Love Among the Pizza Boxes

It’s for the good of the people, I remind myself.
Ha – that’s funny. For a second there I was having doubts about doing this.
I then think to myself why I’m doing this in the first place – just for kicks.
So, when Riku and I were little, I had a crush on him. But then he started dating Selphie. So I got mad and started liking Sora. Then he went away into the darkness and blah, blah, blah.
Then he comes back with a blindfold on. And I found him. And I saved him. And I took him back to Sora. And I reunited us all.
And what thanks do I get in return?
“Oh yeah, Kairi? I don’t like you anymore. Have fun with Sora.”
Yeah. Right.
Sora’s oblivious and stupid and doesn’t respond to any of my flirting techniques.
And then…. She comes along. Little miss Astronomer.
I bet she thinks she’s so perfect and high-and-mighty.
Well not for long.
When she and Riku first walked into the Dunkin’ Donuts, I knew something was up. I sensed a threat. And I was right.
Now that’s all he can talk about, all he thinks about. She’s with him all the time.
It sickens me.
So while she and Riku were at Dunkin’ Donuts, I devised a plan. A well-thought-out plan to get him back.
Stage one: Visit him at his apartment.
That didn’t go as well as I had planned.
I still have a scab on my chin.
So then, after he rejected me, I came up with Stage Two: Break her poor little heart.
The poor girl.
She won’t see it coming.
And she’s going to be so happy when I show up at her doorstep, but then I’ll tell her the news and she’ll crumble to little bimbo-y pieces right before my very eyes.
“Hey, Shayla,” I say to her when she opens the door. I smile with my teeth and try my hardest to make it seem genuine.
“Uh… Kairi?... Hi.”
Dumb cow.
“Can I come in?” I ask her, but don’t wait for a reply.
I don’t need to answer to her.
So I walk into her house.
It’s so small and cozy.
Ha.
I sit down on the nearest couch and try to sober up a little bit. I’m just about to tell her some very bad news, and I don’t want to smile while doing so.
I cross my legs and wait for her to sit with me.
She just continues standing and looks at me with a stupid expression on her face. She blinks. “Why are you here?”
I take a deep breath.
Showtime.
“I have some bad news. You might want to sit down for this.”
I pat the space next to me on her couch and look at my feet.
She shakes her head slowly and stands her ground.
Well then.
Fine.
“Shayla.” It feels like acid in my throat when I say her name. “It’s safe to say that you and Riku are together now, right?”
She nods and looks confused.
“And you know that Riku and I are friends, right?”
At this point I begin to quiet my voice a little.
She takes a step forward. “Yeah?” She raises an eyebrow.
“Well – so the other day, I went over to his house. You know, to catch up. We haven’t really talked much lately, and I missed the old days.”
I take in a fake shaky breath and breathe out quickly.
“And so we sit down on his couch, and….” Another fake shaky breath. “… And he said he missed me, too. That he really wanted to go back to the way things used to be. And then he… he…” I stop and shake my head. Bring fake tears to my eyes.
Thank you, high school drama classes.
Shayla’s jaw clamps tight.
“He kissed me…” I whisper, and act ashamed. Then I shake my shoulders a little and a fake tear falls onto my thigh.
Now, if my plan works, she’ll either be livid or she’ll be so sad she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Maybe she’ll even throw up. That’d be a sight to see.
But her face doesn’t change much. Her jaw loosens a little and her eyes get a predatory look in them.
“Kairi?”
I look up at her, bleary-eyed, and sniffle once. Then I nod.
“You sure you didn’t kiss him?”
Then I break into fake hiccup-like sobs. I nod my head a lot. “Yes, I swear – he kissed me!”
She kneels in front of me. “Don’t lie to me.”
I shake my head. “Why would I lie to you about something like this?!”
Then I sniffle and more fake tears fall.
“Hey, Kairi?”
Sniffle. I blubber out a nasally, “Uh-huh?”
She stands up and runs her hand along the coffee table. “Have you ever heard of the ‘Make my day’ law?”
What?
What the hell was she talking about?
“No…” I pout, sniffle, and blink fake tears out of my eyelashes.
“Kairi, that means if I don’t want you in my house and I didn’t want you in my house to begin with- I can kill you.” She smiles a nasty, nasty smile.
My eyes get all wide and I pout. “I just…” I sob once more and look at my feet. “I just thought you should know…”
“Get out of my house.”
I stand up, look at her once with puppy-dog eyes, then go over to the front door. I slowly turn the doorknob and step outside the door.
Then I hide in the shrubbery next to her house and listen very carefully.
I hear a loud bump from the wall. “Fuckin’ A!”
My eyes widen and I grin with satisfaction. I clap a single hand over my mouth.
Then I duck out of the shrubs and head home, picking leaves out of my hair and wiping my runny eye-makeup off my face.