Love Among the Pizza Boxes

I lost scrabble.
To an intoxicated woman.
But then again, it was probably because Zermine spiked the daiquiris.
“So… A piggy,” I drawl out real slow, my tongue heavy in my mouth as I lean across the table towards Zermine. More than likely I’m flashing her my rack but hey- Who cares. She’s got ‘em too.
“Yep.” She leans back in her chair and clucks her tongue, then smiles real big. “I… I am going to start the ultimate flea circus!” She shouts, throwing back her head and grinning even bigger.
I smile with her, though I don’t know why. “That is soooo smart of you…” I praise, or at least I try to. It comes out more like ‘Thassss shhuuuu smarrf you…’. I and I think this is funny so I giggle.
“I know, right?!” I guess she understands ‘you spiked my daiquiri’ language.
“We.” I lean even farther forward. “Should go into… Business… Together.” I blink slowly, like my eyelids don’t really feel like responding right now.
“Oh my God! Yes!” Zermine screams and stands up suddenly, her whole body swaying.
I look absently up at her glimmering dark eyes. I never noticed before that she has really long eyelashes. They’re pretty.
I don’t have long eyelashes.
I feel like crying now.
Because I don’t have really long eyelashes like her.
But I don’t cry.
I’m not that drunk.
“Hmmmm…”
“What?” I focus out to see Zermine’s whole face.
“What were we talking about?” She asks.
“Uhh…”
“- New topic!” She hunkers down again into her seat.
“Kay…” I start to fiddle with my hair. And then jump a little when Zermine screeches out the new topic.
“BOYS!”
“Ah!” I yell dumbly a few seconds after jumping.
“Kay. Sooo… Got a new boy toy…?” She waggles her eyebrows and it’s kinda skeevy…. Just sayin’.
“Maybeh….” I respond and giggle a little. And then I think of Riku’s smile. And my breath catches and I sober up and just smile.
“Maybe…? Why you dirty dog! Another one!”
“Another one…?”
As far as I can remember I’ve only dated Lance and Riku… And that one kid when I was thirteen. He said he could drive a car. I dared him to drive down the street and back. So we piled into his dad’s new Volvo and got hit by the Shwann truck. I got stitches in my head. The other kid didn’t have a scratch on him. My dad said he would sue. So the kid’s family moved away. And I was without a boyfriend.
Anyways…
Then Zermine starts to sing a Justin Timberlake song in an amazing accurate falsetto. “… I’m gonna rock your body into yesterday…”
“Ewie… No! We have not done the horizontal mambo!” I shout and start to giggle again.
“Who’s to say you won’t with this one too,” Zermine says and I really wish she hadn’t.
I stop laughing. That was not cool.
Everything is silent for a while and I can tell that Zermine regrets going there.
“Shayla-“
“Really? Do you always have to bring that up?”
“Shay. I’m sorry…”
“No you’re not. If you were you wouldn’t have said it.”
And then I go off the deep end. I flip my lid. And when I’m angry… I’m sad because I don’t want to be angry.
So I cry instead and it sucks. I hate crying. I don’t want to do it. It just happens. But I guess it’s not so bad. It could be worse. I’ve cried in front of Zermine. And only Zermine. And only once.
It was after IT happened.
It was late. And I was with Lance. We had just been on a date and this was the first time he’d ever come to my house.
And we were on my couch, kissing. And then suddenly we were in my bed.
I don’t know how it happened or how long it took.
But I didn’t like it.
And that’s all I really remember until the next morning.
I woke up alone feeling cheap and used and gross… And god, I hurt. I was sore and stretched and stuck in a trembling state.
No amount of showers could shake the feelings. I was disgusted with myself- even more so than I was with Lance.
He had taken advantage of me at the fragile age of eighteen. Naïve and fresh out of high school.
And I couldn’t stand the sight of me or anyone I knew. So I lost all my friends.- Except for Zermine. Because she’s one stubborn little thing. She won’t take no as an answer.
So I let her be my friend. And I told her eventually and she let me cry and she did everything I was sure all the rest of my friends wouldn’t do. And that’s why it hurt that she would bring it up. Because I only told her. Not mom. Not Gram. Just Zermine. And she was using it against me.
And so here I am, crying again as though the wounds were fresh and I felt gross again.
“I’m sorry chicka,” Zermine whispers across the table. She’s never been one for physical comfort.
“Yeah… Me too.”
And I am.
I am so sorry.
And so ashamed.
So, so ashamed to be me.