Mess of Fading Lines

"So..." John broke the silence as we made our way on the vacant sidewalks, the only cars passing were occasional and scarce. I raised my eyebrows waiting for him to continue his thought. Both of us had our hands in our pockets rather quiet matching the stillness of the night.

"So?" I asked, probing further. I tried to calm my stomach, which felt like there was a hurricane in it churning nervously. My lips upturned into a playful smirk. John looked down at me, and shook his head laughing at me, before his eyes looked up into the starry sky. Mine followed his and for a second I was taken back by the clarity of the sky, each star seemed to have defined, pointed edges.

"Why do you hate me?" He asked, a new vulnerability showing in his voice. He kept his eyes upward as if looking at me would give him sores. I was slightly startled by the sound of his voice after the moment of silence between us, my eyes darted to him. I smiled, staring at the corners of his eyes, his profile of his stern face making my stomach flutter even more, so I turned my eyes to the ground.

"I don't hate you, I only bitch at you because you're such an asshole," I laughed, John looked down at me surprised by my answer. I didn't know what was surprising about it. I bit my lip, a moment of hesitation in my choice of words hoping it wasn't too blunt, then I realized I never cared if I was too blunt. "Well you are, half the time I mean..." The silence poured in again. "Why are you such a dick to me?" I asked with the same vulnerability shining through my voice. I was curious to know his answer, because I really liked him when he wasn't being a prick which begs the age old question of why.

"Ah, the question every girl asks me. It happens when I get nervous, I guess. Plus, I like you and whenever I'm an asshole to a girl she seems to cling to me begging for approval, which you haven't done," He said surprisingly not sounding like an asshole, with much more honesty than I had expected. He knew this whole dating game so well, he spoke of other girls as if they were pawns in a chess game and his strategy was non-personal, almost inhuman. This time it was my turn to be surprised as he finally looked me in the eyes. My lips parted as my jaw dropped, I regained my composure and looked straight ahead.

"What are you five? This isn't the sandbox John, girls like assholes, women like men," I said, mumbling slightly in hesitation. I kept my eyes on the sidewalk until I realized that we were at Nick and Justin's house, there was John's car in the driveway. I looked up at him, he seemed embarrassed about something. Then I felt embarrassed like I had been too blunt with him, then I recoiled in my mind. I bit the inside of my cheek, why did I watch myself so carefully around John, he was just another boy.

"I guess I've never liked a real woman before," He said quietly as we crossed the yard towards the front door. I looked over at him and saw a soft, amused smile on his lips. He had his hands shoved into his pockets taking slower steps, I noticed I was doing the same, avoiding the door. For the first time since sixth grade when John Bradshaw kissed me at the Ragin' 80's dance, I was speechless. It seemed like I was a naive, doe-eyed twelve-year-old all over again, but this was a different John.

We kept walking past the house, my mind racing and suddenly a hand caught on to my wrist, stopping my arms from swinging and my legs from walking. I looked down at the hand, then up the arm to the face of the boy who was responsible, he had a serious look in his eyes and he turned my body towards him.

"So..." He dragged on the "o" of his word, staring at me, his eyes almost studying my face bringing a whole new level of stomach swirling and heart racing that I'd never experienced, I could feel the tension between us.

"So?" I asked, a coy smile on my lips, repeating the exact scenario we had just lived through minutes earlier. I forced myself to keep breathing steadily as John chuckled, moving in closer to me.

"So you never said how you felt about me," John lowered his voice, he kept closing in the distance between us. His eyes flickered, looking down at my lips and back to my eyes I just couldn't take the pressure building between us. In one simple move, I raised my toes and pressed my lips to him, putting my hand on his jaw as a guide after I closed my eyes. I felt the same sparks I did at the restaurant, but intensified as the hand that was on my wrist laid on my lower back and pressed me into him.

We parted our lips and kept kissing until my legs burned from staying on my toes for so long and I dropped down, breaking the kiss. I opened my eyes and didn't know how he would react. He smirked at me, nodding his head in an "all right" kind of way. "I think you're an asshole, but I guess I like you anyways," I said shortly before turning back towards the house we had passed earlier.

"You guess?" John laughed, jogging to catch up to me. I was so tentative about being with John, I didn't trust him. Something in my gut told me not to trust him, but he was cute and he was a good kisser.

"I like kissing you and I like hanging out with you when you're not being a dick, but I guess that means I like you," I smirked at him knowing it wasn't what he wanted to hear, instead of giving what he wanted I kept my distance. After sucking in a breath he knew that was all he was going to get out of me. He made the next move of intertwining his fingers in mine and smiled at me. I knew I liked John, but he didn't need to know how much, yet.