‹ Prequel: My Last Resolve
Falling Apart
A New Version One
Dear Titus,
I hate even calling you that. I hate calling you Titus even more than I hate calling you Dad. Would you understand why if I tried to explain it all to you? I usually just want to say no and forget about it all. But unfortunately, one of your sons made a very good point today.
You might understand.
But the question is...will you listen enough to understand, to care? Sometimes I want to say yes. I want to say yes because I want to hug you. I want you to love me. I want you to understand and pretend that maybe I matter to you. But antoher part says that no, you'll never care. You're too selfish, too focused on the parts of your life you can openly be proud of. God knows how you'ld ever care to be proud of any of us then.
If I saw you today, at this istant, what would I do? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't know if I wouldlove you, if I could love you. Would I welcome you with a warm an open embrace? I wish I could say that I had an answer to that. Instead, all I can do is sit back and watch you in my mind's eyes doubting every scenerio.
I want you to mean something. As much as I hate that fact, I know I do. I still have this deperate hope that maybe you'll love me. Maybe everything I do will be good enough to fix the things that have happened. I think those things even knowing that you never will care for me the way that I do for you. You will never understand the pain that I feel inside. How could you? You are selfish and childish. That might have changed but that was the man I knew as a child. He would make promises and forget birthdays.
Do you know what that does to a child?
No, not all of it is your fault. THat would be stupid to say though God knows that sometimes I wish I could say it was and just have it all end. However, I know that somewhere in there I hold some kind of blame. That's why I want to apologize. I want to aplogize for the day that I told ou to stop. I don't regret doing that. It was something that I did without thinking. It was also something that I felt I needed to do to protect my brother. I can never ask myself to regret that.
At the same time, how I want to demand apologizes. Every missed concert. Every missed birthday (even a call would have been nice), every missed sporting event. Anything to show me that you had cared enough to remember that you had an eldest daughter. We cannot go back and change however. I wish we could, but we can't. And I dont' know how to fix it all.
I hate even calling you that. I hate calling you Titus even more than I hate calling you Dad. Would you understand why if I tried to explain it all to you? I usually just want to say no and forget about it all. But unfortunately, one of your sons made a very good point today.
You might understand.
But the question is...will you listen enough to understand, to care? Sometimes I want to say yes. I want to say yes because I want to hug you. I want you to love me. I want you to understand and pretend that maybe I matter to you. But antoher part says that no, you'll never care. You're too selfish, too focused on the parts of your life you can openly be proud of. God knows how you'ld ever care to be proud of any of us then.
If I saw you today, at this istant, what would I do? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't know if I wouldlove you, if I could love you. Would I welcome you with a warm an open embrace? I wish I could say that I had an answer to that. Instead, all I can do is sit back and watch you in my mind's eyes doubting every scenerio.
I want you to mean something. As much as I hate that fact, I know I do. I still have this deperate hope that maybe you'll love me. Maybe everything I do will be good enough to fix the things that have happened. I think those things even knowing that you never will care for me the way that I do for you. You will never understand the pain that I feel inside. How could you? You are selfish and childish. That might have changed but that was the man I knew as a child. He would make promises and forget birthdays.
Do you know what that does to a child?
No, not all of it is your fault. THat would be stupid to say though God knows that sometimes I wish I could say it was and just have it all end. However, I know that somewhere in there I hold some kind of blame. That's why I want to apologize. I want to aplogize for the day that I told ou to stop. I don't regret doing that. It was something that I did without thinking. It was also something that I felt I needed to do to protect my brother. I can never ask myself to regret that.
At the same time, how I want to demand apologizes. Every missed concert. Every missed birthday (even a call would have been nice), every missed sporting event. Anything to show me that you had cared enough to remember that you had an eldest daughter. We cannot go back and change however. I wish we could, but we can't. And I dont' know how to fix it all.