Take Me There

Time passing is a sign that a memory is forming. If it was the Christmas that Cass purposely broke your new skateboard because you promised not to be so boyish anymore, or if it was just the random night that she told you to come watch a movie with her for no reason at all, I’d remember it. I’d remember her laugh and her smile, and I’d remember her obsession over tea and stamps, and I would remember her. I would always remember her because she was Cass, because she was my sister, and because I loved her.

I thought I had time to myself, to reminisce or… or to suffer on my own, but I didn’t. And even though I sat in my dark room with the covers up to my chin, focusing my eyes on all the glow-in-the-dark stickers above me instead of the actual full moon right outside my window, I heard a door slam. I knew it was Mom and I knew that she had gone out earlier, but for some reason… I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t scared because I had this tinge of hope deep down inside me that said I could help her in some way, even if I couldn’t help myself. That maybe instead of time fixing her, I could, and then maybe time would fix me.

When I heard her feet slam against the stairs I slid out of bed, creeping towards the closed door in the darkness. I moved at a slow pace with slow thoughts and a slow heartbeat, but everything around me was happening faster. If I could have seen myself going towards that door and out into the dimly lit hallway, I would have said stop. But a part of me, that very stupid part, thought that maybe it was all okay again, even without Cass. I still wondered if that would ever be true.

I could see Mom standing in the hallway, her hands clasping the frame of the door, and I could hear her sobs. She didn’t turn any lights on when she stepped into the dark room, leaving the door wide open. I didn’t know what I was feeling or why I was feeling it, but I thought I knew that following her was a good idea.

It wasn’t.

When I took a step forward and set my hand on her shoulder, trying my best to be comforting even though I had no idea how exactly to help, I knew that it was a mistake. She smacked my hand away when she turned around to face me, he body slumped. Her eyes were red and her nose twitched when she sniffled, and she stared right into my eyes. I felt a familiar feeling, the fear coming back. I could recognize the anger in her because deep down I knew I felt the same; I knew I was angry, angry at everything and hopelessly lost, just like mom. But my anger was different, and my anger was invisible. Hers wasn’t. Her anger stung. Her anger left a burning sensation against my skin when she let it out from her hand, when she slapped me. Her anger made my chest tighten and my throat go dry. It made my eyes water, too.

She shouted something at me through what had to be a drunken sob and grabbed my chin with her hand, forcing me to face her. Her nails dug into my skin, creating those tiny crescent shapes, and she said something else, shouting my name with it. I think it was then that I shut my eyes as tight as I could, and then felt another hit against my skin again. It wasn’t good enough for her and not even a second later did I feel something that was like a rock against my stomach, and I buckled. I knew what I was in now, and I knew that trying to get away would do no good.

So when she pushed me to the floor of Cass’s room did the only thing I knew I was good at: I hid. I pushed the situation out of my mind and focused on just a plain black room that held no light, and I pushed all the pain to the back of my mind so I could hide. And I think I laughed; I laughed because I could see Cass, because I could see her feet from my spot underneath the bed, calling out, asking where I was. I laughed because she knew but she chose not to disappoint me by bending down and offering me that bright smile of hers, by letting me know she found me. But all I wanted now was for her to come find me in that black room, and for her to pull me up and shake me awake. Because this wasn’t normal, because getting hit by your mother could never be normal; Nick’s face flashed into my mind and my lips twisted into some sort of a twisted smile.

That was acceptable, though. Laughing at the pain I could only feel as tingles wasn’t right, and she hit harder. She shouted about teaching me a lesson and screamed shut-up at me even though I really wasn’t making any noise. She cried about Cass while she kicked me on her floor. She mumbled words I didn’t want to hear but had to anyway, and then she punched me in the jaw for not fighting back. I could feel that pain shoot through me and I stopped opening my mouth to gasp for air. I wasn’t laughing anymore and I wasn’t crying… I didn’t know why I wasn’t crying.

Once the jutting pain from my jaw seemed to disappear I focused on the blank feeling. This feeling overpowered my anger, overpowered her anger, but it didn’t let me forget. It let me get away, but all the memories followed. I shut my eyes tighter and found a tiny spot in the very back of my mind, a spot that sat next to the stupid thoughts I’d often have regarding Nick, and I chose to hide there now. But even there I could see Cass, and mow I could smell her. And when I opened my eyes I realized that I had rolled over on the floor and that my face was now buried into a blanket. The soft material smelt like Cass but it was far from comforting, so I tried to roll back over. I couldn’t.

Every part of my body stung with some kind of pain, and there was no sign of any relief soon. I could feel all my muscles tense while my body tried to cope with the reawakening of senses and I found it hard to breathe. It felt like even my insides were beaten and bruised. But I still tried to roll over again because that familiar scent was too much for me. When I managed to roll onto my back after several painful attempts I realized that I was still in Cass’s room, my hand clutching the comforter of her bed, pulling it towards me. Had I crawled over to where I am? I didn’t know. I didn’t really know anything at this point except that the room felt muggy and made it even harder for me to breathe.

My eyes darted around the neat room and settled on the bright light that was creeping through the slits of the blinds. That stupid part of me made another appearance because I suddenly just wanted to get up and run across the street to Nick. But even if I could move I wouldn’t because my delayed memory just informed me that I told him how I felt. I had nothing.

It was more than an effort to raise myself up, and it felt even worse when I tried to walk to the door. But I did, and I made it. I started down the hallways while trying my hardest not to make any noise. I didn’t know if Mom was still home, but I knew I didn’t really want to find out. I carried myself to the room, using the wall to support half of my weight. I knew I wasn’t as bad off as I felt, but it was more than just the bruises and the cuts. I was… scared, and I couldn’t even show it. It was like there was no emotion left in me, and maybe that was a good thing, but it felt wrong. I should’ve been in a ball right now, crying my eyes out in the corner; I had a lot to cry over. But nothing came and I wasn’t going to force myself and try. I was just… empty.

I think I half-expected Cass to come waltzing into my room with her hand clasping Nick’s, forcing him inside too. And I think I actually believed that it would happen because I sat on my bed and stared at the clock that sat next to the door, just waiting. The ticking was slow and held a rhythm that stuck in my head, but with each minute that passed there was still no Nick, no Cass, and no Mom. I didn’t hear a car outside, or voices across the street, or the phone ringing, and I wondered what was going on. Was Mom coming home or was she lurking downstairs, crying some more? Was Nick outside with Frankie or gone somewhere with friends? Was our phone working?

It felt like it took me five minutes for each breath I was taking in. it felt like years since Cass had… but I knew it had only been days. It felt like I was caught in a bubble, surrounded by nothing but everything at the same time; like I could see everything, but no one could see me. And, still staring at the clock, I wondered if that were really true. I wish it wasn’t.

I stared at that clock until the room got dark and I realized it was night time. I was still alone, that hadn’t changed, but somehow it felt worse. Somehow it felt painful.

There was a point where I dreamt about Cass, but it felt so real. So when I woke up I found myself hugging a pillow with my chest heaving silent cries, but there were no tears. And then, what had to be hours later, I finally looked at my clock and realized it noon. I didn’t know where the time was going. What I did know, though, was that I so badly wished that Nick would come. I wished that he’d knock on the door and ask to come in; I wouldn’t let him, of course, but I still wished that he would try. I wished that he still cared.

So when I heard the faint sound of the door creaking open and then footsteps I didn’t know what I felt. Was I excited because the person could be Nick? Or was I scared because it was my mother? I chewed on my lip and slowly slid farther below the covers, sighing a little when I realized the aching wasn’t nearly as bad, but it was still there, a constant reminder of everything bad. I gulped.

Feet pounded against the stairs slowly, and then crept down the hallway… towards my room. I shut my eyes tight and focused on my breathing, ignoring the clock sound of the clock for now. It was a moment before the door was pushed open, and then another before someone entered. I didn’t move, waiting instead. Just when I thought that maybe she left while I was listening to my own heart beat I felt the covers being ripped off my body, and a scream forced itself out of my soar dry throat. The sound was scratchy while my voice cracked, and I managed to move a little, freezing when I saw who it was.

I stared at him with wide eyes, and he stared back, his own eyes seeming a dark amber color for the moment, zoning solely in on me. I sucked in a breath but chose not to let it out, letting my chest burn instead. His lips parted with words that didn’t seem to make it up his throat, so he pursed them instead, his thick eyebrows furrowing while he scanned his eyes over me.

“Joe,” I croaked, letting myself relax a little once the breath was out, but everything in me tensed again once I realized how I must look. Not only was I gross from not taking a shower, but I was sure I had new -- and some still old -- bruises covering me.

“Julissa…” he tried, but his voice faltered. He continued to watch me though, his eyes never leaving my face with that stern Joe-look. I took a moment to take him in, to make sure he really was there. His hair wasn’t shaggy like I expected, but shorter on the sides, thick and messy at the top. It looked darker, too. His eyes were lighter, but they were hard instead of the usual soft, playfulness that was Joseph, my best friend. And then it hit me… there he was; Joseph, my best friend.

I let out a breath that sounded more like a gasp and flung myself forward, ignoring the protests of pain from throughout my body. I flung my arms around his neck and shook a little, but there were still no tears. He wrapped his arms around my waist tightly, pulling me into his warm body. He smelled the same. It hadn’t been long since I saw him last at the dinner with Nick and his family, but it felt like an eternity.

“Jules, what’s…? I mean, what’s going on?” he murmured against my hair, squeezing me a little tighter, unaware of how much it hurt. But I didn’t stop him. I needed someone, and who was better than Joe? I was almost ashamed at the little voice that shouted a certain name in that stupid part of my head, so I ignored it, and I focused on Joe’s words. “Jules, I heard about…” he trailed off, pausing for only a moment before adding, “I should’ve come sooner, I’m so sorry.” I could hear the sincerity in his voice and his words, and it made me a little relieved to know that he cared. Even if the words were about Cass.

“Joe,” I breathed. I lifted my head from his shoulders and pulled back a little. But I quickly returned to my previous position.

“Why are you letting her do this to you, Julissa? Why aren’t you getting help?”

Why wasn’t I? I really didn’t know anymore.

“Is it because…” he trailed off again. He pushed me forward a little and slid his hands down my arms, locking them around my wrists. His eyes stared into mine and then he whispered, “Is it because Cass isn’t here?”

I don’t know.

“Do you feel alone?”

I don’t know.

“Do you feel like you don’t deserve anything better than this?”

I don’t know.

“Damn, Julissa, talk to me!”

I… don’t know.

He stared at me for a moment, waiting, expecting an answer. But I didn’t have one.

He sighed. “I am going to kill Nick-”

“No!” I shouted suddenly, panic rising out of nowhere. He paused, his eyes meeting mine. “I told him not to tell anyone… I didn’t want him to do anything-”

“He should know better,” he shook his head.

“He’s just trying to help me…” Why couldn’t I admit that to myself sooner? Why do I have to push him away?

“I know he cares about you, Jules. He cares… a lot. But I expected him to take care of you while I was gone.”

“Why?” I whispered. I took a glance up at him and swallowed. “Why would you expect that… when he had Cass?”

It was silent for a moment, neither of us speaking. His eyes left mine but he kept them on me, trailing them over the bruises that on my arms. I watched him shut his eyes and shake his head, a deep sigh falling from his lips.

“I’m not Cass,” I whispered, still thinking about why Joe would expect Nick to take care of me.

“You aren’t,” he agreed, “You’re Julissa. And I’m positive that that’s good enough.”

“But it’s not,” I shook my head, “Not for Dad… or Sam. Or Cass, or Mom, or you or Nick. Not even for myself.”

“Based on whose standards?” he asked with a dry laugh. I could see a slight smile on his lips, one that told me I was ridiculous. I shrugged. “We think you’re amazing, me and Nick. And you don’t deserve this,”

I wanted to ask him how I could f ix it then, but I knew he wouldn’t have the answer. Not even Nick would.

“You wanna’ come over?” Joe asked lightly, a warm smile now over his lips and in his eyes. I smiled weakly, ready to say yes and to just forget about everything, to go back to our old days, the days where it was just Joe and Jules and Cass and Nick. But Cass wasn’t here and I wasn’t ready to see Nick, and even though spending time with Joe sounded like a breath of fresh air -- one I so badly needed-- I just couldn’t.

“I don’t think so,” I whispered, giving my throat a clear. I glanced up to see if he was mad, but I was only met with stupid understanding. Couldn’t he for once push me to do something? Or maybe take action… like Nick. I grimaced.

“Okay Jules, but I’m not going back just yet. I’m staying for a while.” I knew he meant that he’d be staying across the street, with Nick and Frankie and Mr. and Mrs. Jonas, but I wished someone would stay here with me. I bit my lip because I knew I might slip and ask him. “And… if you need anything-” he mumbled, digging his hand into his pocket. I trailed my eyes downward and watched him pull out his cell phone, gently setting it on the blanket in front of me. “Nick’s just a phone call away.” He tapped his finger against the black screen before reaching to pull me into a hug again, standing upright after. I took one glance at him before he left, feeling alone again even with the phone in front of me.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to call Nick. If I did it would be to talk to Joe, but just the thought of Nick’s soft voice answering made my stomach churn and knot, and I wasn’t exactly sure if that was a good thing. So when I glanced out into the night sky through my window, I was a little confused as to why I picked up that cell phone. I tapped through the menu to find contacts, and then I scrolled through those, biting my lip when I found Nick. I contemplated what I would say when he answered, not quite sure why I was even calling, other than the fact that I was lonely and pathetic and… hurt. But still I pressed his name and held the phone up to my ear, counting how many times my heart beat between the rings.

It’s Nick. Leave a message and I’ll call you back.

My breath caught when that beep sounded and I practically dropped the phone trying to hang it out. I stared at the screen when it flashed with CALL ENDED and placed it on my desk slowly. I wasn’t really disappointed that he didn’t answer, thought that annoyingly familiar part of me said I was. I was a little relieved.

I crept towards my bed, trying not to move quick enough to feel any pain that hadn’t ceased yet, but just as I reached my blanket my heart froze; the phone was vibrating against the wood.

I’m not going to answer it.

The phone vibrated again. I spun around, grabbed the phone, and held it to my ear. “Hello?” I breathed.

Darn it.

It was silent for a moment, but then a soft voice sounded, “Julissa?” I held my breath. I could hear something in the background, some noise, and I wondered where he was. Was he at a party? I didn’t even know what day it was and when I started turning to glance at the calendar I realized it didn’t matter: it was summer. He could do whatever he wanted. Or maybe he was with someone. I didn’t know. I shouldn’t have called. “Jules?” he said again, breaking the race inside my mind. I swallowed.

“Umm… hi.” I shut my eyes as soon as the burning crept to my cheeks.

“Hi,” he said smoothly, his voice a little softer. I could hear shuffling and his muffled voice, and then the sound in the background dimmed. “Umm, what’s up?” Did he sound nervous? Maybe that was just my mind sounding nervous to me, because somehow, for some reason, I was going nuts just talking to him on the phone.

“N-nothing…” Tell him you want to talk to Joe, I told myself. “What are you doing?”

I hated the way my mind and mouth refused to work together.

He sighed, “Just watching a movie with Frankie and Joe.” So… he wasn’t at a party; he was home.

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. Silence overtook us for a few moments, and I didn’t know why he wasn’t talking. I swallowed the lump in my throat and inhaled, settling my eyes on their house through the darkness. I could see a flickering light from their window. “Did you, um, talk to Joe?” Of course he talked to Joe, but I hoped he knew what I meant.

“Yeah,” he answered, “and he said that I am to take care of you when he goes back.” I could hear a bit of humor in his voice, but he was quiet, too; back to the old Nick, the one before he kissed me that time at graduation. I tensed.

“I can take care of myself.”

“If you could then you wouldn’t have all those bruises,” he said lowly, and it was obvious now that Joe told him what he saw, and that he knew it had happened again, “would you?” he added in almost a whisper. I found myself shaking my head, agreeing with him, but I was happy he couldn’t see.

“I’m fine,” I lied. I could only admit to myself how bad off I was.

“Then come over.” His voice caught me off guard. I stayed silent. “Come over and watch a movie with us, it isn’t that late.” I turned at that moment and took a glance at the clock, confirming his words: it was only 7. But I couldn’t… “Joe wants you to come over,” he said after another moment. I hated how he knew me so well. I hated him. I bit my lip, hesitating. And then I heard him sigh, or maybe it was a simple shaky breath. “I want to see you.” It was then I shut my eyes, the overwhelming warmth from a mixture of feelings returning to me.

“Umm…” I trailed, “What are you watching?”

It was then I heard his breath again, but somehow, in some crazy way, it sounded satisfied; he knew he had me.

“Tarzan.”

Oh, he really knew.

I narrowed my eyes, wishing he was here for just a second to see me glare at him. This felt like a scheme, a Joe scheme. Like he somehow knew I’d call Nick. Maybe Joe sensed my hesitant no when he offered earlier and decided that I’d end up coming by later. Or maybe Nick just knew me.

“Fine,” I whispered, defeated.

“Alright,” he whispered back. “-Hurry before Nick eats all the popcorn!-” Joe shouted in the background, and I swore my lips wanted to twitch into a smile.

I think it was that second, when I saw nick’s face in my mind, that I actually forgot about the pain and all the memories that hurt me. And I knew that time was passing again. And maybe I’d find some kind of healing in it.