Give 'Em Hell Kid

The next day was the funeral, and that morning when I woke up I couldn’t bring myself to get ready. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, but it was, something in me didn’t want to go and see her lying in her coffin. I knew funerals; I had been to them many times before. I remembered how the people that were being buried never looked like themselves. They would load them up with makeup, and dress them in clothes that looked foreign on them. I didn’t want to see the one person closest to me like that. So I stayed home, and Dad stayed with me while everyone else went and told them why.

He didn’t push me at all; in fact he stayed away from me. Every now and then he would come up to my room and check on me, but he never lingered longer then that. It made me grateful that he didn’t. I was someone who didn’t like to be constantly bothered when I was sad, especially when I was angry. But I was glad that he was there, which surprised me. Maybe it was the fact that my grief surpassed my anger and that hole in my chest that was never filled seeing as he was never around. But I couldn’t bring myself to give him a snappy comeback every time he came to check on me.

I felt like crying, I wanted to let it all out. I knew I should, that it would make things easier but I couldn’t. I had built myself upon a stool that forced me to not cry, I wanted to feel like the strong one, not the weak one. I hated the idea of crying, I hated myself for wanting too, I hated myself for thinking it.

Sitting there for hours in silence made me think about myself. What I hated, what I didn’t. I realized how much self hate I had, how much I wished I could change those things about me. All of those things were the traits that I had been told numerous times that I had inherited from him, my father. I hated him for leaving, it wasn’t something that I tried to hide or deny. He left with no reasoning, not even a goodbye. No letter, no calls, it left me alone with my mom who at the time wouldn’t tell me a thing. I waited by the door for weeks, hoping that one day he would show up and hug me like he did every time he would come home from work. But as months passed, after we moved, I gave up. I stilled prayed that one day I would have him back, every birthday candle was spent on him. Every penny in the fountain, every wish was used on him. It stayed that way until she told me that he hadn’t wanted a child at that time. That’s when I began to hate him, when I began to hate myself. It was right after I was diagnosed with skin cancer and I didn’t even want to fight it, I didn’t want the chemotherapy. I wanted to let it take me, I was depressed, and I was only eight years old.

I rolled over on the stiff bed, looking up at Mommy as she read her book. She always read that book, but she never seemed to get bored with it.
“Mommy?” my voice was weak and dry, she looked at me from the edges of the worn out cover.
“Yeah sweetie?” she closed it and laid it down next to her.
“I don’t feel good,” she frowned running her hand through my thinning hair.
“I know baby, I know. But you’ll get better, you’re getting your treatments. One day you won’t have to come back here, and you’ll get to do all the things you used to do.” she smiled softly, but I shook my head.
“I don’t want to.” I stated making her smile fall.
“What do you mean you don’t want to? You don’t want to play sports again, is that it?”
“No, I don’t want to get treated. It hurts Mommy, I don’t like it.”
“Don’t talk like that Evy. Baby you’re sick, you need these treatments. I don’t want to lose you, you’re too young. You’re my baby girl Evy, I’m going to let them do whatever it takes to make you better.” I rolled onto my back looking at the ceiling.
“Will I ever see Daddy again Mommy?”
“I don’t think so sweetheart.” the tears pricked my eyes.
“Does he not love me Mommy? Does he not love us anymore?” I looked over at her, her face was sad.
“Baby girl... your father, he had problems. He wasn’t ready for a family, he had dreams, and he left us to go after those dreams. He chose those over us baby girl, I’m sorry.” they sprang from my eyes, running down the side of my face hitting the white pillow.
“Will Daddy love me in heaven?”
“Why do you ask that?”
“Because if he does I want to go to heaven now Mommy. I want my Daddy to love me, I want to be his baby girl again.” she stood up and sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Don’t talk like that, Evy... he’s still alive so you wouldn’t see him anyway. You’re giving up, you can’t give up. You’ll get better and things will get better, I promise you.” her voice cracked as she touched the side of my face. I pushed her hand away rolling away from her and stared at the door. Why couldn’t I give up when he gave up?

I touched my cheek softly, feeling the salty liquid on my fingertip, they were tears. I closed my eyes trying to make them stop, but they wouldn’t.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I cried throwing the pillow from my lap across the room causing it to knock half of the things from my dresser. The glass shattered on the ground along with the loud thuds of everything else. I stood up and stomped over, angrily as I pushed everything else off of it.
“Why!?” I yelled destroying whatever I could get my hands on.
“Why would you do that,” I cried.
“Evelyn?” I felt hands grab my shoulders pulling me towards their body.
“Evy, stop this.” they turned me around.
“No! Why did you leave like that?!” I yelled punching his chest.
“Calm down ok?” his voice was soft and he grabbed my wrists.
“Why? You never said goodbye Dad, did you not love us anymore? Did we only tie you down from everything?” I cried looking up at him.
“Evy, no you didn’t. Now please, just calm down. You’re breaking everything in here, please just calm down.” I broke down, as he moved us over to my bed and he held me. Kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back, just like when I was little. He was whispering things against my hair, trying to calm me down and he was succeeding. My breathing was shaky, my eyes began to sting and I felt my tears dry on my skin.
“I’m sorry baby girl, I’m so sorry,” were the last things I hear before I fell asleep.