Take Me There

Moments are crucial in life; they’re like winding staircases, each with a different path to a different room. You live in moments. You might revisit one, in a memory or in real time, and you learn by moments. Moments are time: you live by time.

I believe strongly in time. I believe that it helps you heal, that it teaches you and molds you so that you can be someone as time continues to pass. Whatever I did, whatever terrible thing I lived out, made me an enemy to time - to moments. As time went, hours and minutes passed, and I wasn’t any better; I wasn’t healed. As time went, I didn’t see any hope that I hadn’t already thought of. My mother wasn’t home, but when she got back there was not telling how she‘d be. Dad hadn‘t been around, but now he was trying to add me into his normal life. Cass wasn’t here; she never would be. I was alone. In those moments, in those minute, I was waiting for something and nothing at the same time.

Time made me realize that moments happen, and the moments that you like never last, and time stands still for an instant in the moments you dread. I learned that there was a fifty-fifty chance for everything. Mom could come back in months as a changed person, or just as crazy as she was. Dad could give up on trying to make me ‘normal’ again, or he could keep trying because maybe he really did care. And then there was Nick; would he take back all that he said?

But today, in this moment, all I could think about was Cass. She was dead - gone forever.

I believe that there will be a moment in time where you decide to change. Whether it be the way you look, the way you act, the things you like, or what you do. Whether it be your mindset, your goals, your attitude, or your beliefs. Or maybe it’s the way you feel, if you can feel. And then you’d have to choose.

I was still wondering if I had chosen something beneficial.

Two and a half days at my dad’s now, but the “and counting” part is pending. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and he even left me alone for the most part, but despite everything I knew I was homesick. I guess I really didn’t have a home, so what I really meant was that I was Nick-sick. That in itself was sort of sickening.

I recognized the way Layla tried to make me feel at home, but I couldn’t contribute to anything much. I ate dinner with them for those two days, listening to Damon talk about all the sports he was going to do once school started, like he was excited for that. I wasn’t excited for school - it would be even worse now that the only friend I had (besides Joe) didn’t go to my school now. But I had to smile at him and act like everything was okay because he didn’t really understand the way I was feeling. I didn’t really expect anyone to.

But Dad was a different story. He lost his daughter; I lost my sister; Nick lost his girlfriend. All of us lost Cass, but we all dealt with it in a different way. Dad tried to comfort me, but when he saw it wasn’t going to work after the first half-day of trying, he gave up. He let me be. He knew that, in time, I’d get better… with everything.

And no one brought up Mom.

I didn’t know what one thing to set my mind on while we rode back to what I would always call my home town. There were so many thoughts that filled my mind, jumping at me from every angle, but I was afraid that every one thing would hurt me. Mom: I missed her, but every time I thought of her face, so full of hate and pain, I wondered if she would appear just to slap me again. Dad: I didn’t want him to know how unhappy I was now that I moved in with him and, even though I’d get used to it sooner or later, I felt so out of place. Nick: I missed him… more than anything, and I was so confused. And then, finally, Cass. Today was a day of Cass that I wasn’t ready for.

Today was her funeral.

I had told myself that I could stay numb just for this day. I had told myself, actually, that I wouldn’t even think about this day. But it had come, just like they all do, and time seemed to fail me once again. I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that time was on nobody’s side and that I myself would have to do everything at the mercy of time. So, here I was now, riding in the backseat next to Damon - who was too busy playing videogames to try and comfort me, even though he’d fail - and on our way to the Jonas’s house.

We passed that old park and all the memories came flooding back, even the one where Nick had kissed me on the grass after chasing me. Though that was enough to make me smile it didn’t; the image of Cass flirting with Nick in that same park demolished it and made me feel like throwing up. I knew whatever I was feeling toward Nick, toward Cass’s boyfriend, couldn’t be right. It was a sin, wasn’t it? It had to be. And as much as I wanted to blame everything on Nick and the events that happened in the hospital… I just couldn’t. I had dreamed about that happening, under different circumstances, and I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t know what it meant, though, because he hadn’t made anything clear on my way to the car.

When I was out of the hospital my dad let me stay the night at the Jonas’s. Kevin had to get back to Danielle, but Joe stayed with me and Nick and Frankie, and for once I felt a little relieved. Mom was getting help, Zack was gone, and I could let my emotions free (some, anyway.) But Nick had frustrated me. He sat next to me on the couch, closer than usual, but he never said anything. How hard could a simple conversation be after he had said what he said; after he practically confessed his shockingly mutual feelings for me? I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew he was making the thoughts harder to push away.

Somehow, though, I felt like I knew him enough to know what he was doing. He was waiting, observing me, and when the time was right - most likely after I left - he would think about this situation he created or himself.

And then he would call me and say he lied about everything because I was gone and now he didn’t have to deal with me.

That call never came, so I was safe. But now I would actually see him and I wondered how it would be.

That stupid part of my mind, the part that seemed even stupider, was telling me I missed him so much already. I hated it.

Layla had turned on the radio and kept it at a low volume even though no one was talking, making everything feel more awkward. I tried to focusing on the slow turning of the car, keeping my eyes on the street signs so I knew how many more seconds of nerves I would have to endure.

“Julissa?” I tore my gaze away from the side window and glanced up front instead, a swirling in my stomach coming as soon as I saw their house.

“Yeah, dad?” I tried not to hold my breath.

“Denise said you’d ride with them, right?”

We had this planned, but right now I was wondering if it was too late to back out of it. I wanted to see them, but everything was so confusing for me. I wanted to finally be okay but Cass’s funeral was making everything so much harder. If I had a choice in the matter everything would be different; I’d be living by myself, I wouldn’t go to this funeral, and I would stay locked up. I knew it was easy to say that now while I was confused and hurt and nervous, so in reality I didn’t really know what I wanted. I never did.

“Right…”

The familiar SUV was parked in their wide driveway… right next to the shiny mustang. The flowerbed on the grass was still ruined from when Joe had tackled me on the day I left with my dad; it was a slight consolation. I was aware that our car had stopped by the curb and that Layla’s radio station had been cut off, making my ears rejoice silently, but my focus was directed to the front door and the person who had swung it open.

Joe stood in the doorway with a wide smile on, his hair a mess and his glasses perched on his nose. I couldn’t help but smile at him through the window, but it started to fade as soon as I saw the bags he was holding. Was he leaving? Leaving me alone? With… Nick.

“Jules!” I could hear his muffled voice shout, so it was then that I chose to open the door. I was careful to keep the black dress smoothed down, remembering how it looked hanging up in my closet all this time; now I was wearing it… to my sister’s funeral. “Jules, come ‘ere!” His voice rang me out of my bad thoughts and I forced a smile on, one that was only half genuine, and slowly made my way over to him in the flats that were almost too big for my feet. “I missed you!” was what he said when he plopped his bags down to yank me into a tight hug. I laughed a little.

“I just saw you two and a half days ago.”

“I know!” he grinned, “but I won’t see you for a while…” I pulled back just enough to stare up at him - my best friend - and tried to hide my disappointment.

“You’re… leaving?”

But, like Nick, he knew.

His face fell when he nodded and he sighed, pulling me back into him. “I’m so sorry, Julissa. I wanted to be here for you and for Cass -” I squeezed him tight, “but I really need to get back. I’m a crummy best friend, I know.”

“No.” I shook my head immediately, not caring that it made my forehead bump into his shoulder. I was too used to bruises that I didn’t care. “You’re not, Joe.”

“I know you need someone, Jules,” he whispered, acting as if he were telling me some big secret. I knew I needed someone to be there for me because I couldn’t stand being alone anymore - I was afraid. “I wish I could be here for you, like I used to.”

“We’re growing up, right?” I tried to reason, but when I pulled myself into him I knew I missed him just as much.

“You definitely are,” he laughed suddenly. He almost had to force me away from him, gripping my shoulders instead. He trailed his eyes over me with that soft, comforting smile that only Joe could give; it felt like he was my big brother again, like maybe I hadn’t isolated myself and gone through all those horrible things. Like I was just Julissa again.

“Joe…” I could feel myself blushing, but it didn’t feel the same as when Nick made me blush. And I blushed harder.

“You’ll always be my little sister, you know?” I nodded weakly. “And even though I can’t be here for this I promise that I won’t miss the next big event.”

I gave him a questioning look and he grinned.

“You know, you’re wedding! I better be your maid of honor.”

Only Joe could make me laugh in a situation like this.

“I’m not getting married anytime soon.”

He gave me a look that said he knew better, accompanied with a smile that showed me that everything could be different now - better. I wanted to throw myself into him and beg him not to leave me alone, but I had never needed Joe so much and I wasn’t about to start now.

I looked up to see a new figure standing in the doorway just as a voice sounded, and my eyes were unable to look away from him. He was glancing down at what his hands were doing, his fingers trying to pull at the tie in a tired way that made him seem a little not himself. His curls were as neat as his outfit; black skinny jeans that somehow fit him a little loosely, a white tank top paired underneath an almost-transparent white button up that showed some of his lightly tanned skin from over the scoop of the tank, and on top of that was just a black open jacket with the sleeves rolled up. I looked down after a moment of staring and his unusual oblivion to see that he was wearing his black converse.

“Joe,” he said, and he sighed without looking up. “Mom says you better get going. It’s supposed to rain…” I didn’t know if he trailed off to give Joe the idea, or if it was because he saw me when he looked up. I looked away from him quickly and stepped away from Joe, using my slightly shaking fingers to push my hair out of my face.

Joe’s sigh made everything seem that much more real. “I know. I’m on my way no, bro.” I tried not to, but my curiosity got the best of me and I peeked at Nick’s face through my bangs. He was staring right at me, giving his tie one more loose tug before dropping his arms to his side.

I wanted to believe that Nick’s eyes lit up a little when they landed on me, and that when I gave him my nervous smile they shined a little brighter, but maybe I was just delusional, wanting something that - at this point - I wasn’t so sure I could have. I knew it wasn’t impossible anymore, thanks to Nick’s words at the hospital, but it didn’t seem too real to me.

“You’ll be okay, Jules,” Joe said lowly, but I was sure Nick could hear, especially since he looked like he was observing us intensely. “I wish I could be here, but Nick will take good care of you.” I darted my eyes back over to Nick with burning cheeks, watching his eyes become a little softer.

“Great…”

Joe leaned down and pressed his lips against my forehead, his slight stubble giving me a funny feeling that made me shut my eyes. I smiled weakly, though, and inhaled his never-changing scent. Just like Nick, it would always be the same.

“Love you, Jules,” he murmured, but then he turned and shouted. “Love you, Nick!” I saw Nick give a small smirk just as he leaned himself up against the door, his hand rising again to wave at his brother.

“Love you too, Joe.”

I turned away from Nick to see my Dad’s car now gone and Joe making his way over to his own car, bags in hand. He threw them in the trunk and gave us a wave before climbing in, hesitating for a moment before speeding down the street. And I knew I should’ve felt alone like I usually would, even with Nick standing at the door behind me, but I didn’t. There was an odd sense to me and where I was now, the nerves and the wish to not be here almost completely disappearing. I wanted Joe to stay, of course, but maybe just having Nick around (with Mr. and Mrs. Jonas and Frankie) wouldn’t be so bad.

Maybe I was even crazier.

I could feel eyes burning into my back and I knew I couldn’t stand out her in the cool wind forever. I turned myself around with a slow swivel moment, and gave my gaze the hesitant direction to focus on Nick. He smiled at me with that Nicholas-smile, and I smiled back, and for a moment it was almost like we were back to square one; back to how we were before everything happened, like I was Julissa Lane and Nick was Nicholas Jonas, and that the quite possible nonexistent moments of ‘Nick and Julissa’ would still actually exist, just like they always had, but in a way that we were all oblivious of - except for maybe Nick because he seemed to know everything.

I was thinking so much that my brain almost hurt. I was giving myself a headache because I hadn’t thought this much in such a long time. I tried to calm my head while I walked across the grass and closer to Nick. He kept his relaxed posture, only dropping his arms from their crossed position on his chest to rest at his sides, and he just… stared at me. He stared at me in a way that I was so familiar with, but with a certain added look that gave me all the unwanted butterflies my stomach could hold.

I stepped up toward him and awkwardly stood there, clasping my hands together. He rested the side of his head against the doorway but kept his eyes on me, the softness in the chocolate irises giving me an uncontrollable warmth. I didn’t know which one of us would speak first, but I hoped more than anything that it would be him, that he would just say something. It felt hard to swallow.

“You look really pretty, Jules.”

Did that really just come out of his mouth?

I stared up at him, like I usually did, and I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was different. Maybe it was the fact that the last time he had kissed me I actually willingly, throwing all my thoughts away and not caring, kissed him back? The burning sensation within my skin did not stop.

“So do you,” was what I blurted out. He raised those thinly arched eyebrows at me just barely, making me stutter out more. “I-I mean, you… umm, not pretty, but you look - you look good.”

I mentally cursed and slapped myself at once.

My eyes were drawn away from his to focus on the smile that was creeping over his lips, the creases around his mouth suddenly appearing enough to make them seem like unique dimples just before he looked down. Suddenly I wished Joe was here again, my security blanket.

And I proved to need him when I spit something else out.

“You didn’t call.” It had only been two days - actually, a day and a half - without talking to him, but I felt almost betrayed in a way. I was gone away from everyone I knew to be with my Dad and Nick hadn’t even contacted me. Did that mean that it would be like that all the time? That he would forget me? We weren’t dating or anything, but I at least felt entitled to a phone call if he was going to be my best friend. Whatever that meant.

“It wasn’t the right time.”

I gave him a look of confusion and tried to figure out what that meant, but my mind almost completely turned to much as soon as he reached out to me, pushing away from the wall to gently tug me into him. His movements mirrored Joe in a way, but they were slower and gentler, almost romanticized in a way. Maybe I was imagining this romanticism, but I wouldn’t put it past Nick; he was intoxicating in many ways.

He arms circled around my waist, resting on my sides in a manner that wouldn’t tickle me (I didn’t know how he knew which spot would, in fact, tickle me), and I was almost forced to rest against him. There was a certain comfort in him, and so much more, that made me feel right in indescribable ways, and I hated it. I really hated it.

I could feel his chest rise and fall slowly against me before I even heard the sigh fall from his lips, and then he leaned down to whisper against my hair.

“I wanted to see you.”

How did I know he did? He could just be saying that to keep up with the what-could-have-been lies from the hospital. Or maybe he meant it. I didn’t know.

“I don’t… want to be here.” My voice was a sudden emotional whisper. Prompting me to cling to him.

“I know.” I was relieved he didn’t take it the wrong way, instead rubbing his hand over my back to comfort me. “None of us want today to happen, but we know it has to.”

“I’m not ready.” I knew he understood how hard it was for me to say that after I had gone so long trying to push Cass away from my mind and heart. It never worked.

“I know, Jules,” he said delicately, pressing his nose into my hair. I shut my eyes tight. “But this is it now. This is what we all need; it’s closure. Closure for you, for me…”

And then it hit me again, just like it always did. This was Cass’s boyfriend.

I tried to pull away from him now but he wouldn’t let me, only pulling me back into his warm and dreamlike-atmosphere.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he breathed out to me, “but you have to know it isn’t true. Me and Cass…” he paused suddenly, leaving me hanging for only a few torturous moments before continuing. “We shouldn’t talk about this now, but Jules - Jules, you have to know that I won’t let you go. I’m here for you and I want you there for me. We don’t have to be alone.”

Then where did that leave us?

I didn’t ask that, though, because I was afraid of all the possible answers when all I wanted to hear was one.

“Frankie, come on, honey,” I heard Mrs. Jonas’s familiar voice say, and Nick let me pull back from him this time. That was definitely longer than just a greeting hug, but I really couldn’t complain. I needed his comfort. “Where’s Nick?”

“Right here, mom!” Nick called back just as soon as I saw her feet step onto the stairs, and then her body appeared. She paused for a moment to give me a warm smile, her fingers toying with her earring, and then she came forward again but followed by Frankie now.

“Julissa, you look beautiful…” It almost looked like she was biting back more words, only deciding to say them a second later. “Cass would be so proud.”

My mother wouldn’t. Not now, anyway.

“Thanks, Mrs. Jonas.” I put on a brave smile just for her because of the way she made me feel - so welcome and at home. “Thanks for being here… for me.”

“Of course, Julissa. We’re all here for you, you know. And Cass was so special to all of us. We should all share that.” I nodded in a slow agreement and took in her strong embrace, sighing when she pulled back to motion Frankie along. “We should be on our way,” she said; her gaze shifted to Nick then. “Your father’s probably waiting with Julissa’s dad by now.”

Nick gripped my arm and pulled me closer to him unnecessarily, allowing Mrs. Jonas to shut the door behind her so she and Frankie could pass by. I kept my gaze away from him even though his was burning into my face, feeling the urge to ask him to hold me and not let go come on.

I would not be that helpless. Not even for Nick.

I hoped.

He didn’t allow me to pull back right away, but when he did he made it seem like he were almost insistent to keep his pace with mine, which wasn’t a challenge considering I was walking slow again. His hand bumped mine several times, making me unsure of what he was doing or if it was just us walking too close. Whatever it was it somehow - unbelievably - made me shift and be glad that I was going to sit in the backseat with him; Frankie was already sitting up front.

Nick helped me in before I could protest and slid in next to me. The car began to pull out of the driveway, allowing us to take off once again, but this time to a place I never wanted to go.

I was never really fond of lakes. I think this was because of the fact that, at one point in my childhood, something went wrong there.

I remembered the car ride and I remembered how “happy” mom and dad still acted, even though they had just yelled at each other the night before. And I remembered Cass smiling, grabbing my arm, and telling me that we would have so much fun there. She was in her tomboy stage still - still my sister. She didn’t care that her hair would get wet or that she wasn’t wearing an actual bathing suit, or that I was still little enough to not exactly understand everything at once; I was sort of like Joe, in a way.

But she was set on having fun and no one could ruin it for her. Everyone was set on having fun: the Jonas’s were riding behind us.

So when we got to the lake and I looked out the window I remembered being able to know how beautiful it was. And I remembered that everyone, especially Nick, thought the same. When Mrs. Jonas told him that she didn’t really like the idea of him following Joe and Kevin out into the water… he almost started crying. I didn’t understand what the big deal was, but I later learned that nick had a thing for swimming that quickly died down only a few years later. But, right then, he wanted nothing more than to jump in after his brothers and Cass. No one told me I could or couldn’t go in, but twenty minutes after Nick sulking against a tree and the rowdy noises of my sister and the two boys I decided that I wanted to try.

I was scared and I wanted to ask someone for help on getting down the rocks, but Mom and Dad were now fighting, their mood drastically changed. I didn’t dare interrupt them, so I walked on towards the tree that Nick was by, ignoring him as he ignored me; though I could feel him staring at me with something like curiosity every time I moved closer to the edge of the rocks. I didn’t think about going to the far side where Cass had gone in because I was too busy remembering how Joe jumped from the spot I was standing at, and I wanted in on the fun.

Nothing bad did really happen, not like the bike incident or almost getting lost, but looking down and into that water instilled a new fear into me: one of heights. I remembered that my chubby legs started to wobble and I tried to move back because now I knew that it was a stupid idea, but I slipped instead. I didn’t scream like I thought I would when I began to tumble forward and off the rock, but I did gasp when I felt a tight hand on my arm. It wasn’t enough to stop me, though it was enough to push me away from the rock that I would’ve hit my head on, and glancing up I saw that it was Nick and that he was falling with me. Neither of us made a sound until we hit the water.

And I remember that his hand never let my arm go, not even after everyone came over to see if we were okay; not even when their voices mingled together because of how much they were talking.

And it occurred to me that Nick never let me fall.

My body lurched forward when my foot caught on a rock, the movement snapping me out of my thoughts. But there was that familiar grasp on my arm, pulling me back up to my feet before I could hit the ground, steadying me against him.

“I got you,” he said quickly, taking in my wide eyes. It was impossible not to stare at him and wonder how he could say such a simple thing and make me feel like it meant so much more.

“I-I thought I was gonna’ fall…”

“You’re okay.” His eyes held a reassurance that I knew I couldn’t find anywhere else and it made me want to take his hand and just run away from the crowd of people we were now in, all of us close by that same lake. Nick’s eyes darted past me, landing on a few familiar faces here and there, but what they really took in was the big tree and all the rocks surrounding the water in the distance. He didn’t say anything about it, but I knew he remembered.

I tore my eyes away from Nick to dart them around all the people dressed in something black, their voices shooting off like fireworks. The only difference was that I felt sick. I spotted people from school, close friends of Cass, even a few that were only acquainted with her. I recognized a few family members, friends of my parents, teachers… everyone seemed to be here. My heart sank to my stomach because the reality of it was more than itself.

I was at my sister’s funeral.

“This can’t be happening…” I breathed it out before I could really make much sense of it. Nick heard me and it was only when he squeezed my arm that I realized he had never let go. And, in a way, it urged me to speak. “Everyone is here… everyone, except for my own mother.”

“She’s getting help, Jules,” he replied softly. His other hand moved from his side and onto my wrist gently, his fingers moving in a way that could be described as a caress against my skin. I had to hold my breath in fear of gasping like an idiot. “But you know she’s here. When Cass…” He still struggled with that d-word, just like me. “…she took that good piece of your mom, and now she’s trying to get it back for herself.”

It was always Nick who found the good in someone. I hated it.

“She doesn’t have to be here, so why should I?” I never imagined myself being bitter at my sister’s funeral. I never imagined being at my sister’s funeral period. But here I was, surrounded by people, feeling almost as alone as ever.

“Because you know you’d regret it if you weren’t,” he stated factually, but he still held that soft tone and it drove me crazy. I felt the need to cry now, to just drop down to my knees and beg someone to do something. I didn’t know what I wanted; I knew Cass was never coming back, so maybe I just wanted to feel some sort of -

Closure. Just like Nick had said. Coming here would give me closure, hopefully.

I nodded my head stiffly. He dropped one hand from me but slid the other down, clasping it around mine. He didn’t speak of the action, try to tell me that he was just comforting me, and somehow I believed that it was a true thing. And holding his hand made me better. Even if it were for just that moment.

I could see Nick’s family and my family in the middle of the crowds, my dad getting everyone to quiet down. It felt more like some stupid meeting rather than a goodbye to Cass and it made me wonder if she was watching in disapproval. I couldn’t fix it, though. I wasn’t ready to even try.

“I want to thank you all for coming,” were the shaky words my dad started off with once Nick and I reached the crowd. I wondered if he would explain to everyone what he had told me just the night before: that Cass had been cremated already and that this funeral - today - was just a way for everyone to say goodbye. I don’t know if that’s what she would have wanted or not. “I know that this is a hard time for all of us, losing someone so dear to our hearts…”

How could he say that to a group of practically strangers?

“My daughter…” He was getting choked up already and I knew I wouldn’t last very long if I listened. I wasn’t ready for this yet, no matter how hard I tried to be. I was ready to heal and be normal again, to take on new things in life to better myself and everyone around, but this… I just wasn’t ready for right now. “She was such a wonderful person. Cassandra always strived to be the best, to do right. She worked hard for everything and she never complained.”

I didn’t want to rain on his parade, but he was not talking about the Cass I knew. He was talking about the Cass she was before everything started to fall apart, before she had this crazy idea that she could be perfect. But I said nothing because I knew that Cass’s heart was always in the right spot. Because I missed her more than anything.

“She always loved her little sister, too; Julissa.” Everyone seemed to know exactly where I was standing and they immediately turned to face me. My eyes were wide and filled with unwanted tears, and I quickly looked back down at my feet. Nick gave my hand a discreet squeeze as if to give me a recognition that I actually wanted. “When they were younger,” he started again and that seemed to be enough to draw in everyone’s attention - including mine, “they were practically inseparable. Julissa and Cassandra and the Jonas boys were all best friends; you could never see a group of kids that got along more than them. They went practically everywhere together, not caring about all the different ages they were.

“I remember the first time Cass went out with Nick -” I turned my head at the mention of his name to see a ghost of a smile on his lips, his eyes zoned in on nothing in particular. “She was so excited. She liked him so much and I knew that he really felt something for my daughter.” I was feeling guilty now, his words eating at me. Was I ruining those feelings for him now? Maybe he didn’t want to let Cass go. Maybe I was forcing that onto him when I couldn’t even fix myself. “I watched them grow up together, through countless fights and break-ups, but they were best friends and it was so easy to see.”

Maybe I was selfish and bitter and no good, but I couldn’t listen to this anymore. I pulled my hand away from Nick’s and crossed my arms tightly over my chest instead, using myself as a security blanket because now I felt as if I had no one. I could feel Nick looking at me, wondering what I was thinking while thoughts blasted through his own mine, but I had to tune him out just like I was tuning my dad’s words out now.

I kept my gaze down at where I stood in the grass, taking a couple gradual steps away from Nick as the words continued on, finishing up from my dad only to have the next person step up. Time seemed to drag on now, the words droning on. A few made their way into my mind: beautiful, brilliant, amazing friend, never forgotten. These were all true about my sister and I hope I never would forget her, but I still didn’t want to be here. The tears wouldn’t go away, insisting on staying to fall even though I was trying to will them back. I didn’t have that kind of power anymore.

Not having Cass by my side would slowly sink in, I knew that, but getting to the point where I finally accepted it would be the hard part. And everything on the way? I didn’t even know.

Thinking about her without really thinking about her seemed to make the time go a little faster and my attention was brought back. Dad was standing in front of the crowd again, his sad eyes slowly dancing across the many people. And then they landed on me.

“Does anyone else have a few words to say?”

My immediate reaction was to take a big step backwards, but that landed me against Nick’s chest, freezing me even more. Dad’s eyes darted away from me just as Nick’s arms wrapped around my waist, and any relief I would have gotten was now replaced with my never-ending nerves. Why was he doing this to me? I hated this, the way he made me feel. I hated it, but at the same time… I loved it. I couldn’t admit it to myself before but somehow I could now, even with the guilt about forcing Nick’s feelings for Cass away. I wanted to believe that there was something between us, but it scared me that I would never know.

I had never been as frightened as I had in this past month. I had a feeling that I would never be this frightened again.

I recognized the fact that everyone was beginning to move now, spreading out to different places around the lake. They started talking again, waiting for my Dad and Layla and Damon. They’d glance at me and when they stared I almost wondered why, but then I felt his hands on me and I knew they didn’t approve. But who would? If you were at a funeral and saw the dead girl’s sister hanging around with her boyfriend, with his arms around her, would there be much approval?

I bit my lip and slid away from him, not quite sure if it would even hurt him as much as it hurt me. I didn’t like running away from him anymore. I didn’t want to.

And he wouldn’t let me.

I tried to take a step forward but his hand was once again in mine, his fingers folding in between mine like they were supposed to be there. He spun around so I could face him, my wide teary eyes meeting his calm ones. And now I wanted to hate him more than ever… but I couldn’t. There was no more doubt in my feelings for him, if there ever was, and I had to admit that.

He opened his mouth to speak but I flung my arms around him instead, a silent sob racking through my body as soon as it was pressed against him. He held me without an ounce of shock, pressing his cheek against my forehead. I felt so close to him and it made me cry even harder because I felt so wrong. I didn’t know what to believe; when I was with Nick I knew it felt right, but I didn’t know if it actually was. When I was with Nick I knew that I could be somebody, but at the same time I didn’t feel any sort of pressure to be better than whatever I was at the moment. And when I was with Nick… when he was holding me and comforting me and kissing my forehead like he was now, I knew there really couldn’t be anything done about the way I felt. I just wish I knew if that was a good thing or not.

“You don’t need to pull away from me,” he whispered between my soft cries, holding me just a little tighter so I could feel like he was shielding me from the world. I thought about how he used to do this for Cass but, for once, I didn’t seem to care.

“Don’t you ever think… that this is wrong?” I managed to breathe out against his shoulder, clasping my fingers tightly around the fabric of his jacket.

“That what’s wrong?”

“Us!” I cried out. “Us, Nick! Don’t you think that it’s wrong?” I had never said that there was an ‘Us’ without taking it back, if I had ever said it before, and somehow it made it feel that much more special. I knew I was screwed up for being so confused, but that’s how Nick made me feel; I couldn’t do anything about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with us,” he said in a strong voice. “You just keep making yourself feel like everyone is looking down on you-”

“Because they are! They look at me like I’m the freak. I’m the dead girl’s sister and I’m all over her boyfriend!”

“Jules…” he tried calmly, actually pulling away from me. His face was serious, like it usually was, but there was so much more emotion in it. “You’re not a freak. Cass is gone and she’s not coming back, and we all have to accept that. And I’m not her boyfriend anymore… I haven’t been for a long time.” I was confused again, but I knew in a way, too. Cass and Nick tried, but it didn’t work, and when she went off… that was it. Did he know it was coming? Was that why he had gotten so upset when I had told him the truth?

“I-I…I just don’t want to take her away from you…” I sniffled back the tears and looked away from him, focusing my eyes out on that one tree.

“You could never take anything away from me, Julissa.” His tone and words made me glance back at him, myself a little more composed. Looking at him… I couldn’t describe everything I felt. He made me feel like going through everything would be worth it

“I never noticed…” I began with a slow, nervous laugh, “how often you were always there for me… how many things I could remember. They never came back to me until I spent more time with you and it makes me realize that, in a way, you were sort of always there.”

He gave me the smile that I had seen so much of lately, making me smile weakly in return.

“Sometimes you don’t know what’s best for you. Not even when they’ve been right in front of you.”

The way he made my heart stop was something I would never get used to, but it was something that I hated to love.

“I’m not the best for you…” My voice was weak because of how close Nick was now.

“How do you know that?”

I didn’t have an answer for him and the way he looked at me told me he already knew that. He knew he had won; he had gotten to me again, just like he had in the hospital, just like he always had. But I still didn’t know what that meant and he sensed that somehow.

“You know I’ll always be here for you, Julissa,” he whispered. His hand settled on my cheek and he swiped his thumb slowly across my skin, almost distracting me from his words. “I’ll be a phone call away, and when you really need me I’ll drive myself over to your house. What I have with you… I’ve never felt this way before. Somehow I always knew that you’d be special to me, but I never really imagined how much you could make me fall for you. I’ll wait as long as I have to for you to understand that.”

And then what? What are you waiting for?

“You know that I’m not… good.”

“No,” he shook his head. “I know that you’ve been through a lot, more than anyone should ever have to go through, and that you’re strong. And I know you can understand that I feel the same as you feel. “

“What does that mean?” The stress in my voice was there and unable to be pushed away. I was so desperate to understand what he was saying, to know what he wanted or what he planned on doing.

“It means,” he murmured, his face seeming to be closer to mine without me even noticing him moving, “that I want to try something with you, anything you’ll let me have. Just let me be there for you, let me. Understand that you’re what I want and that you’re what I’ve wanted, and that this won’t change.”

From what he said at the hospital to what he was saying now… I couldn’t argue. No matter how many times I was and will be bruised, or how many nights I’ll continue to cry because I miss my sister, I’ll always have Nick. Whether he be just a friend or something more, I’ll have him. And that one single thought was the first real step to making me a better person; a better Julissa. Nick was teaching me that I didn’t have to be ashamed of myself and that I didn’t have to change for anyone - that I wouldn’t have to change for him.

Looking at him, at his gentle eyes and his curls and freckles and all his beauty, I knew that maybe I could be okay in the long run if he was with me somehow. And I knew that I would have to make a choice because this was where I was. Things were up to me now; I didn’t have to hide behind anyone and expect them to pick what was best for me.

I was Julissa Lane and that’s all I had to be.

I didn’t know what to say to Nick, so I smiled instead and it was genuine. I could see him return it with his eyes before it even reached his lips, and I didn’t give him a chance to actually smile.

I kissed him.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his perfect ones, not listening to all the fears and guilt of everything. I kissed him and he kissed me, and it felt right. It felt like a Nick and Julissa moment - a moment that I chose this time.

Cass had shown me with her constant strive to be perfect that it was really okay just to be myself, and I understood that now. And Nick was now set on helping me carry that out… with him. He was showing me that we couldn’t go back in time, but that we could find someone to take us there, to a place where you could move on. I was choosing that now. While his lips moved soundly against mine and my fingers continued to tangle in his hair, I chose. I chose him.

I believe that there will be a moment in time where you decide to change. Whether it be the way you look, the way you act, the things you like, or what you do. Whether it be your mindset, your goals, your attitude, or your beliefs; or maybe it’s the way you feel – if you can feel - and then you’d have to choose.

I knew that I had chosen something more than beneficial; something and amazing and beautiful; something that would take me to a place where I could be myself and learn to move on.

I had chosen to be with Nick and to be okay.

I was there now.