Take Me There

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my name wasn’t Julissa Lane, but Julissa Jones or Julissa Smith. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were blond rather than brunette, with blue eyes instead of green and a stick figure body. Would I still be Julissa? Would Cass still exist? Maybe… no matter what I did, or who I became, I would always still be the same person because Julissa was just a name.

Were there others out there… like me? Was I the only screwed up one in this world? No. There were psychopaths and mentally ill people, but somehow I still felt alone. There were victims and people who wished that everything would be okay, but somehow I still felt alone. And then there was the boy across the street that was willing to do anything just to get me safe, and somehow… I was stupid enough to throw that away. I didn’t have to be alone, but I chose it because… because I didn’t even know.

And I wondered when time would hurry the hell up.

The house was warm, but I stayed underneath the large blanket on my bed, keeping my eyes shut as I calmed my breathing. It had been hours and my phone had buzzed continuously, not even stopping when it fell off the dresser and onto floor with a thud. I checked the screen numerous times, but the only caller was Joe and I wondered which one of them told. It didn’t matter though; I was locked away in my own little world, hiding from all the problems that had now become my life. I knew it was getting lighter now, the light from the window seeping through my blanket as it covered my body fully. I hadn’t moved all night. I didn’t know if I had expected Nick to call or not, but I hadn’t bothered to check after the tenth ring. I was okay.

There wasn’t anything to do but think, so thought about Cass and where she was, if she was okay; I thought about mom and when she would come back so I could stay out of her way; I thought about dad and how much I missed him and I thought about Joe and if it would hurt just to answer his call. But out of every thought that flashed through my head, my mind only settled on Nick and how much I needed him right now. I felt so childish, telling the one person who cared that I hated him, but there wasn’t much I could do. He either backed off or he, out of some miracle, decided that he still cared.

I guess I knew what I was hoping for.

[T I M E]

It wasn’t usual for me to watch the kids ride their bikes down the street. I had looked a few times and smiled, my mind always jumping back to the countless bike rides the five of us used to have, but now I seemed stuck in my spot. Sitting on the front step with flannel pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt in the summer time was very uncomfortable, but it was needed if I wanted to step outside. I had to cake my face with foundation and I wondered why I didn’t just go sit in the backyard… but then I remembered the house across the street--the house I was staring at now.

I recognized Frankie on his bike, his smile wide as he rode around with that same little girl he had been talking to at school. I watched them for a moment, settling on their actions. Frankie was acting just like Joe used to, showing off whatever skill Nick had taught him, but making sure to help the girl out just as Kevin used to help me. He of course had to add the Jonas smirk, something all the boys had, though each one was unique. I knew Frankie had Joe’s confidence and Kevin’s gift of blab, but he was sweet… just like Nick. He looked over his shoulder just as the girl fell with a pout, his eyes showing concern rather than amusement. He jumped off his bike and ran to her, dropping down onto the grass where she had fallen. It didn’t take me long at all to remember a similar situation.

Cass and Nick were on their bikes, yelling at each other about who could pedal faster. Kevin was sick that summer day, leaving Joe to watch over me. It was weird because we were older and Cass had Nick had just barely tried dating for the first time; he was fifteen and she was seventeen. She was starting to change more and more, but that boyish streak hadn’t left her completely. I was in my awkward stage, the one I remembered so vividly; the one Joe would never let me forget. While Cass was all about pom-poms and tutu’s, I was headed into the band t-shirt skateboarding phase. The boys had been through those two years earlier, so when Cass thought of it as weird, they stood up for me. Maybe it was because I was just a boy to them, because Nick never saw me as anything like he did with Cass.

I shook the bitter thoughts away and continued to stare at the scene happening feet away, smiling to myself as the memories flooded back. Dad had bought me a skateboard, not actually thinking I would ride it. But he supported anything I did and I never mouthed off to him in return: we were a team. It was my first day on it and Joe, being the klutz that he was, didn’t have any tips for me. Kevin was the one with the skills on the board, and even though Nick never admitted it, I knew he had tried--and succeeded--to ride as well. I remembered stepping on it, pushing myself down the street easily, though the fear of falling was the only thing on my mind. I had managed to stay upright and not fall, happy as Joe praised me endlessly, like he thought I was so cool. Dude - That’s what Joe had said.

“Julissa, that was so cool dude!” All I had done was push myself down the street and back, the cool wind whipping my face as an indication of my new-found speed. I had wobbled and tripped, but I never fell. “Nick, dude, did you see that?” Joe practically yelled; he was going through that “dude” phase, though his Joe-hawk was becoming extinct as the days passed. He still sported it then though, and he still wore that old faded t-shirt.

“See what?” Nick asked quickly, his thick curls flopping as he twisted his head. He had to push them away just so he could see.

“Nothing,” I had quickly interrupted, hopping off the board. It rolled down the sidewalk slowly, the wind tickling my skin again. Nick’s wide eyes met mine and he offered a soft smile, though it was confused, and shrugged. He turned back around towards Cass and offered the same smile, but I had always seen it as wider.

That wasn’t true. I bit my lip and watched Frankie talk to the girl who was now crying, pulling my knees up to my chest as I rested in the shade. Nick’s smile was simply that for both of us. It was only now that I realized that, but maybe I was just trying to find something that meant he could even feel remotely the same. I was pathetic.

I remembered Joe looking at me as if I were crazy before striding over to grab my board, handing it back to me. I smiled sheepishly.

“Why didn’t you show him?” he hissed, giving my shoulder a small shove. I shook my head. I could feel Cass’s eyes on me and I glanced over my shoulder, my cheeks flushing as she eyes me with a smile. She was on her bike and Nick was on his, and both of them turned towards our direction. I didn’t think much of it at first--I knew they were going to race. But I set my board down and got back on, sighing heavily as Joe allowed himself to be my balance. He told me to try a trick and then went on to explain something that Kevin had done. I was all for it; when I was with Joe, I didn’t have to worry about boys--specifically his brother--and perfect girls like Cass. I could be myself, Julissa: whatever that exactly meant.

I remembered trying to twist the board, wobbling as it began to move down the street without my permission. I put my foot down to stop, squealing as I tried to push myself back towards Joe. He laughed and turned his back, picking up my shoe that had fallen off. I wasn’t paying attention, none of us were. I saw Nick zip by suddenly and of course I had to stop, the board carrying me even though my foot was still on the ground. He hadn’t gotten far before Cass came by, her eyes wide, and before she could stop, her handle bar hit my side, pushing me forward on the board. I remember gasping with a sudden pain and I could feel my body falling forward, but the board underneath me decided to push me back. Before I could fall though, Cass gained control of her handlebar, making sure she didn’t tip over, but she swerved instead. I was hit once again. I fell forward that time, my foot kicking the board backwards, and my ankle twisted as I fell onto my side. I remembered the feeling of the burning pavement as it cut my skin, and I remembered how numb my face felt as it hit.

The pain was similar to what I had been going through lately, except it wasn’t a bike, a skateboard, or a street that was causing the pain: it was my mother.

My eyes were closed and I thought I had stopped breathing. The wind was knocked out of me and I was stuck by the sidewalk, afraid to move anything because of the pain that was jumping around me. Joe stopped laughing and I heard a bike tip over, another one skidding to a stop. And then I heard thundering footsteps, shoes pounding against the pavement as the person wearing them ran. I could smell Joe’s overwhelming scent, but it was soon followed by Nick’s mildly sweet one.

“Julissa.”

It wasn’t the voice I expected; it wasn’t Joe or Cass, but it was Nick, and he was concerned. I could hear the tiny pebbles crunch underneath his feet as he kneeled down beside me, his shadow covering my burning body. And I gasped. My eyes flew open and tears fell down my cheeks, and I choked on my cries as the tears fell. I had thought it was the worst pain at the time, thought that I would never feel anything so horrible ever again.

I was so wrong.

I felt dizzy as the memory stayed intact, though my eyes stayed connected to Frankie as he helped the little girl up. She brought her hand up and wiped the tears away, already giggling at something he was saying. It was all so carefree… like we all used to be.

I remembered feeling those warm hands on my shoulders, turning me ever so slowly, the tiny pebbles squishing into my bare arms. I continued to cry, keeping my eyes open to focus on my surroundings. Joe hovered close, his face full of panic, and he spoke as Nick continued to turn me.

“Are you supposed to do that?” I almost laughed because I remembered how frantic his voice was, how caring Joe had been for me. And I almost laughed because Nick sounded just as desperate.

“I don’t know!” he exclaimed, his voice almost squeaking. “Julissa, are you okay?” Through my tears I had managed to look up at him and into his eyes through all those bushy curls, and I felt a little better.

“Julissa! And then it was gone. Cass came running over and pulled Nick away from me, her sincere features making me feel a little guilty for mentally cussing her out. She had apologized so fiercely and told me she was a terrible sister, which I agreed to then, but I knew that wasn’t true. If anything, I was the terrible sister or having a crush on her boyfriend.

She had run into the house to tell dad while Joe plopped down next to me and told jokes, making me laugh through my tears. Nick was right next to me too, his nervous smile only making me think of how adorable he was. He had managed to pull me up some, letting me rest my head on his chest in an awkward position because of my ankle. It was weird because… even then I knew he’d be there. I just couldn’t figure out why I was pushing him away now, especially since this was so much more than some stupid childhood accident.

I hugged myself tightly and continued to watch the two kids across the street. Frankie jumped back on his bike and waited for the cute little girl, smiling happily as she began to pedal. I craned my neck to watch them pedal down the street, disappearing around the corner. They wouldn’t go far, Mrs. Jonas would have a fit if they did, but she trusted her youngest son… and I suddenly wondered why Nick wasn’t outside. My eyes trailed over the old house slowly, working my way up to the window that belonged to his bedroom. It was half hidden by a tree, but I could see that it was open, and I could see a figure sitting on the window seat. I squinted my eyes even though I knew it was Nick, and held my breath as I watched him tune his guitar aimlessly, a sullen look taking over his soft features. I continued to stare at him, hoping that he really could feel it. He slowed his actions and turned his head, his eyes scanning the cloudless summer sky for only a moment before they landed on me. I could see him sit up straight as he leaned closer to the screen covered window, his guitar sliding off his lap. Even in the distance I could tell his eyes were mixed with emotions as they locked my gaze. I wanted him to say something, wanted him to yell across the street to me, but he stayed silent and sat like a statue; I wasn’t even sure if he was blinking. I could see him bite his lip and he slid back suddenly, but I was still unable to look away. And then I saw it, the pity and hurt in his eyes. I wanted to scream suddenly, to just roll up into a ball and let everything out, but that’s all I had been doing lately.

I blinked with surprise, unable to move while I watched him stand up and shut and step away from the window. I held my breath, that stupid part of me wishing that he’d come down… but he didn’t. I sat there for five minutes, not caring that the heat was making me dizzy, and waited for him… for anything.

Nothing came. Not Cass, not mom, not Nick: no one.

My eyes closed and I sighed. I was unable to cry again because I had already wasted all my tears yesterday. I was unable to scream because it felt like my throat was clogged up. I was unable to move because now I could feel all the throbbing pains throughout my body. I couldn’t help but think back to what Nick had said just yesterday.

“Letting your mom beat you isn’t normal.”

I slapped my hands over my face and heaved a shaky breath, sitting there without a clue on what to do. Where was Mrs. Jonas? What would she do now? She didn’t let Joe get away with leaving his clothes all over--she wouldn’t let my mom get away with hitting me. It scared me though and that was hard for me to admit. What could I do? Where could I go? I had my dad, but that was… different. I missed him and I wanted to see him, I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t want to leave all this behind. What if I left and Cass came back? What could I do without her?

What could I do without her…?

My eyes settled on that familiar car suddenly and I stood, almost tripping as I hurried towards the front door. My mom stepped out of the car quickly, her walk brisk, and her tone was sharp.

“Julissa!” I froze by the door, my hand trembling as it stayed locked on the handle. I turned my head slowly, my eyes settling on her softening face. She didn’t look drunk; that was good. “Julissa, come here…” she trailed off, slowing her pace once she was closer to the door.

I backed away from the door and took my time turning to face her, swallowing the lump in my throat as I moved. As soon as I got close enough I felt her arms wrap around me, my body freezing as she hugged me. I couldn’t tell her that she was hurting me, that her arms were pushing against all the bruises she caused. She was my mother and I didn’t remember the last time I hugged her.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed, and, for a moment… I believed her. I shut my eyes tight and managed to wrap my own arms around her loosely, opening them back up in time to see Mrs. Jonas standing in her yard. She was watching us, her face wary, but then she was focused on me. I couldn’t read her expression, I could only feel the warmth in her smile, and it made me believe that things might be okay.

I had to talk to her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered again, but I couldn’t say it was okay. It wasn’t okay--she had to know that. But I took it with a sigh and managed a nod, pulling back to see her frowning.

“I, um,” I cleared my throat, stepping off the porch. “I think I’ll go visit Sam.” Mom didn’t look surprised. She didn’t know Sam and I were no longer friends, and she probably wouldn’t care anyway. I felt bad for her suddenly and I began to blame myself again. She didn’t know where her daughter was, of course she’d act out, but then Nick’s words echoed through my mind yet again: “letting your mom beat you isn’t normal.”

“Oh. Alright,” she nodded slowly, eying me carefully as I headed down the drive. She didn’t tell me not to go out in my pajamas; she knew I had to cover myself up somehow.

I turned my head as I hit the sidewalk, my eyes trailing over Mrs. Jonas before my hair made its usual curtain. She was staring out, shielding her face from the afternoon sun, waiting for Frankie to pedal his way up the street. And as I passed Nick’s window, I could see him staring out it aimlessly, the phone placed against his ear. Who was he talking to? Cass? Joe? Was he talking about me? My face flushed as his eyes locked on me for a second, but I quickly looked away. I wasn’t going to visit Sam--that was out of the question. I didn’t really know where I was going, but I knew I had to get out.

I had to be normal.

My mind was going blank as I walked, and I wondered if I were going crazy. I couldn’t understand my own emotions and thoughts… how could I expect anyone else too? Nick was just trying to help. Nick’s intentions were always good, ever since I could remember. I had memories that were daring to come back after keeping them locked away, and each one of them included Nick doing something unexpected. It was Cass’s eighteenth birthday, but he took both of us to that mini golf course. It was their 10 month anniversary--for about the fifth time--and it was also the day Joe had moved out. Instead of taking Cass to that fancy dinner like he was going to, he took us to Taco Bell. And when it was my birthday and everyone seemed to forget, he rented Sixteen Candles just to remind me that I wasn’t alone… and that he didn’t forget.

It was all the little things he did that made me fall even harder for him. It wasn’t just every curl on his head or that closed lip, and sometimes full teeth, smile; it wasn’t just those innocent chocolate eyes or that contagious musical laugh; it wasn’t just that dry sense of humor or that sweet attitude he seemed to have through everything. It wasn’t just the fact that Nick was strong, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but it was also the fact that he could be there for anyone at any time and find some way to make something right. Even if he couldn’t make you laugh like Joe could, Nick would stick by and be that shoulder to cry on.

And here I was, walking down the empty streets with all the echoing laughter from the nearby fields, kicking at rocks on a hot summer day. I had no clue what Nick was doing, or what Mrs. Jonas was going to do, and I didn’t even know what I myself would do.

And my mind still wondered to Cass.

I closed my eyes and let the wind tickle my face, sniffling back any signs of tears. I dug my hand into my pajama pocket absently and wrapped my fingers around my phone, tugging it out slowly. My eyes scanned the flashing screen as I continued to walk, turning down the old familiar path. I clicked through all the calls, Joe’s name holding more than 10 calls next to it. It was enough to make me smile, even for a second. My bare feet crunched over the damp grass of the idle field and I continued towards the second entryway to that old field behind the Jonas’ house. It seemed like just yesterday that Nick parked that truck behind here, letting me open up to him.

My toes curled around the soft grass as I came to a stop, glancing over my shoulder to see the house in the distance, the neat backyard in my sight. I could see the patio and the glass door, but no lights were on in the probably cool house. I sighed heavily and plopped myself down, shutting my eyes tight as my aching back protested to the sudden movement. My hair splayed out behind my head and to the sides of it, tickling my face along with the grass. The sun beat down on me and I pulled the sleeves to my shirt up along with my thick pant legs, inhaling the fresh scent in the air. Everything seemed silent, though it was comfortable, and I allowed myself to relax. My thoughts seemed to flush way with the pain as I laid there, only memories filling my mind now. I could see Cass and her smile, and I smiled.

I heard a faint strumming suddenly, the wind carrying the barely-there sound, and I knew who it belonged to almost instantly. I felt myself become peaceful for what seemed like the first time in weeks and I listened intently to the soft sound, wondering if it he were doing it on purpose.

And it just like that, so easily like I wished everything else could be, I found myself drifting away in the old field with only two images in my mind and, for once, I didn’t feel guilty about his face being there.