Take Me There

Sometimes you don’t understand the meaning of life until it’s over, and sometimes you don’t understand the meaning of living until it’s taken away. But there’s always that chance where your ignorance towards life and how to live it saved you the torture and the hurt of what could have been something terrible.

Unfortunately mine and Cass’s ignorance didn’t save us from much at all.

It wasn’t easy to understand what was going on between Nick and me. Was there even a something? I knew that I was reading into it too much, that I wasn’t able to control my feelings… my feelings for everything. I had to stop any contact with Nick. I had to stop going back and forth and lying to myself. Did I like him? Yes. But what could I do about it? Nothing. I had things to worry about, things that weren’t… going away.

My eyes scanned the driveway for mom’s car, but it was nowhere to be found. My shoes scraped across walkway as I reached for the door, quickly pulling myself inside the hot house. It was dark and silent, and I realized I was alone again. My throat was dry when I swallowed and I dragged myself up the stairs, thinking. There were bills that had to be paid and my phone was turned off. Why was Joe able to call me then? Mom had to have paid it, most likely as an apology, but what about the house? I couldn’t bring it up again, I wouldn’t. There were more important things to worry about still.

Where was Cass? Nick had said that she was going to try to get home. Where was she then? Was she okay? Hurt? Had he spoken to her? I found myself ready to run back down the stairs and over to his house, freezing when I realized it was just another excuse to see him. She had missed her graduation and with her gone, it felt like I wasn’t even living. I was subjected to whatever my mother wanted because she refused to believe her precious Cass could be missing. Everyone wanted to believe that everything was okay… and I was biggest culprit.

I contemplated whether or not I should call my dad, but I knew that would only lead to trouble. I wondered if calling Sam would make any difference, but I couldn’t trust her. My whole life seemed to be just a big mistake and I didn’t know how to fix it. But now I was done feeling sorry for myself or whatever it was that I was feeling. I was just… done.

My body slowed down as I entered the hallway, my mind reeling; I still had no idea what to do. It was summer. I was supposed to have plans; go to the beach with Cass, go to the movies with Cass, go to the park with Cass… I bit my lip and slowed my thoughts once I realized that everything I had planned revolved around Cass. It had never occurred to me that she might have wanted to do something else, like maybe hang out with all her graduated friends or spend her nights playing tonsil hockey with Nick. The thought made me sicker than I thought it would, but it didn’t change the fact that I was so hung up on her. She was my sister, not my life line.

I plopped myself down at the top of the steps and stared out into the dark living room, the light sunlight peeking through the curtains. I chewed on my already short nails, the black nail polish already almost all gone. Cass said her pink nail polish lasted. That was something I was going to try. And Cass-

I shut my eyes tight and ran my hands over my face, my breathing becoming uneven. My head was pounding and that chill ran up my spine. It was like I could feel something wasn’t right, like there was a whole in my chest whenever I thought of Cass. I couldn’t let there be whole. I couldn’t let there be no Cass. My face became flush and all the blood seemed to push towards the bruises, making them ache. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks but I had become so unemotional, so distant and unable to feel anything anymore. I was falling under with no chance of getting back up. I was confused, I was hurt, and I was alone, and no matter what I did, what I tried or what I thought, I knew I would never be… I would never be normal. Would I?

Letting your mom beat you isn’t normal.

But she wasn’t anymore. Mrs. Jonas talked to her and she was okay now. I was okay now. I could feel my heartbeat escalade with each passing second, my vision focusing on nothing but the darkness surrounding me. I needed to get out, to have some fun. Or maybe just… stay in. I lifted myself up slowly only to find that my legs wobbled underneath me, but I kept steady. What was wrong with me? What was I turning into? I was going crazy… just like my mother, and…

I carried myself towards the bathroom to wash all the make-up off, but I refused to look at myself. I tore the thick clothes away and left them on the floor, not caring that I was only in my underwear as I walked through the hall. I passed the jarred door, my body halting. My head turned to face the door slowly and my eyes scanned over the crack, straining to see inside, though I knew nothing had changed since I had last been in there… since she had last been in there. My toes curled over the hard floor nervously and I let the held breath out, pushing myself the rest of the way down the hall.

My room wasn’t as clean as I wanted it to be. It wasn’t painted blue or dark purple or even black. It didn’t have fuzzy chairs or animal print pillows, or padded boards filled with pictures of friends. My room was plain with a bed, a dresser, and a desk by the large window that I was lucky to have. It had a red bean bag chair in the corner and I was pretty sure my ole skate board sat underneath, and my walls weren’t covered with pictures of the friends I wish I had, but the dresser held a few photos of my dad, my mom, Cass, and me and Cass with the Jonas family.

I threw my old night shirt on and plopped myself onto my bed, scrambling to pull the cool covers over my body. I saw my phone on my nightstand and I was suddenly tempted to call Joe. The screen flashed with missed calls and I hit ‘call’ without a second thought. If I could talk to anyone I hoped it would be Joe. But Nick didn’t seem like such a bad candidate either.

“Hello?” I was familiar with Joe’s voice but it still made me jump. I used my free hand to rub my face and tightened my grip on the phone, snuggling myself farther under the covers, as if it would hide me from the world. It was doing an okay job. “Uh… hello?”

“Joe?” I blurted out quickly, biting my lip once silence followed.

“Julissa? Is that you? God… where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” His voice was so stressed, almost furious, and it took all that I had not to laugh. But once I thought of his tone and how much it sounded like my dad… I lost it. I couldn’t control my tears or gasps for air, and I couldn’t control what I was feeling because I wasn’t; I was numb and confused beyond anything. “Julissa? Julissa, what’s wrong? Why are you-?”

“I don’t know!” I gasped, my breathing ragged. I curled myself up and buried my face into my pillow, pushing the phone tighter against my ear. I could hear shuffling in the background over my own noises and he spoke again.

“Jules, calm down okay? Just… calm down for me. Is it your mom? Did she hit you again?”

“God, no!” I shouted, suddenly furious that he knew. “Is that all anyone ever thinks about now?”

“No, it’s just… I’m sorry Jules. “I knew he was, but I honestly didn’t need Joe running around, trying to act like… like a big brother. And now I felt guilty.

“I-I’m sorry,” I choked, wiping my eyes furiously. I couldn’t tell him that he wasn’t the one I wanted to talk with about my family problems. I couldn’t even admit to myself that Nick was the one I wanted to talk to.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, his voice still full of concern.

“I don’t know,” I confessed; it was hard to breathe. “I just… I don’t know Joe.”

[T I M E]

“Come on Jules! It’s your 14th birthday and you’re still into that skateboarding crap? Don’t you want to go to the mall… or the park? Don’t you want a party? Dad would throw you one-”

“Oh, come on Cass,” Nick smiled. He sauntered over to her side and draped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his side. “It’s Julissa’s birthday. Don’t you think that maybe she should spend it the way she wants?”

“But… skateboarding? This phase has been going on too long. You’re going into high school next year. Do you really think you’ll get anywhere hanging out with the skaters?”

“Hey, come on Cass… Kevin hung out with them-”

“Yeah but it was so innocent then, you know Nick?” she sighed, slouching under Nick’s half embrace. Both of their eyes settled on me and I gulped, shifting my weight.

“Umm… you’re right, I guess.” Cass was right; she was always right. Didn’t I want to be somewhere in high school? I didn’t want to be shunned by everyone, including Cass, so it was best to forget about… skateboarding.

My eyes settled on Nick’s confused face; his lips twisted down into a frown, but his eyes were soft and supportive. I looked away, biting my lip.

“Great!” she squealed, reaching forward to grab my arm. She pulled the board away and shoved it at Nick’s chest. She swiped the bangs away from my face and squished my cheeks together, her pink fingernails digging into my skin. I watched her with wide, wary eyes, allowing her to tip my head back and forth. “Hmm… I’m not sure what your color is.”

“Color?” I muttered, though it came out more like “cawar.”

“Ok, come on. We’ll go to the mall and see what we can get you.” She pulled reached over to the table that sat next to the door and scooped up the keys, twisting them around her fingers without pulling away from Nick. He held the board in his arms, his unruly curls constantly in his face.

“But, um… what about Sam, Cass?” Sam was supposed to meet me at the park. She was going to shoot hoops while I practiced my skateboarding. It was supposed to be our day to hang out, no birthday’s involved.

“She’ll understand,” Cass grinned, turning to face Nick. Cass was right. Sam would understand anything that had to do with her. She worshiped my sister. “Wanna’ come?” she asked softly, pressing her lips to Nick’s cheek. She was only an inch or so shorter than him, around the same height in heels, but he was going to get taller; that and he was going to cut his hair. His mom talked about both.

“Um, no thanks. I think I’ll go hang out with Joe before Kevin takes him to visit his college.” He gave a small smile, his eyes then landing on me. “Have fun. Happy birthday Julissa.” Instead of speaking like a normal person, all I could do was nod, my breath being taken away when he smiled. But that breath was put back into me harshly when he gave Cass a soft kiss, murmuring something to her before handing me my board and slipping out the door.

Cass took me all around the mall, forcing weird clothes into my arms and colorful things for your face into my hands. We talked about music and, after hours, we were finally able to bond on something.

“So…” she smiled brightly, her blond eyes sparkling. I shifted in the plastic chair and traced my fingers over the square table. The straw twirled in my drink as I tried to take a sip and my eyes danced over the fried hungrily; I was afraid to eat anymore in case she slapped my hand away for eating “junk.” She straightened herself up and ran her fingers through her short, blond hair, her eyes not leaving mine. “How long have you liked Joe?” I almost spit out my drink.

“What?”

“I mean - it’s okay. It’s completely awesome actually.”

“Wha-uh… who? J-Joe? I… I don’t…” I stuttered; this definitely wasn’t helping me convince her. Her smile only widened and she giggled, her reaction making my face flush.

“It’s completely okay. Seriously, Jules. Sure he’s like, what? Five years older? But you guys have always been so close and since he’s going to college soon… I was thinking that you could tell him-”

“Cass, look-” I sighed, quickly shaking my head. I blew a few strands of hair away from my face and allowed my body to slouch, ignoring a few stares as guys passed. Cass kept her smile bright.

“No, no; really! I’m thinking you should tell him though, before he goes to college. You could talk to Nick-”

“Cass!” I didn’t mean to shout--I hardly ever lost my cool--but I had to stop her now. A few people stared but she didn’t look shocked. Nothing fazed Cass. “I… don’t have a crush on Joe. He’s like a brother, nothing else.” I couldn’t tell her that Nick was the one I had a crush on.

“Oh,” she frowned, tilting her head to the side. I felt so scrutinized under her gaze. “Well… why does it seem like you’re always so close to him then? You should really consider hanging out with someone closer to your age.”

I was about to roll my eyes at her comment, wondering why she was so quick to change her mind and beliefs, but I opted against it and decided to sip on my drink instead, leaving out the lengthy “my birthday sucks” sigh. I just wanted to go home and watch a movie with dad.

It didn’t occur to me that she was trying to help, that I should’ve embraced those times with her.

My eyelids fluttered open while the morning sun splayed across my bare skin, the cover I had over me now on the floor with my phone. The dream was just a memory, one that I hadn’t cherished until now. It wasn’t anything special, just another birthday wasted, but it was time spent with Cass and that was I all was hoping for now.

I sat myself up onto my elbows and didn’t hold back my yawn. I remembered calling Joe and talking to him for hours before he had to go. He made me laugh like he used to, made me forget for a second that I was alone. He told me about all the little things he remembered. It felt like something I needed.

And then I remembered what he said. “Don’t be afraid to follow your heart.” It was s cheesy, but it was so Joe and I knew he was right. And I knew what I kind of wanted to do.

---

After jumping in the shower, I was able to wear capris, but a three-quarter sleeved shirt was necessary. I slipped on my vans and headed down the stairs, focusing my gaze on something other than Cass’s door. I didn’t hear any noises and the house was still dark despite the sun outside--mom still wasn’t home. I gripped my phone as the door slammed behind me, pulling my hair around my shoulder while my feet carried me down the drive. The only car that was across the street was the mustang. Where was my head? Before I knew it I was standing in front of the door with my fist knocking quickly. I didn’t know if Nick was even here or if he was in his room where he couldn’t hear the knock, but instead of giving up like I normally would, I pounded a little louder. It wasn’t long before I heard feet thumping down the stairs faintly, the sound of sneakers squeaking muffled.

“Julissa,” he stated, though his eyes were slightly wide with surprise. He smiled softly and dug his hand into his pocket, but neither of us spoke for a moment. I was starting to think this was a stupid idea.

“I’m, uh, sorry. I just…”

“It’s alright,” he smiled, the creases around his mouth showing. My cheeks began to burn at the simple action; I was pathetic. “You can come in… if you want.” He slid to the side, pushing open the door a little wider. I sighed and stepped forward slowly, keeping my gaze on the floor while I entered the cool house. He closed the door and followed me into the living room, lingering as I neared the couch, but I didn’t sit. I faced the wall with the TV and gripped the back of the couch, shifting my weight nervously while his gaze continued to stay focused on me.

“Umm,” I stated lamely, craning my neck to the side; I could see him through the corner of my eye. He stayed silent, waiting for me to continue. He didn’t know why I was here, especially not after yesterday… whatever yesterday actually was. I didn’t even know why I was here… well, fully. “Do…” I bit my lip. Joe’s words ran through me, making my breath hitch. Turning around fully, I stood my ground and spoke clearly. “Do you want to’ go somewhere… with me?”

He looked at me blankly for a moment, the shock slowly rolling over his features as I continued to stand there. He licked his lips almost nervously and crossed his arms loosely, trailing his eyes over me.

“You’re serious Jules?” he murmured, his voice letting me know he was caught off guard. I shut my eyes tight and swallowed, ignoring the dryness in my throat. I nodded. “I’m… I mean, I would like to, but I’m grounded.”

“I know.” I did. I knew that. But that didn’t excuse my question… did it? A sly smile suddenly appeared and he tilted his head, his eyes soft.

“Are you suggesting that I sneak out of my house with you?”

“No,” I blurted quickly, my cheeks flushing again. I could feel the bruises aching faintly. “I mean, not exactly…” He gave me a serious look, though his lips were still twisted into a smirk, and I couldn’t help but smile myself. “Okay, maybe suggesting…” His light laugh sounded through the room and I followed, quickly adverting my gaze down.

He stepped closer slowly, his arms falling to his sides, and he let off a gentle sigh; it was almost comforting. He set his hand on my shoulder but pulled it back just as quickly, awkwardly clasping it to the back of his neck.

“Let’s go then. Anywhere.” I glanced up at him and our eyes met, those butterflies forming in the pit of my stomach again.

[T I M E]

“Where exactly are we going?” Nick murmured. He glanced over at me quickly and curled his fingers tighter around the steering wheel while he shifted in his seat. We had been driving for close to twenty minutes and I didn’t have an exact place in mind until now. I found myself smiling as I glanced out the window, the street signs still familiar even though I hadn’t been here in years. Mom never took us to this side of town and Cass never mentioned it. But it held a lot of memories… for all of us.

“Turn here,” I muttered, turning my head to face him after a moment. He gave a quick nod, his expression still holding confusion, but did as I said anyway.

The car rolled easily around the corner and passed by all the old rundown houses. The sunbeams shot through the window, but a few clouds blocked the sky today. I opened my mouth to speak when the car turned, Nick’s smile reappearing; he remembered. I could see him bite his lip as he turned his head, easily maneuvering the car around the loop to park by the large old park. It looked like no one had been here for ages, but even when dad used to take the 5, and then the four of us, it wasn’t too occupied. The play structure looked dull and faded from the weather and the grass was tall, but still lush. The few trees blew with the wind and as soon as we opened the door we were hit with the warm breeze.

I stood by the door after I shut it gently, taking my time to look around. I remembered the countless times Joe had stolen my skateboard, forcing me to chase him around the loops. I remembered how Nick would tackle anyone that even touched the football when he was “in the zone.” I remembered Kevin’s constant need to have Joe climb a tree, just to see how funny it would be. And I remembered the way Cass would always push me on the swings, even though I was afraid to go too high. That stupid part of me hoped that she would jump out from behind the tree, all smiles and laughs and tell me that she was fine, that I was fine… that this was just some big nightmare that I could wake up from. I felt Nick’s hand on my shoulder and I glanced up when he gave it a squeeze, realizing that this was more than just a nightmare, it was real, and I didn’t know where Cass was.

“You remember how you used to skateboard? Before you gave it up?” he mumbled softly, a faint smile taking over his lips. All I could do was nod. “You were getting good at it too, Jules. You were doing tricks… the ones Kevin taught you.” I gave a laugh, trying to hide the fact that it was longing, and leaned into him discreetly. His hand dropped and his arm snaked around my shoulders instead, giving me a comforting squeeze. But all I could think about was how good he smelled. “Why don’t you do it anymore?”

“You have to grow up sometime, right?”

“Right,” he nodded, slowly pulling me forward. “But if it’s something you like… if it’s you-”

“But it isn’t.” I was quick to cut him off but I didn’t know if I was right. I swallowed. “I don’t know who I am.”

We stopped a few feet away from the old play structures and I glanced at his suddenly devious smile curiously. He took a step back and smiled a little wider, gesturing forward.

“I know who you are.” My eyes widened as he jumped forward suddenly, giving me just enough time to start running. I could hear him right behind me and I knew he wasn’t running at full speed--he would’ve caught me already.

I sprinted forward with a gasp, almost slipping as I rounded the big slide, ducking underneath. Our feet smashed the grass as we ran, my sudden laughter sounding as he continued the chase. It was so childish, so unlike Nick, but there were things about him that I didn’t know or understand… and I liked that.

I gasped when his arms slid around my waist, lifting me off the ground before he could trip himself. I let out a surprised squeal, not even caring that it was so unlike me, and he laughed that velvety laugh right by my ear. I leaped forward without thinking and dropped to my knees, grunting as Nick fell on top of me. I didn’t understand what I was feeling all of a sudden, so carefree and light. The wind became cool suddenly and it felt refreshing, like it blew everything bad away and let me focus on Nick.

He rolled me over quickly, holding himself above me with a slight smile. I couldn’t help but stare up at him with my heart pounding against my chest.

“You’re Julissa,” he whispered. His breath hit my lips gently, tickling them as he spoke. His eyes searched mine intensely and I almost had to look away, but I couldn’t. “Isn’t that enough?”

I was shocked to realize that I understood what he meant. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew that I had to be myself, that I had to be proud of myself because no one else would be.

“It’s not enough,” I swallowed, repeatedly blinking to rid myself of the tears. “It’s just not enough when you know you can be better.”

“But you can’t Julissa,” he cut me off quickly. He shook his head and straightened out his arms to hold himself higher above me. It didn’t help my heart rate. “You can’t be something you aren’t and if this is about Cass…” He paused when I cringed at the name, obviously understanding that not knowing about my sister was torture; I knew it hurt both of us. “When are you going to’ let yourself live? To your own standards...”

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say, right Nick? Mr. Perfect. You have… everything. You have everything.” I raised my voice and tried to sit up and push him off in the process, suddenly angry, but he wouldn’t budge. He made me back down and lean on my elbows instead.

“Since when is this about me? And since when is it okay for you to think I get everything?”

“Because you do!” My voice echoed through the park and it was then that I realized how distressed I really sounded. His face dropped before any anger could rise and he backed up some. I felt like I disappointed him.

“So that’s what you think? That I get everything handed to me?”

“That’s why you’re perfect for Cass, isn’t it?” How much more bitter could I get? He tilted his head to the side, his expression changing again.

“So every time we have a conversation you have to bring her up? Every time we spend time together you have to act like she’s here? Well, guess what, Julissa-” he said clearly, his tone fierce rather than harsh. I held my breath. “I don’t know where she is. I don’t even know if she’s safe; don’t you think that it kills me? I love her Julissa, but you never want to focus on anything but her… on us-”

“Us?” I breathed in surprise, biting my lip. Everything he just said seemed to fly out the window when the word us came out. His eyes widened and he pursed his lips, lifting one of his hands to rub over his face. I could see him gulp almost.

“I like spending time with you Julissa. It… it feels special to me.” His voice was soft and almost inaudible, like he didn’t want me to hear what he just admitted. I couldn’t believe I heard what he had just admitted. Don’t be afraid to follow your heart.

“I-I like spending time with you too.” The words that left my mouth seemed so silly and foreign to me but the smile that took over Nick’s lips was more than contagious and I found myself beginning to laugh uncontrollably; he soon joined in.

“W-what?” he breathed between laughs, both of us finding it hard to stop.

“Just… us,” I continued, shutting my eyes. “I-I mean… look at us; we run and we argue and now we’re getting along, laughing”

“This park does weird things to a person,” he chuckled, spreading his arms out beside me. He had lowered himself closer but I didn’t go back--my arms were wobbling underneath me. Just as fast as we started laughing we stopped and now we were catching our breaths. Thinking about and “us” didn’t make it easier.

What about Cass-

My thoughts were cut short when his palm was suddenly pressed against my cheek. His calloused thumb rubbed over my eyelid, the touch almost like a feather. Before I knew what was happening his eyes were locked with mine and I was feeling that unusual feeling in the pit of my stomach. He leaned forward and his lips touched mine immediately, the feeling quick to wash over me this time. It wasn’t… awkward like in the courtyard, it felt right--whatever right felt like. I kissed him back, my movements not as fast as his, but all thoughts seemed to dissolve. His lips were so soft, the kiss so delicate; it was something I didn’t know how to handle.

His hand slid from my cheek to the back of my head and he dug his fingers through my thick hair, supporting my head. Tingles shot through my body, making my toes curl and my fingers tighten in the clumps of grass. I let myself lean back, his hand protecting my head from hitting the ground. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was so nervous, so confused, so… hurt. I pushed him away suddenly, my shaky breath sounding louder than I expected. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and he leaned back again, pulling his hands away.

“We’re confused,” I muttered before he could speak, not hiding the quiver in my voice. I chewed on my lip and stared up at him, everything I knew and thought now fading away. I didn’t know who I was, where I was, or why I was even here, but I did know that all of this had to be worked out…

“Confused,” he stated dryly, holding his breath. “Yeah.”

He stood quickly and held out his hand, his face holding nothing but blankness. I had ruined this again. Everything was always my fault; I couldn’t do anything right. When my hand touched his I couldn’t help but feel those sparks, the ones I had only ever read about, and the ones that Cass had said were real.

But they’d never be real for me.

[T I M E]

The channels I flicked through held nothing of my interest. Mom had come hours before, though it was already 11pm, and I no indication of how she was mentally. I guess she was okay considering she didn’t even look my way, but I felt guilty. I felt like, if she found about the kiss… about my feelings, then I’d be an even bigger disappointment.

I shut the TV and heaved a sigh when I stood, finding that all my strength was suddenly gone. I pulled myself up the stairs and through the dark hallway, managing to find my room. I used my fingers to rub my eyes and then my temples, slowly lowering myself onto the bed. Everything was happening so fast, so it seemed. Nothing was going the way I though; I had no friends or life, my sister wasn’t anywhere to be found, my mother… abused me.

My mother abused me.

It was like a breath of fresh air to admit that to myself. It was like something being lifted off my shoulders, even if I was just admitting it myself.

Every time I tried to fall asleep I kept seeing her face. Every time my eyelids were about to droop, Cass’s bright and energetic smile decided to make an appearance. It felt like hours had passed when it had barely been minutes. I heard a loud noise suddenly, like a knocking at the door, and I wondered who was there and if my mom would even answer. I heard her footsteps though and the lights turned on one by one until she reached the bottom of the steps. The glow peaked through the crack in my door and I stood when I heard the front door creak open. It was an unfamiliar voice, the sound getting louder and deeper as I trailed down the hall. I took the stairs one at a time, quickly focusing my vision on the man at the door: he was wearing a blue uniform. Now I was confused.

“Is there a problem officer?” her muffle voice sounded. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest and stepped back, allowing him and his partner to step in. I took the rest of the steps and hovered near by, sticking towards the wall.

“Your daughter is a Miss Cassandra Lane, is that correct?” he cleared his throat, running his hands through his hair. My blood began to pump through my veins at an alarming rate, my breathing… I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing.

“Yes…” she trailed off, her voice unsure.

“There’s no real way to tell you this ma’am, but under the circumstances we’ve found your daughter-”

“But she wasn’t missing,” she quickly cut off, shaking her head violently. Of course she would say that, she didn’t know what was going on. The man looked at her, his round eyes holding sympathy, and I wasn’t ready to hear anything else.

“Mrs. Lane, is it? I’m sorry…. But we’ve found your daughter.” When she didn’t’ seem to understand, when she stared at him blankly like he hadn’t even spoken, he was forced to continue. “She’s dead.”

When you’re told things… when you hear things that you think couldn’t possibly be true, that wall or shell or some device of protection you’ve worked so hard to build up could all come crumbling down, even if someone had tried to help make it stronger. When you’re told things that aren’t probable, like your perfect sister being found dead by the police, you don’t take it in.

But I did.

I understood the words and let them echo through my mind until it felt like a hammer hitting at my skull and my heart. But all I could do was stare straight forward at my mother and take everything in as if it were slow motion. She was crying like she had emotions, crying as if she cared… but I knew she did. This was Cass. And Cass was…

My foggy eyes settled on Nick’s body as he stepped forward timidly like, he were trying to avoid shards of glass. His eyes were wide and innocent, but they held a knowing that I wish I had; it was a knowing that hurt worse than just hearing it because I couldn’t understand.

“Mrs. Lane?” Nick asked with full concern, his voice only slightly detached. The cops turned to look at him but decided to give the two room by stepping towards the wall, deciding they weren’t quite finished here. “What’s…?”

“Cass,” she managed to choke out. “She’s dead.”

After taking in Nick’s shocked expression and the way his eyes seemed to brim with tears so instantly, I knew it was true. I knew I wasn’t getting my sister back and the worst part was that… I wasn’t even feeling anything. I was numb. His eyes met mine and his lips quivered his mouth opening to speak, but that was it. I rushed forward and, in my delusional world, I would’ve jumped into his, but I ran straight passed him instead; straight passed him and my hysterical mother and the police, and I ran out the door. There was no rain like in a movie; there was no storm - just darkness. There weren’t even any tears.

“Julissa! Julissa, wait!” I recognized Nick’s voice but I didn’t stop, not even to look back. “Julissa-” His voice cracked and he was even closer than I expected. His fingers clasped around my arm and tugged me back, but I lost my footing and stumbled forward instead, landing right on my hands and knees. Nick fell forward not a second after, his body landing on top of mine

“Leave-leave me alone, get off me. Go,” I stuttered uncontrollably, everything about me shaking. He did as I said quickly but didn’t let me go, pinning me to the grass instead. I stared at him blankly, the pang in my heart only getting worse when I saw how hazy his soft eyes were, how much pain they suddenly held. But I fought back out of impulse. I kicked and pushed, trying to pull myself away from his grasp, but he wouldn’t let up.

“Julissa!” he shouted, trying his best to stay strong when I wasn’t even crying. What kind of sister was I?

“N-Nick,” I swallowed, shutting my eyes tight. “Nick.”

Sometimes you don’t understand the meaning of life until it’s over, and sometimes you don’t understand the meaning of living until it’s taken away. But there’s always that chance where your ignorance towards life and how to live it saved you the torture and the hurt of what could have been something terrible.

Unfortunately mine and Cass’s ignorance didn’t save us from much at all.

It didn’t save her from anything.