Take Me There

It took me a moment to fully understand that my mother was right in front of me, her face like stone. Her eyes were narrowed and her thin lips were twisted down into a frown, showing the wrinkles she had recently acquired. It was hard to believe that this was my mother. She used to be a woman of smiles, her nagging being her only downfall, but now she seemed scary to me. When I looked into her eyes… I didn’t see my mother. When I looked into her eyes I saw a lost soul, and I wondered if I would ever be that way.

“What are you doing?” she repeated, her voice rising. She took a few steps forward and I took one back, bumping into the table. Taking one last glance at the paper in hand, I let it drop to the pile, my eyes never leaving her face. “Julissa-” she started, almost snarling at me.

“Nothing,” I spat out quickly, my eyes wide, my chest heaving. “I… I was just,’ I tried, but I couldn’t form a real sentence. She didn’t wait for one.

She almost charged at me, her heels clicking against the floor as she stomped, and I closed my eyes before her palm even slid across my face with that sound of a slap. I winced.

“You have no business going through my stuff!” her breath fanned across my face as she shouted. I could smell alcohol. Wasn’t it too early for that? I glanced at the clock slowly, the number 1 jumping out at me. I clenched my jaw as her hand suddenly gripped it, forcing me to look at her. It wasn’t gentle like when Nick did it. Her hard eyes bore into mine, not caring that I was scared like Nick had. Her grip only tightened.

“The house,” I choked out. It was the time for me to want to cry, the time where those tears started from fear of hurt. My mind was protected, but my heart was telling me that this wasn’t normal. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I was scared and the only person I could admit that to was myself.

“What did you read?” she demanded, though her eyes were suddenly frightened. And then I knew. I knew she wasn’t heartless; she was my mother and without her perfect Cass… she was nothing.

I was nothing.

“Why, mom?” I whispered, shoving her hand away with whatever courage I had. “Why would you do that?”

“Do what?” she hissed, though she wasn’t as strong with her words. I didn’t need to cry anymore.

“How could you go to work and not pay for the house? They’ve been sending you bills… calling…” I couldn’t find the words to express how confused I was. I didn’t know what would happen; I had no clue about what this meant. Did she have a problem? Was she okay? Why was she throwing away her money? I didn’t understand at that moment why I cared so much about her instead of where we would live. It wasn’t until later that I realized how much I truly needed someone.

That someone wasn’t mom or dad; that someone wasn’t even Cass. I shuddered at just the thought.

“You have no business-”

“Where will we go now mom? Huh?” I challenged, unable to control the volume or intensity of my voice. I was… angry. I threw my hands up, my fingers curling up until I had fists, and my heart drummed against my ribcage quickly; the pitter-patter was softer though, the fear I had before now gone as I stared at her still figure. “Why don’t you tell me that you’ve been spending all your money on alcohol? Huh?”

She hit me. She slapped me right across the face, but I couldn’t feel the sting anymore. I was beyond that.

“What are you? You’re… you’re living it up, right? Partying all night because your husband left you for another woman!”

She slapped me again. I didn’t pay attention to the growing anger on her face; I was too busy analyzing the way the blood pumped through my veins, the way my vision became blurry with a mixture of emotions.

“Drinking away your problems because, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t be perfect!”

And there it was again.

“You wanna’ feel like you’ve done nothing wrong instead of caring about where your daughter is!” My voice was strained, haggard as I tried to see through my teary eyes. I could see her hand coming at my face again, like a movie on slow motion, but I was set to pause. Her fingernails scratched against my face as my head turned from the impact, and I could feel the skin being cut open. But I couldn’t stop. “Oh, poor you, mom! Are you angry at yourself for driving your perfect Cass away?

Again; the sound echoed through the room sickeningly, making my stomach churn as my lungs begged for air.

“Well guess what!” I shouted, my body standing unmoving as she quivered before me. I could see what I was doing to her, to myself; I couldn’t stop… id didn’t want to stop. I needed this. And then I whispered, my voice still hard and choked up: “You can’t control me… not like Cass. I won’t let you.”

And that was it.

Her hand made contact with my neck suddenly, her fingers twisting tighter and tighter until my throat burned. I gasped for air, my eyes leaking water droplets, the salty tears stinging the cuts on my cheek. I could feel the numbness now as the air locked inside me, unable to escape. I could feel the aching and the stinging and I couldn’t do anything about it. My body was suddenly thrust forward, my back hitting the counters edge with a strangled cry, and I shut my eyes to allow the pain it’s time.

But mom didn’t understand time like I did. To her, time was insignificant. Time was what was used to make yourself pretty, to practice your cheer routines, and to throw parties because you were so perfect at the beauty pageant. Time was the companion to money, and with time a hangover subsided. Time meant that people could leave and not come back; like dad, like Cass.

But to mom, time had no real meaning.

I knew time… like the back of my hand. Time and fate, fate and time. Time allowed you to wonder and to think, to feel and to keep. Time was what kept you alive, what kept you going. With time came hurt, with time came heal, and with time… answers were always flying by. I would feel the pain now, the pain of her pushing me to the ground and kicking me like she had before. Time allowed me the pain physically and emotionally as she screamed at the top of her lungs, not bothering to watch me as I struggled and cried, but time also allowed me to heal.

When the time came, I would be okay. But right now… right now was the first step of time, the first step of my life without Cass. Although I missed her, I knew she wouldn’t walk through that door and announce her presence. I didn’t know when Cass would come back. Mom wouldn’t disappear and neither would the pain. I was on my own.

I would almost say that time was on her side for now, but I knew better. I knew I had Nick, and that was better than any second in the world.

Her foot continued its contact with my sides, her sharp heel scraping across my arm, cutting me like a razor blade. Her fists pounded on me like I was some pillow, her cries sounding as if she were a bomb someone set off.

That someone was me.

And although I was crying… I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. I couldn’t feel anything but the burning in my chest, the extra pang in my heart, and I didn’t know how much more of this numbness I could take. I didn’t hear any words; I didn’t even hear any footsteps when it was over. I lied there, balled up like a dog, and I cried. It wasn’t unnatural, but the way everything began to wash over me at that instant was. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, but I had done it myself. I gave her a reason; I couldn’t complain.

The floor was cool beneath me and it calmed all the aches. I could feel my tears collecting into a small puddle just underneath my cheek, or maybe it was blood. I didn’t open my eyes. My lips quivered and I suddenly felt so angry at myself, so foolish and pained. I screamed. I screamed like my mother had, but my breathing was more labored and my unintelligible words were choked up. But I screamed and thrashed, not caring when my legs banged against the side of the counter, only creating further pain for me.

I was stupid. I was insane. I was alone…

And even though I could hear myself crying and making all the noise I possibly could because I was so enraged, everything seemed silent. I had no idea what I wanted now.

[T I M E]

Somehow, after what seemed like hours of lying on the floor alone, I had managed to drag myself up the steps. I crawled, wincing every time I had to lift farther up. It seemed to stretch on forever, but I finally reached the hall. All the lights were off and the sky was slowly darkening. The house was deathly silent and I willed myself not to cry because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear Cass’s voice while she talked on the phone or her laugh when she saw some new show on TV. I wanted to make fun of her for drinking tea and messing with her stamp collection when no one was around.

I wanted to tell her that I was crazy about her boyfriend and that I wished she would jump off the face of the earth for hurting him, for hurting us.

But most importantly, I wanted to tell her I loved her, because I did, and because I didn’t know who else would say it back. I wanted to hug and her beg her to let me know it would all go away, that I could be okay. But even I couldn’t fall asleep and dream about her saying those things to me. Even perfect Cass didn’t know all the answers.

I reached my room and managed to stand, the pain coursing through me at that instant. I was able to ignore it though, ignore that along with the sudden buzzing of my cell phone on the nightstand. I closed the door behind me and made my way towards the buzzing phone, glancing down to see the screen flashing with multiple calls. None of the numbers were unfamiliar, none of them were Cass, but they were all from… Nick. Every buzz within the next ten minutes was from Nick, and I had to will myself not to pick it up. I didn’t want to talk to him. I couldn’t talk to him. He was right.

I was afraid. And now I was hurt.

I edged myself onto the bed after trying to get my circulation back, my eyes shutting tight once I felt the pillow beneath my head. I could feel the light breeze entering my room through the window, the faint sounds of the evening blending in with the now faint buzzing. My body was on fire, my eyes dry and my skin numb. I wanted so badly just to be lost like Cass, to be off on some fun vacation, but then I knew that wasn’t the case. He was hurting her like mom was hurting me: we both couldn’t get away. It was almost a twisted comfort to know I wasn’t suffering alone. But it drove me insane.

My heart gave a jolt out of nowhere and my eyes flew open, my legs flinging over the side of the bed painfully, but without a thought. I found myself standing and, within a matter of seconds, I was hobbling to the door. Too many thoughts crossed my mind but none stuck until I realized I was making my way down the stairs, my knuckles turning white as I clutched the railing for dear life. The room was hot and the answer machine buzzed, but I continued forward, unable to stop myself.

My shaking hand gripped the doorknob and my arm used any muscle that wasn’t sore to fling the door open. Cool air hit my face and I took the moment to breathe, filling my burning lungs up fully before letting it all back out. I slammed the door behind me as my legs stretched forward, the burning sensations becoming nothing but numbness again as I all but ran forward and down the driveway.

Her car was gone, along with the Jonas’… except for Nick’s mustang. I gulped.

The sky was light and I focused on the fading clouds while my bare feet slapped against the hot street, but I soon met cool grass; the blades tickled my feet. I almost rushed forward and, before I knew it, my fist was pounding on the door like some mad person.

I really was going crazy.

Before I could pound any harder the door flung open to reveal a wide-eyed Nick. His curls looked damp and his white t-shirt held a few water droplets, clinging to his chest in some places. I didn’t know if it was the surprise of me banging on his door, or just the overall shock to see me in general, but his full lips parted and he almost stumbled backwards. It was then I realized I was crying, only because of the stinging I felt once again as the tears slid down my face for no apparent reason--I couldn’t feel, and it was then that I realized how horribly terrifying I must have looked.

“Julissa, god,” he nearly gasped, though his voice was soft and panicked. I hadn’t taken the time to look in a mirror; I couldn’t bear it.

“Nick,” I croaked, but I tried my hardest to stay composed. I wasn’t the only one breathing heavily now. “I-I’m so… stupid.”

He shook his head quickly and reached forward, ignoring my flinch to pull me inside. I struggled to keep my balance, to think straight when my head pounded with too many thoughts. But Nick stayed composed… he always stayed composed.

“What happened to you?” he breathed. I glanced up into his eyes and saw the knowing, but he wanted me to say it. He was right and I was wrong.

I was always wrong these days.

“Mom,” I breathed, shutting my eyes tight.

“Julissa, you have to do something,” he stressed. I watched with wide eyes as he placed his hands on my shoulders, his own eyes burning into mine.

“No!” I shook my head instantly, clenching my fists at my sides. “No Nick… it-it was my fault. I-”

“What?” he asked in disbelief, quickly dropping his hands off me. I held my breath. “What could you have possibly done that could cause someone to abuse you like that? No Julissa. I’m done. This is done.” He turned away from me in an instant and began to walk towards the kitchen. I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked back my tears, able to refuse.

“No! You can’t do that. You can’t just decide when you get to tell my business.” He stopped as soon as my words were heard, his body turning slowly until he was facing me again. He looked shocked.

“Julissa, what’s happening to you?” His voice was soft, pressing. I stared at him with a mixture of emotions, my chest heaving as I began to breathe again.

“What are you talking about?

He stepped towards me again, his head tilted while he eyes stayed serious. “You never used to be this way. When Cass was around-”

“You don’t get it, do you? When Cass was around I had to try to act perfect. I had to try and live up to her expectations.”

“But you don’t get it Julissa,” he laughed dryly, his eyes holding pity. I didn’t want pity; I just wanted him to listen. But he was set on giving his opinion. “You were never perfect. Not once did you ever worry about eating that third or fourth slice of pizza. Not once did you care about jumping on that exercise bike. Not once did you ever wear a dress to go out with friends or try to flirt with the guy at the coffee shop to get a free drink. Julissa, you are nowhere close to being perfect and that’s why I like you so much.”

His words were something I hadn’t processed right away, but instead spoke over them because I was so confused.

“I don’t even know why I came here,” I spat out. My hand wiped away the tears roughly, the bruises, both new and old, protesting my actions.

“Why did you come here?” His voice was strong, like he was set on getting an answer from me. I bit my lip. “Why do you come to me if you don’t care? Do you want sympathy Julissa? Because I feel for you. I feel sorry for you and I’d do anything to help you. Are you lost? Are you afraid that you’re losing it because Cass isn’t here to boss you around? I’m sorry, I truly am because Julissa… you are such a wonderful person on your own. I used to think that you were going to be this fearless person and that Cass would need you.”

And now I was broken.

I sniffled back more tears, though few still escaped, and I stared at him. I hoped he could see how torn I was, how confused and lost I had become. I was ready to beg him, but I didn’t know what exactly I wanted from Nick. He couldn’t do anything for me that I couldn’t already do for myself. He was only human… but he was more than enough.

“I’m sorry that I’m scared then.” The one thing I was good at was being bitter. I didn’t want that anymore.

“No,” he whispered, shaking his head. He took a few slow steps closer but stopped once he was just a few feet away. It reminded me of how out of reach he really was. “You can be scared, but you don’t have to be. Do something Julissa.” He was practically begging now… and I couldn’t take it.

“No,” I refused, my voice full of unneeded anger. “I’ll be fine. Just…”

“That’s your problem!” he yelled suddenly, catching me off guard. I had to tell myself that it wasn’t the same, that he wouldn’t hurt me. “You just want everything to be normal, but this Julissa… what you’re letting happen to yourself-” he paused suddenly, his voice almost choked up, and his wide eyes looked so innocent in front of me. “Jules, this isn’t normal.”

“It’s normal. It’s normal for me because I keep asking for it.” I couldn’t believe that I was laughing now; the sound was cold and sad, but it was there and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t understand the guilt I was feeling or even the hurt that wasn’t caused by anything physical. I couldn’t understand why Nick meant so much to me, yet… I was pushing him farther and farther away.

“Julissa!” he growled, gripping his curls tightly. He spun around, his harsh breath escaping as he began to pace and fidget. I felt like my body was ready to give out at any second. He spun back around suddenly, his whole expression mixed, and he began to yell at me. “Julissa, this isn’t normal! Letting your mom beat you isn’t normal!”

I was too wrapped up in him to even notice the sound of the door behind me squeaking open before he had even yelled the last part. I was sure his voice echoed through the whole house, maybe even catching the wind outside. I felt like a ghost suddenly, not even realizing that there was someone behind me until Nick’s face fled of any color, his lips parted in shock while his eyes, holding regret, stared right past me. I turned slowly, the fear that I had tried to bottle up now creeping up on me, and I came face to face with similar soft and caring eyes. Her face was blank as she stood there, any trace of her usual smile gone. Her hand was connected to Frankie’s and he didn’t bother to protest, his own face holding confusion. I blinked, but there were no tears. My eyes were dry from the shock that I felt and all I could do was stare at the woman before me.

Mrs. Jonas stared right back with a look of pure horror and confusion, the words Nick had just spoken now being planted in her brain. Her eyes danced across my face and body quickly, her lips parting just like Nick’s had when I first showed up. And then her eyes met mine. She looked so scared, but the fright wasn’t for herself - it was for me. She didn’t look disgusted when her eyes trailed over all the results of every kick and every slap and punch. She just stared like Nick had, her eyes the same. And it killed me.

I suddenly felt angry, furious as I realized my secret wasn’t one anymore. She knew and she would say something because, like Nick, she cared… and I just couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t let her care.

Jerking around suddenly, I narrowed my eyes at Nick, my heart rate escalating as he continued to stare at me, and I said the one thing I never wanted to say to him.

“I hate you.”

There was no reason for those three words to come out; they were a complete lie and I had never lied to anyone about something major before. My true feelings were the exact opposite, but at that very moment, I wanted someone to hate, and it had to be the one who truly cared about me.

His eyes darkened and his expression changed, hurt filling him completely. He had to know it wasn’t true. I couldn’t hate Nick. Nick had done nothing wrong. But he looked just as hurt by my lie as when I had told him about Cass being unfaithful.

Without another word being said, I slipped passed Mrs. Jonas and Frankie and out the door, pushing my burning legs to take me across the street and into my personal hell. I didn’t look back; I didn’t need to, to know he was staring after me.

And I was alone again. Time… help me.