Second Chance

“Why don’t you come live with me?”

I blinked slowly, unsure if my ears were working properly me. Ryan Kesler stared back at me, his smile soft and eyes caring and empathetic. We were separated by miles upon miles but staring into my computer screen it felt as though the distance didn’t exist.

“I can’t,” I started slowly, my voice shaky. “I can’t do that to you or Liv. I don’t have money to pay you rent.”

Ryan shot me a hard stare. “I’m offering. I can help you, Lauren. Why won’t you let me?”

I shook my head as tears welled up in my eyes. “Ever since we were kids you’ve always been picking up my broken pieces but this time I have to do it.”

“Bullshit!” Ryan roared, his fist slamming down against the table. “Just let me help you. I know what happened was a lie. That kid was a little shit. I can get you a job, you can help with Danielle.”

My head screamed for me to deny him, to put my foot down but my heart was singing a different tune. Maybe letting him take care of me, letting him fix this whole situation, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

“I’m used to living here though,” I sighed and threaded my fingers through my hair. “Why does this shit happen to me?”

Ryan shook his head slightly. An exasperated sigh fell from his lips as his fingers worked their way through his hair. “I’ll get you on the next flight out here and hire a moving company to bring your stuff out. Don’t say anything; we have plenty of room in the house.”

I opened my mouth to protest but the look on Ryan’s face made me think better of it. He smiled triumphantly before disconnecting us from Skype. Once his mind was made, there was no arguing with him. A soft sigh escaped my lips as I closed my laptop and moved to my small closet.

My closet stared back at me, full of colorful track suits, workout clothes and a few dresses. I pulled my few suitcases down from the top shelf and set them on my bed. The emptiness that settled in my stomach after I walked away from a certain Frenchman dug a deeper hole as I pulled outfit after outfit from my closet. Things have changed in the months without him.

Ryan acts as though nothing happened even though I know he got the whole story from Alex. Our relationship has been nothing but a giant pool of tension since I left Vancouver. I haven’t spoken with my only weakness since I told him I couldn’t be with him, that I couldn’t trust him. Not that it matters, really. Ryan has made it pretty clear with cryptic words that Alex has moved on.

But going back to Vancouver, not for a visit but to live? That changes things a little bit, as much as I hate to admit that. Maybe turning him away was one of the biggest mistakes I’ll ever make but that doesn’t mean I’d rush to take it back, either. I was valid in my reasoning for doing so, how could I trust someone with my heart that shattered it the first time they held it?

I wiped away a small tear as I zipped up the first of my few suitcases. All of my clothes were easily packed into the smallest one which is a little depressing to come to terms with. Realizing just how small my life is here in Edmonton is a little nerve wracking. What have I done with my life?

Once my first suitcase was squared away and sitting by the door to leave my apartment I pulled out my phone to text Ryan. Before I could open a new message my phone buzzed in my hand. He beat me to texting.

Flights at 9:30 tonight, I’ll pick you up at the airport. Pack your shit, the moving van will be around at 7.

Thanks, love you. I quickly typed back before tossing my phone aside.

When Ryan wanted something, he really wanted it, and he usually got it, too. He knew how to push all the right buttons and pull all the right strings to orchestrate everything perfectly. However, he didn’t much like to account for other people’s needs and constraints with certain things.

Like now; the clock is working against the both of us. The alarm clock on my bedside table read 2:57pm. I grabbed my phone from where I tossed it on my bed and quickly programmed the alarm for 6:30, which would give me three and a half hours to pack everything in my apartment, haphazardly or not.

I pulled my duvet off of my bed and quickly folded it and set it aside before doing the same with my sheets. Boxes, you moron! I chided myself once I realized I didn’t have anything to put my sheets and blanket in.

Without thinking too much about it I snatched up my phone and dialed my landlord’s number. He answered on the second ring.

“Hi, Leo?”

“Yeah, what’s up Lauren? Problems with the heater again?”

“No, I was actually wondering if you knew where I could get some boxes. Oh, and I’m going to have to cancel my lease. I’m moving to Vancouver.”

“That whole UofA thing getting to you, huh?”

“No,” I lied easily. “Do you know where I can get them or not?”

“I’ve got a bunch in the basement you can have. I’ll bring them up shortly.”

“Thanks Leo.”

I snapped my phone shut and tossed it aside. Even with boxes in play it was going to be a long night.

*

After a lot of puzzle like moves I finally managed to fit everything into the boxes Leo dropped off for me. Seeing my apartment of over two and a half years completely empty wasn’t as upsetting as I thought it might be. It comforted me, actually. Everything that made me want to leave would be left behind and in Vancouver I’d get a fresh start.

I’d be living with my best friend, his wife and his daughter but it was still something new, a whole new world for me to explore and make things happen in. Maybe even if the timing became right and Alex didn’t really move on… maybe we could try something. No! That’s the dumbest idea you’ve ever had.

I sighed to myself as I took one last look around the room. Burn the bridge Lauren, I mused as I grabbed my bags and headed for the door. My flight was scheduled to take off in an hour.

- - - - - - -

Once the plane was finally in the air anxiety started to set in. “Bye Edmonton,” I murmured to myself. “I won’t miss you.”

It was a lie but a lie that made me feel better. The truth was, I would miss that city. I’d miss having a stable job and working with a hockey team. But most of all, I’d miss having control over my life. In Vancouver, living under Ryan’s roof… everything will be out of my hands and into his. If I want to go out, I’ll have to clear it with him. If I want to stay out late, he’ll have to be okay with it. But not only that, he’ll be the one taking care of me just like when we were younger.

In the years since we’ve been apart, only able to see each other once every few months, I’ve gained an independence I don’t think he realizes exists. I don’t need anyone or want anyone to have to take care of me or to feel like they have to. It makes me feel like this giant burden intruding on and ruining lives. But Kes is the kind of guy that loves taking care of people. He’s intimidating and he’ll fuck your shit up but he’ll also hold you while you cry for hours over a guy that isn’t worth your tears. Then he’ll kick that guys ass but only because that’s part of caring for you.

And I used to love that. But then everything happened with Alex and my heart was broken. I moved out to Alberta and I got a job and supported myself. I lived in Edmonton without any friends but the ones I made at University. It was hard but I adapted to that and I just can’t see myself adapting back. Why did I agree to this? Being back in Vancouver could only bring bad news; Alex would be around and it would most likely become a constant reminder of how bad I messed up with the hockey team at U of A.

I pulled out my iPod and slipped my ear buds in. John Mayer’s smooth voice filled my ears as I rested my head against the side of the plane.

I was a killer, was the best they'd ever seen. I'd steal your heart before you ever heard a thing; I'm an assassin and I had a job to do.

Alex’s face flew into my mind as I jolted awake to the sounds of Assassin by John Mayer. It was almost like he had written the song specifically for Alex. The only thing wrong would be that I’m not an assassin. But the same message is there; the one night stand, the leading on, the breaking of hearts. I tried not to think about how going back to Vancouver would open up the wounds that didn’t quite heal from everything with Alex.

When I told him that I couldn’t give him a second chance, that we couldn’t try it for real, I hurt me too. At the time I might not have realized it like I should have, but saying no to the one thing I really wanted deep down was a killer. When I finally got back to Edmonton it was like our whole one night stand happened all over again; my heart was re-broken. Not shattered, but still broken. He’s like this magnet that I can never get quite close enough to; there are too many objects blocking my path.

“Ladies and gentleman please fasten your seatbelts; we’ll be making our descent into Vancouver International in just a few minutes.”

“Already?” I mumbled to myself as I pressed the pause button on my iPod.

“You fell asleep for a bit there, dearie,” the old lady beside me answered with a soft chuckle.

“I didn’t think it was that long,” I laughed as I pushed my iPod into the front pocket of my carryon. She nodded before closing her eyes and gripping the arm rests.

My stomach dropped as the plane began the dip towards the ground. Take offs and landings were my most hated moments of flights. They always made me anxious. While in the air, very few things could really knock a plane from the sky but when you’re just leaving the ground or just landing? There are millions of things that could attack the plane and cause a crash.

Once the plane was finally safely on the ground I let out a breath I hadn’t realize I was holding. It seemed like forever that the plane taxied around the runway before stopping at the gate. I waited as most of the people exited before grabbing my bag and following them out. My heart hammered in my chest as I made my way down the tunnel and out to the terminal. Ryan promised he’d be waiting for me right there but once I was out he was nowhere to be found.

I made my way through the groups of people hugging and greeting the ones that came to pick them up. Even after I was in the clear and had a good view of everyone around me Ryan was nowhere to be found. I reached into the front pocket of my Canucks sweatshirt and fished around for my phone. As I pushed the power on button I took one last glance around.

My phone fell from my hand and hit the floor with a loud clatter as my eyes connected with the last pair of eyes I expected to see. He smirked at me and tilted his head to the side with the same cocky swagger he used on me last April. I watched, frozen to the ground as he eliminated the space between us and knelt down to pick up my phone. My heart continued to hammer in my chest once he stood up and smirked at me again.

“Alex. Hi.”