Take Me There

I was beginning to think that maybe time wasn’t the only thing that held a spot in life. Maybe time worked closely with something called fate. Cass had told me that fate was the thing that brought two people together for true love. I think, though, that I had another memory of someone saying a better definition of fate - or what I wanted to believe fate was, anyway.

I remember this because it was the first time Nick wanted to ask out Cass. He was nervous, to say the least, and Joe wasn’t exactly giving him the best pep talk. They didn’t really acknowledge my presence as I sat on their living room floor, waiting or Cass and Mom to come back from the mall while Dad was at work. They said I couldn’t go because I never wanted to try anything on and because I was too impatient, but I didn’t really mind spending time at the Jonas house. I didn’t even really mind when they ignored me and started talking about Cass instead.

“I don’t know what to do, Joe,” Nick had said, and I could tell he was nervous. Nick was hardly ever nervous, always so composed and calm, but this was different.

“Well…” Joe tried. He scratched his hair, pushing the straight strands back. I had missed his old hair-do, but I said nothing of it. I usually said nothing about anything. “What do you want to say to her?”

“That I like her,” he said obviously, exasperated because Joe just didn’t understand. “I want her to know that I’m not just some kid. I really like her and I want her to give me a chance.”

“Why don’t you ask Jules for help?” he suggested, and I immediately turned at the sound of my name. Their eyes were focused on me now, one pair in particular making me nervously fidget with my hands.

“I can’t ask a girl advice on how to ask another girl out!” Nick hissed, his eyes darting in between Joe and me. “Especially when that girl is her sister. It’s rude beyond belief.”

“Oh, cut it out, Nick,” Joe chuckled, slapping his hand against his little brother’s shoulder. “It’s not like she likes you or anything, dude.” My face flushed when Nick turned to eye me, trying to read if maybe I did like him. I immediately turned away.

I heard Nick sigh heavily before he spoke again, his voice softer. “Maybe I have to leave it up to fate.”

“Fate?” Joe snorted. I turned just in time to see Nick send him a glare.

“Yes, Joe. Fate. You know, the thing that predetermines events? Your destiny?”

“You believe in that sort of stuff?” he asked, only half-serious. That was Joe for you.

“Yes,” Nick nodded, running his hand through his thick and unruly curls, pushing them away from his face. “I do. It’s sort of like, if it’s supposed to happen then it will. You know how Dad always tells us that things happen for a reason and that it’s all in God’s plan? Well, that’s what I’m counting on.”

“Nick,” Joe sighed, but I could tell he was sort of amazed by his little brother. I wished Cass would be sort of amazed by me. “I don’t know.”

Nick sighed again. “I’ll just wait it out. I won’t ask her. I’ll just…”

“Let fate handle it?” I murmured suddenly, unable to stop myself. I turned slowly because I felt their eyes on me, my own eyes bouncing between the two before settling on Nick and the way his lips twitched into a warm smile.

“Exactly, Jules.”

Cass’s fate, whether she believed it to just revolve around love and romance, wasn’t so kind to her. Fate wasn’t so kind to me, either. Why was it in my life plan to have my parents get divorced? Why was my dad able to move on and start a new family, leaving me and Cass with mom when she didn’t know what to do with herself? Why did my fate push me to the backburner because I wasn’t as perfect as Cass? Why did my fate feel the need to have me beaten by my mother and send me into an emotional spiral until I couldn’t feel anything but confusion and numbness?

I had so many questions to ask fate, but time… time wasn’t letting me.

I had managed to make it home before Mom did, and I was sure to steer clear of her once I heard her tumbling up the stairs. She was drunk again, and she was so upset all the time because her perfect Cass was gone, forcing her to be stuck with me. What was I? Worthless? Bitter? There were too many options and I was too tired to think of them. I wanted so badly to just close my eyes when I heard her door slam, but the darkness that surrounded me - eyes open or closed - wasn’t comforting. It made me feel sick and alone.

Why did I feel this way about Cass’s boyfriend? She was dead. Dead. She was gone and she wasn’t coming back, and I felt the need to go to him for comfort. If I were the one who were dead, would she need comfort? It’d be okay for her to turn to Nick because he was her boyfriend, but what was I to him? His dead girlfriend’s little sister.

But yet I still felt the need to run back over to his house and just force myself back into his arms because I wasn’t ready to let go. I wanted to cry and scream. I wanted to tell him how badly I missed Cass already, to tell him how badly I needed someone - anyone. But especially him. I couldn’t will myself to do that, though, because when I thought about Nick he was always accompanied with Cass, and I couldn’t stand seeing her face anymore.

There was something about Cass that made everyone envious, like she wasn’t a real person to begin with. Her blond hair - stick straight when she wanted, springy curls whenever she pleased. Her big, blue eyes were so pretty and I knew Nick liked that best about her. With just one glance you could see how sincere she was, or you could completely hate her. I spent so much time dancing between the two options that I couldn’t do anything but regret it now. I wanted my sister back; I wanted perfect Cassandra Lane.

I closed my eyes again, but I could only see darkness and a flash of Nick’s face. I knew what he would tell me now. He would say that Cass wasn’t perfect. Behind the way she held herself was someone just as broken as me, someone who had turned to problems, who had turned to Zack. It was almost hard to breathe at just the thought of his name. Every time I thought of Zack one sentence popped into my head, but it repeated itself over and over like a broken record that would never stop. He killed my sister. There was no escaping it.

For me, for my fate, there was no escaping anything.

I tried so hard to remember the last time I saw Cass in her perfect state. It was so hard though, and it frightened me more than anything ever really could. I didn’t want to forget about her. She was my sister and I didn’t want to forget that; I didn’t want her to be gone forever. But she was, and she wasn’t coming back - not for me, not for Nick. I tried so hard to remember her smile when, after all this time, I had tried to forget it. I felt guilty. I felt everything, but then I felt nothing. I wasn’t normal, and Nick’s words would always ring through my mind. I needed help. I didn’t want to end up like Cass.

Or maybe I did. I would take her place if I could.

My breathing began to pick up and I recognized the feelings that shot through me. I was going to cry. It was so twisted that I was excited about crying - crying over everything; the pain, the want, my dead sister. I could feel that rush run through me and I clung to it, wanting it to take me away so I could let everything out. But it never came. There were no tears, no sobs racking through my body to fall out of my quivering lips. And I screamed. That was the only sound I could get out, the only thing that I had really only been wanting to do. I was let down again. I was always let down, but this time it was by myself. I swore I was going to cry because I wanted it so badly, just like I wanted Nick to love me or just like I wanted Cass back. But I only screamed. I couldn’t cry, Nick couldn’t love me, and Cass couldn’t come back. And that was it. There was no more to my life. Fate and time had betrayed me, just like everything else.

I sat there as the night continued on, counting the many ticks that echoed in my mind, each one telling me that a second had passed. I didn’t move and I barely breathed; I felt half alive. I think it was enough to make me laugh, the realization that maybe I was really as hopeless as I appeared to be. I wasn’t strong. I wasn’t anything. Nick said she fought, that he would fight - he wanted me to fight. What was I supposed to fight when the biggest problem was myself? I couldn’t count on Nick for all the answers.

I took a deep breath and began to lie back, turning my head slowly to face the window. The moon’s dim light flooded over my desk and the stickers above me glowed with a light green, but I still felt like a child again, afraid of the monsters that wanted to jump out. Cass had always told me that there were no monsters, just my imagination playing tricks on me. But then Joe had told me that there were in fact monsters, but that he and his brothers would protect me from them because that’s what they did - they fought monsters. Why wasn’t he here now, then? Why wasn’t Nick taking me away from here?

I rolled my eyes at how stupid the thought was, but I couldn’t will it away. I wanted Nick to be here. I wanted him to help me. So why couldn’t I just tell him? Why did I have to run away and hide, and hope that maybe, just maybe, things would work out?

There was no one that could ever fill Cass’s spot, but when I was with Nick… it felt like there was no void. Maybe that was because he knew Cass just as much as I did. Maybe it was because I needed someone and he was there. Or maybe it was because he could see past all my lies and still cared, and because no matter how many times I embarrassed myself or pushed him away he would still be there. Maybe I just wanted him.

I shut my eyes as tight as I could and pulled the blanket up over my head, allowing the shaky breath to fall from me. How could a person be so lost? How could a person be so hurt? I rested my head against the cool pillow and curled myself into a protective ball, blocking out the little sliver of light so I could be submerged in the darkness, waiting for the monsters to come get me. And maybe I wanted them to come out so Nick could come save me, so Nick could come take me away, because that’s what I wanted.

It’s what I wanted and I couldn’t keep myself from admitting that anymore.

My mind slowly began to drift away unevenly, allowing all my muscles to relax a little from their tense guard. I felt myself fall into a light sleep, somehow still aware of the nothingness around me. It was almost impossible to not let go, though. I was so tired and it felt like I hadn’t slept in years. It seemed like an instant that my mind just shut off, leaving me with a hazy feeling.

I never thought dreams could be like movies. I had never really dreamt much in my life - or I had and I just didn’t remember it, as Nick would say, because we all have dreams. I had never really dreamt, yet here I was, the blackness slowly fading into a new picture. I swore it was going to be another memory and right now I just couldn’t take it. I was ready to jolt myself up, but then I saw her face and I just… couldn’t. She was so clear, so beautiful like she always was. There wasn’t a scratch on her perfect face, her blue eyes bright as she smiled. And then I thought about her stupid stamp collection and her stupid need to drink tea, and I smiled. I could see my own self smiling at her, and it felt like such a relief.

I didn’t want to dream about Cass, but now that I was I knew I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to be with her because I needed her. I needed her to boss me around. I needed her to not care because she had a date with Nick, and then apologize when she got home and play Frisbee with me. I wanted her to tease me about liking Joe because I’d rather not have her know that I was really in love with Nick. I needed her to tell me that someday I would have a family of my own and things would be better then, and that we wouldn’t end up like Mom and Dad. I needed her so badly.

“I want you to come back, Cass,” I whispered to her. She just smiled at me, though, keeping her eyes locked on me.

“You’re stronger than I thought, Jules,” she breathed, “You don’t need me.”

“But I do, Cass!” My chest felt like it was on my fire and my throat hurt because I was trying to push the tears that wouldn’t come. “I’m not strong; I need you! I-I can’t…”

“Listen to me,” she said, and she moved forward. It looked like she was gliding towards me, her soft features darker than usual. She was slowly breaking, too; that’s what had been happening to my perfect sister, and no one could help her. “I was never perfect, Jules-”

“Yes, you were. You are, Cass! That’s why Nick loves you…” Her eyes searched my face for a long moment, burning into me like Nick’s often did, trying to read me.

“Nick loved what he knew I was, Jules. I had to be perfect for everyone. He loved me because, even when I tried to be perfect, he saw my flaws. He saw through me, Jules, and he loved me for me.” I could see the tears in her ocean-like eyes. I glanced down when her hands moved forward to clutch mine, but I felt nothing… like she wasn’t even there.

“But that’s it, Jules. That’s done and he has to get over it; you have to get over it too, okay?”

How could she ask me to get over her? How could she want me to forget about her?

“You’re my s-sister-”

“I was always so jealous of you, you know that?” she breathed suddenly, a light, shaky laugh falling from her perfect model lips. I stared at her in shock; what kind of twisted thing was this? I was jealous of Cass, not the other way around. “I was jealous because you could just be you. You weren’t ashamed to be yourself. You never pretended and I was so envious for such a long time. You’re my baby sister, but I hardly treated you that way because I wished I could be like you.

“I didn’t want to be perfect - I wasn’t perfect. I tried and tried, but there is no perfect. Dad never wanted to push me like I wanted Mom to do. And you never let her change you. You have to be strong and stay that way.”

“Cass, please-” I tried to reach for her, but I saw that her hands were still wrapped around, the feeling like air. “Don’t give up on me.”

“I never did,” she giggled. “No one is giving up on you. We all know you can make it through this. If anyone can, it’s you.”

I shook my head, wanting to shout out and disagree furiously, but she stopped me again.

“I messed up, but that’s the way it is. You can let go now.”

I looked down at our hands, only hers weren’t there anymore. She wasn’t there anymore; I was alone.

I found myself jolting forward with heavy breathing, the frustration and hurt never calming down. My fists were clenched around the blanket, my knuckles turning white, and I held in that scream. I was going crazy. I was crazy - I had to be.

I stumbled out of bed, my legs twisted in the blankets enough to make me fall with a thud, but I got right back up. I stormed out of my room and bolted down the stairs, flinging myself into the cool night air. Everything was dark, only a few stars splattered around the moon in the sky and a few street lamps here and there. But I kept going anyway. I kept making my way down the street, bypassing the Jonas house to enter the old field after many quick strides. I looked back as I held myself tightly, my eyes squinting to see the house the farther I walked.

The old grass scratched at my sock-clad feet, poking through the material to touch my skin. I couldn’t get rid of anything like I wanted. I wanted all the guilt and hurt to go away. I wanted things to be normal. I couldn’t fix anything, though. But all I did was make things worse. I created a maze for fate, and now it was lost, pushing me into a life I didn’t deserve. I didn’t deserve to be alone, to be beaten and hurt, to lose my sister. I didn’t deserve any of this, and I almost couldn’t believe that I was finally thinking that. I didn’t want to be guilty anymore. I wanted to be okay.

Was there a way to do that? I thought as hard as I could as I slowed my pace, getting closer and closer to the old back road. There wasn’t a way to bring my sister back and, even if I couldn’t forget, I had to let go. So was there a way to do that?

Let go.

Time wouldn’t let me let go. I was Julissa; my life wasn’t about letting go. I lived in whatever was thrown at me, and I was so ready to curse fate for doing this to me.

My thoughts began to fade away slowly when I looked up, the cool air making me shiver. There was a figure across the road that I was nearing, his body lazily lying against an old car that was parked in the grassier area. He had a bottle in his hand and he flung it around sluggishly, rolling his head back to stare up at the sky. Something in me told me to back away, to just go back and go to the house that held a sleeping Nick Jonas. But my mind, that really stupid part that I was beginning to hate, pushed me forward with urgency when I recognized the face. Zack.

I stood there with my fists clenched to my sides, a burst of emotions flooding through me. I felt pain, and then I felt fear, and then… then I felt anger. What was he doing here? The guy who changed my sister - who killed my sister. What was he doing here? I wanted nothing more than to just lunge at him, to scream I hate you at the top of my lungs. I froze, though, when his head suddenly turned to the side so his eyes could land on me. He looked a little shocked to see someone in his presence, and he clutched the bottle tighter. His eyes raked over me with only slight confusion before his mouth twisted into a sloppy, twisted grin.

“Hey!” he called out, his hard voice making me flinch. He only laughed. “I remember you! Ju… Julia? Or-or something. That Cass girl’s sister, right?”

I clenched my jaw instead of answering, trying to push my feet so I could back up. He only continued, trailing his tongue over his lips.

“How is she, by the way?” There was a sudden tightening in my chest and I swore my knees were about to buckle. He laughed then, smacking his forehead with his free hand as if he had made some stupid mistake. “Oh, right! She’s not doing very good, huh?”

You bastard.

That’s what I wanted to say, to yell. But my mouth was dry and my throat held a lump, and I just couldn’t move.

He stepped forward slowly, eyeing me like he was some sort of predator, and I his prey. He took a swig from the bottle and sighed, using the back of his hand to wipe away his mouth.

“She was kind of a crazy bitch, if you don’t mind me saying.”

I felt myself twitch then, gripping the hem of my short nervously. He took another step forward and cocked his head, peering down at me with dark eyes.

“I kinda' like you better.”

I flinched when he lifted his hand, biting down harshly on my lip when he howled in laughter at my fear. He set a hand on my cheek but I immediately jerked away, slapping his hand back. He gave me a look of shock, his eyebrows raised while a smirk covered his lips.

“She didn’t fight me at first, like you. I guess the younger ones are a little more careful though.”

He lifted his hand again and set it on my cheek, roughly grabbing my wrist with the other as I tried to jerk away. His quick movement caused some of the alcohol in the bottle to slosh out onto me and I shirked back in disgust, yelping when his hand slid across my cheek and into my hair tightly.

“She was such a little whore,” he hissed when he yanked me back, twisting me around until my back was pushed against his chest and his mouth was next to my ear. “She told me all about her little boyfriend. She told me all about you, too.” I gulped down as much air as I could when he released my wrist and settled the hand that held the bottle next to him again. “What are these bruises from?” I felt his icy fingers roll over my neck and I lurched forward, crying out when he yanked me back by my hair. “You’re not gonna’ play as nicely as your sister?”

I didn’t know what to do. My hands were shaking with fear now and I wanted nothing more to get away from this creep. I didn’t want him to touch me with the hands that killed my sister.

I rammed my elbow into his chest without thinking, taking the chance to rush forward when he crumpled and groaned. I slipped and banged my knee against the grass, but quickly got up because the pain didn’t register. I guess I could thank my mom for one thing after all. But the thought faded when I felt his hand grip my arm, his grasp almost burning me. He yanked me back again and placed his hand underneath my chin, forcing my head forward as he hissed in my ear.

“Dirty little whore.”

I gasped when I felt the liquid suddenly spill onto my face, quickly shutting my eyes. It stung my nose and throat, causing me to erupt into a fit of coughs. He continued to pour it over my head while I squirmed, jerking around like some sort of fish he had just caught, and he laughed. He laughed at me and at the fact that he took my sister away, and at how weak I was.

“I didn’t want to kill her,” he breathed again, forcing my head to the side so he could press his wet lips to my ear. I continued to jerk but he only held me tighter to him, a breathy laugh washing over my skin. “She just wouldn’t cooperate. I told her that she was too uptight for college, that’s he should loosen up, and she agreed… at first. But then she just didn’t like my plans and I couldn’t have that, could I?”

I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to listen. I didn’t want him to talk about Cass. I didn’t want to know what he did. I jerked my leg back just I had done with my elbow and struck him in the shin, causing him to curse in pain. He didn’t let go of me like I hoped though, only pressing his arm tighter into my stomach. He spun me around and slapped his hand across my face, but I couldn’t feel it. I was still numb. I glanced up at him through my bangs, my eyes widening when I saw his nostrils flare. He seemed enraged by my lack of response and slapped me again, pulling me up before I could fall down.

“You’re not like your sister, are you?” he hissed.

“Stop,” I breathed out, but my voice was barely anything but a shaky whisper.

His hand slide to the bottom of my shirt, his fingers curling up and under the fabric until they pressed into my stomach. He slid his fingers up and I gasped at the unwanted contacting, trying to back up, but I only hit his chest.

“S-stop-” I tried again, twisting around until his hand was now on my back. He tried to turn me around but I resisted the best I could, pushing him with a weak gesture.

“I’m just playing around, Jules,” he snickered, his face inches from mine I refused to show him any emotion and I didn’t even care how angry it made him.

“I-I’ll call the police!” I blurted stupidly, turning my face away when he leaned forward. My words stopped him for a moment. I wiggled out of his grasp and began to turn again, but he was quicker than me and pulled me back, forcing me onto the ground.

“No, you won’t,” he growled suddenly, his hands tightening around my arms.

He pushed me into the grass and somehow managed to turn me over while I kicked. My breathing immediately sped up, my gasping uneven with my rapid heart. He reached for my shirt again and managed to yank it up, getting a kick to the shoulder with the back of my foot; he didn’t stop.

“Stop!” I yelled, my voice hoarse and barely loud enough to carry in the wind.

I could hear the fabric of my pajama bottoms rip and my lip quivered, but still no tears came. He lifted my squirming legs up and pulled the material off of me, forcing me to gasp when the cold air hit.

“You can fight all you want,” he growled, one hand forcing me to stay down while the other worked at his belt, “but it won’t do you any good - it didn’t do Cass any good.”

I squeezed my eyes shut just as a familiar voice echoed through my mind, the woods flooding my ears as if he were right there.

“And I think you’d fight for me.” I could see the smile that covered his lips in my head, the way his squinted eyes looked away from me as a rosy tint covered his cheeks. “Or at least I’d want you to.”

I hadn’t realized that my body was still until I opened my eyes, the sight of Zack pulling down his pants pushing me back into panic mode. I kicked my foot out of his unsuspecting hand and pressed it harshly against his face, not caring when he cried out in pain or when blood stained my sock.

I had to fight. I had to fight for Cass, for Nick.

“Stop!” I yelled out, clearing my throat while I wiggled away. “Help!” I screamed out even louder, shutting my eyes tight while I tried to lift myself. “Help me!”

I had never cried out for help before, only taken whatever came to me, what fate brought. Maybe fate was forcing me to call out. Maybe someone would come help me.

I twisted my head in the grass before I made my body follow, scrambling to my hands and knees. I could see a light flicker on in the distance - a light from Nick’s house. I desperately screamed out again.

“Help me! Hel-” I felt a hand slam over my mouth, forcing my lip against my teeth painfully. My eyes clamped shut when Zack forced my back to the ground, but I screamed out again when his hand slipped off. “S-stop… help m-me!”

He snaked his arm around my neck and forced me to sit up on my knees, leaning me until the back of my head rested on his stomach. He clutched his hand around my neck, slowly restricting my breathing as I struggled embarrassingly in only my under clothes. I squirmed with violent fear, wishing the tears would just start coming, but the never did. I was starting to feel light headed now, and I tried my best to stay calm so I could save my breathing, but he only tightened his grip. I cried out, the words incoherent even to me, and scratched at his death grip.

I could feel myself losing when he didn’t let up, my head burning along with my lungs. But my eyes stayed open for a moment longer and, for that moment, I swore I saw a body fly out of that house across the way. And I swore I heard a voice shout my name, but I couldn’t hear right.

Maybe fate wasn’t on my side after all. Maybe it, like time, was just there to play tricks on me until I couldn’t stand anymore.

I couldn’t breathe now and he still didn’t let up, forcing himself to strangle me like he did with Cass. But then I heard a familiar sound and before I knew it I was falling forward, gasping for air before my head forcibly hit the ground.

I didn’t know my fate.

[T I M E]

It was dark.

It was dark and when I tried to open my eyes I couldn’t.

I felt a panic strike through me and I instantly gasped, choking when a tingling in my throat arose. I instantly erupted into a fit of coughs then and jolted forward, wincing when my arm was yanked back by something. Forcing my eyes open, I blinked a few times before my blurry vision was able to settle on the white wall before me. My legs felt itchy and, looking down, I found myself to be covered up by a thick blanket… in a hospital bed. I craned my neck to the right to see that half-open blinds covered a large window and that my arm was hooked up to something, and then I glanced to my left to see a door. The room was silent and stuffy, and I crinkled my nose in disgust.

I hated hospitals. I had hated them ever since Cass dared me to climb a tree, causing me to fall out of it and bust my head.

I gulped despite the soreness of my throat and tried to sit up, scowling when my squirming caused the bedding to scratch at my legs again. I reached for the covers but ended up jumping when my finger got caught, pressing against a red button that sounded an alarm. I glanced around with wide eyes, holding my breath while the alarm blared for a few seconds. The door squeaked open and a nurse popped her head in, a soft smile covering her lips.

“Good,” she chirped, her middle-aged face reminding me of Mrs. Jonas for some reason; it just looked genuinely kind. “You’re up. How are you feeling?” She walked forward before I could answer and flicked another button, cutting the shrill sound off. I sighed with relief.

“Umm,” I tried, pausing to clear my throat. “Okay… I guess.” I took another glance around when my cheeks flushed under her curious gaze, deciding to focus on a poster that hung a few feet away. “Why am, umm… what happened?”

My eyes flickered over to her in a moment of curiosity, my teeth taking their position on my bottom lip, but I immediately winced from the slight pain.

“You had an encounter,” she said easily, pushing herself around the bed and over to the machines beside me. “You blacked out.”

I squinted my eyes before focusing them down at my hands. An encounter? I slid my tongue over my dry, sore lip, and wondered what exactly she meant. It took me a moment before I remembered Zack’s face and I inwardly shivered.

“Anyway,” she chirped again, hurriedly making her way back into my line of sight, “You’ve been out since around 2 this morning.”

“What time is it now?” I croaked, crinkling up my face with pain.

“Around 3 in the afternoon.”

I guess that wasn’t too bad, especially since that horrible face kept flashing around my head. It was almost like I could slowly feel his hands creeping over me again, pulling me around like some rag doll while he talked about my sister. I held my breath.

“You have a few visitors, too,” she suddenly announced, and I snapped my gaze back to her. “I believe a few of them went down to the cafeteria, but one’s still in the hall. Should I send him in?”

Him?

She chuckled at my sudden confusion, giving me another smile. She didn’t wait for me to answer her though, slipping out of the room to leave me alone instead.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall, the pillow smashing down against my back. I remembered just standing there, and then him coming forward, drunk and crazy. And then I remembered him - what he tried to do… and then there was a light and someone coming before he let me go.

A slight pang shot through my head and I bit down on my lip despite the pain. I curled my fingers around the blanket and pushed it down across the large hospital gown to rest against my lap. I had been asleep for more than a few hours; I didn’t have to think about anything then, but now I was awake… and I was so afraid that it would all come crashing back down on me.

My body jerked when the door slowly opened, my eyes immediately trailing over to see who this visitor was. My breath caught when my eyes first settled on those usually neat curls, only this time I found them a little messy. I locked his gaze for a moment, those chocolate orbs filled with too many emotions that he never cared to hide, and he immediately stepped all the way in, closing the door behind him. He took slow steps forward and shoved his hands into his pockets, stopping when he reached the side of the bed. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared up at him, cursing myself when a shy smile twitched at his lips; I blushed.

“You doing okay?” he asked softly. I almost immediately nodded, keeping my eyes on his. He stared at me for a moment longer before he twisted his upper body, glancing at a chair that sat a few feet away. “Can I sit?” he questioned when he turned back around to face me, leaning backwards while waiting for my answer. I nodded again.

He pulled his hands out of his pockets and reached for the chair, slowly sliding it forward until it was close enough to the bed, and then he plopped himself down. He leaned himself forward and rested his elbows on his knees, holding his chin in his palms. And he just stared at me. I shifted under his gaze and darted my eyes over toward the window, but I just had the urge to stare right back at him. When my eyes met his once again I found that he was smiling, his eyes soft as they urged me to speak.

“Umm,” I muttered out with a dry voice. My fingers picked at the blanket nervously and I swallowed hard, ignoring the tingling.

“Julissa…” he breathed out timidly, pursing his lips as I he were thinking of his words carefully. “What were you doing outside?”

I looked away from his gaze and studied my arm, noticing the bruises from where his fingers had been. What could I tell him? That I dreamt about Cass talking to me? He’d think I was crazy… or maybe he thought I already was.

I couldn’t lie to Nick. He’d see through me, just like he saw through Cass.

“I… had a dream,” I started, inhaling and exhaling slowly, “about Cass.”

He looked at me with those understanding eyes and nodded, but there was something else in there.

“Jules,” he whispered, and it was enough to make me hate him for making me feel such feelings for him all over again. “I hated seeing you like that.” It was like it pained him to say that, the way his eyebrows knitted together and his lips pressed together. I was, however, confused. He moved his chin from his hands and held them out in front of him, glancing down at his fingers before I could give him a questioning look. “You looked so scared…”

And then it dawned on me.

“Tha-that was you?” I choked out, my eyes instantly widening. He glanced up from behind his eyelashes, his face holding a calm expression as I freaked out. He had seen me almost naked, almost getting raped, being choked. “You-you…”

“I heard you, Jules,” he whispered, looking back down with flushed cheeks. “I couldn’t sleep because I had this feeling, and then I heard something… and I heard you screaming for help…”

Nick had heard me. He had heard me when I thought no one else could. Was it fate? The time was passing ad I didn’t know what would happen to me, but fate stepped in - Nick stepped in. It was almost too incredible to believe.

“I didn’t know it was you,” I laughed out nervously for reasons I didn’t know. I just couldn’t believe this. Out of everything that happened, this was one of the most unbelievable.

“You blacked out before I could grab you,” he nodded, a heavy sigh falling from his lips. I trailed my eyes down to his plain t-shirt, almost mesmerized by the way his chest rose on fell.

“Nick, he could’ve hurt you.” My voice was stronger this time, but still quiet.

“But he didn’t,” he answered, passing his tongue over his lips. He scooted forward and reached for my hand, his warm fingers curling around mine. “And he can’t hurt you anymore.”

His eyes were so sincere while they stared into mine, burning into me, trying to read my soul like he always did.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s in jail now,” he said clearly, the sternness in his voice comforting me.

I blinked in surprise, not quite sure what feeling I could settle on. He was gone. He didn’t hurt me. He wasn’t coming back. He had taken Cass away, but now he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else.

Nick had saved me.

“You’re sure?” I asked cautiously; he squeezed my hand.

“And your dad is here… with Layla and Damon.” He could see the shock in me and began to rub his thumb across the back of my hand, enveloping me in some sort of daze. “And your mom…” he hesitated, “your mom is going to get help, Jules.”

I wanted so badly to be relieved by his words, but I just couldn’t. If she was going to get help then where would I go? I would have to leave, to move away.

“But… but-” The distress in my voice was clear, and even if it wasn’t I knew he could see how alarmed I suddenly was by the way I sat up. He gave me a confused look, his head cocking to the side, and I knew what he was thinking. Why didn’t the mention of Zack rile me up like this - like the news of my mother getting help? “But where am I supposed to go? Where am I-?”

“Jules, calm down,” he urged gently, reaching out his other hand. I flinched when he lifted it to my cheek but he ignored me, softly pressing his hand against my face, smoothing his fingertips over my hair. “You’ll be with your dad.”

“But-but I don’t… I can’t, Nick,” I struggled. “I can’t, I told you that. I don’t want to leave y-” I immediately paused, slowly taking in his expression. He knew I didn’t want to leave because then I would be leaving him, I had already told him that. And he knew that I liked him. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“I know,” he nodded, “I know, and I don’t want you to go.” My heart fluttered. Stupid Nick and his stupid words. “But this will be good for you. You need this.”

What I need is you.

I didn’t say that, though. But I was so close to letting it slip that it scared me.

“If it’s any consolation…” he started timidly, “your dad said that Joe and I could take you to his house once we finish packing you up. We already started, so it won’t be too long… but still.”

No matter what situation I was in Nick always seemed to find a way to make me smile, and that’s what I did. I smiled because he was so adorable. And it felt good when he smiled back.

“And my mom is going to help your dad with the funeral…” There was a sudden silence in the air, but he never pulled his hand back away from mine. Those words didn’t hurt as much as I thought they would, but it sparked an odd mixture of feelings.

He glanced up at me with concerned eyes then, but a soft smile took over his features and he pressed his thumb to the skin under my eyes. It was only then that I realized I was crying… I was finally crying. I gasp fell from my lips as he wiped the tear away with his thumb, only to be met with more when they flowed freely. I never thought that my body shaking with sobs and my vision becoming blurry with tears falling down my cheeks would be such a relief, but it was. I was finally letting go; letting go of all the pain and hurt and confusion. I was finally going to be okay.

“You fought,” he chuckled lightly, his own eyes glazing over when he gave up on wiping away the never ending tears. “You fought just like I thought you would.”

“I realized that no one was giving up on me,” I smiled, the vision of Cass saying those words in my dream only serving to lift me. The creases by his mouth suddenly appeared as he gave me that closed-lip smile, his eyes gleaming.

“I think everything’s starting to fall into place,” he said. “I think that things will finally get better… for everyone.” I could only nod in agreement.

He pulled his hand away from mine after a few moments of silence and staring, my cheeks almost permanently flushed. He opened his mouth but closed it almost instantly, dropping his head down to stare at his lap. His fingers found his curls and twisted at them nervously for a few moments before he looked up into my wide eyes, trying to speak again. I watched him let out a huff before he stood quickly, moving to the side and then back over to the chair. Was he nervous all of a sudden?

He glanced over at me and moved to the foot of the bed, clutching the hard footboard with a tight grasp. I waited, practically as nervous as he was for no reason at all, but he still never said anything, only biting his lip. I pulled myself farther up into a sitting position and followed him with my eyes yet again as he moved, pushing the chair back with a light scratching sound before he kneeled beside me and grabbed my hand yet again. The movement made my breath hitch and I tried not to look at him, but it was too hard and I caved.

I never had any self-power.

“Jules, everything’s falling into place,” he repeated lowly, his voice still calm and soft with that slight rasp to it. I furrowed my eyebrows. “Cass’s funeral is soon, Zack’s in jail, your mom’s getting help… and you’re moving in with your dad to start over. But I-” He paused suddenly, his eyes roaming around my face. It was like I was clinging to every word, not sure what he was going to say and where he was getting at. “You know, all this time that I’ve spent with you… it means a lot to me, Jules; you’ve always meant a lot to me. I know you probably didn’t know that because Joe was always the one you’d pair up with, but it’s true. I’ve always liked you, you know?” he breathed out.

I didn’t know what to say, so he kept talking.

“I just want you to know that, when we leave you with your dad, we aren’t leaving you... Joe and I. Especially not me. I want you to call me. I want you to come visit me, and not just when Joe’s home from college for whatever reason. I want us to be better friends than we have been because, Jules, you’re so special to me.”

I didn’t know if my mouth was hanging open, but he didn’t comment if it was. He just… stared at me, my favorite brown eyes making me crazy. I wanted to say I hated him like I always did for an excuse, but I couldn’t even lie to myself in that way. In a way I did hate him for making me fall so hard for him with no chance of getting up, but just looking at him… I didn’t care.

“Just don’t tell Joe that I have another best friend,” I managed to force out, though my smile was quite genuine - it always was with Nick. He smiled at me in return again, but the corners of his lips faded downward almost instantly after, his eyes holding something else.

“How long have you liked me?” I didn’t expect him to ask me that, and I blushed again. Hesitating for a moment, I shifted under his gaze and glanced toward the window, not quite sure what to say.

“Since before I even knew how to like someone that way.” I glanced at him quickly, immediately looking away again when he smiled, a soft laugh tumbling from his mouth, but he quickly composed himself.

“I figured something out,” he said, his tone quieter now, urging me to look at him. I almost groaned when I gave in. He leaned in a little closer to me unexpectedly, his warm breath fanning across my lips in slow, hypnotic bursts. “I figured out that there was this girl, and she just so happened to be my little neighbor. She was kind of also my girlfriend’s sister. But you wanna’ know the really funny part?” The words he was whispering made my stomach twist and turn with pesky butterflies and it was almost first instinct to hold my breath and nod. “I fell for her,” he breathed out, and I almost exploded. “I fell for her… but then I realized that maybe I fell for her a long time ago and I was just too blind to see.”

Was it possible to pass out from such words?

He didn’t just say that. My mind was playing tricks on me again - that’s what it was. I had to get a hold on myself.

“Jules?” he questioned, snapping me out of my idiot-stare. “I’m usually patient, but this is kind of an exception…” he trailed off nervously, not quite sure if he should pull away or continue to wait.

“I-I know… I mean-I mean you know… you know I like you….”

The corners of his mouth uplifted and he looked down in an embarrassed manner, his fingers lacing with mine. I was jittery inside, not quite sure I this was good in my current state. I guess I was lucky to already be in a hospital.

I waited for him to say something, anything because the silence was killing me, but he never did. He looked up instead, his face holding a whole new expression, one I hadn’t seen since Cass had gone.

He lifted his body from his crouching position and leaned forward, resting his palm on the side over my blanket-covered leg. His breath was minty, but the scent that took over was his in general, and it was hard not to just close my eyes right then. In fact, it was so hard that I couldn’t stop it and my eyes closed anyway. It wasn’t even a second later that I felt his lips press against mine, creating a jolt through me that I had only experienced mildly the other times he had kissed me. This was different.

He liked me. After everything, after seeing how screwed up I was, he liked me.

And it wasn’t just because he missed Cass.

His lips moved softly against mine, urging me to kiss back like he had before, and… I did. I kissed back and for once I didn’t feel guilty. For once I let it happen, and I liked it.

He pulled back almost all-too-soon, though he left his nose touching mine, both of our eyes wide as they stared into each other.

“I told you I’d understand you sooner or later.” His words mixed with a breathy laugh, making me smile. “And I promised I’d find you.”

“I don’t want to go, Nick,” I gushed out, not even caring anymore.

“You can start over now. You don’t have to hurt anymore. And I promise, Julissa,” he murmured, “I promise that I’ll come see you as often as I can. You won’t be that far away.”

“Do you really think it’ll be different now? That everything will finally be okay?”

I needed that reassurance from Nick.

“It will,” he agreed, gently pushing my hair away from my face. “You’ll be in a different place.”

I took in his words and held them close, and I couldn’t help blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. “Will you take me there?”

Whenever Nick was around I turned into such a sap… and I was okay with that.

“I’ll take you anywhere, Jules,” he smiled, tilting his head a little more, forcing me to shut my eyes from the close proximity of our lips. “Anywhere.”

He didn’t give me a chance to respond before his lips met mine again, and I didn’t care. His lips molded to mine, his hand slowly tilting me closer, moving his lips more firmly against my own.

This was it. This was what I wanted. Mom wouldn’t hit me anymore and she could go back to how she used to be. I could be with my dad without having to worry. I could be normal. And even though Cass wasn’t coming back… I could accept it. She had forced me to be myself, in a weird way. And I was thankful for that. Cass was my spine, my sister, but I could finally live for myself.

I could be Julissa Lane. And that could be okay.

I now knew that time wasn’t the only thing that held a spot in my life. I had been proved to first hand that time worked closely with a little thing called fate. And, as Nick’s lips moved soundly against mine, I finally realized that fate had stepped in. I had gone through hell, but I think I now believed that there was something like fate, and it stepped in and saved me.

My fate was Nick.

Finally.