You Turn Away From All the Things That I've Been Trying to Say

I'm sitting in a small restaurant, waiting for Austin, who is thirty minutes late. He told me a week ago that he's going out on tour in a few weeks and he wanted to spend a bunch of time together before he leaves. But now I'm beginning to wonder if any of that was true. I've called his cell twice and texted him three times. The waitress comes over to the booth that I'm sitting in.

"What can I get for you to eat today, ma'am?" She asks. I look up at her.

"Um, nothing. I'm not eating today." I get my wallet out and grab a ten dollar bill and hand it to her.

"Keep the change." I say and slide out of the booth and out of the restaurant.

I call Austin's home phone and it rings busy and I'm instantly pissed. I get in my car and call it again and it rings and rings, no longer busy. OK, I've had just about enough of this shit. I pull out into traffic and drive towards Austin's house. It takes me about ten minutes to get there and when I pull in, I see a small car sitting in the driveway in front of the garage. I pull in next to it and park and get out and walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell. Austin answers, looking distracted. He looks out at me and seems surprised.

"What the fuck, Austin?" I ask.

"What are you doing here?" He asks me.

"Are you fucking blowing me off? What the hell is going on?" He turns around and walks into the house, leaving the door open. I follow him inside, closing the door behind me. I follow him into the living room and see Jami standing in front of the TV. I look up at Austin.

"What the fuck is she doing here, Austin?"

"Jami, you need to go. I didn't want you here to begin with. Now you need to leave." He tells her.

"Austin, what about what you said?" She coos in her disgusting voice that drives me up the wall.

"I didn't say shit!" He yells, "Now get the fuck out of my house!"

"Well it looks like you've moved on, don't worry honey, he'll get bored." She says to me.

"You don't need to worry about Austin and I. I think he told you to leave, so leave, skinny bitch." I'm at the end of my rapidly fraying rope here and I have no patience for Jami.

"I could be a fat bitch like you." I start moving forward to kick her ass, but Austin grabs my arm and holds me back.

"Jami, leave now!" He says. She saunters past us and I try to go after her again. Austin tightens his grip on my arm.

"Madison, stop." Once she's out the door, he lets me go and I whirl around to face him.

"So, what the fuck Austin?" I ask. He moves past me and sits down on the couch. I walk over to where Jami was standing in front of the TV. He gets out his cell phone and starts texting.

"If you wanted to fucking not be with me anymore and go fuck groupies on tour, you could have been straight up and fucking tell me, Austin." I say. He continues to ignore me.

"Did you forget about our lunch date today? Or are you purposely blowing me off?" He doesn't even look up at me.

"Austin, I swear to God, if you don't put that fucking phone down, I'm going to fucking smash it."

"Chill fucking out, Jesus." He says. My blood pressure rises and I can feel my heart beating in my chest.

He stands up and starts going to the kitchen. I follow him and I get a realization all of a sudden.

"I know what this is about now. You're pushing me away, so you can go on tour and not have to worry about me. OK, I get that part, now where does Jami fit into this? Do you still love her?"

"Fuck no." He says finally and opens the refrigerator door and grabs a beer out and cracks it open.

"So what the fuck was she doing here then, Austin?" I ask.

"I don't fucking know! She just called and then she showed up."

"Oh, but you weren't turning her away, were you?"

"What is it with you? Are you not going to be happy unless I tell you that I'm in love with Jami?" He asks, going back to the living room and sitting down.

"No, Austin, what I want is some fucking straight answers. Why the fuck did you blow me off today?" He picks up his phone.

"Austin, put the fucking phone down and listen to me!"

"Smash it. I don't fucking care."

"I can tell you don't care, that's perfectly obvious to me right now."

"You've made up your mind. So I don't know why you're fucking screaming at me and trying to get me to talk. You're better than me, and we all know it, so you can stop fucking screaming." He says with a really cocky tone to his voice.

"I never said I was better than you, Austin. You made that up all on your own. Probably because you know you're doing me wrong right now."

"Whatever." He looks back down at his phone.

"You're right, Austin. Whatever. I'm over this shit already. I'm glad we didn't get farther into this relationship than we have, because this is bullshit."

"Well, it's obvious that you aren't cut out for dating me or being with me, Madison and you never were." He says.

"Don't you fucking turn this around on me, Austin. This is on you right now." He just keeps looking down at his phone, so I turn around and walk towards the door. I get about halfway there and then turn around and go back to the living room.

"Well, Austin. You wanted to push me away. Guess what? I'm gone. You just lost me." I say and walk out the front door.

I get in my car and pull into traffic and drive to my house. It's almost dark when I get home and I see the lights on. Morgan must be home. I'm on the verge of tears and I don't really want her to see me cry, but I don't care anymore, I'm so upset that Austin is doing this to me. I get out of the car and walk up the sidewalk and unlock the door and walk in. She looks up and smiles at me. Her smile quickly disappears when she sees my face.

"What's wrong baby?" She asks.

"Austin is a fucking asshole." She stands up and comes over to where I'm standing.

"Why? What happened?"

"He fucking blew me off today and continued when I went to his house, because he's going on tour and he's pushing me away for some fucking reason. He wouldn't even talk to me and when he did, he pretty much blamed it all on me and said I wasn't prepared to be in a relationship with him, whatever the fuck that means." I say.

"Come on, let's go sit down." Morgan says and leads me into the living room and we sit down on the couch. I tell her the whole story and she listens just like she always does.

"Well, baby, maybe it's better that it ended this way rather, than you falling for him and he dumped you later on, you know?"

"But I am falling for him! We've been together for a few months now and I really care about him. I thought he cared about me too." A tear falls down my face.

"Why don't you just go to bed and we'll see how you feel tomorrow, OK?" I nod and get up and walk to my bedroom and put on my pajamas.

Once I'm in my bed, all I can think about is Austin. After a few hours, I get up and walk into Morgan's room. She hears me and rolls over to face me.

"Can I sleep in here tonight?" I ask, childishly. She smiles in the darkness.

"Yeah, babe, get in here." She says and moves over. I crawl in next to her and fall asleep almost instantly. Morgan has always been able to calm me, without even saying a word, it's just her presence.