Love Complicates Everything
Chapter 15
I was feeling so much pain, but at the same time I felt as if I were numb. I could hardly feel anything at all.
What if I became so overcome with pain that I would never be able to feel again?
I took a pair of scissors off of my dresser.
Placing them on my arm, I began to saw away until i had a good sized cut there. Not deep enough to cause any problems, but enough to feel pain.
Pain was satisfaction.
It was amazing how the physical pain took away some of the mental pain almost instantly.
I looked at the cut. Blood was slowly falling down my arm.
My only regret was that I hadn't thought of this sooner.
I looked around my room, bored. There was absolutely nothing to do.
But then my eyes rested on the brown paper bag.
Without hesitation, I opened it and pulled out a bag labeled "pot". it had some thin paper to roll it in, which I quickly did.
I lit the end,then lifted it to my mouth and took a deep breath. Then I breathed it out a moment later.
I felt a burning in my throat, but it wasn't bad.
It was actually quite nice.
I took another drag of this new wonder, savoring the bittersweeteness of it all, my new best friend.
I awoke a few hours later, still in my room.
It was a peaceful sleep.
Actually , I'm not sure if it was sleeping, or an effect of the drugs.
But I didn't feel any pain, and that's what's important.
I was changing, I'd realized.
Never again would I be that innocent, naive child that I used to be. No more dependency on others.
I knew that if I wanted to survive in this cold, cruel world, that I'd have to be independent.
Love always ruined my life, so I wouldn't bother with that anymore.
I would stick with the drugs: they helped. And the cutting.
Those two things that everyone see as something so wrong have helped me more then anything else.
I might as well spend the rest of my life, locked up in my room, getting high.
If I died, who would really care anyways?
I drifted into a state between consciousness and sleep. But I snapped back into reality when my cell phone rang.
It was Andreas.
I forget about him sometimes. I'd met him a few years ago, and we'd been OK friends, but he'd been more friends with Tom.
"Uh...hello?"
"Hey, Bill. What's up?"
"Um...I don't know...What is up?"
"What? Are you OK? You don't sound too good..."
"No, I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired, must be a new...medication I'm trying."
"Really? What's it called?"
"Uh...I forgot."
"Oh...OK."
I know that he could tell that I was lying, but I didn't care.
"So... I heard that it was a tough tour. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
He sighed.
"Seriously, though, what's wrong?"
"I told you: nothing! I'm fine."
"OK...well, how about I come over, we can hang out."
"I don't know..."
"Well, how about you come over to my house? We can hang out, we haven't done that in a while. Bring Tom, you guys can spend the night."
"Ugh."
"What?'
"I'm sick of Tom."
"Well... then come solo. I can help you plan your 16Th birthday party."
"Oh, yeah. I forgot that my birthday was soon."
He laughed.
"Wow, you must really be busy."
"I guess."
"So when do you want to come over?"
"Uh...not today, sorry."
"OK. Well I'm busy tomorrow and Friday, so how about Saturday?"
I sighed.
"That's fine."
"OK, good. See you then?"
"Yeah."
"OK. bye."
"Bye."
I quickly hung up, then drifted back to sleep.
I awoke to hear my mom knocking on my bedroom door.
"Bill, honey? Are you OK?"
"I'm fine."
"Well, dinners' ready."
"OK."
i was going to tell her that I wasn't hungry, but I knew that skipping dinner would cause her to became suspicious that something was wrong. And if she found out about the drugs...
I went into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face.
I looked in the mirror.
I looked like shit.
There were dark circles under my eyes, and I looked tired.
I could see that I looked different, even a bit unlike myself.
It was like looking at a stranger in the mirror.
I know that I'm thin but the figure in the mirror represented a skeleton.
There were lines on my face as if I haven't been getting much sleep.
And then there were my eyes.
The look in my eyes was a mixture of pain, sadness, and loneliness.
And sadly, the mirror image reflected the absolute truth.
I went out of the bathroom and to dinner.
We were silent until mom tried to start up a conversation.
"So, boys! Any plans for your sweet sixteenth birthday party?"
I sighed.
"Mom...only girls have a "sweet" sixteen."
Tom smirked.
"Oh, so Bill, you're going to have a sweet 16 then. right?"
"Tom! Apologize to your brother!"
"It's OK, mom. I get stuff like that all the time."
We were silent again.
"Bill, what's wrong? You seem a bit unlike yourself. And you seem to be getting really thin. You've even got dark circles under your eyes. Are you working too hard?"
"I'm fine, mom."
"Are you sure? Maybe you should go on a vacation or something. I'll go with you; I was thinking Hawaii!"
"I said I'm fine."
She sighed.
I stood up, put my plate in the kitchen with most of my dinner still on it, and went to my room.
I wanted more. I didn't care what type of drug it was, but I knew that I needed more.
Just another dose and everything really would be fine.
Temporarily, I'd be numb. Without pain. And that was the best feeling that i could ask for.
I decided to research drugs a bit, because I have to admit that I had no idea what I was doing.
I found out that the kinds that I have are morphine, pot, and heroin. And all of them are illegal.
But I didn't care. I was going to keep using the drugs and no one could stop me. I'm not addicted, at least I don't think so, but I just use them because they help me. So really they are a good thing.
Saturday , as promised, I went to Andreas' house.
I didn't really want to go, but how could I refuse? The more distant I become the more people will watch out for me and I can't smoke illegal drugs with people always watching me, can I?
"Hey, Bill! How are you?"
I shrugged.
"Same as always. You?"
"I'm alright. So, what've you been up to lately?"
"Nothing, really. I've just been keeping to myself; I mostly stay in my room."
"Why?"
I had to think of something quickly, and the lie came easily.
"Well, after being on tour for so long, stuck in a small bus filled with people all of the time, it's nice just to be alone."
It was a bit true...
"Yeah, I guess you've got a point there...."
Good, he believed it.
"So what do you want to do today?"
I shrugged.
"I don't know."
"Are you hungry?"
"Not really."
"How can you not be hungry? You're so thin, you look like you haven't eaten in years."
"I'm fine."
"OK..."
We were silent for a few moments. It was awkward....
"So what should we do?"
"I really have no idea."
"OK...let's talk,then. I heard that a girl died on tour. Were you close to her?"
"Samara? We were...closer then some, but overall I never really knew her. I never got the chance to...."
"Wow. i heard that she was stabbed, is that true?"
I sighed.
"Well, that's what they told me. I wasn't there, though."
"That must suck, though, to die that way. How old was she?"
"18."
"Oh, young,too..."
"It's my fault that she's dead."
"What? How could you say that? You were a mile away when it happened! How could you possible be the cause of it?"
I smiled sadly.
"You wouldn't understand."
"How do you know? Don't ever be afraid to tell me anything."
"OK!"
To change the subject, Andreas started talking about my 16Th birthday party and how we should start playing.
he played music as we did so, and he played the worse songs!
All I could think about was having another marijuana cigarette or shooting up some heroin, and the music made it worse. Here were the songs:
Kill Hannah - Lips Like Morphine
System of A Down - Heroin
Weezer - We are All on Drugs
Sick Puppies - Pitiful ["And I've tried every drug I find. Except maybe heroin and cyanide. But there's a reason; I just can't afford them yet. Oh,it's another overdose! I'm dying."]
Jann Wilde and Rose Avenue - Mr. Wilde ["Do you think that it'd be OK if I invite some friends to a party. They are rich and they do cocaine."]
Damn, was he trying to kill me?
"Bill, are you listening to me?"
""Whuh? Oh, yeah, I am."
He sighed.
"Bill, your birthday is in a month. Do you know how lucky you are to have the money to throw a big party? You should take advantage of this, go crazy. Throw the biggest - ass party that the world's ever seen!"
"OK."
I didn't spend the night at his house like he wanted me to. I don't think that I could last that long without some type of drug.
Maybe I was addicted.
As soon as I got home, I smoked some more. I realized that I was getting low though. And I had no idea where I could get some more.
I tried the Internet. Under a fake name I created an account on some website where you could post ads or ask for stuff.
I posted something asking for morphine, or some other drug and I got an offer a few hours later.
They guy told me to meet him at some old warehouse in the rundown part of town, and to bring plenty of cash.
I told my mom that I was going to the movies and I left, wearing thick black sunglasses and a black hoodie, the hood over my eyes. I didn't want to be recognized...
I stood outside the abandoned building. A man, big and tough looking, came over to me.
"Are you Princess Billa?"
I nodded. That was my user name.
"That'll be $200.
Damn, drugs are expensive! I handed the money over. He gave me the drugs.
"Thank you, goodbye."
I started to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
"You don't sound like a princess! Hey, aren't you that kid?"
"What?"
"That kid! That kid in that band!"
"Excuse me?"
"Tokio Motel!"
"Hotel."
"Huh?"
"It's Tokio Hotel, not motel."
"What did you call me?"
I sighed. This guy was stupid...
"Nothing."
I started to walk away.
"Hey, Pretty Boy! Where o you think you're going, fancy pants? Get back here!"
"What?"
"What did you say your name was again?"
"I didn't say my name."
"Well what is it?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yeah, yeah it does. So I wonder what will happen when millions of teenage girls find out that their idol is addicted to morphine!"
"I'm not addicted! Besides, I do other drugs as well!"
"Oh, really?"
"Really."
"Wow, I can't wait until the press gets ahold of this one!"
"They're not going to find out."
"Huh? Who said?"
"You're not going to tell a soul about this."
"Well, I don't know, pretty boy! How can I keep my mouth shut with an empty wallet and all..."
I got the hint. I pulled out of my wallet another $200.
"My lips are sealed. It was nice doing business with you."
I nodded and ran off. Thankfully, this time he didn't stop me.
I continued to use the drugs, and after a week I was already out.
I was at Andreas' house again, but I told him at 3:00 that I had to leave.
The reason?
I had to get more drugs! the dealer scared the shit out of me, but I was desperate!
I told Andreas that I had to leave.
"Why, what's the rush?"
"I have to meet someone in half an hour."
"Really? Who?"
"Does it matter? I have to go."
"OK..."
I left. I knew that he was worried, but I didn't think that he would do anything. Silly me...
The man was waiting for me, with a bag of drugs.
"Hey, Princess! Do you have the cash?"
I handed him $400.
"You think that this is enough? The price raised."
"What?!"
"Ha, weren't expecting that, were you, rich boy?"
"Um..I don't have the money for that..."
"Well you better find the money if you want your precious drugs!"
"Please! Can't you make an exception? I'll do anything!"
"Anything? Answer the question! How badly do you want them, pretty boy? How badly do you want me to keep quiet about all of this?"
"Please, don't tell anyone! It'll ruin my career!"
"So you're saying that I could ruin your career by telling the world that a little 15 year old faggot pop star is on drugs?"
I heard a noise coming from the other side of the building. I turned around to see the source, but I saw nothing...
I turned back to the dealer.
"OK...I'm going to be nice... JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP BASTARD AND JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING DRUGS!"
He laughed.
"Oh, the little princess is trying to act tough, now! Well, it's a tough world, especially in the drug world! Survival of the fittest. And girly little rich boys usually don't make it."
He pushed me against the building. I gasped in pain.
"Stop!"
I tried to push away, but he was too strong. He held me down as he stole all of my money and a few other things like my cell phone and jewelry.
"Not so tough anymore, are you?"
"Please, just let me go!" I said through tears. "You've taken pretty much everything that I have, just let me go!"
He had an evil smile on his face.
"How do you expect me to let you go? You might tell the police what happened and I don't want that! And out here, no one will be able to hear you scream!"
He took out a knife. I screamed as he plunged it into my shoulder, stabbing me.
I hurt like hell, but after a moment he was pulled back.
I don't know who saved me, but I remember for a moment feeling thank fullness before the world faded around me.
♠ ♠ ♠
i know...cliffhanger...lolololol sorry =]but does anyone want me to add my other tokio hotel stories on here? i have like 3 others but i don't want to add them if no one will read them...