Take Me There

Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why do we exist in a world with so many people that we’ll never know or hear of? These were questions I really didn’t care about. I did, however, care about why my sister was acting the way she was. Why wasn’t Cass… Cass? It was like some whole new person took over her body; Cass had the same ice blue eyes and the same blond hair, but she wasn’t the same. She would never be the same.

Cass stayed locked up in her room, everything silent through the house. I sat on the couch and stared at the black screen of the TV. I didn’t want to switch it on. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt like a parent, sitting downstairs, and waiting for their daughter--who is acting up--to stomp down the stairs to face you. I wouldn’t know though. Mom never did that for me; mom never cared. She wasn’t even home yet… from yesterday. Sometimes it felt like I was raising myself, but sometimes… I just knew I was.

It was getting dark out, the room leaving me submerged in darkness. I never opened the blinds or the windows, never wanted to feel the breeze or see the sun. That was Cass. I let out a sigh and turned my head to face the clock on the wall, the time seeming to freeze. And then I heard footsteps. Cass crept down the stairs, her head hung low and her bag strap around her elbow. I turned myself around, craning my neck to see her move towards the door.

“Cass… where are you going?” I whispered, making her jump. Her eyes were wide, almost scared. Her lips were tugged tightly together, her hand grabbing her back securely.

She didn’t answer.

“Cass, please?” I whispered. I’d beg my sister not to go; the look on her face told me that I should. I knew that I should’ve done something.

She let a sigh escape her tight lips, stepping towards me slowly. I watched her readjust her bag and then set her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to stare into her once vivid eyes--they looked cold and lonely now. Cold and lonely for reasons she wouldn’t tell me.

“Jules, I’m going over to Zack’s place for a while.” Her sentence was so simple, but so out of place. She didn’t need to go.

“He’s practically a stranger to you, Cass. Yet… you’re cheating on Nick with him.”

“Jules-”

“It’s true, isn’t it?” I snapped, shrugging out of her grip. She looked at me with a strong expression, sucking in her breath.

“You just don’t understand.”

“What do I not understand? Nick’s a great guy and he would kill for you! Why are you throwing away someone who loves you just so you can have some stupid, partying fun?”

Maybe that wasn’t what she was doing. I just didn’t know

“Zack is older, Jules. He’s done things that Nick has never, and probably will never, do. He’s… he’s exciting and amazing, and he treats me like I belong where he is. You wouldn’t know how that feels.”

And that’s when it came crashing down. I didn’t know how it felt to be wanted, how it felt to have someone try to make you happy. I didn’t know the feeling of fitting in. Now I was hurt more than I wanted to be.

I furrowed my eyebrows and stared at my sister with a mixture of hurt and confusion, her shocked face telling me she regretted it. People only regret what they say when they know it’s wrong, not because they’re sorry for hurting you. If they were, they wouldn’t have said it. The truth hurts, and now I knew why I wanted to be alone: I had too many things that people could hurt me with.

“Julissa, I didn’t mean-”

“Yes you did,” I snapped, pulling out of her grasp. Her hands went limp at her sides, her eyes darting down to the ground. “You know what… go. I’ll just tell mom that you hate us, if she ever comes home, and that you’re too busy running around with some weirdo. I’ll just tell Nick that you think he’s not good enough for you--Miss Perfect--when, in all reality, it’s you who’s not good enough for him!” I turned around, ready to stomp up the stairs like a child throwing a tantrum. That’s what I was, but I didn’t care. I was tired of secrets and lies, tired of always being stepped on.

“Julissa, don’t!” she begged, grabbing my shoulder again. I pushed her away, turning around just enough to see her angry face.

“Go screw yourself!”

If mom was here, she’d kill me for being so rude to her perfect daughter. If dad was here, he’d ground me for not acting like a lady. I was alone.

I rushed towards the stairs and tripped up them once or twice, still managing to enter the hallway with ease. I could hear the front door slam before I even got to my bedroom door, the whole house shaking like an earthquake. Glass shattered, the picture frame on the wall most likely dividing into a million tiny shards. If Cass wanted to be with some creep, then I wasn’t going to worry about it.\

[T I M E]

Spending time… alone… in my room wasn’t the best pass time. There was always homework to do, and the fact that my room was messy helped with my decision of not doing it. I stared out the window for a few moments, the peach colored sky darkening and the wind blowing the tall apple trees. I waited for Cass to drive back up and say she was wrong, but Cass was never wrong. Cass could never do wrong.

What a bunch of crap.

I bounded down the stairs and ignored the sound of the telephone ringing, the answering machine with Cass’s giggly voice calling my name. I plopped down on the couch and grabbed my magazine, only flipping through the pages while a new voice came on.

“Hey, anybody home?” Dad. I contemplated whether I should answer it or not. I didn’t need the added stress. “Huh, I guess not. I just wanted to let you know that Damon, Lisa, and I will be coming up to visit in a few weeks. I really wanna’ see my girls… call me back. Love you.”

And then I realized this family wasn’t entirely messed up.

The sound of the door creaking open caught my attention and I quickly jumped up, hoping it was Cass. It wasn’t. My eyes settled on my mom… her stance, her smell, and her look of confusion letting me know she was drunk. I sighed. She stepped in and flicked on the light, wincing a bit at her own stupidity. She closed the door and dropped her purse down.

“Mom, did you go to work today?”

“What’d ya think?” she slurred, barely realizing I was there.

“That means you’re not going to get paid until next week now. And we still have no food…”

“Then get a damn job yourself! What are you now? Seventeen?”

This wasn’t what I needed.

“I’m fifteen, mom,” I whispered, pushing my hair back. She rolled her eyes and snorted.

“You’re old enough, you’re just lazy-OW!” she screeched, stumbling back. I looked down, remembering the broken glass on the floor that was now in her foot, allowing her to bleed. Why the heck was she barefoot? Crazy woman. “What the hell?” she hissed, hitting her back against the wall. I turned around quickly and grabbed a clean towel out of the laundry basket that sat on the chair, handing it to her. She snatched it without a word and glared at me instead of tending to her foot. “What did you do Julissa?”

Hey, at least she knew my name.

“I-I didn’t do anything-”

“Then why the hell is there broken glass on my floor?”

“Cass slammed the door-”

“Oh, ‘Cass slammed the door,’” she mimicked, bending forward. “You knew and you couldn’t clean it up? You’re just waiting for me to die, aren’t you?”

Cass got her drama from mom. That was nothing new.

“No. I didn’t think you’d be drunk, and Cass left to go party with some weirdo. It isn’t my fault-”

I froze when I felt her hand collide with my face, shutting my eyes tight out of reflex. The hit stung my skin and I cringed, but it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought getting slapped would. It made me breathless, the shock. And my hand instinctively flew up to my face.

“I guess that wasn’t your fault either, was it?” she grumbled, her dull eyes meeting mine. My lips parted and I swallowed hard, taking a step back as she slid onto the floor, picking the glass out of her foot while cursing under her breath.

Mom had never hit me before. Maybe that was because I had never been in the line of her drunken fire before. Either way, I didn’t want it to happen again. I just didn’t.

“What are you waiting for, standing there just staring at me?! Clean it up!” she snapped, her voice louder than it needed to be. I jumped and hurried into the kitchen, quickly grabbing the wastebasket and the broom, doing my best not to slip in my socks.

I rushed back into the room, happy to see mom was out of sight, her bag gone with her. I swallowed the lump in my throat and ignored the flashing light of the telephone, feeling the numbness of my cheek grow, and a bruise forming like when a jock threw a football at my face. That hurt, but Cass was there to protect me. Maybe I could talk to her tomorrow morning.

I scooped up the glass with tiny clangs and glanced out the window, my eyes locking on the Jonas house. Right now, there was someone else I had to talk to.

[T I M E]

I stepped across the empty street, my legs stretching across the pavement slowly. The house got closer and closer as the cool wind picked up, my feet carrying me up the drive without thought. I knew it was getting late, but this was important. And Nick said I could talk to him… didn’t he? Or was I imagining that?

I took a deep breath and raised my hand, balling it into a fist. I swallowed hard and knocked on the door, shoving my hands into my shorts. I heard footsteps on the inside, the door opening a moment later to reveal Nick. He gave me a confused look and opened the door wider, smiling slighter.

“Hey Jules,” he muttered, his tone sort of question. And then I thought…

Was this wrong? Did I have the right to tell Nick that Cass was cheating on him?

“Is Cass okay?”

And then I remembered: she didn’t deserve him.

“Umm… hey, can I talk to you?” I breathed, rubbing my neck nervously. He gave me a confused look but nodded, his curls flopping. He opened his mouth to speak, but I quickly interrupted, knowing what he was going to ask. “Outside?”

“We can go in the back?” he suggested, shoving his hands into his pockets. I nodded, mumbling a thanks when he opened the door wider and stepped back. He shut the door behind me and led the way through his empty living room and to the back door. The cool air flooded the warm room as soon as he slid the door open, allowing me to step out first.

I took a glance around the huge backyard, the baseball and its bat on one side, the basketball next to the hoop on the other. And the old swing set spoke to me. I stared at it, remembering all the times Cass would push me on it when we were younger and without all the drama of dating. I remembered the way Nick would get so competitive against Cass because she was always better at sports than Kevin and Joe, but Nick was always better. And I remembered the way he always offered to have me join in, even way back then when I wasn’t as much of a loner. He definitely didn’t deserve this.

I could feel Nick’s eyes on me and I glanced over, catching that sweet smile and those dimples. He nodded towards the swing set and I felt the need to return the smile, following him over to the structure. We trudged across the perfectly cut lawn and over all the random gear before we reached the swings. Nick sat down and scratched his head, glancing up at the sky almost nervously while I sat. My eyes connected with the darkening pink, the thick clouds disappearing to reveal sparkling stars. The moon was in the sky, replacing the sun, and the navy sky started to show. I pushed my hair back and sighed, turning to see him staring with a look of concern.

“What happened?” he muttered, cocking his head.

“What are you talking about?”

He lifted his hand slowly and brushed his fingertips over my cheek unexpectedly, the roughness of his fingertips somehow seeming so calmingly smooth. I shivered and winced at the same time, looking away nervously.

“You have a bruise,” he muttered factually, dropping his hands to his lap. I gripped the chains and stared out blankly, keeping silent for a moment. I wasn’t going to tell him my mother hit me; I was sure it wasn’t going to happen again, anyway.

“I ran into the door.” That was believable, embarrassing enough for me to want to hide it. I could feel his eyes on me still before he looked away, deciding to drop it.

“So what did you want to talk about?”

Sometimes I wondered why it was so easy to just sit here with him and pass the time. I could never do that with anyone, not even Cass. It was weird.

“You know when Cass dragged me to her college?” I started off, staring at the chipped paint of the chains on the swing. I continued before he could answer. “She met this guy named Zack and they’ve been talking…”

“Yeah?” Nick questioned, confused. Nick was smart, but I knew he wouldn’t understand getting screwed over unless I spelled it out for him. Cass had taught him that the world was perfect. Lies.

“When I told you she was home sick, I thought she was… for the most part. But she wasn’t and she wasn’t working on her speech and she’s always gone and-”

“Julissa, slow down. I don’t know what you’re getting at,” he interrupted. His soft, chocolate eyes seemed so innocent and confused as he stared at me, pushing his curls away from his forehead, only to have the wind rustle them back down.

“Cass isn’t acting herself lately…”

I didn’t really know what I was supposed to say. Was I supposed to just tell him? Or was I just supposed to walk away. I knew telling him would be the best thing. How could I get the words out? I sighed heavily and stared up at the twinkling stars, biting my lip. Everything seemed so complicated.

“And she told me that she likes the way Zack treats her…”

“Where are you going with this Julissa?” he muttered, looking down to where his converse dug into the dirt.

“Cass and Zack are, umm…” I cleared my throat, cracking my knuckles nervously.

“No,” Nick replied swiftly, shaking his head. I glanced over at him and furrowed my eyebrows, licking my dry lips. Nick wouldn’t believe me. His perfect Cass couldn’t possibly do something like that to him. Cass shouldn’t be doing something like that to him.

“She’s cheating on you Nick.”

“No,” he said softly, shaking his head once again. His eyes locked mine, the emotions swimming wildly. He didn’t know what to believe.

“I’m sor-”

“She’s not. She can’t be…”

“But she is. We just got into a fight about this and then she left-”

“Why would she though? That doesn’t make any sense. That’s not Cass. I mean, we have our problems, we have our ups and downs, but we’ve been going good. She wouldn’t mess that up.”

I suddenly felt so guilty, so terrible--so hurt for Nick. He wouldn’t know how to deal with something like this. He cared too much. He was too beautiful and sensitive.

“She doesn’t love as much as she said she did, otherwise she wouldn’t be off with Zack right now doing whatever she wants.” That came out louder than I wanted. It came out period. I could see the hurt on his face, the way his eyebrows knitted together and then pulled back apart when he widened his eyes, his lips moving, dying to let out his stuttering words. And then he looked angry.

“Why would you say that? Why would you come here to tell me that my girlfriend is cheating on me? You don’t know that… are you just trying to hurt me?” I didn’t recognize the sternness in his voice.

“No-”

“I was always nice to you, Julissa. Always. I always tried to relate to you because I knew I could, but I get it now. I’ve crossed my boundaries. I don’t need to talk to you and you don’t need to talk to me.”

“It’s not about that Nick. I get it and I appreciate how much to try to include me, but this isn’t about you or me or us getting along. This is about what Cass is doing and the fact that I think you deserve better than this… that you deserve to know.” I had never tried to beg to someone before, but my voice sounded pleading. Why did I care so much about Nick? It wasn’t because of some stupid crush.

I think I always felt that I would need him.

His face changed and his face became blank, his eyes still swimming. I tried my best not to just get up and run away, like I always wanted to do with my problems. But he stood first.

“If I deserved better, than we wouldn’t be having this conversation, would we?” he snapped, his voice echoing through the yard.

That was it. He knew and now he could think it over and decide if he wanted to believe me or not. I watched him hurry towards the house and slide the door shut with so much power that it shook the house, even more so than when Cass stormed out. Was everybody angry today? Did everybody have something they wanted to run from? Cass was running from Nick to start something that didn’t fit her; mom was running from her problems; Nick was running from the pain Cass would and was causing him; and I was running from life. Perfect.

I sat on the swing for another moment, silence filling the air before I decided to split in case somebody saw me out here and decided to ask what I had done to put Nick in such a terrible mood. I stood and trudged across the lawn, moving towards the gate to exit the yard. I hurried down the driveway and back across the street to my house, staring at the spot where Cass usually parked. She wasn’t there. She wouldn’t be there. And then I saw mom through the kitchen window, starring down at the bills from yesterday.

I so was not getting a job. It was okay for me to be lazy--I was a fifteen year old girl after all--but not my forty year old mother. Suck up your crappy life and get with it, that’s my word of advice. I ignored her glare and hurried through the door, crunching over a few shards of glass that I missed and kicking the picture to the side. I ran for the stairs and felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. All I wanted to do was sleep, to pass the time. I didn’t know that what was coming would be worse. I wish I had known that. But maybe it was obvious.

There I sat, on my bed in the dark with a blanket wrapped around me, feeling like I was five years old again. Cass wasn’t there to comfort me and she was the one causing me grief. I needed my sister and she wasn’t here, she was off with Zack. When would she come back? Tomorrow morning? Tomorrow night? And then there was my poor problematic mother. Was she going to keep missing shifts and spiral into a deeper depression? Would she ever get over the fact that she screwed all of us up? She drove dad away with her control issues and dad was the smart one. Dad got away and found someone and had a normal child. Dad missed perfect Cass and messed up me, and I missed dorky dad. I didn’t want to go through life alone--without a mother, a sister, a best friend, a dad, a brother… a boyfriend. I didn’t need that. But I had bigger things to think about and, as I stared out the window and onto the ghost-like street, I wondered how it would be when I was older. Would Cass end up marrying Nick and having kids, and then getting divorced? Or would she end up marrying Nick, being successful, having kids, and leading the perfect life? Would she even have a life?

What about me? Time was never on my side and I had a feeling it would only get worse. I needed Cass; I needed my sister. I thought I knew Cass, but I was wrong.