Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Alfred the pineapple rotted.
I held a funeral.
It was a very touching experience.
I cremated him and put his ashes in a really small Tupperware container. It’s sitting on top of my fridge.
So his cousin Georgifred came into town from Hawaii.
He’s my new buddy.
He and I watch infomercials together.
He wants to buy that new ab machine work out thing.
I think it’s a Bowflex.
He says I need to work out.
I stabbed him with a butter knife when he told me that.
He has a little scar right along his hairline now.
Georgifred also wants to buy Bendaroos.
He also wants to buy Extenz.
But he’s a pineapple and he doesn’t have a little pineapple penis to worry about.
Gary wants Extenz.
Gary can go to hell.
So now I’m watching an hour-long infomercial on television. It’s about some knock-off Spanks brand. These really chunky women go into a store and a really pretty but obscenely old lady walks up to them and hands them a purple package of pantyhose. Then the chunky lady will go put them on. And when she comes out, she doesn’t look much different. But she seems satisfied, and the old lady pretends to be impressed at the difference. Because really all she wants is the chunky lady’s money.
Georgifred likes to laugh at the chunky ladies.
I take pity on the chunky ladies. I mean, they waste their money on full-body pantyhose that suffocate their bodies just to make them look an inch skinnier. When really they could just go jogging every morning and lose the weight.
Why is it that guys don’t like chunky ladies?
Georgifred says it’s because they jiggle.
I punched him.
He’s got a dent in his face now.
I turn my TV off and leave Georgifred hanging out on the couch by himself.
I look down at myself.
I lift up my gray undershirt to look at my stomach.
Bleh.
So then I decide to go to the gym.
The gym is healthy. And it’s only noon. So I’ve got time.
But, I can’t go without a healthy snack.
I approach Georgifred slowly, clutching a butcher knife in one hand and smiling like that one clown does in 'It'.
That’s a creepy movie.
Anyways.
So I splice into Georgifred’s head.
It’s a satisfying feeling.
He didn’t even have time to scream before the knife cut into his brain.
………..
Great.
Now after I go to the gym, I’ll have to go to the grocery store to pick up Georgifred’s long-lost cousin, twice removed, Alfredofred.
So I’m walking to the gym because that’s the healthy thing to do.
And because my car has the Pizza Hut logo on it.
And I don’t want to show up to the gym with that car.
I’m carrying Georgifred’s delicious pineapple-y guts in a plastic baggy and he’s splashing around in his pineapple-y blood with every step I take.
It’s kinda creeping me out.
“Riku?”
I turn around to be faced with a man-boy who’s got blond surfer-dude hair and lots of muscles.
“Tidus?”
Well then. This was interesting.
“Why are you so… buff?” Weird question, I know. But I must ask. I saw him last week and he wasn’t nearly this muscle-y.
Tidus looks around for a second, checking to see if anyone’s looking, and then he leans in real close and hands me a bottle. It’s orange and has a prescription label on it and a childproof cap and everything.
I read the label.
“Steroids?” I ask him.
“Awesome, right?” Tidus seems so proud.
I hand him the bottle. “Well, if you really want symmetrical tumors and a small penis, then it’s great.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I interrupt him.
“You lose your hair, too.”
Tidus looks at me, then the bottle of pills.
“And your voice is gonna be a few octaves higher. In a few months you’ll sound like an eight-year-old girl.”
Tidus blinks at the bottle of pills, as if he was disappointed that it didn’t tell him all this.
I pat him on the shoulder once. “Have fun being a bald eight-year-old girl with a small penis.”
I say this loud enough that people passing by can hear.
I walk into the gym.