‹ Prequel: My Last Resolve
Falling Apart
Another Attempt
Mommy,
I know that you love. I love you too. I just...I can never manage to tell you what I want. I know that you would love to think that I tell you everything, but I have my secrets. The greatest one...I'm afraid to go home. I know that when I go home, I will be judged for what I have and have not done. I know that I will fall short of the standards you have set for me and quite honestly, I don't know how long it will take me to reach those standards.
I am trying. I know that you don't think that is good enough, it's just that, it's all I can manage right now. Every time I seem to be able to get one part of my life together, another part of it falls apart. I've finally started to like myself. And I'm proud of that. But I am struggling with other things. I am struggling with my faith. I am struggling with school. I am studying with trying to find the right amount of humilty as compared to pride and bravado.
When I was little you told me not to be proud. And I tried that, but I took it too far. And it is something that continues to effect me and how I think. I just, I don't know what to do. I find myself lost and confused and I don't have anyone to turn to. I want to tell you, but I know that you'll be disappointed in me and I hate to hear that tone in your voice. I hate to know that I've messed up and you're upset with me because of it.
As much as I am building myself up, I am falling apart. Every day I slid down a little more. And no matter how much I try, it's not good enough. It's not good enough for you. It's not good enough for my teachers. It's not good enough for my friends. It's not good enough for the people I rp with.
I just want to make you proud. I want you to tell me that everything is okay. I want you to tell me that I don't have to worry bout all the standards I have around me. I want those days when I could tell you anything and you didn't get upset. You didn't tell me how I need to be more like this or that.
I know that the mistakes that I face are my fault. I accept that fact, but I don't want you to always point that out to me. I want you to show me the good inside of me because even now I don't always see it. Instead I fall apart. I have these moods where all I can see is the darkness inside of me and around me. I need you to just hold me than and not ask me questions.
I don't want to be analyzed. I just want to be your daughter again.
Please just love me as I am.
I know that you love. I love you too. I just...I can never manage to tell you what I want. I know that you would love to think that I tell you everything, but I have my secrets. The greatest one...I'm afraid to go home. I know that when I go home, I will be judged for what I have and have not done. I know that I will fall short of the standards you have set for me and quite honestly, I don't know how long it will take me to reach those standards.
I am trying. I know that you don't think that is good enough, it's just that, it's all I can manage right now. Every time I seem to be able to get one part of my life together, another part of it falls apart. I've finally started to like myself. And I'm proud of that. But I am struggling with other things. I am struggling with my faith. I am struggling with school. I am studying with trying to find the right amount of humilty as compared to pride and bravado.
When I was little you told me not to be proud. And I tried that, but I took it too far. And it is something that continues to effect me and how I think. I just, I don't know what to do. I find myself lost and confused and I don't have anyone to turn to. I want to tell you, but I know that you'll be disappointed in me and I hate to hear that tone in your voice. I hate to know that I've messed up and you're upset with me because of it.
As much as I am building myself up, I am falling apart. Every day I slid down a little more. And no matter how much I try, it's not good enough. It's not good enough for you. It's not good enough for my teachers. It's not good enough for my friends. It's not good enough for the people I rp with.
I just want to make you proud. I want you to tell me that everything is okay. I want you to tell me that I don't have to worry bout all the standards I have around me. I want those days when I could tell you anything and you didn't get upset. You didn't tell me how I need to be more like this or that.
I know that the mistakes that I face are my fault. I accept that fact, but I don't want you to always point that out to me. I want you to show me the good inside of me because even now I don't always see it. Instead I fall apart. I have these moods where all I can see is the darkness inside of me and around me. I need you to just hold me than and not ask me questions.
I don't want to be analyzed. I just want to be your daughter again.
Please just love me as I am.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is real. Please don't criticize it for that. It's hard enough to write it without having to see people treat it like a work of fiction.