Matters at All

I wandered towards the tea and coffee aisle in my local supermarket, the aisle which is usually the sole reason I come to the shops. Like it is today.
I had left Aled at home cuddled up in our quilt on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle. Yes, he’s that cool. Good job I love him eh.
He’d actually managed to cook for me last night, so I wanted to do something for him.

I stopped and stared at all the boxes. Some were black with different colours, some were yellow, some were white, then there was the cheap nasty crap. I avoid the cheap nasty crap like the plague. If I’m going to drink tea, it’s going to taste like it, not like something else…
I looked the boxes up and down, carefully deciding which one to eventually select. I picked up a box of afternoon tea, seeing as it was in fact afternoon and it seemed apt to drink it.
I wandered round towards the second best aisle, the biscuit section. I made sure I picked up something Aled would like, chocolate digestives.
After bumping into Phil and chatting with him for a bit, I made my way towards the tills.
The total was small, £3.38 to be exact. I handed over a fiver and got my change before walking home.

“Aled, I’m home babe!”
“What on earth kept you? Trying to decide between which tea again?”
“No…”
“You were! Bless ya, you make me laugh y’know.”

He took a sip of his tea before shuffling over on the sofa.

“You already have a cup of tea…?”
“Yeah? There was some tea bags left and I wanted one.”
“You knew I was going out though Aled.”
“Joel, it doesn’t really matter…I can easily have another when you have one.”
“It does matter though! You always do this Aled! I spent ages trying to find the perfect things for you and you always make your own, or buy it yourself, or already have it, and I’m sick of it. I just can’t do anything right can I?!”
“Hey, hey, what’s brought this on?!”
“You.. You.. Ugh you make me feel so worthless!”
“Joel?! How can I make you feel worthless over a cup of tea?!”
“You just don’t get it!”

I ran off upstairs, into the spare room and hid under the duvet before crying my eyes out.
He really didn’t understand. He does this sort of thing all the time, and it just gets to me. Last week, I bought him a pair of shoes he really wanted when in fact he’d gone out the day before and bought them without telling me. A month ago, he went over his Mam’s for dinner, yet I’d invited her over that day anyway, he didn’t tell me till he’d got back and I’d tidied the whole house.
They may be small things, but I often end up wasting a day doing silly little things that end up making me lose it.
I don’t feel as if anything I do matters at all to be honest.

I could hear his footsteps coming up the stairs. He always left me for at least ten minutes before coming to see if I was “okay”.

“If you’ve come to ask, no I’m not okay.”
“Joel… I’m sorry. I..it’s a cup of tea!”
“Yes, but I’m fed up with all the other things. It’s like they don’t even matter to you!”
“They do. You know I love you with all my heart and that nothing would or could ever change that.”
“You..you..”
“I what?”
“You said you love me…. You only reserve that for special occasions…”
“I do love you. I’m not gonna deny that.”

I poked my head over the duvet, which was buried under a pink duvet cover and a fluffy blanket.
I smiled for the first time today. Well, properly smiled. Not the smile when you can’t be bothered to say “thank you” to someone who’s held the door open for you or something.

“Aled, you told me you love me!”
“Yeah, I did didn’t I.”
“I thought you had problems with being ‘overly cute’”
“Well, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t give a shit and that I should start paying more attention to you. Cause right now, we’re just two dudes living together who occasionally have sex… don’t giggle at that Joel, oh you’re so twelve years old!”
“Sorry, I can’t help it.”
“But yeah, we’re gonna go out with the boys tonight, and I’m gonna dance with you and hold your hand and…be a proper boyfriend.”
“You mean that?! You can owe me a whole night of drinks to drown my sorrow if you don’t.”
“Joel, you don’t have the mental and physical capacity to have more than eight pints.”
“…shut up.”

He grinned at me and got in the bed. He wrapped his skinny but protective arms around me. He snuggled into me and stroked my hair.
In the five and a half years we’d been together, we’d hardly done this.

Seriously.

He glanced over at the clock and laughed.

“Joel, it’s like half past six in the evening. We can’t sit here and cuddle, we need to eat.”
“Correction, you’re hungry and can’t cook.”
“I never said that!”
“It’s usually implied when you say ‘we need to eat’”

He laughed and kissed me softly. Again, something he rarely does. If he kisses me, it’s a peck on the lips or the cheek.

“Come on, I’ll try and make us something again. If it fails worse than last night then we’ll go out before we meet Shay, Iain and Phil. Deal?”
“Sounds great.”

------*-----

We went out. Neither of us got drunk though, which felt a bit weird. We still managed to walk down the middle of our road holding hands though. Which also felt a bit weird if I‘m going to be honest, Aled usually did that when he was completely plastered.

“Aled, are we gonna cuddle up tonight?”
“Sure babe. Phil spoke to me earlier, he said he was happy that I’d got my act together and decided to be a proper boyfriend, even if we’ve been together since we were 18.”
“I’m glad. Phil’s like my dad, he looks after me.”

He climbed into the bed and instantly cuddled up to me and pressed into my side.

“Goodnight Joel, I love you.”
“Aleeeeed! I’m always the one who says goodnight first!”
“Well… I beat ya to it boyo.”
“I love you Aled.”

I felt him smile and close his eyes.
For the first time in about two years, I was happy before I went to sleep. I leant down slightly and kissed his head.

“Goodnight.”