Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Ah, dancing.
It can be such a provocative sport.
I mean, because you’re usually really close together and the girl’s always swaying her hips all up in your business.
What?
That’s great.
Just great.
I can’t dance.
I. Can’t. Dance.
Where do I put my hands?
What do I look at?
That’s a weird question. But I’m wondering.
So I’m waiting at Shayla’s front door.
But I’m not waiting for her.
Nope.
I’m waiting for myself to knock on her door.
Because I don’t dance.
And once I knock on her door, I’ll be closer to being forced to dance.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Your doom.
Anyways.
So I knock on her door.
She takes a while to open it.
“Hey.” Shayla beams.
I smile back at her.
God, I can’t do this.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this –
Stop that. Sure you can.
Have faith; believe in yourself.
“Hey,” I say.
“You ready for this?” She asks.
No…
“Yeah. Let’s do this thing.”
“Alrighty.” She smiles again and walks out the door, grabbing my arm along the way.
Then we get into the Pizzamobile.
I really need to get my own car.
I’ll ask my dad.
Maybe.
No I won’t.
He won’t buy me a car.
I can’t do this.
I turn the ignition on. Back out of the driveway. Drive down the road.
“So. Where’re we going?”
“Well. It’s near the beach. Right by the Taco Bell.” She nods.
“Yo quiero Taco Bell?” I say aloud, before I have the chance to stop myself.
“Ur… Je ne comprend pas… “
“It’s what the Taco Bell dog used to say on the commercials for Taco Bell.”
The Taco Bell dog was a Chihuahua.
That makes me think of Virginity.
“Oh yeah… The dog. That was a cute dog… Whatever happened to that dog?”
“He was neutered and was never heard from again.”
At least, that’s what an episode of Robot Chicken once told me.
She laughs and shakes her head. “Oh. Take a right here.”
So I do as I’m told.
“And behold. The ever so wondifferous Taco Bell.”
“Hallelujah.”
“Why don’t we park there and walk the rest of the way.”
So I park the car in front of the Taco Bell and get out.
I’m so nervous I could barf.
But I’m not going to barf.
Because barfing isn’t attractive.
Nor is it cool.
And I’m calm, cool, collected Pizzaman. I taste like pizza, not barf.
I can’t do this.
I really can’t.
Yes I can.
Of course I can.
No, I really can’t.
I can’t dance worth a shi –
We’re walking to the place now.
I don’t know what else to call it, so I’ll just call it a place.
There are tons of people around, all dressed in colorful attire, laughing and talking.
It smells pretty good.
I’m still really nervous.
Why am I so fricken nervous?
I’ve never been so nervous around Shayla before.
I’ve never been so nervous before.
Shayla sighs and grabs my hand. “You okay?”
“Huh? Oh. Yeah, I’m great. I’m fantastic, in fact.”
Pffft.
Dork.
I sounded so nervous.
Oh, God….
Shayla shakes her head. “…You look very handsome tonight.”
Well.
I’m slightly more confident now.
This is the part where you say something nice, back, Riku.
But what do I say?
I don’t want to sound like a giant cheese-ball.
Because I don’t know if Shayla likes cheese.
Uh…
UHHH….
“Thanks. Uh….”
Say something nice, God damn it!
“It’s okay. You can tell me if you don’t like my hair or something. Constructive criticism, right?” She smiles sort of. But in a pained way.
“No, no, no! I like your hair…. Uh…”
Great, Riku.
You’re so suave.
“Spit it out. Is it the skirt?” She looks down and tugs on it.
“What? No. No, no, no. The skirt’s cool – “ Oh my God, Riku. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just… having difficulties coming up with anything nice to say. Not that I don’t have anything nice to say – because I’ve got tons of nice things to say. I’m having trouble trying to figure out which one to say. I, uh…”
I scratch at the back of my neck.
Crap, I sound retarded.
“You look beautiful tonight.”
There.
Finally.
Took you long enough.
God damn you, Riku.
What’s your damage?
Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Shayla blushes. “You’re so full of it.”
Aw, God.
Oh, no.
Aw, damn.
Aw, shit.
Well…
Uh…
I’m tempted to say I’m sorry.
But I don’t know if I should.
God, what the hell is my problem tonight?
Shayla squeezes my hand. “-I’m kidding. You’re okay. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
And I finally smile a little.
… Yay.
What?
“Oh, Riku…” Shayla sighs and lays her head on my shoulder as we walk.
Well. Not my shoulder.
My arm because she can’t reach my shoulder from down there.
So we’re really close to the place now.
I still don’t know what to call it, so I’m still going to call it a place.
It’s rather loud.
I can hear trumpets.
Trumpets and laughing and talking.
There are a bunch of tents set up and a ton of folding tables on tarps, some long with food on them, some smaller with chairs around them with people sitting in them.
There’s a band playing on another sheet away from the food area and in front of them are a couple more tarps.
The dance floor.
My new personal hell.
“So, uh…”
I don’t know what to do now.
“You hungry?”
Me Riku.
Me hungry.
“Yeah, a little.”
Because I’ve noticed that if a guy says he’s hungry, the girl is then led to thinking that he’s a pig.
And I already snort a lot. So if I eat like a pig, maybe Shayla will think I’m a pig.
Which would not be good.
Because pigs are not attractive.
Not physically. Or emotionally. Or sexually.
What?
“Are you?” I ask.
I’m referring to her being hungry. But I kinda waited a while to ask, so I don’t know if she knew that.
“Am I what…? Oh! Hungry. Yeah. I’m pretty hungry. I could use a good enchilada. C’mon.”
She points determinedly towards the food tables.
“Alrighty.” And I let her lead the way.
And so we get our food and sit down at one of the few tables that are open.
I look at my plate and then Shayla’s.
Shayla piled up enchiladas and every other Mexican food on this planet on her little plate.
I shall dub it Mount Mexican.
Good lord.
I only got an enchilada. Because I’m not that hungry and I don’t want to seem like a pig.
Oh God I sound like a woman.
So we eat our food.
Shayla’s dancing around in her chair now to an upbeat song playing.
“…This is a pretty funky little ditty,” Shayla says and does a little disco move.
I laugh.
God, she’s cute.
What?
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah she is.
I just tap my foot to the music. Because I can’t dance.
“Let’s dance!” She takes hold of my hand and stands up.
Oh… Shit….
I don’t wanna dance!
Okay.
You’re gonna dance.
You have to dance.
No I don’t.
I could always be an ass and go sit down again.
What?
No.
Bad Riku.
That’s not nice at all.
You aren’t an ass.
You have an ass, but you’re not an ass.
So I take in a deep breath.
And Shayla tugs me along to the dance floor.
We find a spot among the dancing couples.
She smiles encouragingly.
I smile back, trying to look convinced.
But I’m not.
Shayla slips her hands loosely around my neck and begins to move her hips to the beat.
Oh, God.
Damn, girl.
What?
No, shut up, Gary.
But Gary doesn’t shut up.
Oh, Lord.
Damn, this girl can move.
What?
No, Gary, shut up!
I don’t really know what to do.
What do I do with my hands?
What do I look at?
Gah, that sounds bad…
Shayla rolls her eyes at me. “Okay. Riku. You really can’t dance, can you?”
I chuckle nervously and scratch the back of my neck. “Uh – not really.”
But you can.
What?
“Here.” She takes my hands and puts them on her waist.
My eyes widen a little bit.
“Uh…” I say quietly, and hope she can’t hear me over the music.
Shayla rolls her eyes again. Then she puts her hands back to their previous position. “Now. Just move your feet to the beat.”
Easier said than done.
So I try.
And I hope to God I don’t look completely stupid.
“Better. But loosen up. You look like a log.-Uh. That was mean. I didn’t mean that. Well I did- but I didn’t. Um… You don’t look like a log, you just move like one… Is that any better?”
“Aw God,” I mumble. I’m still hoping she can’t hear me.
Shayla sighs. “Dancing isn’t a technical thing. It comes from inside. Just get the beat in your head and do whatever you’re inclined to do.”
But I’m not inclined to dance, Shayla.
But I don’t say that out loud.
Because that’s embarrassing and slightly provocative.
Hell – so is dancing.
“Mmmkay. Different approach.” She’s still dancing as she’s instructing. It’s kind of distracting. “You can waltz, right?’
Somehow knowing how to waltz makes me more embarrassed. But I just thank God I’m not blushing right now.
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Now. I bet you don’t dance like a log then, yes?”
“Uh. I guess not?”
Maybe if she stopped dancing I could follow her instructions a little better.
She’s very distracting right now.
“The waltz isn’t all that different. You just gotta sway from side to side essentially.”
Okay.
Swaying. Sounds easy enough.
So, regrettably, I follow her instructions.
God, I hate dancing.
But- What?
Shayla’s smiling.
Am I dancing?
“You got it, baby cakes.”
I’ll take that as a yes.
Uh… But what am I supposed to be looking at?
Oh, God.
I don’t know.
Her waist?
No. I’m not a chauvinist.
My hands?
No, they’re on her waist.
Her, uh –
No.
Just no.
Bad Gary.
Her face.
Maybe.
God, I don’t know.
Shayla is slowing gravitating closer to me as the newest song progresses.
She’s really close.
I can feel her dancing now.
Gary quite likes that feeling.
What?
Aw, God.
“Are you feeling okay?” She backs off some.
Awww…
What?
I nod at her. “Yeah, I’m good. I’m just… new to the dancing concept.”
“Yes. Yes you are.” And then she gets all close again.
Actually closer than last time if that’s even possible.
Oh my Jesus….
Oh, come on, Riku. Dancing’s harmless. You still have your pants on –
Oh my God.
I don’t even wanna go there.
Yeah, you do.
Shut up Gary.
No one likes you.
Except you. You like yourself. You and the doorman. I’m sure the doorman would get a kick out of your nasty little habits and side-comments.
A little while later the band decided to take a break.
So the people in charge went over to a computer and started blasting music through some speakers.
The first song to play is something Shayla recognizes I guess because she gasps. “I love this song!”
Obnoxious trumpets begin to play. The woman singing the song sorta of sounds like a man, and she has a really heavy accent that I don’t recognize.
As the chorus rolls around Shayla starts singing along. “And an you hit that,
no ti-na the mickleplay with it a lickle, why you so na tickle.”
Or something like that.
And then she goes into a little dance solo.
Oh lord.
Aw, God….
She’s still real close to me.
Shayla turns around and continues dancing against me.
It reminds me very much so of grinding.
Then she grabs my shoulders, still turned away from me.
….Goin’ down.
…Goin’ up.
Oh… my God.
Gary’s a happy camper tonight.
Then she whips around, grabs me around my waist, starts shaking her head from side to side.
Remember, Riku – dancing is completely harmless. She’s dancing with you, not trying (and succeeding, sadly) to seduce you.
One of her hands is at my neck again, she’s leaning further back from me now.
Her other hand is in her hair. Her head’s circling around.
Damn, girl!
Shut up, Gary.
Well, it’s true – No. Shut your face hole, Gary.
Gary doesn’t have a face.
Anyways.
Shayla drops down to the ground, her hand that was on my neck trailing after, leaving a trace of tingles. And then she comes back up, continues to shake her head from side to side.
And I can’t deny it anymore.
That was very arousing.
Aw, shit.
That’s embarrassing.
Good thing it’s in my head.
Good thing I didn’t say it aloud.
For the rest of the song she just tosses her head around and moves her hands up and down my stomach.
Aw, God. More tingles.
The song’s over.
Half of me is slightly relieved.
The other half is slightly disappointed.
Once again – I’m glad that’s in my head.
“You wanna go sit down?!” Shayla yells over the music.
Yeah. Sit down. Sit down and recover.
What?
“Sure,” I say, just as loud.
So we go sit down.
“Good job.” She smiles.
I kinda smile back. “Uh – you, too.”
What?
Okay.
That’s super.
“Did you have fun?”
Oh, hell yeah.
Shut up Gary.
“Yeah, did you?”
“Definitely.” She nods.
And then she starts staring at something on her left arm. She slaps her arm. “Back off, motha bugga!”
And I laugh at that a lot.
A lot, a lot.
Because I’m still trying to recover – What? No.
Shayla laughed along for a while- but now she’s just staring at me. “…Are you…Okay?”
My laughter dies down. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Just checkin’… Um… Are you sure you aren’t dehydrated or something?”
Why is she asking if I’m dehydrated?
I shrug. “I dunno.”
And with that, she leaves the table.
And then a little while later she comes back with a coupla bottles of water.
She passes one to me. “Here.”
“Thanks.” And I unscrew the cap and chug the water.
That was so attractive, Riku, my man.
Maybe Shayla thought so too because she’s staring at me.
I blink a couple times, and I can’t help but smile a little. “What?”
“Uh… Nothing.”
I narrow my eyes at her.
“Liar.”
Shayla scrunches up her nose. “Well. I was thinking.”
She nods.
“Uh-huh…?” I prompt.
“Um. This is weird. But I… Did you know that you’re actually a very pretty person?”
Huh. Pretty.
That’s a new one.
“Uh. Thanks.”
And even though that was weird, it still makes me smile.
“Sure.” And then she keeps looking at me and then shakes her head.
I blink again. “What?”
“We’ve already gone through this- you’re pretty.”
A guy walking by looks at us funny.
I laugh. “Thanks – again.”
Even though I know she’s lying.