You Turn Away From All the Things That I've Been Trying to Say

Austin and I are lying in his bed in the morning. He's stroking my hair lightly as we talk. I suddenly get a queasy feeling in my stomach and roll out of bed, quickly, and run to the bathroom. He watches me with a confused look on his face. I run into the bathroom and vomit into the toilet.

"Baby, are you alright?" I hear him yell.

"Yeah," I say and heave some more. This is so strange, I didn't even drink last night, so it's not like I'm hung over. When I'm done, I flush the mess down the toilet and rinse my mouth out. I walk out to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. Austin leans forward in bed and rubs my back with the back of his hand.

"Feeling better?" He asks, soothingly. I shake my head.

"No, worse actually."

"What’s wrong, baby?" I put my head in my hands.

"My stomach is all cramped up," I stand up and start putting my bra and panties on. "Don't worry. I'll be fine. Probably just something I ate."

"Where are you going?" he asks, watching me get dressed.

"I have to go to work."

"Why?"

"Uh, I have to make a living, so I can pay rent." He blows out a sigh.

"That’s all you ever do is work."

"Austin, I just got off a two month tour with you, where I totally blew off my job."

"Well, I tour all the time and when I'm home, I want to be able to see you. I don't want to come home and be all by myself while you're at work," he says.

"So you want me to quit my job? What about my rent?"

"I'll pay your rent. Better yet, move in with me." I look at him seriously.

"Be real."

"I am. I want you to be with me all the time." I walk over to him in bed and bend down for a kiss. He kisses my lips and fake pouts.

"I'm going to work," I say, smiling.

"Fine...just leave me here, all alone. Sitting around, all alone....drinking a beer, all alo-"

"Get a grip," I interrupt. I turn around and walk out of this bedroom.

I leave Austin's place and go to Starbucks and get a peppermint iced coffee. I'm still not feeling great and I'm hoping this queasy-ness goes away, so I don't puke my coffee. I stop at a light and sip my coffee and all of a sudden, I get a light bulb. I'm late. Fuck. I do some math in my head and sure enough, I'm late. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is so not good. I'm on birth control, but that shit fails, right? I want kids, but not right now. I'm young, and not married. And I have no idea where Austin stands about kids. His lifestyle isn't exactly designed for kids or marriage. Hell, his lifestyle isn't made for living together, I don't think. I pull into the parking lot at my work and bang my head against the steering wheel. The clock in my car says I'm two minutes late. Fantastic.

I don't get a lot done at work. What with running to the bathroom to puke every half hour on the hour. I'm having this huge sense of dread that I might be pregnant and I'm trying to figure out if I should tell Austin or not. God, this sucks. When I finally get out of work, I get in my car and turn my phone on. A voicemail rings in. I put my phone to my ear and listen.

"Hey, baby. I hope you're feeling better. How about Mexican tonight? Love you." Austin. I sigh. I will go over there, but there’s something I have to do first.

I put my car into gear and pull out into and drive towards Rite-Aid. I sit in the parking lot and procrastinate for a few minutes, before getting out of the car and walking across the parking lot and into the building. I act as if I know what I'm doing and stand in front of the pregnancy tests. I pick one and take it up to the counter and pay. The woman gives me a look, but I avoid eye contact. Why can't people just be professional? I take my little bag out to my car and read the box, trying to decide if I should take it before or after I go to Austin's place. I decide I should see him first and maybe get a feel for the situation. Once I'm in his driveway, however, I start freaking out. I do some more procrastinating and get out and walk up to the front door and walk in.

"Hello?" I call out.

"Hey, in the dining room," I hear him say. I go into the house, dropping my purse on the kitchen counter and walk into the dining room. Austin is standing there, pouring wine into two glasses. He smiles at me and brings me one of the glasses and kisses me.

"How was your day?" He asks. I smile weakly.

"Fine. Just work stuff." And you know, the whole, I might be pregnant thing.

"Well, I ordered some Mexican from that place that you like,"

"Great. It looks yummy." I sit down and set my wine glass down, hoping he didn't notice that I didn't drink any.

We sit and I pick around at my food and don't drink any wine. He does most of the talking. Hinder's managers are starting to talk about touring again. This is really making the whole pregnancy thing harder. He looks at me with a confused look on his face after a while.

"Why aren't you eating, baby?"

"I'm just not as hungry as I thought. It's really good though, thank you,"

"You haven't touched your wine. Are you still feeling shitty?"

"A little," I pause and blow out a sigh, "Austin I have to tell you something,"

"What's wrong, baby? You look like a nervous wreck." I play with my rings a little bit.

"I might be pregnant," I blurt out. He just looks at me for a minute.

"What?" He finally says. My head drops and stare at my food for a second.

"I'm not sure. I'm late and I feel sick and nauseas. It might not mean anything, though," I say.

"But, you're on the pill right? I don't understand."

"That doesn't mean anything though. That only decreases your risk of getting pregnant." He runs his hand through his hair and sighs. I can't really tell what he's thinking. He scoots his chair back and stands up.

"I need some air," He says and walks out of the room. I look up at the ceiling and sigh again. I hear the front door open and shut and I hear his car start up. I think about my situation for a minute and start getting pissed. How dare he act like that? I understand him being shocked, but he didn't even stick around to talk about it. What an asshole. I stand up and go out to the kitchen and grab my purse and leave the house without locking the door behind me.

I drive home and see Morgan's car in the driveway. Thank God. I need someone to talk to. I walk into the house and see her standing in the kitchen. She looks up at me as I storm in.

"What did Austin do now?" she asks. I just walk straight into her and bury my head into her shoulder. She gives me a hug and holds me for a minute, until I straighten up. We sit down at the table.

"What's going on?" she asks.

"I might be pregnant and Austin is being an asshole about it," I say. No tears. I'm too pissed at him.

"What? Oh my God, Madison."

"Yeah. I need a little support and he just left when I told him. He said he needed some air or some shit."

"Well, did you take a test? How do you know you might be pregnant?" she asks.

"I've been getting sick all day and I'm late," I don't tell her about the test. Because I know she'll want me to take it and I'm kind of in denial about taking it. My phone rings and I pick it up.

"Hello?" I say impatiently.

"Madison. We need to talk. I know you're probably pissed at me. But, can you come over here, please?" I sigh.

"Fine. I'll be over in ten minutes," I say and hang up. I stand up and grab my purse."That was Austin. He wants to talk now," I tell Morgan.

"OK, well, take a test and get this thing figured out."

"OK. I love you. Thanks for listening."

"Of course. I love you too." I walk out of the house and get back in my car and drive to Austin's house. I get out and walk up the sidewalk and into the house. He's sitting in the living room. The TV is on, but the sound is off. I walk into the living room. He's drinking a beer.

"Well, you wanted to talk, here I am," I say, annoyed already.

"I think you are pregnant. You're being a fucking bitch." My eyes roll around wildly.

"Maybe it's because my fucking boyfriend is a fucking asshole and walked out on me when I found out I might be having his kid! Did you ever think about that, Austin? No, wait, I forgot. It's all about you," I shout.

"It's my fucking life! I am not in the right place in my life to be having a kid!"

"You think I am? This is just as fucking inconvenient for me as it is you." He's silent for a minute.

"I'm sorry. I guess I never thought about you and your feelings in this. Can we just calm down and figure this out?" I blink, trying to calm down.

"Fine."

"Madison."

"I said fine," I say and sit down on the couch, facing him. We sit there in silence for a minute. "I got a test. I just need to take it and then we'll know," I say, finally.

"OK, let's go take it then." He stands up.

"You don't need to be there when I take it," I say, standing up.

"Well, I want to be supportive." I grab the test out of my purse and take it upstairs. He follows me up, but agrees to stay in the bedroom, while I go in the bathroom. I close the bathroom door and open the box and read the directions.

"Are you doing it?" He calls through the door. I groan and roll my eyes.

"Yes, Austin, I just pulled it out of the box." I pee on the stick and read the paper that came with the test. Fifteen minutes. I look at my phone for the time and place the stick on the edge of the counter.

"Fifteen minutes," I tell Austin, on the other side of the door. I hear him lean against the door and slide down. I assume he's sitting on the floor, probably smoking. I put the lid down on the toilet and sit down, resting my forearms on my thighs, with my head down.

"Are you thinking about quitting your job now?" Austin asks from outside. I look at the door, perplexed.

"No, Austin. Just because I might be pregnant, doesn't mean that I'm going to quit my job and move in with you to be your little woman." He sighs, irritated.

"I didn't say that. I asked if you were thinking about quitting your job. This has nothing to do with me." I snort.

"How long has it been?" He asks. I look at my phone.

"Three minutes." This gets another sigh. I put my head back down, resting it on my wrists. After what feels like an hour, I look at my phone.

"Fifteen minutes," I say, loud enough for Austin to hear. I hear him stand up. I go over to the counter and pick up the stick and look at it. I take a deep breath and I can feel a small tear fall down my face. I walk over to the door and open it. Austin is standing directly outside. He looks at me for a second, trying to read my face. I burst into a smile and jump into his arms.

"Not pregnant!" I yell. He smiles and hugs me tightly. He spins me around a little, laughing.

"Thank God. I wasn't ready to be a father, Madison."

"I know."

"Now what?"

"I need a drink."