Take Me There

Being unsure was something I had become accustomed to.

I still held the small phone on my hand, my mind racing with panic. What had I gotten myself into? I moved myself forward at a slow pace, glancing towards my dresser and then my closet. I wasn’t going to change; I didn’t feel like it. So I pushed myself out into the hall and into the bathroom, quickly flipping the switch. The unnatural lights burned my eyes and I shut them tight, clutching the edge of the counter with one hand. It took me a moment before I set the phone down and began to pat around for the faucet, and I pulled it up before I even opened my eyes. The sound of the water falling was one of those weird comforting things, and I watched it with wide eyes, taking in the way it poured down quickly in one thick stream. It seemed so simple, yet so complex at the same time, and I didn’t even know how.

I splashed my face with the cool water, taking the time to breathe, something I hadn’t been doing much of lately, it seemed. I dried my hands but let the water droplets drip off my face while digging in the drawer. My movements were slow, sluggish, and I almost froze out of reflex when I saw some of Cass’s items. My eyes scanned over them with a hard expression, my lip curling slightly, ready to quiver with instinctively; no tears came. I wasn’t sure if that was a relief or not, but I didn’t want to think about it. I pulled my toothbrush and the toothpaste out, and then I slammed the drawer shut and continued on with the simple task of brushing my teeth. Somehow this seemed complicated, too. It was almost as if everything had to be difficult for me, like I had done something so wrong and needed to be punished endlessly. Maybe that was it; maybe I finally realized something…

But that couldn’t be right. And if it was, I wasn’t sure I could take anymore.

I sniffled dryly, trying to act like I had my emotions in check when I didn’t even have my mind in a right reality. I didn’t know where I was, but I was pretty sure it was a prison, and I didn’t know who I was. I knew I was Julissa Lane, Cass’s little sister, but that was just a name and a title that I didn’t mind so much anymore. I still wondered who I was, though. Maybe I always would. Maybe I wouldn’t.

I combed through my hair roughly with my fingers and pulled it up into a ponytail, not caring when the bangs fell down over my eye. It was easier for me to hide this way and pretend that people weren’t looking at me. I licked my lips and tugged at my shirt nervously, taking a moment to do something I hadn’t done in a while; I took a good look in the mirror. My eyes glistened a little, like tears were just hanging there and waiting to be shed, and my skin felt and looked a little puffy underneath. My cheeks were red, a few dark spots layered on top, but it wasn’t anything too noticeable, especially since we’d be in the dark. I tugged at my shirt again, this time pulling the hem down a little, and I felt like I needed to change. But just as I started to turn I saw a larger, darker spot on my neck, and it seemed to travel down my shoulder. A large bruise covered my pale skin, sticking out immediately. I didn’t’ remember how I got that. She hadn’t… hit my face much, it was pretty hard when I curled up, but maybe I remembered her hand digging into me there; I had done pretty well at going to the hiding place deep in the back of my mind.

With the phone back in my hand I moved back into my dark room, stopping in front of my dresser. I didn’t look at anything that covered it, didn’t think about the picture I knew was sitting there, waiting for me to just glance at it. I opened my drawer instead, plunging into the contents that lay scattered within. I grabbed a black long-sleeved shirt and a pair of blue sweatpants, the ones that held a random number and the word CUTE in faded block letters; I hated these when Dad got them for me, but I only ever kept them because Cass so desperately wanted them. My lips twitched.

I shut the drawer and rushed out of my clothes, the goose-bumps rising on my skin at the change of temperature. I tugged the shirt over my head after pulling on the pants, slipping my arms through, happy that the edge of the sleeves reached my palms. I slipped my feet into my shoes and then headed back out into the hallway, moving a little quicker; I didn’t feel much pain.

The cool night air hit me as soon as I opened the door and I immediately inhaled, exhaling with relief. It felt good to be outside. It felt normal. I glanced towards the driveway only to see that there was no car, and that gave me a sense of freedom. And glancing over at that perfect house across the street gave me a feeling I never really felt before. It was light, pushed way to the back of my mind, and even my stomach, but it was there and I felt it. It made me feel nervous and excited, and hurt and lost and, most of all confused, and it made me feel that way all at once. I knew it wasn’t Joe; he was my best friend, my big brother. It wasn’t Frankie. It wasn’t Nick… I could feel my leg twitching, itching to move forward and across the street, and before I knew it I was on their driveway, maneuvering myself between their shiny SUV and Nick’s perfect mustang with the weird way it shined under the dull stars above.

I reached the porch, but the light came on before I could even lift my arm, and the door opened. Joe’s face gave off the impression that he had been waiting for me, like I had kept him waiting for hours instead of only minutes, even just barely so. He gave me a warm, excited grin, and all those feelings sort of melted away. Maybe I could start being normal again. Or acting it. He opened his mouth to speak while his hand snaked up to his face, using his finger to press his thick framed glasses up his nose, but a voice sounded that didn’t belong to him. And suddenly all those feelings returned, crashing down on me.

“Frankie, get off my dog!” the sweet voice sounded from the other room, but it was like a melody with the way it was intertwined with a laugh. I heard Elvis’s familiar bark, and then a large golden head came into view, knock into my leg before I even had time to blink.

I smiled a little, one of the first genuine ones in a while, and reached down to scratch his head. He was soft and warm underneath my fingertips. He barked again, the sound echoing throughout the house.

“Shhh!” Joe hissed in a silly tone, his eyes on Elvis.

“Don’t shush my dog,” I heard Nick say from the other room, and then Frankie’s laugh boomed. Nick proceeded to shush him. I shook my head.

“We paused the movie so you wouldn’t miss anything else,” Joe said. He exaggerated his tone, making it sound like he did me some kind service. I stared at him. “But we better get in there before Nick’s fat ass eats all the food.”

“Language!” a muffled voice shouted, and my ears instantly perked up. I knew that voice anywhere…

“Oh, whatevs,” Joe rolled his eyes, giving me a bigger grin. “Come on in, Jules.”

I followed Joe into the living room easily, my eyes dancing over everything in sight. They landed on Frankie first, who was lying on the fly, trying to catch popcorn in his mouth. Then I spotted Elvis saunter back over to the couch, stretching his legs up until his paws rested on someone’s thighs, but before I could look at the face who I knew the legs belonged to, my eyes trailed over to another head of curly hair, and I instantly smiled -- it wasn’t big, but it was a start. Kevin’s eyes met mine and he gave me that sweet smile, his eyes half closing and his small nose scrunching up with a gentle laugh.

“Julissa!”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me this was a Jonas reunion?” I joked, my laugh still sounding a little dry. I cleared my throat.

“Thought it’d be a nice surprise,” he said happily. But I knew why he was here. I mean, I knew that Denise had mentioned him and Danielle visiting before, a while back, but he was here… now. And my stomach twisted with knots that made me feel sick.

“Where’s Danielle?’ I managed in a civil tone. I was happy to see him, but not under the circumstances.

“Home,” he answered casually. “She was swamped at the salon this week, so I took the trip by myself. She told me to say hi and give you an extra hug for her.” He stepped forward now and immediately engulfed me in a hug. All of them were about the same height, but Kevin seemed smaller for some reason. And he was perfect at giving hugs. “How’ve you been?” he whispered to me, but his voice wasn’t really questioning at all. He knew. He knew just like they all knew. So I kept my mouth shut.

“Okay guys, come on,” Joe whined, and I felt something tap my cheek; a piece of popcorn, thrown from Joseph’s hand, forcing me to look over at him after pulling away from Kevin.

But glancing at him made me catch a look from Nick, and I couldn’t look away. His eyes were intense even in the dark, his full lips in a fine line with only the corners pulled up, I think. He watched me with that innocence he always seemed to carry, his body shifting until he was nestled comfortably on the couch with Elvis on his lap, his eyes closed in a soft snooze. I shifted my eyes away from him as quick as I could, the heat in my cheeks returning.

“I’m gonna’ get a soda,” Kevin announced while he backed away from the TV, “anyone want anything?”

“Dr. P!” Joe called with a mouthful of popcorn, spraying Nick with pieces of food when he turned his head towards Kevin. Nick flinched, his face scrunched up in disgust, and he tilted his head away from his brother. I watched Elvis lift his head lazily; his black nose twitched before he settled his head back on Nick’s thigh, ignoring Joe. And then Nick looked back up at me, his eyes burning into my own.

“Jules?” I heard Kevin say. My attention tore away from Nick and landed on Kevin’s waiting figure. He looked like he was waiting, like he had probably said my name more than once. My face flushed. “Want anything?”

“Umm,” I started slowly, “I guess so.” My throat felt dry again. “Thanks.” He gave me a smile and a nod, and continued to the kitchen.

Everything seemed… normal here, just like it used to so long ago. But one thing was missing.

I closed my eyes and took a little breath, thankful that the room was only lit by the still color of the paused movie. I didn’t let myself think about it, not tonight. I reopened my eyes and caught the image of Joe trying to force-feed Nick, who was now punching him in the shoulder. Elvis barked, protectively leaning up in front of Nick. Joe laughed.

“Elvis wouldn’t bite me, would you boy?” he cooed. Nick smirked.

“Not unless I told him too.”

Joe glared.

“Hey, Nick,” Frankie said with a bored tone, turning his head on the floor to face his brother, but I was sort of in the way. I quickly moved when Nick glanced at me instead. “Pass me the candy.” I watched Nick pick up a bag from the floor and toss it effortlessly to his little brother, his eyes returning to mine yet again before I looked away nervously.

“Sit,” Joe offered, though it was more of a command, and began to scoot away from Nick, but I shook my head no.

I found myself slowly moving forward and turning around, sitting myself down in between Joe and Nick’s legs, my knees curled up to my chest. Kevin came in then with three soda-filled cups, handing one to Joe and then me. I smiled at him thankfully and took a sip, setting it down next to me where Joe wouldn’t knock it over with his foot. I could feel Nick scoot closer to Joe because his knee was now pressed gently against my shoulder, allowing Kevin to squeeze in next to him. I tensed. Nick didn’t seem to notice though, and if he did he didn’t care. I shouldn’t have either.

“Play,” Kevin commented cheerily, nodding towards Frankie; they were all too lazy to reach for the remote that was squished between one of them. But it was sort of amusing, watching Frankie roll towards the TV, and then roll back to his position next to the candy as the screen came to life.

We all sat there in silence, not even Joe muttering a comment about the movie. All of us liked Tarzan - -we liked pretty much any Disney movie; it’s how we bonded, in a weird way. My eyes were glues to the screen, but my mind kept moving back to the day in Nick’s bedroom when we sang that song, and how good it felt right then. I almost felt like a completely different person now, so detached and blank, and it still scared me. I watched Tarzan and Jane interact on the screen, and it kind of annoyed me how obvious they were. He was chasing her and she liked him, but neither of them did anything about it, and it didn’t make sense. Or maybe it did and I was the blind one.

I felt Elvis’s rub against me as he jumped off Nick’s lap, his body disappearing into the kitchen soon after. And then I felt nick shift, and he slowly slid down onto the floor next to me. He was close and he was warm, and he was making my nervous. I didn’t look at him at first, and he didn’t look at me either. We both stayed focused on the movie. Somehow my memory came back, the one where I first watched Tarzan; Nick slid down next to me then, too, and he whispered something about music. I was unsure again now, not knowing why things couldn’t be simple again. But I did know that it felt weird without Cass here, wrapped up in Nick’s arms. My jaw tightened.

Elvis appeared in front of us suddenly, and my eyes widened when he climbed on my lap. He laid his heavy body on me, his warmth immediately washing over me, and I smiled a little.

“Elvis,” Nick whispered just loud enough for me to hear, “get off Julissa.” Elvis ignored Nick for once, scooting his head closer to my stomach. “Elvis,” Nick whispered again. He leaned a little closer and I could feel his breath on my cheek, creating goose-bumps.

“It’s okay,” I finally whispered back. My voice was barely audible, nervous. “I, umm… he’s warm.” I glanced up at Nick for a moment to see a smooth smile take over his lips, the outlines of his dimples barely showing in the dark. I could see that freckle on his nose though, because that’s how close he was.

“Are you cold?” he asked softly. I shook my head no and allowed myself to look away from him again, and down at Elvis in my lap. I could feel his eyes on my face though, staring at me. I tilted my head slightly towards him and watched him lift his hand slowly, his fingertips ready to gently touch my face, but I flinched. “Julissa…” he trailed off, sighing slightly. I paused. “I’m sorry.” It was such a simple thing for him to say, and there wasn’t any real reason for him to say it, but somehow it meant something to me. Somehow it made me feel like he cared. I turned my head and glanced up at him through my bangs, and he looked straight back at me with his shining chocolate orbs. They were so soft and gentle, and everything about him was so warm and dreamy; I hated him for being perfect, but the stirring in my stomach began to disagree with me.

I glanced away and found myself wanting to smile, wanting to forget all the pain and everything to just be here. To just be normal.

We sat there, Nick next to me, Elvis on my lap, and we all stayed in a comfortable silence. I could feel the memories wanting to come back. My mind wanted to see Cass’s face, to listen to her talk to Nick, to make him laugh that soft, musical laugh. I wanted to be next to Joe, like I always used to be. I didn’t want to feel that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I now knew to be some sort of jealousy, but I’d feel it every day multiplied by ten if Cass was here. If she was just…

I glanced over at Nick in the dark, watching the way his eyes focused on the screen, scanning all the delicate freckles on his smooth skin in the dim light from the TV. He turned his head suddenly, obviously feeling my stare, and I immediately looked away. Great, act like a child and play that stupid staring game. And I knew that’s what it was because when I turned my head slowly I caught his glimpse of me, but he looked away just as fast as I did, focusing back on the screen. I kept my eyes on him this time, narrowing them when I saw his lips twitch. He wanted to smile, or to laugh, at me. I looked back away from him with my hands on top of Elvis, shaking my head to myself. I didn’t know what he was doing. I didn’t know what I was doing.

Before I knew it I found my eyes drooping, and I found myself winding down and wanting sleep. I didn’t know what forced me to lean over, but I did, and my head gently hit Nick’s shoulder. It wasn’t awkward like I expected, and even though I tensed up when he wrapped his arm around my waist I was too comfortable and tried to move. And, maybe I didn’t want to admit it to even myself, but having Nick sort of hold me was more of a comfort than I ever expected. It felt like he was protecting me, and being in his arms made me believe that he could do just that. It almost made me wonder if that’s how Cass felt, and then I foolishly wondered if this was a Nick and Cass moment. Maybe this wasn’t meant for me. Maybe I was messing up. But… maybe this could be a Julissa and Nick moment, if those could exist.

I felt my eyes finally shut and everything around me seemed to drift away, and finally I felt a little peaceful. I didn’t feel like I was a burden, like I had lost everything. And for once I didn’t feel lost. I felt fine. It was such a weird feeling for me, and it was almost like I couldn’t even feel it, but it was there. I felt comfortable.

I could feel my breathing even out when the blackness began to fade, and then I felt myself ready to become aware again. I felt something moving underneath my head slightly while the soft sound of familiar lyrics came from the TV, and I opened my eyes. The room was still dark. My eyes settled on a figure in a blur, but when they cleared I recognized the figure to be Frankie, asleep on the floor. And next to him was Kevin, also asleep. I didn’t hear Joe snoring so I wondered where he was, but then I froze again. That means that… Nick was underneath my head. I began to twist myself, my cheeks flushing when his arms tightened around me for a quick moment, and then he let go, now aware himself. He sat himself up a little, but he didn’t let go. I looked up. It was one of those moments, when our eyes met, that your breath just gets taken away because something so beautiful was staring down at me.

I felt sick.

I pulled back and tried to stand, ignoring the stiffness and protests of my muscles, and Nick continued to stare. “I… I gotta’ go,” I breathed, dazed. I started to move but Nick’s hand caught my wrist, pulling my sleeve down and halting me at the same time. I felt cool air hit my neck and the bruise began to tingle; I noticed where Nick’s eyes now were, and I jerked away. “I have to go.” He let my arm go and I immediately rushed out of the room quietly, opening the front door to reveal more darkness.

The porch light came on as I stepped onto the porch, freezing for a moment when I heard a low voice. “Julissa, wait!” it said in a hushed tone. I turned my head to see Nick coming towards me in all his glory, his chocolate eyes shimmering in the dim light. I could feel that lump work its way up into my throat.

“I’m fine,” I said quickly, somewhat harshly; I knew that he’d ask.

He was now standing in front of me, staring down into my eyes intensely. There was a crease in his forehead letting me know that he was either confused or frustrated, or maybe both.

“You’re not fine, Julissa!” he said rather loudly. I was surprised that Nick was losing his cool. I stared at him with my hard expression while trying to calm my rapid heartbeat, not quite sure why it was reacting this way; it had to be because I was angry, and because Nick was, too. He pursed his lips for a moment, his eyes calming a bit before continuing in a whisper, “Anyone can see that.” He let a small breath escape his parted lips. Slowly raising his arms he set his hands on my shoulders comfortably, his eyes searching mine endlessly. “You need help,” he whispered, “can’t you see that? Let me help you, Jules.”

I stared at him, something in me finally snapping, and I pushed his hands off of me.

“You think I don’t know that?” I shouted, my voice breathy. “Do you think I don’t know how messed up I am, Nick?” He said nothing this time, but that stupid calm look of his only set me off farther, and I could feel my breathing pick up. “I know I’m not fine, okay? I know. But admitting that won’t change anything. It won’t change my mom, it won’t bring back Cass, and it definitely won’t change the fact that I-” My voice froze, like I was a machine that had just been shut off. I didn’t move as I stared at him, my breath caught in my throat. He waited, his intense eyes dancing over my face, and I swore it was… almost eager. No, I told myself, my head shaking in silence.

Am in love with you … my dead sister’s boyfriend.

“That I -” I trailed off, my voice cracking. I blinked several times slowly, finally breathing again. “That I still can’t cry.”

Nick’s soft eyes filled with confusion now, his head tilting to the side like it always did, and something in my stomach erupted: butterflies. I tried to hold my breath but it was impossible with the way I was now shaking. But then, after a moment, he reached towards me, his arms pulling me into him warmly. I couldn’t fight it; I didn’t want to fight him. He held me close to him with his nose pressed against my hair, comforting me in such a simple way that it made me crazy. This wasn’t right. I couldn’t… I just didn’t… I didn’t know. But I held him back, that stupid part of my mind taking over everything. He smelled so good and he was so warm, and it was almost like he was my Nick. It was almost like I wanted him to be my Nick. And that was something that scared me more than my mother, more than being without Cass.

And I was unsure again. Of everything.