Finding Heaven

“I don’t like her.”

Those where the words I had grasped from Joshua and Alex’s conversation. I couldn’t sleep well. Tears streamed non-stop from my eyes so much that I wanted to chuck them off their sockets.

It hurt—

Because honestly, I thought I had a chance. The way he had acted towards me…it was as if he actually liked me.

I was wrong.

~

I slipped on my jacket after preparing to go out to shop in the plaza for presents, and headed out the door, leaving Joshua sleeping peacefully on the floor with his little pillow kingdom.

Oh, crap. Just my luck.

Alex was leaning with his back against the wall, wearing a bright orange Fortsworth hoodie we got during the school festival. His long strawberry-blond hair was tucked into place by a gray beanie, and his eyes were crystallized shades of blue that seemed to change under the direct light of the sun.

Why do you have to look like a male model at this early time of the day, you little—

My heart sank as he started to give me the smile that used to make me feel so special. Now I’m not so sure anymore.

“I figured you’d be going out today,” he grinned. “So I decided to come with you.”

“You guessed well,” I answered. “But I’d like to walk on my own, thank you very much.”

I started walking.

“Do you have your period? You change moods way too quickly.”

I shot him a death glare as blood rushed into my face, “Disgusting.”

He shrugged and laughed, “Just let me come with you okay?”

“Do whatever you want,” I finally gave in.

It’s not like I could do anything to stop him, anyway.

~

Awkward.

Of course couples would go out together on Christmas Eve, you idiot! Why didn’t you think of it a while ago!

“Wow, there are a lot of people doing lovey-doveys,” Alex commented, adding fuel to the awkward fire.

“Yeah,” I answered sourly.

He leaned down and tilted his head closely towards me, making my heart submit into hysterics. “Do you want us to be lovey-dovey too?”

I almost punched him.

Seriously.

“No way—that’s disgusting!” I exclaimed.

“Why?”

“B-B-Because we’re not a couple!”

Alex grinned amusedly, “You’re blushing.”

“No!”

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAKOTA! ACT AS IF IT DOESN’T AFFECT YOU! YOU’RE ACTING ALL DEFENSIVE! GRRRR.

“I’m not defensive,” I blurted out.

Great.

He laughed, “You really are a weird girl.”

~

After checking all the stalls out and finally picking a present for Max and Joshua, we went to buy some burgers and sat on a park bench.

It was getting darker now, about quarter to six, and a horde of people started clustering together everywhere. Couples acted sweetly and passed by Alex and me as we ate, making me feel completely horrible.

This was my first Christmas away from home—

And it was also the first time I had my heart really broken—

And I was sitting here with the guy I loved and hated at the same time.

“Hey,” Alex began, with his mouth full.

“What?”

“What if…”

“If what?”

“Nevermind.”

I hate it when people don’t finish what they started. I mean, seriously, it made my hopes up for nothing.

“Okay,” I said.

“We’d better get home to prepare for Christmas Eve,” he said shortly.

“Yeah. That would be better.”

At least back at the dorm, you wouldn’t see people making out in front of you while you ate Uncle Bob’s burgers.

He stood up before me, and his wallet accidentally slipped out of his back pocket and fell to the ground.

I picked it up, and because I liked touching other peoples’ stuff and exploring them, I opened it out of curiosity.

What did guys put in their wallets anyway, aside from money?

My eyes widened in surprise when I saw a girl’s picture—

It was my picture.

There I was wearing my favorite yellow shirt, smiling widely and holding a peace gesture up in front of our house’s porch.

“What’s taking you—“ Alex looked back and then stopped abruptly. “Hey!”

“Alex…how did you…”

I looked up at him and saw his cheeks turning into shades of red.

“Dad gave it to me, okay? Before we went to Fortsworth and…well, I decided to keep it,” he explained nervously.

So that’s why they already knew what I looked like, the little idiots. That’s how they knew it was me and gave me a welcoming prank.

And he kept my picture in his wallet…plus he sounds so defensive…

“You guys are so unfair,” I said, a smile playing on my lips. “When I first came to school, I had no idea what you guys looked like.”

He grabbed his wallet from me and kept it safely back to his pocket, “Yeah,” he muttered almost indistinctly.

I looked down at my flat boots and finally decided—

I’ll just bury these feelings. I’m completely okay as long as we’re as close as this.

~

We decided to celebrate Christmas Eve at Max and Alex’s place, since it was more spacious there than at my room.

Max and Joshua had gone out a while ago to buy some stuff and food, so we were all ready for the rest of the night.

At about nine, we started fixing the table to eat.

“There’s a fireworks display later held by Fortsworth. We should watch up at the fifth floor,” Max suggested.

I nodded as I helped Joshua lay out the plastic plates and glasses.

“This is the first Christmas you’ll spend with your friends, right?” Joshua asked.

“Yup,” I answered. “I wonder how dad and mom are doing.”

“I bet they’re celebrating it with my parents.”

I chuckled, “Yeah. Maybe they are.”

“Are you sad?”

I looked up at him for a moment.

“I’m not, because you guys are spending it with me.”

Alex slung an arm around my shoulders suddenly, making my heart skip for a second. “What a cute little kid,” he said.

Max joined in and laughed. Even Joshua—who didn’t approve of Alex in any way—smiled.

“We’re happier because we’re spending it with you,” Alex grinned.

~

“Whoah! You got me comic books!” Max exclaimed happily. “Thanks, Dakota!”

“A scarf for me, eh?” Joshua added with a sweet smile. “Thank you.”

Max handed me a small blue box. I opened it and saw a beautiful lucky charm inside—a blue tear drop-shaped trinket.

“To keep all the sadness away,” he stated. “So you wouldn’t feel sad, ever.”

“Thank you. You’re so sweet, Max,” I kissed his cheek lightly.

“Next is mine,” Joshua handed a cylindrical-shaped case wrapped in a pink wrapper.

I carefully opened it and inside was a cute white bear.

I couldn’t help smiling. Joshua still remembered when I told him I wanted a white bear for Christmas when we were still in Ohio.

“Thank you,” I said.

The rest of the gift exchanging went on, until it was Alex’s turn.

He gave Max and Joshua a branded shirt that seemed to be a little expensive. I waited for a gift from him, even though frankly, I didn’t have a gift for him since he was with me the whole friggin’ time I went out to buy gifts.

“I don’t have a gift for you, sorry,” he bowed apologetically. “I didn’t know what to get for you and—“

I smiled. “It’s okay. I don’t have a gift for you either.”

Something started to boom from outside and we hurriedly ran upstairs to the fifth floor’s open space to watch the display.

A splash of colors filled the night sky and white snowflakes started to fall.

I looked up in amazement as a show of fireworks played.

That was when I started to feel sad.

No, you dummy! Don’t be sad! It’s okay even if Alex doesn’t like you that way. It’s—

“Hey!" Alex waved a hand over my eyes when he noticed me spacing out.

—not okay…

A hand grabbed mine and started to pull me away from where the others were.

I looked up at Alex, “W-What?”

When we finally arrived at a safe distance where no one could hear us, he sat on the floor and gestured for me to sit too.

I did.

“In truth is…” he rubbed the back of his neck and averted his eyes. “I have a gift for you…it was just that it felt really embarrassing that time…so…”

“But I don’t have a gift for you.”

“Actually, I’m not sure if you would consider this a gift or something,” he explained. “I mean… I’m not really sure if you feel the same way...”

Alex, what exactly are you trying to say?

“…but if you accept my gift then that would be the greatest gift you could give to me this Christmas…Ah, geez, what the hell am I saying…”

I couldn’t see his expression well, but he was playing with his fingers nervously.

“Alex, what—“

“…will you go out with me?”

That was when my world seemed to completely stop revolving, and everything began to dissolve around us.

Alex looked straight at me now with his hopeful blue eyes, waiting.

Pinch me, I must be dreaming.

“B-B-B-But,“ My words shook as I spoke shortly. I bet my face looked so red you could see it even in the dark. “I heard you and Joshua t-talking the morning we w-went to the airport! You said you—“

He cut me off, “Oh, yeah. That one—”

Alex smiled to himself.

“—I didn’t want someone else to know before you did. So I lied.”

Before I was about to say something, warm lips collided with mine gently, completely shutting me up.

I couldn’t have made sense anyway though even if he didn’t.

Slowly, I closed my eyes and ignored the snowflakes that touched my skin since Alex’s warm arms were around me to protect me from the cold.

We pulled away from each other shortly to collect our lost breaths.

Oh my geez. I just kissed him. I JUST KISSED HIM!

I was at a loss of words and I could only look at him like this was all a dream. Alex smiled, as if reassuring me that everything that was happening right now was just as real.

He leaned closer again, and this time I noticed how red his cheeks were.

“I love you,” Alex whispered—

And kissed me again.