Finding Heaven

“Our mom died three years ago when we still lived in Virginia,” Max began while sitting cross-legged on his bed. “She had blood cancer, leukemia—and that was what had killed her.”

I looked at Alex who lay silent and still on his bed as he slept.

“Dad was always away. He was always on business trips, you see.” He croaked. “Mom died while he was in a conference in Hong Kong. He didn’t even go back in time for her funeral.”

Before I was able to open my mouth to comfort him, Max started to cry. He looked so vulnerable then, and unconsciously, tears started to fall from my eyes too.

Actions somehow showed what words couldn’t express—

So, instead of telling him that everything would be okay, I sat closer to him on the edge of his bed and wrapped my arms around him.

“I know how it feels to be left by someone, Max.” I whispered, my mouth pressed against his hair. “Just always, always remember that she’s in a better place. I bet she’s happy and she’s watching over you guys. She knows you’ll do just fine even when she’s gone.”

Max buried his face on my shoulder, still sobbing and holding my arm tightly. Under normal circumstances, that would’ve made us both extremely awkward, but this wasn’t a normal circumstance. We were grieving for a painful memory. “I miss my mom, Dakota. I miss her…so much.”

“You know, Max, I miss my mom too.”

He pulled away and looked at me. “At least your mom’s still alive.”

I smiled half-heartedly, “Yeah. But she’s…”

She isn’t my mom anymore.

~

After our talk, Max offered to step outside for a moment.

“I think Alex would want you to himself too.” He said with a playfully teasing smile.

At least he was back to normal.

Just before he was about to get out of the room, he looked at me over his shoulder. “Alex wasn’t kidding. Chase really is a player, so don’t hate Alex for warning you about him…”

“What?”

He shrugged, “What he did at the party wasn’t to embarrass you. He thought that if he did that, Chase wouldn’t place a finger on you.”

“But Chase and I are—“

“Just sayin.” Max turned away. “He’s overprotective of you—and so am I. I told you before, right? That you resemble mom in different ways.”

The door clicked shut, leaving me, as always, alone with Alex.

I carefully took the wet cloth on his forehead before I sauntered towards the bathroom. I grabbed a small basin and filled it with cold water.

I went back and sat on the edge of Alex’s bed, submerged the cloth into the water, and pressed it against both ends to rid of the excess.

“You’re extremely talented in making people worry.” I smiled as I gently dabbed it on his neck, arms and forehead.

“I should say the same to you…” He whispered weakly, completely catching me off guard.

I stopped to scowl at him. “You were awake all this time?”

“Just about when Max walked out.” He sat up slowly, his eyes half-closed and his strawberry blonde hair tousled. “That darn Max. I was about to tell you myself, but then he took away my chance by doing it himself.”

This time, I laughed, “I bet you wouldn’t be able to do it yourself even if you had your chance.”

His beautiful blue eyes searched mine. “I thought you were angry.”

“Thought you turned your back on me.”

His fingers crawled and rested on top of my hand. My heart started to race wildly the same way it usually did when Alex does something unexpected. “I can never do that.”

I grinned, “I couldn't be angry at you forever, can I?”

~

Looking at her pretty ash-colored eyes completely took his words away. Saying anything didn’t even matter—or occur—to him now when he could feel her every breath at their current proximity. He was awfully aware that the rise and falls of their breathing matched.

Unconsciously, his fingers found their way to her hand.

Is this because I’m sick and drunk? Alex wondered. Or is this—

“Are you okay?“ Dakota asked and disrupted his thoughts.

He nodded tensely.

Dakota smiled at him as she spoke, “I’m going back now. If there’s anything you need—“

He closed his hand around hers.

“Alex?”

His body became dysfunctional because it seemed to move on its own accord. Alex tried to stop himself. He really did.

Gravity seemed to pull him towards her.

He began to lessen the distance between their faces. He leaned in closer; his eyes focused on her soft, pinkish lips.

Oh, God, he thought. She is seriously becoming more and more beautiful each day.

~

I tried my best not to stare at his lips. I struggled to look away. He was reluctantly and slowly leaning in while I was just there, holding my position.

Dakota, you have a boyfriend you’ve just agreed to date moments ago!

Chase.

Of course.

For one foolish second I almost forgot that I had a boyfriend now—

But the thing is, when a guy’s (who’s not your boyfriend) lips are only a few inches away from yours, everything just snaps right into perspective.

ONE: You’re taken;

TWO: You’ve just been taken a while ago;

And THREE: You’re completely feeling okie-dokie with this despite the presented previous facts. You know it’s not right and yet you feel like it’s okay.

Dakota, pull away, I ordered myself. This is not right. YOU ARE CHEATING on the first day you go out with your boyfriend!

My gaze stumbled onto his deep, reluctant eyes that could easily clog a hapless girl’s mind (and don’t even get me wrong, I am not a hapless girl) and within a heartbeat, I saw that they lit up with some sort of adrenaline-induced courage.

He inched closer… closer…just a little bit more… and his red lips would already meet mine—

And then, very abruptly, he stopped, turned away, and fell back into his bed.

~

Back at my own safe haven, or simply in my room, I lunged into my bed and hid my burning red face onto a pile of soft pillows.

DAKOTA, YOU NINCOMPOOP! YOU ALMOST CHEATED ON YOUR BOYFRIEND! YOU ALMOST KISSED A GUY YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KISS!

I squealed like a guinea pig being strangled, with the pillows serving as sound-proof walls of softness, and let all the embarrassment and awkwardness out in the open.

I didn’t hate Alex now because of his being a pain in the spine. I hated him now because he had made everything even more complicated than before.

ALEX YOU ASSHOLE! YOU’RE AN ASS! I lifted my face and threw merciless punches on a pillow, imagining that it was Alex’s face—

When all of a sudden, I imagined his lips…the way they’d inched closer to hers…

Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid, I babbled mentally, shaking the image out of my head. Alex, you moron! He’s a douchebag. He is an idiot. He keeps on tugging my nerves. He likes to give birth to complexities. I did not think that he looked so sexy—what the hell; I did not just say that!—ALEX, I DESPISE YOU FOR PLAYING WITH MY HEAD—

Note: I am talking to myself. Ha ha. That sort of happens when you’re lost in your own train of complex thoughts. Pretty weird, huh? I’m pretty sure you’ve all done it once upon your life.

Anyway.

I'm going crazy. I still have school tomorrow and I’d rather be sleeping.

WHY?

Simple.

Because it’s two a.m in the morning and I’m cursing Alex's name.