Take Me There

My mind wasn’t occupied with much. It was as if I had blown off the kiss as some hug: it didn’t mean much. I knew what it meant to me, but to Nick--to the overall action, it was nothing more than confusion. I told myself to let it go because I’d only get hurt by dwelling on it. I told myself that, when Cass came back things would be normal. I should’ve told myself that neither would happen.

It was a bright morning, the stuffy house already making me uncomfortable, but I was able to dress freely. I had a pair of shorts on and a tank, but I stayed wrapped up in my blanket, not wanting to look at my skin. Mom was at work and I was alone, but I decided that was okay. When my eyes darted to the phone, I bit my lip and stood, telling myself that calling Nick would only make matters worse. I had never called him. Sure I had called his house and asked for Joe, and Nick had picked up once or twice with his quiet and polite voice, but I had never called for him. I had never wanted him like I did now.

But I guess I didn’t want to be alone after all.

Ignoring the phone and my thoughts, I wrapped the blanket tighter around my sticky body and headed into the hallway. Bypassing Cass’s closed door only made matters worse and I even contemplated going back just to grab my cell phone. But I didn’t. Instead I continued on my path, slowly taking the creaking steps one at a time.

I didn’t really recognize my house anymore and, as I looked around, I wondered if it was always as lifeless as this. I shook my head at the thought and sauntered into the kitchen like a ghost, knowing the reason behind it all. Cass wasn’t in the living room, making a mess on the coffee table with all of her stamp sheets and tea mugs. She wasn’t in the backyard, trying to get a better tan to show off for when she went swimming with Nick. She wasn’t upstairs killing the phone with her constant jabber as Nick listened on the other line. She wasn’t with me at the park or whining that we were spending too much time in the library. She was nowhere and it was almost as if Cass didn’t exist. But she was also everywhere at the same time.

I wondered why my thoughts revolved around her so much, why I was so eager to have her back. Not only was she my sister, but she was my lifeline. Without Cass, nothing was normal. Without Cass, I was alone. I remembered the year my parents split. They had fought the whole week Cass was at some cheering convention. She left me then too. She left me to listen to the constant bickering and the unforgettable names. I had locked myself in my room and cried, wondering why they had to scream so loud when all I asked was if I could go to the park. Dad wanted to take me, but mom disagreed and said that Cass was better at watching me than he was. It was like she cared, but she didn’t. She wanted an excuse to bring her perfect daughter into the subject; she wanted to have another reason that Cass was so amazing.

She didn’t know that Cass never watched me when we went to the park. She didn’t know that Nick tagged along, that Nick was the one who yelled a “look out” when some kid threw a football at my head. She was concerned, though, and I had to give her that.

Mom also didn’t know that she used dad’s credit card to buy me the trampoline that I wanted. She yelled at dad for spoiling me when Cass had gotten a new wardrobe that same day.

I brought my thoughts back to the week my parents had yelled the loudest, the week that my dad had let it all out.

“You’re just a controlling bitch,” he said. All I could remember her doing is screaming nonsense words at him. “I’ve found someone else,” he said. “I love her,” he said. He said, he said, he said. Mom never said, though. Mom only screamed and complained and, if you were lucky enough, she cried. I knew she cared about dad and I knew he cared about her, but it wasn’t love. It wasn’t the love I believed in, if I believed in love at all. “And if the kids want to, they can come live with me,” he said.

Mom never let us want to.

I exhaled shakily and brushed my hair away from my sticky forehead. Grabbing a juice out of the fridge, I turned the radio on and smiled as The Beatles played through the oldies station. Hopping onto the counter, I allowed the heels of my feet to bang against the doors lightly, the sound blending in with the music and my hums. Listening to the radio always reminded me of when I was three, when mom and dad were happy and when Cass was my big sister instead of a perfect stranger. It reminded me of all the good things and when the static came on, I could just picture my dad beating the radio until the music flowed through again. It made me wonder if he were listening to the same station.

I smiled to myself and shut my eyes. My fingers idly played with the cap on the juice and the blanket around my shoulder began to slip off with my constant movements. I could feel the sunlight beating down on my skin through the open window behind me and I sighed in what could have been contentment, if it weren’t for the numbing throughout my whole body. It had gotten better, the bruises fading already, but there was an odd pain that sat in the back of my chest and it ate at the back of my mind. It was like being in a boat far out to sea. You can’t just stop and beg to go back on land. You can’t go back to something that isn’t there. I couldn’t stop my mother’s temper and I couldn’t beg her to forgive me for being less than perfect, less than Cass. I couldn’t go back to the old times when I was considered to be a cute and charming little baby; in my mind, cute and charming never existed with the name Julissa Lane and it never would.

A loud slam sounded suddenly and I jumped, my hand sliding out to hit the stereo in a panic. I slid off the counter and prayed it wasn’t my mother as footsteps began to pound against the floor. They squeaked though and I furrowed my eyebrows, not bothering to pick up the blanket as it slid onto the floor.

“Julissa!” Nick’s soft voice called suddenly, the sound alert. I sucked in a breath and took a step forward, pausing when he stopped by the archway. His eyes were wide as he held the phone in his hand, his face holding a mixture of emotions, and I wondered what was going on. “Jules…” he trailed off after a moment, his bottom lip being held between his teeth as his suddenly pained eyes rolled over me. I didn’t have time to grab the blanket and cover up my disgusting self. He sighed heavily and stormed into the kitchen, his body suddenly inches from mine.

“W-what?” I asked shakily, trying not to breathe in his scent. It was hard and I felt dizzy as my eyes darted around his perfect face, so close to me.

“Cass called me,” he breathed, his eyes dancing around my face, waiting for some sort of reaction. I was still trying to take in his words.

Part of me was happy, excited that she was okay and contacting someone. But part of me, that stupid part yet again, felt bitter and wondered if Nick was ready to crawl to her and take her back with open arms. It didn’t matter to me though. I didn’t care.

I tried not to anyway.

“She’s okay,” he went on slowly after a moment of silence. He eyes me carefully, his fingers curling around the hem of his shirt.

“What’d she say?” I whispered, meeting his gaze again.

“She’s trying to come back here,” he murmured, his thin eyebrows knitting together in concentration. I nodded slowly, taking in his words. Cass was trying to come home. “She said she called you, but your phone was cut off…” he trailed off suddenly, his eyes still connected with mine. I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head; that wasn’t possible. I just had it yesterday. But there were other things to worry about.

“Where is she? Did she say where she is?” I asked quickly, my voice thicker than I thought.

“No,” he sighed, pursing his lips. His eyes darted around the kitchen suddenly and I took the time to actually look around. It was a mess; dishes piled the sink, papers scattered the table. I felt embarrassed suddenly, I felt like Nick was too perfect to see something so trashed. But it wasn’t my responsibility maybe it was; maybe I had to clean this up before she got home. “Are you okay?” he whispered, his tone so soft that it made my heart flutter. But I didn’t need him to check up on me. I didn’t need someone to constantly check on me as if I were helpless.

“I’m fine,” I snapped, my eyes locking his, but my tone didn’t faze him. “And I don’t need you constantly checking. I was fine yesterday and I’m fine today.”

“I just worry about you Jules,” he said smoothly, his eyes narrowing.

“Well don’t.” I took a moment to look at him, to take him in fully. I didn’t understand how something so beautiful could have such a big heart. But I didn’t want him to feel like he owed me something just because no one else was willing to give it to me. “I’m not a lost cause.”

I took a moment to breathe as his facial expression changed, his lips parting as if he had just realized something that was unknown to me. I glanced over at the clock and swallowed hard, quickly turning away from him to face the sink. I had heard the car drive away around an hour ago; she could be back any time. Shoving my hands into the pile of dishes, I grabbed a few as quick as I could and turned the water on, not realizing how or why I was shaking suddenly.

“Julissa, you aren’t a lost cause,” he tried with a sigh. I tried to pay no mind to him and wash up the dishes, but my hands weren’t cooperating with my mind. I needed to go faster if I wanted to get this done. When I didn’t answer, he continued. “Can’t you just accept the fact that maybe someone wants to be there for you? To help you?”

I couldn’t tell him no and that I had always had to do things on my own. I couldn’t lie to myself and say that I had taught myself everything because I hadn’t. Dad taught me how to ride a bike and how to memorize the alphabet and how to tie my shoes. My taught me how to cook and how to use the bathroom. Joe taught me how to throw a football. Cass taught me how to coordinate colors and how to put on make-up. But I taught myself to be strong. I didn’t need to recite the alphabet or stop and make sure my underwear matched my bra for a “just in case” moment when my heart was pounding and tears poured out of my eyes because it felt like I was getting beaten with a baseball bat. What I needed to do was stay strong. I’d always have to stay strong…

Unless I had someone to lean on.

I quickly shook my head and proceeded to scrub the dish with all my might. I tried to focus on my breathing rather than the fact that I was slowly losing it.

“Julissa, are you listening to me?” Nick finally asked, no doubt tired of waiting for any new response from me. I ducked my head down and dropped the plate onto the counter, quickly digging my hand back in the pile. The items clanked together loudly and I feared I might break something, but I couldn’t find the will to care. It was like I couldn’t stop my rapid moving, like I felt I had to get this done because I didn’t want her to be upset.

Because I didn’t want her to-

“Julissa,” Nick spoke seriously. I could hear his footsteps as he stepped towards me, but I couldn’t look. I only moved faster, dropping the plate and grabbing the next one with a shaky breath. “Jules. Jules, stop,” he said softly, his fingertips gently rolling over my shoulder. I could feel my body tense up and I shut my eyes, quickly grabbing the next item like I was on the clock and being watched by her. “Stop,” he said a little louder, trying to gain my attention, but I couldn’t help it. I jumped and let out a gasp, the plate slipping through my hands and into the sink with a loud clatter. I stared at the shards for a moment before grabbing to pick them up, but his hand stopped me. “Julissa, stop!” he ordered, yanking on my arm.

I didn’t know why, but my first instinct was to lift my free arm up and block my face, a whimper escaping my lips. I didn’t know why my hand balled up into a fist or why my bottom lip was quivering and my eyes were tearing up.

“Jules…” he whispered sympathetically, his voice coming out in a slow sigh. It sent shivers down my back and I knocked all thoughts of him whispering my name elsewhere out of my hormonal mind. And then I yanked my arm away with anger that wasn’t meant for him.

“You should leave,” I said through gritted teeth. I began to spin back around when his hand gripped my arm again, his fingers pressing lightly into the unharmed skin.

“Why?” he breathed, tugging me back around. I had to steady myself, careful not to fall into his chest. He stared down at me with wide, hopeful eyes. I disregarded them.

“Go away Nick,” I gulped, trying to free myself again. I bit my lip as his grip only tightened, his features changing slowly. He was determined now.

“Don’t push me away Julissa,” he murmured, his tone almost warning. I darted my eyes between his, sucking in a breath. I tried to appear strong, to feel strong, but it was useless. Ducking my head down, I allowed my hair to fall around my face like its usual curtain, locking my eyes on his worn converse as he held me still. I couldn’t help but let the breath fall from my lips shakily as his other hand moved forward, gripping my chin gently. He urged my head up, his fiery eyes locking with mine. They held a comfort and a truthfulness that I had never known before. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Those four words made me just want to wrap my arms around him and confess everything and anything I had to say. But I didn’t; I couldn’t. I darted my eyes down to his plain blue V-neck.

“I have to finish,” I blurted suddenly, finding myself slipping away from him. He let me go this time, but his eyes were burning into my back. I took that step forward and grabbed the dish, ignoring the shards that hadn’t fallen down the drain, and began to scrub furiously again.

“Why?” he repeated, and I didn’t know how to respond. I continued to scrub, wishing all my worries and problems were the stains on the plate and that they’d just wash away all together. “Why?” he asked again, his voice stressed. I noticed his presence beside me now, his scent making me feel dizzy and warm again. I just wanted him to hold me. I didn’t want to be pathetic.

“Why what Nick?” I grumbled, my voice rising with irritation. He stayed calm and determined though, his face unchanging as I glanced out of the corner of my eye.

“Why were you so afraid of me a second ago? Did you think I was going to hit you?” he asked breathily, his concern showing through. I tensed up, the aches washing over my body again, and I scrubbed the plate even harder. I could see scratch marks begin to rise. “Jules, I would never hurt you.” his voice was so sincere; I wanted to melt.

“I know that,” I breathed, hoping he’d just go away. I couldn’t bear looking at his innocent face.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” I spat out again, glancing in his direction while still scrubbing the plate. I gulped.

“Stop,” he pleaded, shifting his body closer to mine. His chocolate eyes begged me for something I didn’t understand. He leaned forward and grabbed my wrists, halting the movements. His hand engulfed mine warmly, the sound of the water disappearing as my heartbeat took over. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I stared at him in awe, his eyes never leaving mine as his fingers curled around my hand, gently prying it off the dish. It clinked as he set it in the clean pile, his hands dropping from my wrists to settle on the edge of the counter. “Why are you washing dishes? You hate it.”

I hated how he knew me when I had barely ever spoken a word to him before. He analyzed things, took them in and stored them until he needed them. He listened to what people said with few comments and decided to decipher them in his own way. He was too much and I couldn’t handle it.

I didn’t want to handle it.

I wanted to let him take full control of me and make everything better.

“I-I have to,” I whispered, not quite sure why I was saying this, or why I was even doing the damn dishes.

And then I remembered: mom.

“Why do you have to Julissa?” he asked so softly while he tilted his head, his soft, silky curls swaying with his movement. “Because you’re afraid?” he inquired, his voice a velvet whisper. I stared at him with a blank face, my eyes becoming hazy, but he was still so clear. “Because you don’t want her to hit you?”

“Go,” I stated bluntly, my voice strained. He refused though. I didn’t know Nick was so persistent.

“Is that why? Julissa, tell somebody-”

“No!” I yelled. I felt like a child having a tantrum and I almost stomped my foot. “This isn’t your place! You don’t get to tell me what to do because-”

“Why?” he cut me off, a fire in his eyes flickering. I never thought I would ever argue with Nick. I never thought I’d see him angry. But he was human; A godly human. “Because you already have someone making you do something? Because you’re afraid? I don’t get to tell you what to do, but you can let someone show you?” he almost roared, though his voice still managed to hold that soft hint.

“Just shut up Nick,” I said flatly, my breathing slowly becoming erratic. “You just don’t get it!”

“I don’t get what Julissa?” he said softly, his voice prodding. “You wanna’ know what I don’t get? I don’t get how you can let your own mother hit you and not do anything about it.”

“Because I deserve it!” I screamed suddenly, unsure of how the air busted through my lungs. I could feel my body begin to shake and that familiar aching in my heart started up. He stared at me in pure shock, his eyes dark as he knitted his eyebrows together. “I deserve everything I get!” I gasped, my words slurring together while I tried to calm my silent cries just waiting to bust through the thin wall I patched up.

Nick wanted to build a new one and I didn’t know if I could stand one so strong. I knew I wanted it though.

“I’m not perfect like Cass; I’m not anything! And I don’t have a real family or a real life. And I’m just an awkward and stupid girl who can’t even think for herself because she has to let her sister’s boyfriend step in and be heroic, some knight in shining armor. I deserve everything I get because I’m worthless and I’ll never be good enough.”

I let myself fall backwards and wince as the counter hit my back, but I shut my eyes while I slid down. I couldn’t control my sudden sobs as I buried my face into my arms, pulling my knees as far as I could towards my chest.

“What are you not good enough for?” he whispered delicately.

For you.

I didn’t answer though and continued to cry instead, completely ignoring him as he leaned down in front of me. His hands were shaking as they gripped my cheeks, ignoring the hair that tangled between his fingers. He pried my head up but I turned away, wincing as his fingers mashed against my bruises.

“I’m so sorry Julissa,” he whispered, his voice serious and gentle. “So, so sorry.” He kept repeating that to me, his hands dropping down to my jaw. I knew he was apologizing for getting angry at me, for hurting me, for everything that happened to me. But it didn’t change anything.

“Ju-st g-go,” I hiccupped, turning away from him, but he decided to be clingy. He gripped my face again, gently this time, and forced me to look into his soft, caring eyes. I’d go as far as to say they were loving, but I was delusional.

I was a wreck.

“Don’t ever think that you need to be like Cass to be good enough for anyone or anything. You’re special Julissa. Can‘t you see that I…” he trailed off, struggling with words. I didn’t know why I felt so drawn to him now, so attracted to him as his face twisted with his struggle. His thumbs twitched against my skin, his warmth sending me a sort of lulling comfort, and I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him. “You don’t deserve this and I think that--excuse me--you’re being stupid for thinking that.

“Do you realize what this is doing to you? How much it’s really affecting you? Don’t you realize that you don’t have to be scared if you’d just listen-”

“Please,” I begged, shutting my eyes. “This isn’t doing anything more than bruising me. I can take care of myself and I just… I need to be alone right now.”

It took him a moment before he released my face with a sigh and stood, his figure lingering for a moment. I was fine. This wasn’t bothering me.

That’s what I told myself.

I was normal and I could handle it.

That’s what I told myself.

I didn’t need Nick.

That’s how I lied to myself.

I heard him retreat after a moment, the door shutting with a small click. I was alone again, the clock ticking endlessly, and I already missed Nick’s presence. I missed his scent, his warmth; I missed him. It wasn’t normal for me to want him or need him, or even like him so much. It wasn’t normal to feel empty without Cass around because I had depended on her so much, even when I was being independent. The only way I could be normal was to be alone.

I didn’t know if I could handle that though.

[T I M E]

When you have moments to yourself you forget about what could happen, what made you upset in the first place. When you stand by the sink and let the water run, you realize that time passes by quicker than you expected and that each second counts for something.

And then you wonder what you could do to make it better.

I shut the faucet off slowly and glanced at the pile of clean dishes, leaving them there as my mind flickered to my phone. It had been shut off? But why? The papers on the table caught my eye suddenly and I licked my dry lips, taking a few steps closer. A few open envelopes sat on top of the piles, the papers sitting still in the warm house. I lifted my hand and grabbed the first three, slowly unfolding them from each other. It was one of those perfect moments as my eyes scanned the page, realization hitting me.

My phone had been cut off. She didn’t pay the bills.

And although I should’ve been angry… it made me wonder what else she hadn’t been paying.

Setting the papers down carefully, I picked up the next few, slowly scanning and analyzing what I could. The dates were old. Shuffling through the top layers I found one that caught my interest. I narrowed my eyes and grabbed the paper, allowing my eyes to scan the words, and it suddenly made sense; all the calls from the bill collectors.

I hadn’t been paying attention to the sound of the car pulling up or the slam of the door. I hadn’t even heard the footsteps in my oblivion, but I did hear my mother’s voice.

“What are you doing?