Love Among the Pizza Boxes

We’re searching for Virginity.
We’re searching for my Virginity.
My dog Virginity, that is.
Since telling Shayla about her I’m sorta regretting naming her that…
Oh well.
I’m not gonna change her name.
So we’re in my apartment complex now.
And we’re passing the pool.
And we’re still calling out Virginity’s name.
Even though I know she’s scared of loud noises and that’s probably scaring her away.
I hear a sharp and sudden yelp from the direction of the pool.
“Riku, Shayla!” Morgan Freeman – er, Joe – calls as he waddles from the janitors’ closet, waving his arm. The other one is holding Virginity.
Virginity barks again.
“Looking for someone?” Mo – I mean, Joe asks, and scratches Virginity behind her ears.
“Hey, Joe.- Is that her?” Shayla turns to me.
I nod and go take Virginity from Morgan Freeman.
Screw it.
I’m calling him Morgan Freeman no matter what anyone says.
Virginity’s tail wags really fast and she’s shaking and she licks my nose.
“Awww… She’s so cute… Your Virginity is adorable.”
My Virginity is adorable.
If we weren’t talking about a dog, that’d sound even more wrong.
I just smile at Morgan Freeman. “Hey, thanks man. Where’d you find her?”
He smiles his knowing old-person smile – the smile that always kinda pisses me off – and jabs his thumb in the direction of my apartment. “She was clawing her way out of the bushes under your patio.”
Oh.
My theory was right – she did escape from the patio.
“Nice going, Virginity,” I mumble at her.
Shayla’s still fawning over Virginity.
“Awwwww!”
Virginity’s ear twitched.
“Uh…” I look at Shayla. “Do you wanna hold her…?”
Hehe….
Do you want to hold my Virginity, Shayla?
Hey look- Morgan Freeman’s gone.
Bye.
“Uh… I think I’ll pet her first.” She puts her fingers in front of Virginity’s nose.
Virginity pokes Shayla’s fingers with her nose tentatively.
Oh yeah…
She doesn’t like women.
Virginity then begins to lick Shayla’s fingers.
Well.
That’s uncommon.
“Huh,” I say out loud, raising my eyebrows at my dog.
“She’s so cu-ute!” Shayla starts scratching Virginity’s head. Then she goes nose to nose with her. “…May I call you Ginny?”
Ginny?
Like from Harry Potter?
No.
How do I even know that?
Virginity licks Shayla’s nose.
“Ginny. Huh.”
I’m saying that a lot.
I never really thought of giving Virginity a nickname.
But, if I were to give her one, I guess ‘Ginny’ is best.
Either that or Virggy.
Which is just weird.
It sounds really nasty.
Ginny is better. It doesn’t sound nasty.
And people will think I named her after the Harry Potter character.
But I didn’t.
Because her name is really Virginity. Not Ginny.
Shayla smiles at ‘Ginny’ and stands upright again. “…So why’d you name her Virginity anyways?” she asks me.
…Uh.
“…Uh.”
Why did I name her Virginity?
Hmmm.
Virginity. It’s associated with innocence.
I guess.
Sure. Innocence.
And puppies are innocent, right?
They’re innocent little shi –
“Innocence. I named her that because she’s a puppy and puppies are innocent.”
“That’s cute. For a while I was thinking she stood for your virtue.” She sticks her tongue out and waggles her eyebrows.
Ahaha yeah…
Wait a second.
Maybe she does.
Oh God.
Oh dear God.
I named my dog after my virginity.
That’s just fricken super-duper.
That’s so great; words cannot begin to describe how great it is.
So I laugh in response to Shayla’s comment and try not to sound too nervous.
She stops petting Virginity. “… You did?”
My eyes widen a lot.
Shit.
“Uh – “
What do I say to that?
I blink a couple times.
Virginity turns her little head towards me and licks my chin.
“You’re a virgin?” Her eyes widen too.
Uh.
UHHHH…
God that’s embarrassing.
“Why do you sound so surprised?” I ask her suddenly. It came out before I had the chance to stop it.
Great.
I just admitted my virginity to Shayla.
She smiles coyly. “Oh I dunno… You just-“ She looks at me. “It might have something to do with the fact you look like a sex god.”
Oh.
“Oh.”
Well then.
I smile my stupid-ass smile.
I like to call it that.
“Thanks…?”
“No.” She looks me up and down. “Thank you.”
Virginity sneezes.
I’m still smiling that crooked smile.
Well this is interesting.
“You’re welcome?”
“Is that an invitation?”
Yes.
Take all you want.
WHAT?
“Ye – um…. Well.” My face is burning. “I’m gonna go take Ginny inside now. Do you want to come with…?”
God.
Oh God.
“Sure.” She shrugs and laughs silently.
My face is so red right now.
It’s not even funny.
I bet even Virginity is embarrassed for me right now.
We pass the doorman.
It’s still the same fricken doorman.
Go home, man!
Sleep!
Is he a vampire?
What?
What the hell?
The doorman laughs a little at Shayla, Virginity and I.
Shayla doesn’t like the doorman either.
Because she glares at him.
And then violently whips around to face me.
She grabs the back of my neck with both hands and aggressively pulls my face down to meet hers’.
…Regardless of Virginity.
While kissing Shayla, I snuck a peek at the doorman.
His jaw was nearly on the ground.
Then Shayla steps back with a sexy little smile and turns to the doorman. She pushes her hair back from her face and winks at him.
Then she grabs my bicep and pulls me along.
Huh.
Well.
….. We’re in my apartment now.
I set Virginity down.
She paws at Shayla’s ankle and whines.
“Hi, there,” she says and picks Ginny up and kisses her nose. And then she grins at me.
I smile back at her.
Ginny squirms her way out of Shayla’s hands and walks into her bedroom and closes the door all by herself.
“Aw,” Shayla coos. “Such a big girl. Closing the door all by herself.”
“Yeah,” I laugh. “She learned that the night she got here.”
So it’s true – puppies really are chick magnets.
“Cute.” Then Shayla sits down on my couch, stares out the windows.
I sit down next to her. “What’cha lookin’ at?”
“A fly outside.” And then she turns to me. “And now you.”
I smile.
Cool beans.
What?
No.
No beans.
“It was a weird fly. It had multicolored wings.”
I look at the window to see if the fly’s still there.
It’s not.
“Well. That sure is interesting.”
“Oui. Tres interesante,” she mumbles.
French?
French.
Sexy.
What?
The language of looooove.
What?
Stop that, Riku.
“Uh….”
I don’t know any French.
Okay, a little.
“Uh….. Oui.”
And that’s all I say.
Well you’re intelligent, Riku.
“Oh la la. Trop intelligent.” She pokes my nose.
She just used French sarcasm with me.
I just laugh.
And then I nod.
“Uh… Oui?”
“I can see my presence is too overwhelming for you. Why don’t we switch to something closer to home?”
Closer to home.
Right.
Selphie used that once.
She was hinting at something very suggestive.
I know this because…
Never mind.
“Alrighty.”
“Hrm. This is a hard thing to do,” she says.
“What is?” I ask.
“Thinking up stuff to talk about. It’s hard.”
I nod slowly.
Yes it is.
It is very hard to come up with a new topic.
Hmmm…
Shayla gasps suddenly.
I almost fall off the couch.
“I don’t have your phone number!”
She nearly gave me a heart attack…
For a phone number.
I just laugh. “Well, I don’t have yours, either.”
“Trade!” she shouts and flips out a little pink phone. “Der you go, dear.” She holds it out for me to take.
I take her phone from her.
Then I think to myself – where’s my phone?
So I search my pockets.
Nope.
Not there.
So I search the couch cushions.
Yup.
There it is.
I hand her my silver piece of shiz.
Shayla opens it with a bemused grin. “Hey look- it turns on.”
That’s actually surprising.
So I try to figure out her phone.
I finally make it to her phone book.
And so I start looking for the ‘New Contact’ button.
“Help?”
Stupid technology.
Shayla raises an eyebrow and takes the phone from me.
She pushes a button and hands it back.
I blink.
Stupid technology.
So I enter my number in her phone and give her phone back to her.
She hands my phone back to me too.
So then I look through my contacts and I come across one that I don’t recognize.
“… Shay-bear?”
Cute.
“Yepper pepper. My mom calls me that. If you want to gross out the general public, you can call me that.” She smiles.
I smile back. “Cute.”
She points her finger and makes like a gun. “Annoying.”
And then she takes out her phone and starts looking through something.
“…Pizza Hut.” She chuckles.
I think I’ve grown fond of that nickname.
Because Shayla gave it to me.
What?
Yup.
That’s right.
I nod and smile. “Yepper pepper. My girlfriend calls me that.”
Shayla smiles wider at that. “So you’re gonna take me back?”
I thought that was already settled when she fell asleep in my arms on my couch…
Oh well.
Technicalities.
“Only if you’ll take me back.”
You sound like a giant cheese ball, Riku.
That’s okay. I like cheese. Cheese comes from cows and cows are cool.
She gives me a look that can only be summed up to be the ‘duh’ look. “No. I’m going to go to Pizza Hut with you in a cardboard box and ask for a refund.”
I snort.
That’s very attractive, Riku.
Shayla rolls her eyes.
“Yes, Riku. I am most definitely gonna take you back.”
Yes!
God, yes!
I’m jumping for joy on the inside.
Even though I already knew her answer.
I’m such a freak.
But on the outside I just smile.
And then I hug her.
“Oh. Okay.” She pats my back. “This is cool.”
I nod slowly. And then I let go. “… Yup.”
Shayla scowls. “I didn’t say you had to let go.”
I chuckle and hug her again.
“Ya-ay,” she says into my shoulder.
I chuckle some more.
That tickled.
What?
That’s great Riku.
“Alright bucko.” Shayla pats my back. “That’s enough. I’m getting hot.”
It’s gettin’ hot in here – so hot! – so take off all your clothes.
Nice, Riku.
So I let go.
Shayla fans her hands in front of her face. And then she sighs and starts unbuttoning her shirt.
Uhhhhhh….
Dude.
She’s undressing.
On my couch.
In front of me.
What?
Stop that.
No.
Bad Riku.
Hungry, hungry hippos.
Naughty, naughty Riku.
She stops unbuttoning at her belly button.
She looks at me. Raises an eyebrow. “Down, Simba.”
Shit, she caught me staring.
…
Simba?
Okay. That’s cool.
I clear my throat and look at my feet. “Sorry.”
“It’s cool.- But seriously, dude. They’re just boobs.”
I cough.
Blink once down at my feet.
The TV turns on.
Whoa.
-Oh no. Wait. I’m sitting on the remote.
So I shift myself and grab the remote out from under myself. And by the time I’m all situated again I’m leaning back against the arm of the couch and my feet are hanging out by Shayla.
Please, God, don’t let her touch my feet.
She’s looking at my feet.
She picks one up.
I yelp like Virginity and my leg spasms out of her grasp.
… She touched my foot.
Now my secret’s out.
I have very sensitive feet. They’re very ticklish.
But I didn’t want Shayla to know that.
Because being ticklish isn’t manly.
Nuh-uh. Not one bit.
“…Uh… Okay.”
“Uh – yeah… I have sensitive feet.”
She snorts. “…Yeah. Y’know. That’s okay. My butt’s ticklish. So we’re cool there…” She starts to eye me suspiciously. “…But don’t tickle me there, okay?”
I laugh and scratch my head.
I feel like a caveman again.
Me Riku.
Me love Shayla.
What?
No.
I didn’t say that…
I so did not say that.
“Only if you don’t touch my feet,” I say.
“Aw… But your little piggies are so cute…” She smiles down at my feet.
So I snort an unattractive snort like a piggy because I find this amusing.
She’s smiling down at my feet.
My feet feel naked.
They are, dude.
You’re not wearing anything on your feet.
Shayla’s quiet for a minute. “… My tongue’s ticklish too.”
That’s gonna be something hard to avoid tickling.
What?
She’s looking at my feet still. “… You can tickle that if you want to.” She looks at me with a goofy grin.
Naughty, naughty Shayla.
What?
So I finally decide to grow some balls.
Every single time she’s cracked a dirty joke, all I’ve done is blush like a little child.
So no more.
I smile a slightly sly smile. “Trust me – I want to.”
Okay.
Yeah.
You’re cool.
You’re too cool for school.
That was great, Riku.
God.
How does Shayla not get embarrassed?
Shayla slowly licks her lips. “Come here, big boy,” she says in a totally cheesy phone sex voice. And then she starts laughing, doubling over and laughing.
And I laugh, too.
I laugh a lot.
Because that was just a little ridiculous.
‘Big boy’…
That sounds so naughty.
Shayla sniffs and sits back up after laughing a while. She looks at the TV. “Hey look- KY again.”
I look at the TV, too.
Oh my God.
Uh…
The infomercial’s over now.
In its place is a televangelist.
“Well.”
And that’s all I say.
“Well. I guess people have to repent from getting all hot and bothered from a KY infomercial with a little TV church.”
I cough. Then I chuckle.
TV church.
Awesome.
Shayla sighs. “…We should order some pizza.”
“Alrighty. What kind of pizza?”
Wait – I know this one.
“Pepperoni and… and…”
You don’t remember?
Seriously, Riku?
Shut up, Constance. Of course I remember.
“And olives. Right?”
“Yep.” She nods. “But ix-ne on the olivers. You don’t like ‘em right?”
“Right,” I say, and nod, too.
So then I fish my phone from my pocket and I dial Pizza Hut.
Because regardless of what Domino’s may say, Pizza Hut is the shiz.