Love Among the Pizza Boxes

We fell asleep on my couch.
I’m surprised Virginity has been sleeping this long.
Maybe she isn’t sleeping, and she just doesn’t want to disturb Shayla and me.
The television is still on. It was still on when she first came into my apartment.
My cable bill is gonna be pretty big this month.
But I don’t care.
I don’t care one bit.
Because she’s here.
She’s here and she’s in my arms.
She’s here and she’s in my arms and her hair smells like watermelons and slightly like cookies. Just baked cookies.
I shift a little on the couch and try my hardest not to disturb Shayla in her slumber. Her peaceful slumber.
And now my chest is cold.
She is very warm.
Her head lifts lightly off the couch.
She sits up after a while and turns her head to look at me. “Why are we watching infomercials?” she asks in a sleepy voice, her eyes practically closed.
And then I smile.
Not a broken smile.
But a real smile.
And then I say to her, “Because I like to watch infomercials.”
And because I used to watch them with Alfred and Georgifred and Alfredofred. But I never got the chance to watch them with Fred. He rotted before I got the chance to.
My car is a pineapple murderer.
I also watch them with Virginity.
I don’t think I’ll tell Shayla about Virginity. Not yet.
Shayla chuckles sleepily. “That’s pretty dope.”
And then I laugh.
I laugh for the first time in a while.
It feels good to laugh.
I missed laughing.
It is, indeed, the best medicine.
I nod.
I nod and I laugh.
She smiles and sits up and stretches.
She turns back to me. “You have a very warm chest.”
I look down at it for a second – but only a second. Because I missed looking at her face.
What?
Yup.
It’s true.
Don’t you dare deny it, Riku.
Okay, Constance. I won’t deny it.
So now I push the fuzzy orange blanket off of my legs and I stand up.
Shayla follows me with her eyes as I stand.
I blink.
Is she checking me out?
Yes, Gary tells me. Yes she is.
Her eyes are slowly traveling up my body and now I feel naked.
Her eyes stop on my torso.
Why did she stop on my torso?
Is she completely disgusted?
Does she like what she sees?
What?
….. WHAT?
That… That’s just wonderful, Riku, my man.
Her eyes are trained on my face now. A small smile is playing on her lips.
I smile, too. “What?” I ask her. But not the rude way. Or the snappish way. Or the disgusted way. It’s the happy way of saying ‘what’.
That’s a weird statement, Riku.
Yes it is, Constance.
“Oh, nothing…” Shayla says and her eyes flick between my chest and my face.
I chortle a little. And I’m still just standing there.
Standing there like an open invitation for her to check me out.
What?
Yup.
Yes you are, Riku.
…
So?
Do something.
Don’t just stand there.
But I don’t know what to do.
Uh… What to do.
“Are you hungry?” I blurt out.
Okay.
You’re cool.
Oh God.
That sounds bad.
Because she’s staring at my chest and I just asked her if she’s hungry.
Hungry, hungry hippos.
Naughty, naughty Riku.
That’s just great, kid.
You dirty mind, you.
Shayla laughs. “No. Not really. You?” And then she laughs again, but it’s really high-pitched.
Yes.
Yes I am.
What?
No.
Bad Riku.
Naughty, naughty Riku.
So I just shrug, because I think she just realized how naughty that question sounds in this context, too.
She shakes her head. “Sorry if I was staring.”
“No, no. I don’t mind.”
WHAT?
Yup.
That’s right.
Take that, Constance.
Shayla laughs. “Good. Because I don’t mind too much either.”
Did she just tell me that she doesn’t mind if I stare at her chest?
Go to hell, Gary.
So I walk into my kitchen and I start to make some coffee.
I lean against the counter facing Shayla.
“Good morning,” She says and smiles as bright as the sun.
“You have a beautiful smile,” I say without thinking.
And it’s true.
I just didn’t think I’d say it aloud.
“… Oh. Well thank you.” She blushes and covers her mouth. Then she looks over at the TV.
I nod to myself.
And then I turn back to the coffee pot.
And I watch it make my coffee.
That sounds funny.
And on the television is an infomercial for KY.
“For a more pleasurable experience,” the television tells us.
Shayla clears her throat and looks away from the TV, she starts whistling.
I rush over to the television and push the power button.
I clear my throat, too.
“Well.”
And that’s all I say.
“Well. I’m definitely going to get that the next time I go to the store,” she says.
My eyes widen.
What?
Really?
I’m thinking it’s a little too soon for that.
But, if she really wants to…
No.
“Uh…”
She looks at me and raises an eyebrow. “Yep. You heard me. Because I’m totally that kind of person. I’m going to bang you a week after I meet you.” She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “Don’t get too excited. I’m kidding.”
I sneak a really quick peek at my pants when she said the word excited.
I hope she didn’t notice that.
I walk back into the kitchen and my cheeks ’re really red.
That’s great, Gary. Thank you so much.
Shayla’s laughing in the living room.
“Your erection’s showing,” she says.
Fridge my day.
“Thanks…” I mumble as I pour myself a cup of coffee into my mug that says ‘I’m really not a morning person.’.
“It’s okay. I’m used to it. My presence usually has that effect on men.” And then she laughs again.
“Oh, really now?” I say to her with my eyebrows raised, even though she can’t see me because I’m now pouring honey into my coffee.
I wouldn’t be surprised.
What?
No.
“… No. Not really. Just you.”
I click my tongue on the roof of my mouth and stir my coffee.
That just makes things ten times more embarrassing.
Damn you to hell, Gary.
I hope you have fun burning in the fiery armpits of the devil.
Gary has a mind of his own, I tell you.
…
I just damned my penis to hell.
“- Hey. What time is it?” Shayla calls to me.
I look at the clock on the microwave. “Eight thirty.” Then I finally turn around and sip my coffee and lean against the counter facing her again.
“I have to leave in a little while,” she tells me. “Duty calls.”
I try not to laugh.
She said ‘duty’.
What?
That’s great Riku.
You’re such a child.
So immature.
“What time do you have to be there?” I ask her, and down some more coffee.
“Nine thirty five.”
“Do you need a ride?”
“I can walk I guess. After all, you live only two blocks away.”
“Fine then,” I say stubbornly. “I’ll walk you there.”
She smiles. “Alright. I can live with that.”
“Good, ‘cause you’re gonna have to.”
That sounded odd.
Like I just told her she’s gonna have to live with me.
Which she doesn’t have to do.
She rolls her eyes and stands up. She stretches and makes a high-pitched squeaking noise as she does so.
I sorta snort in amusement and surprise.
What was that?
“What was that?”
She raises an eyebrow at me. “Me? Stretching?”
“No – I mean the little squeak.”
I sound kinda mean..
Mean, mean Riku.
Naughty, naughty Riku.
What?
No.
Not right now.
“Uh…” She scratches her arm. “I do that when I stretch. I got it from my mom.”
“That’s pretty cool.”
I thought I was gonna go get a new adjective.
Hmmm.
Awesome?
Nah.
Groovy?
Too seventies.
Sweet?
Too…. Something.
It sounds like those mindless surfer dudes in movies.
‘Sweet, dude.’ ‘Totally, bra!’
Bra.
Why do people say bra?
It makes me think they’re calling each other women’s’ undergarments.
Then I think about when I found Shayla and had to change her clothes.
Then I try and stop myself.
But it doesn’t really work.
So I drink more coffee to mask my small smile.
“Yup,” she says and nods.
My coffee is gone.
“So what do you want to do until we have to leave?”
Gary’s got a few ideas.
But Gary can go to hell.
I say that a lot.
But it’s true.
I refuse to give into Gary’s persuasive powers.
“Take a shower.” She bobs her head up and down.
Take a shower?
Together?
No.
She did that on purpose.
She so did that on purpose.
I clear my throat.
“Uh… Okay…?”
“Are you okay?” She tilts her head.
She didn’t do it on purpose.
I nod. I nod a lot.
“I’m great. I’m super. I’m fantastic.”
Oh look – new adjectives.
She doesn’t look convinced.
“Riku…? What were you thinking when I said ‘shower’?”
“Whores,” I say quickly. “You can rearrange the letters in ‘shower’ and get ‘whores.’”
Nice save.
“Uh huh…” She nods again and then shakes her head. She blinks. “Where are your towels?”
I set my mug down because I was holding it this whole time.
And then I leave my kitchen and I open the first door in the hallway.
A few towels avalanche out of the linen closet.
Great.
“Well. Here they are.”
“Thanks.” She picks one up off the floor and examines it. “Yep. That ought a do.”
“Alrighty. The bathroom is thataway.” I point to the bathroom door.
Pointing is weird. I don’t like pointing.
It makes me feel awkward and exposed.
What the hell?
No it doesn’t.
“Thanks.” And so she goes into the bathroom.
Shuts the door.
What now?
Now what do I do?
Virginity.
I poke my head into her bedroom.
Her tail goes fifteen hundred miles an hour and she scampers over to me.
Nope.
I’m still not gonna tell Shayla about you just yet, Virginity.
So she and I go outside for a while and she does her stuff then comes back.
And then we go inside and pass the doorman.
Stupid doorman.
I don’t like the doorman.
He’s always there, day or night, reading Jane Austen.
Doesn’t he ever sleep?
Isn’t there someone that comes by to relieve him of his doorman duties?
Hehe… I said ‘duty’.
No.
Bad Riku.
You’re such a child.
I go back into my apartment and lock the door behind me.
I don’t know why I locked the door.
I can hear something from down the hall.
What is that?
So I bring Virginity into her bedroom and I let her close the door.
It’s like she knows.
She knows that I don’t want Shayla to know about her just yet.
Maybe later I’ll do it.
But I won’t.
Not right now.
Poor Virginity.
I’m standing outside Virginity’s bedroom door, which is just across the really small hall from the bathroom.
The noise I heard earlier?
It’s coming from the bathroom.
It’s Shayla.
“… You don’t have to be rich to be my girl. You don’t have to be cool to rule my world. I just want your extra time and your…” She makes some kissy sounds. “…Kiss!”
The water turns off and now she’s just humming.
Oh wait- There’s the kissy sounds again.
I laugh to myself and shake my head and go sit on my couch.
And the television is off.
And I can’t find the remote.
Nice.
So I make myself comfortable.
I really should put some pants on.
So I go into Virginity’s bedroom and I find a pair of jeans on top of the dresser and I put those on.
Now.
To put a shirt on, to not put a shirt on.
That is the question.
I probably should.
So then I scour the room for a shirt.
I really need to do some laundry.
I haven’t done laundry in a really long time.
I find a shirt.
It was hanging out under my bed.
Er – Virginity’s bed.
It’s a white shirt.
And it’s a button down shirt.
Awesome possum.
So I put that shirt on and don’t button it all the way.
Because I’m cool like that.
And besides – who buttons those shirts up all the way, anyways?
And so I leave Virginity’s room and close the door behind me to be face-to-face with Shayla.
She’s also wearing a button down shirt that isn’t buttoned up all the way. “Oh, hello,” she says.
“Hey,” I say, and I smile.
I was still buttoning my shirt when I came out of Virginity’s room.
But I stopped now.
So now my hands are just sorta hovering over the buttons.
Shayla looks at my hands.
And then she lightly pushes them aside and starts buttoning my shirt for me.
Oh.
Well okay.
I smile a little bit more.
This reminds me of a scene in a movie I once watched.
You know…. The guy and the girl come out of a room at the same time. And then the girl buttons his shirt for him.
Just like the movie.
She stops buttoning two from the top.
“Hi,” she says to the buttons, she’s still holding my shirt.
I blink.
“Hi,” I say. Even though she was talking to my buttons.
She looks up.
And she kisses me real quick.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all morning,” she murmurs.
Yup.
Just like the movie.
I smile some more at her.
She looks at the ground and laughs once. “Oh my god, that was so cheesy.”
I laugh, too.
“I like cheese.”
What?
Okay.
You’re cool.
Really cool, Riku.
That’s just sexy.
Cheese comes from cows.
I like cows.
Cows are cool.
That sounds vaguely familiar.
I remember when I said that I was talking about the picture of a cow in Shayla’s house.
“That’s cool,” she says. “… Now I sound like you.”
I don’t really know how to respond to that.
So just stick my tongue out at her.
And that’s all I do.
That’s cool.
That’s great.
That’s super.
That’s fantastic.
Why did I stick my tongue out at her?
That’s something I haven’t done in a really long time.
Since I was like, fifteen.
She makes me act like a fifteen-year-old.
Sexy.
Shayla stares at my tongue. Then she pokes it back into my mouth. “There you go.”
That’s different.
I laugh some more, and I pat her once on the head.
“Thanks.”
She tips her imaginary hat. “Anytime, Sheriff.”
And that triggers more laughter.
Sheriff.
I’m the Pizza Hut Sheriff.
Fightin’ crime in the name of truth, justice, and Pizza Hut.
“So you ready to get goin’?” I ask, trying not to laugh at my own joke.
The joke that’s inside my head.
Because laughing at something you’re thinking of makes you sound like a weirdo.
And I can’t act like a weirdo in front of Shayla.
“Darn tootin’ I am.” She smiles her goof ball smile and holds out her arm.
I link arms with her and we leave my apartment.