Love Complicates Everything
Chapter 2
The next day was the episode for Starsearch. I sang, danced, and went home. It was getting old. But the next day was the results episode. I was scared to death of getting kicked off the show.
I wanted to try my hardest to make Tom proud.
But I failed.
I went off stage crying. I didn't know what to do. My parents wouldn't understand, so I packed my stuff and went out the back door.
I walked a few miles, unsure of where to go. A few times my mom called me on my cell phone, but I didn't feel like talking to her.
Or anyone else.
Except maybe one person...
"And what did you do next?"
I was back in Dr. Park's office, two weeks later for another session. Of course, she had seen what happened on the show, so why hide what happened afterwards?
I took the train to his school. I remembered that he was in Dorm 2, room 13 so I knocked on the door. He came immediatly and when he saw me standing out there he just brought me in and hugged me. I cried in his arms, and he cried a little too for me.
I spent the night there with him. Eventually I called my mom and told her that I was staying at a friends' house.
Better safe then sorry.
"And then what did you and Tom do?"
"Um...we talked."
"Just talk? Or was there a bit of anything else?"
"No," I lied. From her sharp gaze burning a hole through my flesh, I can tell that she didn't believe me.
But I didn't care anyways.
About a week later Christmas came. It was a bit lonely opening presents without Tom. After I was finished though, my mom and stepfather left to see him.
"We're going to visit your brother, we'll be back in a few hours."
I nodded. Then I went up to my room to call Tom. It was an hour and a half drive to his school, so I knew that I could use that time to talk to him.
"Tom?"
"Hey, Bill Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas to you, too. I wish you were here."
"And I wish I was there too."
We talked for a little while until he had to hang up. I was upset of course, but who knows what mom will do if she knew we still talked to eachother. she would definitly do something stupid like get rid of all of the phones in the house.
Christmas dinner was prosaic. We didn't talk much, because usually it was Tom who started the conversations. My stepfather made some terrible dinner, which was so bland that I ended up feeding most of it to the dog.
Then I indolently sat on the couch and watched tv.
Music videos to be exact.
A video for The Rasmus was playing. My eyes were transfixed to the screen as an idea slowly came to mind.
I thought about how I read that the band members are very close, and got to spend months together on tour. What if I formed a band with Tom? Then we would be able to see eachother all of the time!
A few lines in the song caught my attention.
"Don't you tell m e how I should be...I've made up my mind about the future."
I don't know much english but I knew enough to know what that meant. It was all about having attitude. After all, it is my life, so I think that I have the right to decide who I love and what I do.
It's only fair.
"Did you have a good Christmas and New Years?"
Dr. Park asked at the next session.
I nodded.
"Yeah, it was great."
"You're lying," she observed immediatly.
I didn't argue with that.
"I see your wrist. It has quite a scar. Would you like to tell me how you got it?"
"You know perfectly well that I tried to slit my wrists. Isn't that one of the reasons that I'm forced to do this counseling shit."
She flinched when I swore, but remained calm.
"I only heard what the docters told me. I want to hear it from your point of view."
Memories flashed through my mind. They started six months ago. July.
Tom and I were down by the lake, laying in the grass and talking.
Laughing.
And then he kissed me.
One kiss turned into two, and then more and more until we were lying in the grass making out. And then, for the next two months, sneaking off together to kiss whenever we could. And then that day in early October when our mother caught us making out on my bed.
How she started crying and yelling at us, and how she sent Tom far away just to keep us apart.
For a week I was in pain, and I missed him so much that I finally just snapped. I went into the bathroom, with a knife in hand, and I began slitting my wrists. I remember passing out from loss of blood and waking up in a hospital bed.
And even then they wouldn't let me see Tom. I could've died, but they still wouldn't let me be with my love.
I refused to see anyone, my mom especially. I only wanted Tom. Finally, they permitted a phone call.
He started crying and yelling at me that he would die without me but he didn't want to die and he didn't want me to die either. Also, he said that he was worried about me and missed me so much and I was thinking about me all the time.
It made me feel guilty to think that if I selfishly killed myself then he would be heartbroken.
"So? Are you going to tell me what happened?"
I was lost in memories yet again. I looked up to Docter Park and smiled.
"No, I am not going to tell you what is clearly none of your damn fucking bussiness, bitch. So how about you just forget about asking all together. It's pointless."
And I ended yet another session on a bad note.
But now I regret it. That night at dinner my mom and stepdad started argueing with me about it.
"Bill, don't you have any manners at all?"
I didn't reply.
"How can you be so rude to Docter Park?"
"Hey, you're lucky I'm going to these fucking sessions at all!"
"Watch your language," my stepdad said.
"And just because you don't want to see Docter Park doesn't mean that you shouldn't respect her!"
"Well why do I have to go there anyways?"
"It's for your own good. We're trying to help you."
"Well why aren't you sending Tom to counseling?!"
"Tom didn't try to commit suicide!"
"Well maybe I wouldn't of tried to commit suicide if you hadn't taken Tom away from me!"
They gave up. We all did. We knew that all of this argueing would amount to nothing.
I wanted to try my hardest to make Tom proud.
But I failed.
I went off stage crying. I didn't know what to do. My parents wouldn't understand, so I packed my stuff and went out the back door.
I walked a few miles, unsure of where to go. A few times my mom called me on my cell phone, but I didn't feel like talking to her.
Or anyone else.
Except maybe one person...
"And what did you do next?"
I was back in Dr. Park's office, two weeks later for another session. Of course, she had seen what happened on the show, so why hide what happened afterwards?
I took the train to his school. I remembered that he was in Dorm 2, room 13 so I knocked on the door. He came immediatly and when he saw me standing out there he just brought me in and hugged me. I cried in his arms, and he cried a little too for me.
I spent the night there with him. Eventually I called my mom and told her that I was staying at a friends' house.
Better safe then sorry.
"And then what did you and Tom do?"
"Um...we talked."
"Just talk? Or was there a bit of anything else?"
"No," I lied. From her sharp gaze burning a hole through my flesh, I can tell that she didn't believe me.
But I didn't care anyways.
About a week later Christmas came. It was a bit lonely opening presents without Tom. After I was finished though, my mom and stepfather left to see him.
"We're going to visit your brother, we'll be back in a few hours."
I nodded. Then I went up to my room to call Tom. It was an hour and a half drive to his school, so I knew that I could use that time to talk to him.
"Tom?"
"Hey, Bill Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas to you, too. I wish you were here."
"And I wish I was there too."
We talked for a little while until he had to hang up. I was upset of course, but who knows what mom will do if she knew we still talked to eachother. she would definitly do something stupid like get rid of all of the phones in the house.
Christmas dinner was prosaic. We didn't talk much, because usually it was Tom who started the conversations. My stepfather made some terrible dinner, which was so bland that I ended up feeding most of it to the dog.
Then I indolently sat on the couch and watched tv.
Music videos to be exact.
A video for The Rasmus was playing. My eyes were transfixed to the screen as an idea slowly came to mind.
I thought about how I read that the band members are very close, and got to spend months together on tour. What if I formed a band with Tom? Then we would be able to see eachother all of the time!
A few lines in the song caught my attention.
"Don't you tell m e how I should be...I've made up my mind about the future."
I don't know much english but I knew enough to know what that meant. It was all about having attitude. After all, it is my life, so I think that I have the right to decide who I love and what I do.
It's only fair.
"Did you have a good Christmas and New Years?"
Dr. Park asked at the next session.
I nodded.
"Yeah, it was great."
"You're lying," she observed immediatly.
I didn't argue with that.
"I see your wrist. It has quite a scar. Would you like to tell me how you got it?"
"You know perfectly well that I tried to slit my wrists. Isn't that one of the reasons that I'm forced to do this counseling shit."
She flinched when I swore, but remained calm.
"I only heard what the docters told me. I want to hear it from your point of view."
Memories flashed through my mind. They started six months ago. July.
Tom and I were down by the lake, laying in the grass and talking.
Laughing.
And then he kissed me.
One kiss turned into two, and then more and more until we were lying in the grass making out. And then, for the next two months, sneaking off together to kiss whenever we could. And then that day in early October when our mother caught us making out on my bed.
How she started crying and yelling at us, and how she sent Tom far away just to keep us apart.
For a week I was in pain, and I missed him so much that I finally just snapped. I went into the bathroom, with a knife in hand, and I began slitting my wrists. I remember passing out from loss of blood and waking up in a hospital bed.
And even then they wouldn't let me see Tom. I could've died, but they still wouldn't let me be with my love.
I refused to see anyone, my mom especially. I only wanted Tom. Finally, they permitted a phone call.
He started crying and yelling at me that he would die without me but he didn't want to die and he didn't want me to die either. Also, he said that he was worried about me and missed me so much and I was thinking about me all the time.
It made me feel guilty to think that if I selfishly killed myself then he would be heartbroken.
"So? Are you going to tell me what happened?"
I was lost in memories yet again. I looked up to Docter Park and smiled.
"No, I am not going to tell you what is clearly none of your damn fucking bussiness, bitch. So how about you just forget about asking all together. It's pointless."
And I ended yet another session on a bad note.
But now I regret it. That night at dinner my mom and stepdad started argueing with me about it.
"Bill, don't you have any manners at all?"
I didn't reply.
"How can you be so rude to Docter Park?"
"Hey, you're lucky I'm going to these fucking sessions at all!"
"Watch your language," my stepdad said.
"And just because you don't want to see Docter Park doesn't mean that you shouldn't respect her!"
"Well why do I have to go there anyways?"
"It's for your own good. We're trying to help you."
"Well why aren't you sending Tom to counseling?!"
"Tom didn't try to commit suicide!"
"Well maybe I wouldn't of tried to commit suicide if you hadn't taken Tom away from me!"
They gave up. We all did. We knew that all of this argueing would amount to nothing.