Falling Apart

Daddy,

I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am wholly inadequate, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be the fail and the screw up that I know they see me as. They expect so much of me and yet I fail over and over again. And I don't know what to do anymore. Am I simply not ready to finish college? If that is the case than can I accept that?

More importantly can they?

I want to be the daughter they want, a child they could be proud of like Zee and Laura. And I'm not. Instead I think they see me as a less ambitious and flirty Beth. It's not the greatest impression to make.

If I tell them what I feel...will they accept me? Will they still love me if I tell them that I am afraid to tell them anything because I only ever feel judged. They think that I am spiritually lost and maybe I am. But maybe I am not as lost as they want to see me as. But I don't know anymore.

I really don't.

You love me and I feel unworthy of it. You see me as your most beloved child and as far as I have come I still feel unworthy. Every step I take all I can remember is that I missed the mark by too far a margin to fix it. Every time I try to change, I don't know why I should care. I just want them to love me and not try and change me and make me what they want.

But what gives me the right to ask for that when I am still not good enough and never will be. I know they are hoping that I will change now that Titus Sr. is out of my life, but I wonder if they realize that his absence hurts me as much as their demands and judgement.

Sometimes I feel that Tony wants me to set aside my dreams and to focus on settling for something that might make me money. I'd never be happy though. And that doesn't seem to matter. Unless there is a plan that is fully thought out, he doesn't approve. Can't he just love me and root me on? Doesn't that matter?

I know they love me, but why, when they hate the way that their parents have treated them do they treat me the same way? Why do they try to make me into a vision of them or Beth when I'm not and I don't want to be. I want to be Vanessa. I want to figure out who she is and find the path that you have laid out for her. Can't they let me do that instead of just...

I'm not practical.

I'm not extravagant.

I'm not overly bright and cheerful.

I'm...I'm not sure what I am.

I just want the chance to figure that out so why won't they let me? They got that chance. can't I have it too? Or maybe that is a chance given only to the worthy.

I don't know Daddy.

I don't know.

Love,
Your Child.

Am I only good at making excuses? Am I only an attention-asking, excuse-making, pathetic worm? Lord Father I do wonder. Am I a good person? I don't think I am. No matter what they say. I am not a good person. I am selfish. I am lazy. I am ungrateful. I am bitter. I am petty. I am depressed. So why don't they see that? Do I really hide it that well?

I don't know what everyone see in me. My singing and writing are mediocre. I am unsocial. I can be cruel. I'm not even that pretty. So what do they see that I don't Daddy? What do they see?

Your Daughter,
Vanessa