Take Me There

I remembered when there was a time that I’d have dreams. I was twelve and the same nightmare about a clown kept coming back. It wasn’t scary, the clown in general, but I didn’t like it.

I was at a circus with Cass. Mom and Dad were fighting over who got to take the twelve year old me, but Cass decided to be the hero and chaperone me. It was fun, better than I expected it to be. There were big tents everywhere with different colored stripes, and the insides held so many fun activities; face painting, cotton candy spinning, weird bearded ladies that I swore were my aunts. There were elephants prancing around and, for a moment, I was afraid they’d squash me. Cass promised that I’d be safe as long as I stayed with her and didn’t eat anything that looked strange. She bought me a corndog and a bag of cotton candy before the real show started, before everyone began to pile into the biggest tent with the red and white stripes. There were trapeze people and a guy ready to fly out of a cannonball; a short guy with a top-hat and his midget assistant; clowns… everywhere, with pies and squirt guns and monkeys and tiny little cars. They had never really scared me, but they made me feel uneasy.

When Cass led me inside the tent, she made sure I stayed close, but instead of holding my hand, she held onto her purse and a number some guy gave her: Nick and Cass were broken up for the second time, but this one seemed more official and she was set on making Nick jealous. No one had said I was too old for the circus and there were even people older than me whining to go look around and ride the elephants. I wasn’t as interested as I thought I’d be at twelve years old, and I was frightened that I would somehow get lost in the sea of people who were dressed so strangely for entertainment purposes. When Cass glanced behind her shoulder again, checking to make sure I was still following as the crowds pushed forward, she caught sight of something else. I turned as she glared and I spotted Nick and his brothers, his expression just as bored as mine. He stared back at her unhappily and sighed, trailing his eyes down to me before quickly adverting his gaze to the clowns that were passing by; Joe was grinning like a madman.

“Come on Jules,” Cass muttered, nodding towards the direction that Nick was going. I followed her carefully, glancing around while I tried to squeeze through all the passing people. It stunk in here, but I didn’t complain. I simply followed Cass.

When she reached Nick, she gave Kevin and Joe a polite greeting, ignoring him completely. He scowled. Their antics were childish, even to me, but I decided to plop myself down. It didn’t help that Cass slammed herself down next to me, still glowering at Nick as he took the seat on the other side of me. I was in the middle.

I was always in the middle.

Joe and Kevin sat in front of us, their own chatter disappearing into the many clumps of voices and sounds, but Cass and Nick stayed staring at each other. It was uncomfortable for me. Looking around the large tent, I wondered where I could go to the bathroom.

“Cass,” I murmured, but she chose that time to begin her newest argument with Nick.

“Sarah Wheeler says she saw you kissing Alicia Crowley at the movies yesterday,” she fired, her jealousy obvious no matter how hard she tried to mask it. Nick scoffed.

“Sarah told you that? And you believed her? Where’s your head Cass?” She sent him a glare and pushed her long blond hair back, tugging at the ends. “Besides, even if I was at the movies with Alicia, which I wasn’t, it’d be none of your business if I kissed her; we’re broken up, remember?” His words were icy, but Nick was never mean; he was calm and logical, trying his best not to show any emotion in the particular moment. I swallowed.

“Cass-” She interrupted me again.

“You’re right! We are broken up. So I guess it doesn’t bother you that Jake gave me his number?” she questioned with a sly smile, holding up the piece of paper. Nick’s soft brown eyes flared up and he reached out to snatch the paper, which he could’ve easily done, but dropped his hand just as fast.

“As a matter of fact, no. It doesn’t bother me that Jake gave you his number because he has a girlfriend, anyway. Good luck explaining that one to her.” It was Cass’s turn to scoff.

“Cass-”

“Why did you break up with me in the first place?”

“Because you can’t handle anything!”

“I can so handle things-”

“Cass!” I groaned, finally gaining her attention.

“What!?” she snapped, her face irritated; I gulped. My eyes darted over to Nick while my face flushed with embarrassment, but he didn’t seem bothered by my interruption. If anything he seemed apologetic for Cass snapping at me.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Go then,” she urged, pushing me forward. It didn’t bother me that she didn’t want to come, I was her twelve year old sister after all, and right now she had teenage issues to deal with… boy troubles. Nick was fourteen, she was sixteen, and I was twelve-- even I knew that I wasn’t supposed to go by myself.

I did anyway though. I climbed down the old rusty bleachers, pushing myself through the many people who huddled together. I kept my head down and allowed my hair to make a curtain around my face. I dropped down from the lowest ledge, my sneakers smashing against the dirt, creating clouds of smoke. Glancing behind my shoulder, I spotted Nick and Cass still arguing, and I sighed.

People were still coming in while I tried to get out. I managed to squeeze through, almost falling when I finally made it back out into the warm summer air. The grass around was dry and dead, and the sky above was orange, cloudless. It would be getting dark soon, most likely after the show was over, and I couldn’t wait to get home. My eyes darted around all the tents and booths, searching aimlessly for one of those disgusting boxy toilets. I wandered around for a moment, unsure of all the glances I was getting from the many people that were still outside, deciding not to see the show. The booths were filled with different types of clowns, all of them wearing a smile to mask their frowns.

I glided behind the tent with green stripes, the shadows from the inside looking long as they stretched across the dirt where I stood. The flap opened up suddenly and a clown with bright orange hair stepped out. He was tall and husky, his make-up smeared, and his gray jacket had holes in it. He wasn’t wearing gloves or funny pants, not even a red nose or big, floppy shoes; he was just… there. He stared down at me with cold eyes, his red lips pulled into a frown, and he hiccupped.

“Can I help you?” he asked with a southern accent, his knees bending as he tried to lean down. I stepped away with wide eyes, ignoring him. “You lost little miss?” he questioned as I began to walk. I could hear his feet crunch over the gravel, catching up easily. I turned around and shook my head, quickly stepping in front of the striped tent.

“I’m looking for the bathroom,” I caved, pausing for a moment. He nodded thoughtfully and offered his hand; I took it. I could feel the dirt on it as he squeezed tightly, tugging me in the direction that I was already going. I struggled to keep up, but my legs weren’t as long as his, my strides not as easy. I could hear a loud voice coming from the big tent behind me, laughs filling the air: the show was starting.

After a minute or so, the man slowed down, but I didn’t see any bathrooms. I did, however, see Nick walking forward, his face twisted with confusion. The man dropped my hand and seemed to disappear, and I wanted to call out to him, to ask him where and the heck I could go pee, but Nick had caught up rather quickly.

“Julissa, where have you been?” he asked, his tone slightly changed. I could hear the worry and I blushed.

“Looking for the bathroom.”

“You don’t go by yourself. I’m not even supposed to go by myself and I’m two years older than you. Come on, you had us all worried,” he rambled, quickly cutting himself off once he saw my expression. I hated being scolded, even if there was no yelling involved. I never did anything right. He sighed. “I know you told Cass and neither of us did anything, but you should’ve asked Joe or Kevin.”

“I don’t like bothering people,” I grumbled, doing my best to look away from him. His hand slipped into mine suddenly and I gulped, glancing up to meet his eyes.

“I understand. But Cass is your older sister and she’s supposed to watch you. “Nick hardly ever said anything bad about perfect Cass, but when he did, it felt oddly… reassuring. Like no one really was perfect, no matter what I believed. “She’s so irresponsible,” he muttered, keeping his voice low, but I heard. I heard and I wanted to laugh.

He pulled me forward quickly, leading me back towards the tent. I skidded to a stop. “What?” he asked, his body turning to face me. My cheeks burned.

“I have to go to the bathroom still.”

He didn’t give me an exasperated sigh or an eye roll. He simply turned around and led me to the right, keeping his pace slow. And he found the bathrooms just like that.

That’s where the dream stemmed from: the weirdo clown who was supposed to take me to the bathroom. In my dream, it was dark and there was no one around. Not Joe or Kevin, not Nick, and not Cass. It was just me and the clown and all we did was walk. But the farther we walked, the darker it got, and the harder it was to remember anyone… especially Cass. It was like I lost her permanently. But if I was lucky enough to sleep through the dream, it would always end with Nick coming to the rescue. It was almost like, if he hadn’t found me that day, I wouldn’t have seen Cass ever again.

And that’s what scared me.

Not the clown. Not being lost. Not being talked to be the strange man. But losing Cass.

And that’s where I was now.

My eyes were closed and I was focusing on breathing, but every time I sucked in some air I pulled Nick’s scent with it. He was hovered above me, his eyes burning into my skin. Neither of us moved for a moment, both of us trying to take in the news… it was unrealistic. I sat up quickly and almost bumped my head against his, his breath fanning across my face. He plopped himself down once he lifted off me, keeping his distance close in case I decided to run again. I had nowhere to go.

I could hear the crickets chirping and nearby cars rolling in the distance, and I could hear the policeman talking while my mother continued to cry, but I couldn’t feel anything. All I saw was fog and all I felt was numbness. Nick sat in front of me with a blank expression, his eyes watering, but his lips were set in a fine line. His jaw was clenched and I knew he refused to cry. I wondered if he would shed a few tears if I did.

I couldn’t.

I thought about Cass for a moment when I glanced up, the tiny stars seeming duller than usual, and I laughed. The sound was dry and harsh, almost choking me, but I couldn’t stop. I shut my eyes and let my body shake with laughter, continuing to gasp for air. When I opened my eyes back up, I could see Nick’s shocked face, his jaw still hard. He watched me with an expression that was unreadable, though I saw the curiosity in his dark eyes, and I laughed some more.

I had officially gone crazy, allowing myself to think any of this was real. No. I laughed and shook my head and placed my hands on my warm cheeks, shivering when the cool wind hit. This had to be one big nightmare. I’d wake up soon. I had to.

“Julissa…” Nick started with his voice low and wary. I tried to calm my laughter. “Why are you laughing?” His question was simple and it deserved an equally simple answer.

“Because, this is all just a dream,” I informed him, acting as if he were the crazy one, as if he were the one who didn’t understand. “Any minute now we’ll both wake up, and we won’t be here. I’ll be in my room and you’ll be in yours, and Cass with be in hers, and we’ll all be asleep. We’ll wake up and I’ll see her drinking that gross tea and messing with her stupid stamps. I’ll see you give her a ride to school and then I’ll watch her practice the graduation speech she worked so hard on…” The way Nick was looking at me, his expression filled with sorrow and grief, I knew what I was saying was exactly the opposite. And it was starting to sink in.

“I’ll listen to her, when we come home,” I cleared my throat, the feeling I had only moments ago now gone, replaced with dread. “I’ll listen to her talk about how amazing you are because I wouldn’t have experienced it myself.” I didn’t want that.

“Jules…” he started slowly, his voice shaking. I stared at him blankly, my words continuing.

“And then mom will come home. She won’t drink and she won’t yell. She’ll tell Cass how proud she is that she’ll be graduating and she’ll make dinner and ignore me. She won’t hit me.” I recognized the crack in my voice and Nick did too, trying to stop my talking once again.

“Julissa, please-” His voice….

“And then,” I breathed heavily, unable to control myself. I could feel the distant pang in my chest again, my body almost shaking. “And then…” I swallowed. I didn’t know what else there was. I didn’t know… anything. “And it’ll happen all over again, right? We’ll be at graduation, but we won’t talk because we’ll be too busy watching Cass. And then we’ll be at some graduation party for her and I’ll be there…And you’ll be there…” My voice stopped when my breathing became ragged, those familiar tears beginning to take over my vision. “We’ll all be there.”

“Julissa, no,” Nick sniffled, his voice hard and strained. He shook his head wildly and reached forward, but I immediately pulled back.

“No Nick. You can’t touch me, remember? When Cass is here, you don’t talk to me, you don’t touch me, and you don’t kiss me.” My voice was a mere shaky whisper, but it didn’t follow with how I was now feeling. It was… blank, empty. I could feel the pang in my chest grow stronger and my throat wanted to close up, especially when that look he gave me stayed. I wanted nothing more than to just believe what I was saying. I wanted nothing more than to just have Cass here with me, to know that I hadn’t lost her.

“No,” he repeated in a whisper. I glanced up at his face from behind my bangs and tears and darkness, and I stared, waiting for him to explain what I was obviously not understanding. “Julissa, Cass is-” he stopped, his body jerking like someone had just stabbed him. He shut his eyes tight and sat still, just breathing.

I shook my head furiously, swallowing the lump that had stuck itself right in my throat, and I choked out, “no.”

“Jules, Cass is dead.” He said those dreaded words to me, fighting to get them off his tongue and out into the open. I could see his struggle, but the words were lies.

“No,” I repeated, but it was harder than I imagined. “You’re lying!”

“Julissa, please.” He was begging now, reaching for me as he settled himself on his knees. I let out something that sounded like a strangled scream and backed away, falling back onto my butt. “Julissa-”

“Stop it,” I breathed, shutting my eyes tight. I was surprised that the tears didn’t fall, but that empty feeling had washed back over me and I didn’t know what to do. “Stop it Nick.”

“Jules, let me help you.” He was begging… again and again. I could feel him crawling closer and I took a second to think about how much I needed his help, and about how much he maybe needed mine, but I couldn’t grasp anything.

“I’m not twelve years old anymore,” I blurted out, allowing my eyelids to flutter open. He was right in front of me now, and if I reached my hand out just barely, I could touch him; I could grab his warmth. “I don’t need you to come find me when I’m lost.”

“You’re not twelve anymore,” he agreed, his voice still pained. He was trying to be strong for himself, for Cass… for me. “When are you going to stop hiding?”

I was hiding from the truth, always hiding from the truth. When I closed my eyes, I could see it. I could see the blackness and then all these tiny scribbles began to show up, a thousand sentences repeating themselves: Cass is dead, Cass is dead, Cass is dead, Cass is dead, Cass is dead, Cass is dead, Cass is dead, Cass is dead, CASS IS DEAD. No matter how many times they appeared, they never changed. When I opened my eyes, I could see Nick, and I could feel the sudden pain in my chest, almost making me double over, almost making me want to scream at the top of my lungs. But I didn’t.

Instead I kept my eyes wide and focused on Nick, his mixed expression telling me that I didn’t have to hide, that I could get through this. That I could be okay in time with him. But I remembered the countless times he had gave a similar look to Cass, though that look was happier and complete with that heartwarming smile, and I knew that it would never be true; I would never have Nick in the way I wanted. I would never have Nick at all.

But still I couldn’t control myself and I fell forward, right into Nick’s waiting arms, and I finally felt something: warmth.

It didn’t feel like I was fully awake when I opened my eyes. My head was pounding and when I breathed, everything felt dry. I stared up at the ceiling for a moment, all doubts of knowing where I was gone once I saw the dull stars on the ceiling. They weren’t glowing due to the sunlight streaming in through the opened window, but they were there…

I shut my eyes tight and ignored the sudden pang in my head, the bigger flop of my chest taking over. I tried to clear my throat, and I did, but it sounded like I was dying; I rolled my eyes. Sitting up the best I could, I managed to look around my room, not quite remembering how I got here. I remembered what happened last night. I remembered embarrassing myself in front of Nick by thinking that this was all just a dream and that Cass wasn’t really-

I couldn’t bring myself to even think that four letter word.

When I crept towards the door, I heard talking. I heard sniffling and mumbled words, and a kind voice that did not belong to my mother. I recognized that kind voice as Mrs. Jonas and I suddenly felt nervous. What if Nick was down there? What if people I didn’t know were down there? What if dad was down there?

I found myself sprinting down the hallway and stairs, all the air in my lungs gone. I froze at the bottom, skidded to a stop once I saw only three people in the room. Three people and a clock. Mom’s face was haggard and red with tear and mascara stains on her cheeks; Mrs. Jonas’ face was sympathetic and hurt, but she tried her best at comforting my mother like they were the best of friends; and then there was Nick’s face. He was expressionless as he sat on the couch, his figure slouched. He stared at the TV that wasn’t on, the only indication that he was even alive being his chest that was gently rising up and down. It had to be annoying, listening to his mother and my mother talk about… Cass.

And then there was the clock, with its second hand ticking at an impossible rate. It seemed like everything was so slow now, but I had slept through the night… and then some, making it past noon already.

“I just don’t understand. What would Cass be doing? Leaving like that… it’s so unlike her,” my mother sniffled. I cocked my head to the side and stared at her; I felt furious suddenly. Since when did she cry? Since when did she care? But this was her perfect Cass we were talking about… the perfect Cass that was no longer here. Her eyes locked mine and she squared her jaw, the coldness in her expression only directed towards me.

“Come on,” Nick murmured, his voice barely audible. The gaze on my mother was now blocked by his chest, the single dog tag hanging over his gray t-shirt. I lifted my eyes up to his face, locking with his own blank gaze for a second.

“What?” I managed, running my fingers through my unkempt hair nervously. My voice was hoarse and I was sure everyone could see the fading bruises on my face clearly because of how pale I was. But I still hadn’t cried. I still wasn’t normal.

He nodded his head to the door and before I could protest, his hand slipped into mine. The action was discreet--he was careful not to let my distraught mother see him take me away. He closed the door behind us and the warm sun instantly beat down on my skin, the air surprisingly chilly. I pulled my hand away from his reluctantly, the fire in my cheeks reappearing, and crossed my arms over my chest instead. It was only then I realized that I was still wearing my pajamas.

Nick stepped off the porch and directly into the sunlight, pushing the half sleeves to his shirt up some more. He ran a hand through his hair slowly and looked up with squinted eyes, shifting uncomfortable. I sighed.

“What’s going on in there?” My voice was dry, emotionless.

He didn’t turn around, but he did answer softly, “My mom’s trying to help your mom.”

“While she cries her eyes out?” I growled, crossing my arms tighter. He turned around slowly and caught my eye, his eyebrows knitting together.

“She’s upset Jules.”

“Oh, she’s upset!” I didn’t know where my sudden anger was coming from, but it worried me. Was I going to be like my mother? Was I only going to treat one of my kids fairly and hit the other one? Was I going to drink and cry and moan all the time? He looked a little shocked. “But that’s okay, right? It’s fine that she’s upset now, but she should really be happy for Cass. Now she doesn’t have to put up with her like I do-”

“Julissa,” he barked, his face hard. I tensed up, trying my best to shut up. “Don’t say things like that.”

“Don’t say the truth? Nick, she beats me.” The words flew out of my mouth louder than I wanted and he winced, like I had just slapped him across the face. “Or don’t you remember?” He looked down at his converse and stood still, his hands now in his pockets. I licked my dry lips and rubbed my arm, not quite sure where to look now.

“I-I know that…” he stuttered, his voice quiet. He didn’t look at me.

“It’ll only get worse,” I whispered. I focused my gaze on his house across the street and I noticed Mr. Jonas’ car parked in the driveway. He was home, most likely watching Frankie while his wife visited over here.

“It’ll get better Jules,” he murmured, his body suddenly in front of me. I had no choice but to look at him. “Just let me help you.”

It was such a simple request, one that I would love to have him fulfill, but it wasn’t right… no matter how many times I tried to tell myself otherwise.

“It’s not that simple.” We both knew that and sighed.

He leaned forward then and I immediately tensed up--whether he noticed or not was unknown because he didn’t seem to care. His eyes were focused solely on mine and those butterflies erupted, in swarms this time. It was like he was trying to see past everything, trying to see the real me, and there was no other feeling like it. His hand crept up and rested on my neck, his long fingers drifting across the sensitive skin there. His thumb rubbed up and down my jaw line so easily, almost lovingly, and I blushed. While I stood still, frozen like a statue, he leaned forward some more and rested his forehead against mine. I didn’t know what he was doing, but my heart refused to slow down and it scared me.

“None of this is right,” I blurted out, turning my whole body away. I slipped past him and made my way down the walkway, stopping once I reached the end of my drive, where the shade was. I plopped myself down and set my feet on the warm curb, burying my face into my hands. Nick came up and sat down beside me slowly, probably just as frustrated as I was.

“It’s okay to cry Julissa,” he informed me with that soft voice.

“Did you?” I glanced over at his fallen face, the pain in his eyes telling me that he did, that he could possibly break down at any second. I stared at him with too many emotions to decipher and wondered how he could cry when I couldn’t. And then I remembered that Nick and Cass were in love, that Nick and Cass were perfect together, that Nick and Cass would always be remembered. And even though Nick was falling out of love with Cass, he was still with her and he still felt for her; he always would.

“Yes,” he whispered once I looked away and up at the bright sky. The clouds seemed so fluffy and light, and I wondered how it would feel if I was that high. I needed to feel careless and free… I couldn’t feel anything. And I was angry again.

“But I can’t,” I breathed shakily, my words ending with a gasp. I could feel the tears coming on again but they refused to fall from my eyes, and I wanted to punch something. I let out a strangled cry of frustration and shut my eyes tight, hoping and praying that this was still a dream, but I had already woken up… and nothing was different. “I-I can’t cry anymore, Nick. All I ever do is cry and when it matters the most…” I shook my head furiously and continued my heavy breaths, the tightening knot in my stomach returning when he set his warm hand on my back. He rubbed comfortingly, scooting over until his body was pressed into my side. The hand that rubbed my back slid down and around until his arm locked around my waist and he was able to pull me into his chest. I had never really felt anything like this before, something that wasn’t easy to describe like pain and anger and hurt; I knew those all too well, but a comfort and a warmth…

“I don’t feel it,” I stressed, though my words were shaky. He squeezed me a little tighter and I could hear the quiver as he breathed, the sounds blending with his strong heartbeat.

“You don’t have to feel it,” he whispered, his breath hitting my ear. I tightened my muscles and brought my shoulders up, shutting my eyes tight, but he didn’t let go. “You don’t have to cry when you’re sad or hurt. There are other ways to show it.”

“But I don’t even feel that!” I tried, my voice being muffled by his shirt. I could feel him shake his head. He pulled back some and gripped my shoulders, forcing my muscles to relax. Nick’s velvet eyes connected with mine, and the look in them said he knew otherwise.

“You’ll feel it when you’re ready,” he said strongly, his voice clearer. His eyes trailed down for a moment and he lifted one of his hands from my shoulder, gently placing it over my heart. It leapt uncontrollably when he did so and I tried my best not to overreact, but I had never been this close to anyone before. His eyes met mine again and they held a hint of a smile this time, the corners of his full lips twisted up. “In here-” he patted the spot over my heart, his fingertips grazing my skin, “you’ll feel it. And when you do, I’ll be here.” It was a simple thing to say and the meaning behind it wasn’t anything more than friendliness, but I felt the need to know he meant it.

“Promise?” I questioned childishly, looking up at him from behind my bangs. His face was so clear, so warm and handsome; handsome had nothing to do with it, but it was impossible for me not to notice.

“I promise,” he said clearly, keeping his hand on my shoulder. If I was anyone else, I would’ve kissed him. If I was sane, I would’ve asked him to kiss me. But I wasn’t anyone else, nor was I sane, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but rest my head on his shoulder and stare up at the sky. It was so bright and beautiful, so different than how I felt. I wanted to know if Cass was up there, if she was looking down at me with a smile… or a frown for hugging her boyfriend.

I pulled away from his comforting grasp immediately and looked down guiltily, curling into a ball without falling over. Nick didn’t say anything because he knew better with me, and because this action wasn’t strange when he was trying to help me. He sat there and continued to stare up at the sky, probably thinking about perfect Cass instead, his perfect Cass.

I heard the door open suddenly and we both turned around, our eyes focusing on Mrs. Jonas and my mom. Mrs. Jonas carefully made her way towards us, her eyes settling on me with a soft smile. My mother drug herself to the car, not even bothering to pay attention to me.

“The police want to ask her some questions…” she started and my eyes darted over to her soft face, “I didn’t think you’d want to go.” She was right; I didn’t want to go.

I turned back around and squinted, biting my lip as Nick’s arm wrapped around my waist, sliding me farther over so the car didn’t hit me as she backed out. It didn’t take her long to disappear around the corner, but Nick took his time releasing me from his grip. “You can come over Julissa, anytime,” she informed me, her tone reassuring.

“Thanks,” I breathed, slipping away from Nick to stand. I stared down at his unfazed face for a moment and sighed, flickering my eyes back onto his mother. “But I think I’ll just… go inside.” She nodded with understanding and told Nick to follow her; he was still grounded. He obeyed without a sound and followed his mother across the street, turning around once to look back at me. I saw something in his eyes that I didn’t recognize and I wondered if he was going to cry again.

I couldn’t.

I remembered the time I had dreams again. I remembered the clown and Nick coming to save me, and then I remembered the look on Cass’s face when I appeared by Nick’s side. She looked so relieved as she pushed through the crowds of people, not caring if she knocked any popcorn buckets over. She picked me up with a grunt and held me to her, leaving my feet to dangle off the ground. I didn’t know how she managed to pick up a twelve year old, especially considering how unusual she was for someone into athletics, but she did and she wouldn’t let go.

“Julissa, I was afraid I lost you,” she breathed, and I swore I could feel wetness on her cheek. I tried to pull away but she wouldn’t let me, hugging me close and saying how horrible she felt. There wasn’t any harm done, especially since had come to look for me.

I didn’t tell her that it was okay or that I was fine, and I didn’t tell her how I was afraid that I had lost her.

I wish I could tell her now.