Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Surprisingly, I woke up really early.
I woke up around five. In the morning.
So now I’m walking around the neighborhood.
And I start in the direction of the gym.
As I near a basketball court I hear a ball bouncing on the pavement.
So I round the bend and find Wakka, narrating himself playing basketball.
“He shoots…. He scores!” Wakka laughs in victory and raises his arms in the air. “And the crowd goes wild!”
So I clap a bit sarcastically.
Wakka’s face falls and his eyes get all wide.
“Oh. Hey, man. I, uh… I didn’t see you there.”
I laugh. “I see. So what’s up?”
“Oh, you know, man. Just shooting some hoops.”
I hate it when people say that.
It makes them sounds kinda cheesy.
Shooting hoops.
Somehow it reminds me of target practice.
“Sounds like a fun time.”
“Yeah. You wanna play?”
He holds the basketball in one hand and sorta nudges it in my direction.
“Nah. I’m not good at basketball.”
Then Wakka throws the ball at my face.
Really, Wakka?
Okay. You’re cool.
I catch it, of course. Because I don’t want a basketball to the face.
“Oh, c’mon, man. Just give it a try.”
I glare at the ball.
Then I glare at the basket.
Then I throw the ball at the basket.
And the ball goes ‘swish’, straight through the basket.
Thanks, ball.
You just made a liar out of me.
So eventually Wakka makes me play a one-on-one game.
He is a very persuasive little man.
He’s not little.
He’s shorter than me, but that doesn’t mean he’s little.
So now I’m all sweaty and gross and Wakka throws the ball at my face.
And I’m tired so it hits my forehead and bounces to the ground.
“Great. Thanks, Wakka.”
He laughs and holds his stomach as he does so. And he throws his head back.
Then I laugh, too.
Because that reminds me of when I first met Shayla. And she threw a plate at me. And it hit my forehead.
Good times.
And then we just start talking.
You know, catching up. Because we haven’t talked since we were like, sixteen.
So Wakka talks about how he’s gonna go to college.
And how the college he’s gonna go to has a reputation for really hot professors.
That’s just great.
I’ve never really been fond of the whole ‘cougar’ concept.
But, whatever floats the little Jamaican’s boat.
“So, what about you, man?”
I blink. I was kinda spacing out. Because I didn’t want to listen to his theory about cougars anymore.
“What?”
“You got yourself a girl?”
I hate it when people say that.
“Yeah, I have a girlfriend.”
I’ve always felt kinda weird talking about girls with other guys.
I don’t know why.
Maybe because of Tidus.
He enjoys going into detail.
Gross detail.
Wakka sits down next to me on the bench I’ve been sitting on. He waggles his eyebrows.
I raise mine.
“Nice, man.” He says that a lot. ‘Man’. “Who is she? Not Kairi, I hope.”
Oh, yeah – I kinda forgot he knew I liked her.
I snort in amusement. “No, definitely not Kairi. Her name’s Shayla. She works at the observatory.”
I point in the non-obnoxious way in the direction of the observatory.
“Nice.”
He says that a lot, too.
And then we run out of things to talk about.
So I just say the first thing that comes to mind.
And this time it’s not palm trees.
“I got a dog.”
Oh no…
Bad Riku.
Why did I just say that?
“Really? What kind?”
I’m not gonna tell him I have a Chihuahua named after my virginity.
“She’s a Rottweiler. Her name’s Lucy.”
Lucy?
“Rottweilers are pretty big dogs. How does she fit in your apartment?”
Oh yeah – I forgot he knows I live in an apartment. I forgot I told him a lot of things.
“She’s just a puppy.”
And then we run out of things to talk about again.
“Well. I gotta get going. It was nice to see you.”
Then I stand up.
Wakka holds his hand up, signifying that he wants a high-five.
I give him a high-five.
“See you later, man.”
And he laughs again.
I nod and smile and walk off.
Well, I’m glad he believed my Rottweiler story.
So I go home.
And Virginity is scratching on her bedroom door.
If she wants out, I don’t get why she closes the door in the first place.
So I let her out.
She paws at my pant leg.
So I pick her up and we walk outside and she licks my bicep.
On our way back in, we pass the doorman.
He’s a nasty doorman.
I also have reason to believe that he’s an android.
“Do you ever leave?” I ask him.
The doorman laughs his slimy little laugh and shakes his head. “No, I don’t.”
“What about sleep?”
“Don’t need it.”
See what I mean?
He’s an android.
“Ooookay…..”
Ginny barks at him.
So we go back into the apartment and I sit on my couch and I stare at the ceiling.
I sigh.
Dancing.
I really, really can’t dance.
I’m going to make a complete fool of myself.
Dancing.
Super duper.
I’ve seen people dance before.
It wasn’t a pretty sight.
They were being very provocative.
Like, touching each other shamelessly in places that people shouldn’t touch in public.
And it was at a school dance, too.
Virginity sits next to me on the couch.
I still can’t believe I named her after my virginity.
I can’t believe I’m still a virgin.
What?
Okay.
Well… It is a little embarrassing.
Because usually by this age a guy’s lost it, right?
Hell if I know.
I know Tidus has.
Possibly Wakka.
But not Sora.
I know this for a fact.
Because he’s just not that kind of kid.
Yup.
I just called him a kid.
Is Shayla a virgin?
I already asked myself that.
It’s still the same answer – I have no clue.
Selphie isn’t.
Neither is Kairi.
She lost it to the bassist of a band she saw at a bar.
I overheard her and Selphie talking about it one day.
Which is how I know that.
It’s not like she’d tell me that.
Because that’s just not what girls do.
They don’t go around telling guys that they’re not virgins.
Well at least, classy girls don’t do that.
So maybe Kairi’s gone around telling people she’s not a virgin.
Because that says that a girl’s easy.
And Kairi is desperate for action.
If she can’t get it from Sora, she’ll get it from someone else.
…….
So I’m at work now.
It’s a very slow day today.
Beth and I are sitting behind the counter.
She takes her hat off and sets it in her lap and scratches at her head.
Her hair’s beginning to grow back.
“I need to go get it buzzed again,” she says absently, playing with the short hairs on her scalp.
“Why do you keep your hair so short?” I ask.
“Why do you keep your hair so long?” she asks back.
Touché.
Oh, hey – I do know some French.
Well, it’s only expected.
I took French in high school.
I never really got good grades in that class, though.
At least I got a B on my final.
“Why was her shirt unbuttoned?” Beth asks suddenly, picking at a hang nail.
“Uh – “
Oh yeah. Shayla.
Shayla’s shirt.
“You two weren’t doing anything naughty, were you?” She sticks her tongue out and looks at me and wiggles her eyebrows.
“What? No. No we weren’t.”
“Sounds like someone’s in denial.”
“I’m not in denial. We didn’t do anything.”
“Uh-huh.”
She chuckles and bites a fingernail.
We didn’t do anything.
Nothing at all.
I don’t know why she doesn’t believe me.
It could be because my face is red.
“Is she the one you were on the phone with in the bathroom yesterday?”
How does she know that?
“What?”
Eavesdropper.
Little piece of crap.
“You heard me.” She grins and looks up at me.
I narrow my eyes at her.
“What’s your point?” I ask.
I mean, seriously. Why is she asking me these questions?
They’re none of her business.
“I’m just trying to keep conversation going. I don’t like silences.” Beth narrows her eyes back at me.
Fine then.
But why does the conversation have to be about my love life?
“What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?”
Or a boy-toy.
Beth shakes her head. “No, not a boyfriend.”
So my theory was right.
Beth’s a lesbian.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
I can respect them. If they wanna like girls, that’s perfectly fine with me.
“I see.”
So maybe that’s why she shaves her head?
Now I’m contemplating whether or not to go on with a conversation about Beth’s girlfriend.
Eh.
What the hell.
“So what’s her name?”
“Iphigenia.”
“Interesting name.”
“It’s from Greek mythology.” Beth nods a whole bunch.
“Cool.”
The phone rings.
I’m closer so I get up and answer it.
“Welcome to Pizza Hut. My name is Riku. Will this be for pick up, or delivery?”