Dear book, I miss him.
Somehow
These last couple days have been pretty plain. All I've been doing is going to school and staying in my room for
countless hours, staring at the wall. Its all this medication. Its making me worse because I just feel numb the whole
time. I can actually say things without getting mad or start shaking and crying. And something really great and amazing came out
of it when Gerard came into my room yesterday.
"Mikey, tell me what's going on with you please." Gerard said pleadingly for the third time.
Gerard came into my room around ten minutes ago and sat down next to me trying to get me to talk again.
He had been worrying about me for ages. He didn't really know how to help me and he said it killed him to see me just withering
away. I felt bad for him, I didn't mean to be hurting him so much. We have always been close and ever since what happened to Frank
I haven't really told him anything or talked to him at all for the matter. I've refused to talk to anyone.
It couldn't be that bad to tell him something this time, it wouldn't really hurt me right now.
"Okay. What exactly do you want to know?" I asked him.
Gerard looked at me surprised but quickly recovered and put a serious face on.
"I want to know what your thinking about all the time. Why are you so anti-social now? And
do you plan to keep this up forever?" Gerard asked. I could see the concern in his eyes.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could do this.
"I'm always thinking about Frank...He's the one on my mind all the time. I'm thinking about how I should have know
it was going to happen. That I should have been stronger to stop it from happening. I'm thinking of where he is now. If
he's alive or if he's dead. If he's suffering or if someone is just keeping him hostage. I'm constantly thinking about what
is happening to him. I'm anti-social because no one seems to care that he's missing. It hasn't even been that long and
every ones given up. I would be looking for him if I could. You know I would be out there searching if I wouldn't be constantly
stopped and taken back home somehow by the police or by the people that know me
. If we kept trying we'd have to find Frank somehow but no, they just have a file on him
missing and papers with his face on it in certain stores. That's it Gee. That's all that's being done for him so why should I
be talking to anyone? They don't seem to care enough. And it shouldn't be okay for them to stop me from looking for him.
And if this is going to keep on going, well, it will until I find a way to get out of here and find Frank, or if Frank just happens to be
found. I have no reason to be happy because Frank means everything to me. He never gave up on me with anything and he is
the most amazing person I could ever possibly be with. He is still my boyfriend Gerard... You know that, you all know that and you
expect me to just forget about him? I won't. Ever. I made him a promise that I'd keep on looking for him. And what am I doing? Sitting
here all day. Doing nothing. Nothing..."
I was shaking only a little bit and I could feel my eyes watering a bit. Gerard just stared at the floor. A few minutes passed with only silence until
Gerard said my name.
"Mikey."
"Yeah.."
"We'll find him. I don't know how but we will. There's got to be a way and there has to be clues to how to find him. Whoever has him is somewhere
and Frank is waiting for us. Waiting for you. And I'd be the worst brother in the world to not help you find him."
I looked at him. Was he really saying this? Was he really going to help me find Frank? When he had been telling me to try and let go of him for a while now?
"You better not be joking Gerard..." I said quietly.
"I'm not, I swear I'm not. You just have to tell me everything that happened Mikey, every little thing that you know about who took him and why. You've got to
tell me this time, so that I can help you."
I could feel goosebumps go through my body. I didn't want to remember everything. I didn't know how I could deal with it again.
But it was for Frank. Finding him was
more important than being afraid. I had to do this, no matter how much it scared me.
"Okay....I'll tell you." I said slowly.
countless hours, staring at the wall. Its all this medication. Its making me worse because I just feel numb the whole
time. I can actually say things without getting mad or start shaking and crying. And something really great and amazing came out
of it when Gerard came into my room yesterday.
"Mikey, tell me what's going on with you please." Gerard said pleadingly for the third time.
Gerard came into my room around ten minutes ago and sat down next to me trying to get me to talk again.
He had been worrying about me for ages. He didn't really know how to help me and he said it killed him to see me just withering
away. I felt bad for him, I didn't mean to be hurting him so much. We have always been close and ever since what happened to Frank
I haven't really told him anything or talked to him at all for the matter. I've refused to talk to anyone.
It couldn't be that bad to tell him something this time, it wouldn't really hurt me right now.
"Okay. What exactly do you want to know?" I asked him.
Gerard looked at me surprised but quickly recovered and put a serious face on.
"I want to know what your thinking about all the time. Why are you so anti-social now? And
do you plan to keep this up forever?" Gerard asked. I could see the concern in his eyes.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could do this.
"I'm always thinking about Frank...He's the one on my mind all the time. I'm thinking about how I should have know
it was going to happen. That I should have been stronger to stop it from happening. I'm thinking of where he is now. If
he's alive or if he's dead. If he's suffering or if someone is just keeping him hostage. I'm constantly thinking about what
is happening to him. I'm anti-social because no one seems to care that he's missing. It hasn't even been that long and
every ones given up. I would be looking for him if I could. You know I would be out there searching if I wouldn't be constantly
stopped and taken back home somehow by the police or by the people that know me
. If we kept trying we'd have to find Frank somehow but no, they just have a file on him
missing and papers with his face on it in certain stores. That's it Gee. That's all that's being done for him so why should I
be talking to anyone? They don't seem to care enough. And it shouldn't be okay for them to stop me from looking for him.
And if this is going to keep on going, well, it will until I find a way to get out of here and find Frank, or if Frank just happens to be
found. I have no reason to be happy because Frank means everything to me. He never gave up on me with anything and he is
the most amazing person I could ever possibly be with. He is still my boyfriend Gerard... You know that, you all know that and you
expect me to just forget about him? I won't. Ever. I made him a promise that I'd keep on looking for him. And what am I doing? Sitting
here all day. Doing nothing. Nothing..."
I was shaking only a little bit and I could feel my eyes watering a bit. Gerard just stared at the floor. A few minutes passed with only silence until
Gerard said my name.
"Mikey."
"Yeah.."
"We'll find him. I don't know how but we will. There's got to be a way and there has to be clues to how to find him. Whoever has him is somewhere
and Frank is waiting for us. Waiting for you. And I'd be the worst brother in the world to not help you find him."
I looked at him. Was he really saying this? Was he really going to help me find Frank? When he had been telling me to try and let go of him for a while now?
"You better not be joking Gerard..." I said quietly.
"I'm not, I swear I'm not. You just have to tell me everything that happened Mikey, every little thing that you know about who took him and why. You've got to
tell me this time, so that I can help you."
I could feel goosebumps go through my body. I didn't want to remember everything. I didn't know how I could deal with it again.
But it was for Frank. Finding him was
more important than being afraid. I had to do this, no matter how much it scared me.
"Okay....I'll tell you." I said slowly.
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay, here's another chapter! Sorry that took a couple days :/ I only have the computer late at night or sometimes in the afternoon now. Grr. Well, I hope you like ...^^Song: On Directing - Tegan and Sara