Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Saturday.
Oh, Saturday.
When I got home I just went to bed.
I’m awake now and it’s ten at night.
I woke up in my own bed.
In my own house and in my own clothes.
But it doesn’t feel right.
So I sit up and lean my head against the headboard.
I stare up at the bottom of the crucifix.
I take it down and toss it on the ground.
And then I pull the covers up over my nose and stare down at my comforter.
Why did he do it?
And why do I care so much?
Why do I feel like I could’ve stopped it?
Why do I feel like it’s my fault?
My fault that he doesn’t want me.
My fault that I’m broken.
Too broken for him.
So he lied because he didn’t want to hurt me.
And Kairi didn’t want me to live with the lies.
And so I thank her for that.
It’s so confusing though.
What did I do?
What did I do wrong?
Why am I not right?
…
I’m broken.
And confused.
I’m lost.
And cold.
And I think I hurt but not for me.
I hurt for him because I did this.
And I…
I don’t know anymore.
...I…
I throw the covers off and climb out of bed.
It’s colder than usual.
So I pull my arms around me and go into the kitchen.
This is such a cliché but I don’t care.
I grab a tub of chocolate ice cream and sit down in a chair and throw a blankie over me.
Then I flip on the TV.
It’s the weather channel.
I don’t want to learn about heavy rainfall.
So I change it.
And I find an old black and white film.
It’s about death.
Death and the dying.
Perfect.
So I try and get warm beneath the blanket and eat my melting ice cream and pretend I’m crying about the death of the main character.