are a bit different, but I love him to death We are unseperable. Most of the time. But like any brothers, we have our moments.
We live in a comfy house in Germany. Our mother and stepfather also lived with us, but they weren't around very often. So I spent most of my time with Tom. He was always there.
In our backyard we had a small forest with a lake in the middle of it. It was a cute place. Tom and I went there often to just play, talk, whatever.
It was awesome. Just to be free. Young , and innocent. If only I hadn't grown up so fast...
I paused in my recollection. I was lost in memories of what seemed like an eternity ago but in fact was only a few months. I had almost forgotten where I was. Actually , for a moment I believe that I did forget.
It was December 3, 2002. I was sitting with a complete stranger telling her about my "wrongful" relationship with my brother. It was a form of counseling ordered by my parents. They wonder what they did wrong to raise two sons like this and I know that they're hoping we'll change.
The Docter, Dr. Park , nodded.
"Go on."
After a pause, I drifted back into memories. Of when my brother and I would go to the lake and swim,play hide and seek, freeze tag, and other games.
I was interrupted by the docter.
"These memories are...nice. However, when did the relationship between you and your brother begin?"
I didn't reply. This was definitly not something that i wanted to tell a complete stranger.
She sighed.
"I thought so. Mr Kaulitz, you're going to have to trust me. How can we ever get you to change if you can't tell me?"
"But what if I don't want to change? I love him. Is love really that wrong?"
"No one ever said that love is wrong! It's just wrong to be in love with your twin brother!"
A tear ran down my face.
"But how can it be so wrong when it feels so right?"
I left. What's the point in talking to her anyways? Who would tell a complete stranger something so personal?
I definitly wouldn't. Certain things were just between me and Tom. And I may be only 13, but I'm not naive. I know that if I tell her she'll tell everyone, including my parents. And there are just some things that i don't want them to know.
I called Tom that night on the phone. He was on the other side of the country somwhere at a boarding school. My mom sent him there when she found out about us. I haven't seen him in over two months.
But I still called him every night.
"Hello."
"Hey, Bill! I miss you."
I smiled.
"I've missed you too."
"So, how was your first session with Dr. Park?"
"Terrible. She kept asking me all of these questions about us, she's one nosy bitch."
"What did you tell her?"
"Nothing, really. It's not any of her damn business."
"Cool. By the way, does your wrist still hurt?"
I looked down at my left arm. On my wrist was a thin scar, slowly healing.
"Just a little. It's almost healed now."
We were silent for a few moments. Thinking about how only a few weeks ago I was lying in a hospital bed with my wrists bleeding. Waiting to die, because they had taken my Tom away from me.
"Bill, please don't do anything like that ever again. You really scared me."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just felt like I was losing you."
"You'll never lose me! I'll always be here!"
I smiled weakly. I loved him so much that it hurt.
"So how are things going with the show?"
"Ok, I guess. There's another episode tomorrow. Will you be watching?"
I was currently a contestant on the show Starsearch.
"Of course", he replied.
"Oh, and do you know if you'll be home for Christmas?"
"I'm not sure. I don't think that mom wants me home."
"Oh, ok then."
We were both thinking the same thing: she didn't want us together, and would do almost anything to keep us apart, even if it meant keeping one of her sons on the other side of Germany, cold and alone on Christmas. She won't even let me talk to him.
That's why we finally hung up.
"I think she's home."
"OK, bye then. I love you with all my life Bill."
"And I love you to death, Tom."
Those lines were our "thing". We said those all the time, and it always made me smile.
We live in a comfy house in Germany. Our mother and stepfather also lived with us, but they weren't around very often. So I spent most of my time with Tom. He was always there.
In our backyard we had a small forest with a lake in the middle of it. It was a cute place. Tom and I went there often to just play, talk, whatever.
It was awesome. Just to be free. Young , and innocent. If only I hadn't grown up so fast...
I paused in my recollection. I was lost in memories of what seemed like an eternity ago but in fact was only a few months. I had almost forgotten where I was. Actually , for a moment I believe that I did forget.
It was December 3, 2002. I was sitting with a complete stranger telling her about my "wrongful" relationship with my brother. It was a form of counseling ordered by my parents. They wonder what they did wrong to raise two sons like this and I know that they're hoping we'll change.
The Docter, Dr. Park , nodded.
"Go on."
After a pause, I drifted back into memories. Of when my brother and I would go to the lake and swim,play hide and seek, freeze tag, and other games.
I was interrupted by the docter.
"These memories are...nice. However, when did the relationship between you and your brother begin?"
I didn't reply. This was definitly not something that i wanted to tell a complete stranger.
She sighed.
"I thought so. Mr Kaulitz, you're going to have to trust me. How can we ever get you to change if you can't tell me?"
"But what if I don't want to change? I love him. Is love really that wrong?"
"No one ever said that love is wrong! It's just wrong to be in love with your twin brother!"
A tear ran down my face.
"But how can it be so wrong when it feels so right?"
I left. What's the point in talking to her anyways? Who would tell a complete stranger something so personal?
I definitly wouldn't. Certain things were just between me and Tom. And I may be only 13, but I'm not naive. I know that if I tell her she'll tell everyone, including my parents. And there are just some things that i don't want them to know.
I called Tom that night on the phone. He was on the other side of the country somwhere at a boarding school. My mom sent him there when she found out about us. I haven't seen him in over two months.
But I still called him every night.
"Hello."
"Hey, Bill! I miss you."
I smiled.
"I've missed you too."
"So, how was your first session with Dr. Park?"
"Terrible. She kept asking me all of these questions about us, she's one nosy bitch."
"What did you tell her?"
"Nothing, really. It's not any of her damn business."
"Cool. By the way, does your wrist still hurt?"
I looked down at my left arm. On my wrist was a thin scar, slowly healing.
"Just a little. It's almost healed now."
We were silent for a few moments. Thinking about how only a few weeks ago I was lying in a hospital bed with my wrists bleeding. Waiting to die, because they had taken my Tom away from me.
"Bill, please don't do anything like that ever again. You really scared me."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just felt like I was losing you."
"You'll never lose me! I'll always be here!"
I smiled weakly. I loved him so much that it hurt.
"So how are things going with the show?"
"Ok, I guess. There's another episode tomorrow. Will you be watching?"
I was currently a contestant on the show Starsearch.
"Of course", he replied.
"Oh, and do you know if you'll be home for Christmas?"
"I'm not sure. I don't think that mom wants me home."
"Oh, ok then."
We were both thinking the same thing: she didn't want us together, and would do almost anything to keep us apart, even if it meant keeping one of her sons on the other side of Germany, cold and alone on Christmas. She won't even let me talk to him.
That's why we finally hung up.
"I think she's home."
"OK, bye then. I love you with all my life Bill."
"And I love you to death, Tom."
Those lines were our "thing". We said those all the time, and it always made me smile.